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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed my dd 7 has come back from friends house saying she's fat?

62 replies

annoyedmum10 · 27/04/2014 20:52

Name changed.

I need some mumsnet perspective on this.

DD went round her friends house today, she came home and at dinner time said she did not want any dinner as she was already fat and burst into tears.

It turns out round her friends house they went on the wii and her friends mum set her up as a character on the wii fit and measured her height to get an accurate height, when she weighed her it came us as risk over being overweight, apparently (and you will have to excuse me I dont have wii fit) there was a healthy weight and an at risk of being overweight and dd just crept into the at risk of being overweight. Her friend laughed and said a few comments about being fat, from what I gathered from dd, her mum did tell her not to say nasty things.

But AIBU in thinking that is not something you do to someone else's child without talking to the mum first.

DD is not overweight, she is not skinny, but is just bigger build than some girls, she gets plenty of exercise walking the dog etc and eats healthy with the odd treat.

The friends mum never mentioned anything about the wii fit when I picked her up, and when I called her a little while back there was no answer.

I managed to speak to DD and think she is ok now, I just wandered what others views were. TIA

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 20:55

It's unfortunate but I'm sure the parent didn't foresee this outcome from playing on the wii.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/04/2014 20:58

Not sure what to recommend about the other mum/wii thing but I ordered a book called 101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body today after seeing it on the Mighty Girl website.

My dd is very slim and her dad's side of the family are all slim women with big boobs Envy so I'm sure she'll be fine on the weight side, but it doesn't stop her feeling self conscious at the tender age of 7 Hmm

I hope I can gain some wisdom from this book to help her (& myself) to be body confident whatever shape and size we may be.

HadMyTwo · 27/04/2014 21:03

It happened to me other way around, I didn't do it, my daughter had done it for her friend and put the wrong height. I actually told the mum and apologised. Anyway tell your dd that it's not really that accurate for children. The other mum might just be embarrassed and hoping your dd might have forgotten about it.

Housepricewoes · 27/04/2014 21:04

I'll caveat this being saying that when I get on the wii fit it laughs at my height and weight.

The Wii fits are very standard in their calculations but I did notice you said 'dd just crept into the at risk of being overweight'.

How can do know that she 'just crept into' that range if you didn't see it?

Original poster
annoyedmum10 · 27/04/2014 21:04

Thanks for your replies.

TBH I am terrible when it comes to game consoles. Don't understand a lot of the games.

I do not mind DD going on them, but I am just a bit puzzled why dd only went on it for a short time, she said it took ages to set up her character she stood on it for a minute stood off and that was it.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2014 21:05

Kids say horrible things because they don't (always) realise that the things they say are horrid or that they will cause genuine upset. That is life and has always been so, even friends can be like this with each other.

The friend's mother told her daughter not to say nasty things so it was picked up on and dealt with then and there. I would say that was appropriate.

You've spoken with your daughter now so hopefully that will set her mind at rest.

Molotov · 27/04/2014 21:08

Totally, completely out of order to measure and weigh your dd without permission from you.

WTAF? Angry

I would do my fucking nut over this. I'm usually very calm when addressing issues I am not happy with, but this mum would be in deep trouble with me. How dare she. She probably meant no harm but this could do serious harm to your dds self esteem. Bollocks to the bastard fucking Wii.

7 years of age is delicate. I remember being very self-conscious about my weight and height from around that age.

Please reassure your dd that the mum was totally in the wrong. I would actually like to hear the mun apologise to my dd, wih both children present. Please remind your dd how beautiful and precious she is; l
how much you love her, value and cherish her.

Honestly, OP, some fucking people ...

Original poster
annoyedmum10 · 27/04/2014 21:08

Housepricewoes, DD said she was in between the 2 settings, and showed me on her fingers how much she was in the at risk column, from that I gathered she might have just crept into it.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 27/04/2014 21:09

You stand on the wii fit board and it weighs you. You put in your weight hen it gives you a 'wii age'. You also need to do little balance tests as well so it does take ages. Brush it off as a silly game and move on.

Your DD's friend's mum obviously didn't see a problem - no one would put an obviously overweight child on that. It was a mistake borne of computer algorithms.

Molotov · 27/04/2014 21:12

Innocent mistakes can leave a deep imprint upon the mind of a young child. I guess it depends on how thr OPs dd generally feels about her body.

I'd still be having a stern word.

Housepricewoes · 27/04/2014 21:14

Calm your pants molotov- it's a fucking game.

Some wii games don't actually work properly if you don't programme your weights.

I played the ski jump game with some lighter people and we tried to by pass the weighing bit.

It doesn't work because the board doesn't recognise the weight differences (so the light people all crash off the end of the jump)

The machine dictated there was a height/ weight imbalance- that's hardly the other mothers fault.

WipsGlitter · 27/04/2014 21:15

She could. It have foreseen this would happen. Agree about buying her a good book on self esteem and move on.

