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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

and totally unsympathetic regarding dhs best friends death?

101 replies

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 11:55

Dh is 36 and last week his 'best friend' of the same age died, which is obviously very sad. He went to see his old friends the next day and stayed with relatives so was away for two days. It's the funeral tomorrow and he's going this afternoon (it's half hour away) to see friends, will stay there tonight, go to the funeral then out tomorrow then stay at his relatives again probably returning the following afternoon or evening.

Thing is, I've never met this 'best friend' and dh hasn't seen him since I've known him. Before me he lived far from him so I'd say he probably hhadn't seen him properly for a good 12 years minimum. Dhs friends and family keep calling and texting to check he's ok and I just feel a bit because someone I haven't seen (and very barely spoken to) in 12 years is not the definition of a best friend to me. We have three young children (under 6) and I'm 10 weeks pregnant and constantly sick and think the days of mourning he's taking are taking the piss a bit, tbh.

Aibu?

OP posts:

PrincessBabyCat · 28/04/2014 12:48

Sometimes, as adults, we go to funerals to support the bereaved. I've been to plenty of funerals where I didn't know the person to support my friends.

Also, not everyone "shows" grief. My DH and MIL were very close, and when she died, he acted like he always did. But he was heart broken. He dealt with it in his own way. It didn't hit him hard until long after the funeral, and he had his first mother's day without his mom.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 28/04/2014 12:49

You're determined that you're NBU anyway, so why bother asking?

As others have said, there are no rules for how to respond to death. Some affect us more profoundly than others and you are being very insensitive in your reaction to your DH.

I had a school friend die four years ago. He was the nicest bloke you could ever have met and my fondest memories of growing up with him were of how kind he was to everyone. We stayed vaguely in touch through college and for a few years afterwards, but it had been at least 5 years since I saw him (aside from facebook) when he died in a car crash. It broke my heart, not just for the loss of such a great guy, but for the regret in not having tried harder to keep in touch. Almost everyone from our school year turned up to his funeral, even those who hadn't seen him in a decade but remembered how well liked he was.

Sparklyboots · 28/04/2014 12:50

Is the issue here attentiveness to you/ DC vs. concern to everyone else? Cos the going to work in labour thing makes him a bit of a dick.

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 12:52

He hasn't seen the other friends for 12 years either Princess and has no plans to keep in touch more so after this, so I don't think it's for their benefit. I'm not invited to the funeral.

I just can't imagine dropping work and the kids for 5 days if anyone died, let alone someone I hadn't seen or spoken to for so long.

OP posts:

Pinkje · 28/04/2014 12:56

Did he not come to your wedding OP?

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 12:57

Smite I haven't said anything to him. I just find it difficult to believe he's that upset when he's still acting completely normal, out with friends laughing and jokingand ddrinking and hasn't got anything to say about it.

Sparkly yes, that doesn't help. He also missed dc4s scan but took unpaid leave to help a colleague move house.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 12:57

No,

OP posts:

WiiUnfit · 28/04/2014 12:58

OP, you said he went to work when you were in labour as he didn't want to lose a day's pay, surely his willingness to do so now, for 5 days, is a sign just how much this may have affected him?

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 12:58

No, he didn't come to the wedding. Didn't know of my existence, or the childrens.

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom · 28/04/2014 13:00

Well let's face it, you probably couldn't drop them for five days. He is able to do this because he knows you're going to pick up the slack.

Obviously you're getting a lot of people on here who are backing up your H. However I think in RL must people would be if you told them he's taking five days unpaid leave relating to the death of a mate from donkey's years ago (especially when he wouldn't lose a day's pay when his wife was in labour).

OwlCapone · 28/04/2014 13:01

Other than that he hasn't acted remotely different and doesn't seem affected at all.

Perhaps he, rightly, thinks you couldn't give a fuck?

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:03

I could owl if it was legitimate and not an excuse to go on the piss.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2014 13:04

Little bit of drip feeding there does change the situation somewhat.

Is the type that does just what he wants when he wants? Is this the issue?

GarlicAprilShowers · 28/04/2014 13:05

Going by your OP, you're being horrible and the only excuse I can think of is that you have no personal experience yet of bereavement.

