To be annoyed my dd 7 has come back from friends house saying she's fat?

[annoyedmum10]

Name changed.

I need some mumsnet perspective on this.

DD went round her friends house today, she came home and at dinner time said she did not want any dinner as she was already fat and burst into tears.

It turns out round her friends house they went on the wii and her friends mum set her up as a character on the wii fit and measured her height to get an accurate height, when she weighed her it came us as risk over being overweight, apparently (and you will have to excuse me I dont have wii fit) there was a healthy weight and an at risk of being overweight and dd just crept into the at risk of being overweight. Her friend laughed and said a few comments about being fat, from what I gathered from dd, her mum did tell her not to say nasty things.

But AIBU in thinking that is not something you do to someone else's child without talking to the mum first.

DD is not overweight, she is not skinny, but is just bigger build than some girls, she gets plenty of exercise walking the dog etc and eats healthy with the odd treat.

The friends mum never mentioned anything about the wii fit when I picked her up, and when I called her a little while back there was no answer.

I managed to speak to DD and think she is ok now, I just wandered what others views were. TIA

I am sure that I have read before that the Wii puts people (incl adults!) into the overweight category even when they aren't overweight.

I would explain that to your dd, that the Wii isn't reliable and actually doesn't say how things are. Maybe check on the BMI and show her on paper that she is OK (if this is the case of course!).

And the move on and do what one of the first posters said: Work on her self esteem as a girl/woman and teach her to accept herself.

Oh yes another thing re the mum. She might not have dare saying anything to your dd, being weary about her reaction if she was already looking distressed by her own dd comments.
She might not have known what to say.
Or she might have said something like 'Oh dd, don't worry about it. My dd is just being silly and you are totally fine!' big smile, trying hard to paint the issue as just a silly thing to say. And your dd might have heard it bit not listen to it, ie it didn't register at all.

FWIW if my dd or a visiting child has got upset, we normally mention it to the other parents, I have never said I was looking for an apology, just a word with the mum to clarify/clear the air, I mean I do not want to say to DD right your not going round there again, if after speaking to the mum my mind is put at rest. I am not speaking to her to have a go or demand anything.

I did not understand the wii fit, from what dd said it was like a health check, but as others have explained that is not the case. I had already left a message with mum asking for call back before I came on mumsnet.

There is no need to weigh anyone on the wii fit. You can set up guest accounts in advance, iirc, which is what we did and any visitors can just pick one of those characters to play 'as'.

Yes, the scales are inaccurate for children, and the wii fit isn't a doctor that can diagnose 'being in danger of obesity'. I have been in the 'obese' category on it and used it as a rough guide to get my weight down over time. I wouldn't weigh children on it, especially someone else's. Not because I think its wrong, but because people get so worked up about this kind of thing, sadly.

Please reassure your daughter that all our weights go up and down. After a meal and a few drinks of water she is going to be a lot heavier than her normal average weight. She could be 6 pounds lighter the next morning (I have been acording to the wii fit on more than one occasion!) One weight taken in isolation is meaningless.

Weight is only one small part of having a healthy lifestyle (how we relate to others is more important) and it is linked with exercise and what you eat and how else you spend your time, so not such a great indicator of anything on its own unless there is some medical reason to focus on it.

I think the boundaries of normal/overweight are a bit harsh on children too. My year 7 daughter has now shot up and is skinny but a few years before she was a little more stocky - still slim but not skinny - and it put her very high up in the normal weight. She plays it with her older sister and did make a few comments about it. I had to reassure her about the size of clothes she was wearing the right age eg was wearing age 9/10 etc. I felt to look at her that she should be much more firmly in the normal category so can quite see how a normal child may show up as being at risk of being overweight. To be honest, my daughter has had children round playing the wii with her and they straight away create a character on there (which includes weighing) before they play. If a child was overweight then I may (but may not have thought) to put a stop to it and suggested they go in as a guest. It's not something I play so may not have thought it through properly. But if a child is not overweight then I'm sure that I wouldn't have stopped it.

Well I have spoken to the mum, who said she did not call me back as felt awful about her dd's behaviour saying mean things. I reassured her I was not wanting to speak to have a go just clarify.

She admitted she did not know what to say to dd just told her dd off and turned the wii off. Apparently her dd then said to mine "mum turned it off because she thinks you will break it". (she spoke to her dd after we had left)

She said she had been struggling with an older dd who is obsessed with her weight and her dd may of picked that up from her. We actually had a nice chat and she invited me round for a coffee later.

"OP, if you know your daughter is healthy then she will pick up on your calmness. An overreaction on your part might make her worry about it more."
^ that's spot on imo.

Take this as an opportunity to talk about healthy weight, eating right being strong and healthy rather than having fixed ideas about the ideal weight. You cannot and should not shield a dc from the world around her. However you can give her the tools and teach her the ability to reflect and come to her own terms and opinion about the world she lives in. I'd say something like w11 are fun and have some good games. However they are machines and not very clever so can only handle basic information, such as weight and height but not how healthy someone is, how clever, how athletic etc.

Take this as a chance to show her she can trust you without you going apeshit. She might very well decide not to tell you next time because you are likely to embarks her further by making a big thing out of it.

Keep calm, reassure, give her context and educate her a bit ( not excessively) on health and weight and everyone being different. Maybe have a quite word with the other mother but don't go in all guns blazing.

I can understand that you feel gutted that your dd had to experience this humiliation though but keep your own emotions in check for her sake.

Glad you have cleared the air with the other mum, OP

I've learned from this thread, too. Although I maintain what my gut reaction would be, a calm approach is necessary and has saved another round of hurt feelings in this situation. Definitely worth bearing in mind when weight stuff arises for my own dds.

And I thought that was excellent advice fromreddish.

Well it is sad that she was upset by that. But it is a game about fitness. Tell her not to worry and that it was only a game. I hope it has not put her off playing with the friend who hopefully has learnt the error of her ways.

However there is an obsession with girls now to talk/text each other about their weight which of course is not healthy although I remember being on several diets when I was 14.I seriously believe now if I had not started that shit, I may have ended up a bit chubby but not on this yo yo dieting madness! It is worse now with all those skinny pictures of slebs and the obsession of uber skinny models.

Apparently my niece and her friends have been writing in journals how fat and ugly they are :(. They are all tall and slimmish, though neice's mum is much bigger than me and I think she is determind not to be like that (despite being more inclined to eat chocs and crisps than veggies!).

YANBU. I think the mum hadn't really thought it through, and I think of course she should have managed it better especially if her own DD was being unkind about it.
Having said that, it is one of the things we can't avoid, and if it wasn't now with that friend and that playdate it would happen another time. Sorry if that sounds terribly cynical, I find it very depressing actually how it is just so prevalent. My three year old DD had started to describe people as "fat" and comment on it - just in a factual way so far, but it makes me feel sad to think that she's clearly hearing it thrown around in a negative way. Likewise, I hate that she comes home from nursery now with other parents' kids ideas about what a girl should or should not do or wear or play with. I could cry. But instead I guess we just have to focus on having healthy, accepting conversations with them at home. x

That's great you've had a chance to talk to her calmly, and hearing her background maybe sheds light on the exchange between the girls.

molotov, good for you and for the record, my initial private reaction would have been the same as yours but I've learned through tough experience that our DDs watch and suck up all our reactions and staying light and calm discussing weight issues is crucial.

I had some excellent counselling too; happy to recommend if you want to chat by pm.