Original poster
annoyedmum10 · 27/04/2014 21:16

I left a message on the mobile asking the mum to call me back.

DD was very upset, but after talking she seemed fine, she has never mentioned anything about her weight before.

OP posts:
Montegomongoose · 27/04/2014 21:16

molotov she didn't set out to humiliate the OP's daughter, she was helping them set up a character for wii.

I would have done the same if my daughter had asked me to so so for her friend; I would take a pretty dim view of anyone's mother coming round and 'doing their fucking nut'

I can't imagine what that would achieve.

OP, if you know your daughter is healthy then she will pick up on your calmness. An overreaction on your part might make her worry about it more.

You know she's healthy. Maybe spend a bit of time with her one to one this week and just listen and make sure she's not worrying about it too much.

As the wise PP said, they are not accurate for children at all.

Passmethecrisps · 27/04/2014 21:17

It certainly is an interesting one. I was just recollecting refusing to get on one years ago at a party because it makes your avatar look like it thinks you look.

On hindsight I will bet the mum is feeling awful. She obviously saw no harm.

I can certainly see your point molotov and you have own me round a bit. However, I would be gentler with the mum and just have a chat about asking that that game not be used again. There are lots of fun wii games which don't require weighing

wherethewildthingis · 27/04/2014 21:17

Lynda in the nicest possible way, your post really illustrates the depth of this problems. You want to help your daughter be confident and accept her body, but in the same sentence express jealousy about other female family members. It's not a criticism- I do it myself! But we all do really need to try and stop over analysing and criticising our bodies. I've made a pact with my friends to stop talking about what we have eaten. Men do not do this- it's destructive and harmful and feeds into the idea (forced on us by the patriarchy) that our only worth comes from how attractive we are to men. We need to teach little girls that they are worth more than that.

devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 21:20

Whilst I understand your anger and the upset caused to your dd, perhaps it might be worth looking into in more depth. You say she is "just bigger build" well, how aware of you of what is a healthy weight for her?

My dd1 is 11. She is extremely active, a dancer who trains for upward of 15 hours per week. Look at her at the dance school, she looks on the large side. Look at her at school and she looks tiny! And I mean that, she is year six and is smaller than not only her own class but most of the class below as well!

She has a very healthy body image and a healthy diet but a younger body shape than many of her dance peers. It's a difficult thing to deal with for her but she is aware that she needs to have a healthy attitude to food in order to have the strength to be able to do her dancing.

I would say the majority of her school friends are overweight. I do not mean that unkindly but if people skirt around the issue then the problem is only likely to get worse.

I'm sure your dd is a healthy weight but perhaps getting her weighed by a nurse and reassured if that's the case or given appropriate advice if not would be a better way of dealing with it than venting your anger at another mother who may not have realised what she was doing.

Molotov · 27/04/2014 21:24

My point of view comes from having sufferd for many years from an eating disorder.

As innocent as it might have been, it's the point that someone weighed and measured the OPs daughter and it appears to have upset the little girl. That would get me cross.

The OP may choose to handle it differently from myself, based on the views and advice of other posters, but my reply was given on how it made me feel.

Original poster
annoyedmum10 · 27/04/2014 21:26

DD got weighed and measured at school by the school nurse about 6 months ago. Everything was fine.

Not angry, just annoyed, think it would help in I knew the game, dd said she played no games just stood and it weighed her.

Just waiting for her to call back to ask her about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedmum10 · 27/04/2014 21:28

Appreciate everyone's views. :)

OP posts:
Molotov · 27/04/2014 21:29

I think that suggests the mum knew that a problem had arisen.

Montegomongoose · 27/04/2014 21:33

molotov I also have experience of eating disorders and I firmly believe that flying off the handle and being abusive over what sounds like an innocent mistake will cause more bad feeling, guilt, and shame in the long run.

I think lightness of touch is the key here.

I hope that you find peace with your own struggles, it's a horrible thing to deal with.

ilovepowerhoop · 27/04/2014 21:35

www.wired.com/2008/05/obesity-experts/ - there have been complaints in the past about the terminology used and it says that results may not be accurate for younger children

CustardFromATin · 27/04/2014 21:38

Imagine the exact same thread, but replace the word 'fat' with 'tall'. No one would be talking about doing anyone's nut in.

OP was understandably upset, as was her dd, but part of resisting the unhealthy focus our culture puts on weight is not getting so emotive about it ourselves. If OP had got as rage-filled as some others have suggested here, that would have clearly communicated itself to her dd that 'fat' was not just a silly mean comment, but a heinous insult.

The mum did the right thing by telling off her dd, it probably isn't the best game for kids as it is a bit more weight than pure health focussed and OP is right to reassure her perfectly healthy daughter and maybe use this as a chance to discuss healthy attitudes to her body.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 27/04/2014 21:41

I feel a bit sorry for the mum in this situation I'm sure she had no idea that the wii would put your dd in the possibly over weight category.