Adding the one-liner you dropped in afterwards, about going to work when you wanted him with you in labour, makes this not so much about DH's response to his friend's death but more about feeling he's there for others; not for you.

Be more honest, then - which is it?

sarahquilt · 28/04/2014 13:05

YABU. It's someone who meant a lot to him. I think you're being mean.

GarlicAprilShowers · 28/04/2014 13:06

Hang on, the friend didn't know your H had a family?

You've got much bigger problems than five days' pay.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/04/2014 13:10

Little bit of drip feeding, but not much - and the main point is the same.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Feeling really shocked, upset and shook up by the death of someone you once knew well, no matter how much distance in intervening years- not at all unusual or unreasonable.

Taking lots of unpaid time off and disappearing leaving you to pick up the slack while in early pregnancy for a real best friend who he saw lots, was best man for, big part of his life etc. - not at all unusual or unreasonable.

Taking lots of unpaid time off and disappearing leaving you to pick up the slack while in early pregnancy for someone he hasn't seen for years, didn't go to the wedding of, never talked about - smacks of milking it, frankly.

Which your latter posts confirm.

Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 13:12

You dont really know how death will affect you, until somebody you know actually dies.

A very good childhood friend died in October. We were friends. Had kept in touch. I was there through chemo, her mastectomy and radiation therapy. I was there when she was in remission, and I was there when she told me it had spread. I helped her source natural remedies that she believed in. I was also the last one in our group of friends to speak to her, and she asked me to pass my love on to the other friends. It was terribly sad. She had 4 children.

I was however blown away by the unexpected death of a friend that had been exceptionally close to at an important part of my life, lasting a good 10 years, but I had not seen him for one reason or another in 10 years. How could I not have known that he was battling leukemia, and gone through a stem cell transplant. I was eaten by guilt and sorrow. However, as the mum of two children, I was like normal at home. Only with our common friends could we talk about the past, go over in our minds what happened, etc.

It was in a way easier to move on with regards to friend one as I had been there in the process, and it was no surprise when she died.

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:13

Because they hadn't spoken since we married garlic, we wasn't a secret.

OP posts:

littlemslazybones · 28/04/2014 13:13

YANBU.

I think he's, as Bruno said, milking it.

Itsfab · 28/04/2014 13:13

You are being mean.

His friend meant a lot to him. He has realised that shit, people my age die. Have a bit of compassion ffs.

I have a friend. Have seen her twice in the last 2 years. We text maybe three times in one week and nothing for weeks, speak on the phone less so but if she died I would be devastated. We have known each other 30 years. It is geography and work why we don't see each other more, why we don't text more. She has 4 kids, I have three. DH has met her once. So am I not allowed to feel very upset if she died? History with a friend counts for something.

You don't seem to like your husband very much.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/04/2014 13:14

more about feeling he's there for others; not for you.

I think a part of OP's main point is that it's not that he's a stickler for being there for others, or for doing the right thing, because she's seen no evidence of that in the big things in their life together. More that, if he 'fancies' the occasion, he'll drop everything and leave her to pick up his shit in every day life. If he doesn't 'fancy' it - they can go hang.

Helping his mate move house, big old boys together laugh lugging the furniture around with a few beers to help = bye love, you'll look after the kids eh.

Off for a few days drinking and reminiscing with the old crowd mourning his 'best buddy' = bye love, you'l look after the kids eh.

Sitting supporting his partner in labour = sorry princess, gotta work. We need the cash eh.

He's a gem.

MargotLovedTom · 28/04/2014 13:16

OwlCapone that's harsh. OP said she's asked if he wants to talk, he said there's not much to say. Should she be probing him every five minutes waiting for the tsunami of grief which he's obviously bottling up?

Totally agree with BrunoBrookes.

Original poster

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:16

All I know is, if I was grieving I'd turn to my dh for support and not carry on as usual. Itsfab I have friends like yours - it's a whole lot different to not having spoken in ten years imo.

OP posts:

Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 13:20

I did not turn to my husband, he would not really understand about a friend I was close to before we married, and that he had not really seen much.

Maybe your husband does not turn to you because you did not know the man in question, so there is nothing you can say? Perhaps he understands you are not sympathetic?

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