Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that just because I work very few hours doesn't mean

51 replies

coolcookie · 27/04/2014 19:39

That I should do all the housework bar the garden. Virtually all the childcare. Dh has probably changed 10 nappies in over a year. Most of the cooking bar throwing the odd pizza in the oven. All the nightwakings even if I am working next day and he is not. Ok to a certain extent re toddler as still breastfeeding but surely he could help when other dc poorly.
Even when we are on holiday I do the lions share.
Have 2 primary aged dc and an active toddler who is rarely in bed until 10pm
Aibu to want more help.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 19:40

He gets up 1st during the week but has both lie ins and weekends and my days are full on as soon as I get up.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 19:42

On the weekend. So say on saturday I was working but had to load car etc around caring for toddler.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 27/04/2014 19:42

I agree with you, but that's how it works in my house as well. If I didn't do the housework/shopping/cooking, it just wouldn't get done. I do the garden as well. Sad

wonderstuff · 27/04/2014 19:45

YANBU. In this house the person at home looks after the kids and attempts to do as much housework as vesable. Evenings and weekends are 50/50 as are holidays. Night wakings are me because I deal with lack of sleep better and DH drives a lot so it's a safety issue.

We do talk to each other if I one of us are feeling hard done by.

goofygoober · 27/04/2014 19:51

I also do very few hours, and do absolutely everything in the home. It has become a problem with us, as I rarely sit down before 9.30, after which I may have to start work. We've had the 'I've been at work all day', remark, literally thousands of times. I've done all the nights too (bf DS until he was 2.5, terrible sleeper).

Anyway, the best deal I have, is that DH at least loads or unloads the dishwasher at the weekend - and I get a lie in on one weekend morning. It could be better, but it's not going to change. It used to be much worse, I would get so pissed off with DH lying in bed over the weekend, whilst I ran around like lunatic, after all the DCs, on very little sleep.

You need to talk it out, start with the weekends, if he's home, then what reason is there for not helping out? Could he cook and bath the DCs one evening a week or over the weekend?

Good luck.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 19:58

The SAHP should pick up the bulk of the housework if home all day. If you ony have the toddler home during school hours surely it doesnt take that long to tidy and clean. Unfair to expect the other parent to work all day then come home and start again.

Weekend lie ins should be one each. If the house is kept on top of during the week there shouldnt be too much to do.

wonderstuff · 27/04/2014 19:58

TBH I'd be looking at going back to work. Our dynamic is so much better now we are doing fairly equal earning and home stuff. DH hated having all the earning responsibility.

manicinsomniac · 27/04/2014 20:01

YANBU about the childcare, he should help out with nappies and nights, definitely.

But, if you don't work much, then I think the housework should be your job.

WooWooOwl · 27/04/2014 20:02

Tbh, I work part time, and I expect that makes it my job to do most of the household stuff.

DH will do the bins, the garden and get the shopping sometimes, and sometimes we set aside weekend days to do bigger household tasks together, but as the part time worker, the day to day running of the house is up to me. Just like paying for the majority of stuff is up to DH.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2014 20:05

Mon - Fri, housework and childcare inc nights is your job.
Sat - sun- holidays, shared
Imo!

Backtobedlam · 27/04/2014 20:08

I don't think it should all be down to you, he's out at work, you're racing round with a toddler, it's not like you're home on your own. In all honesty I find the days I work far easier than the days I'm home and come back full of energy, to a house that is exactly as I left it as no kids in it all day. He should help out but no idea how to get this to happen as it's the same in our house.

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:08

Housework is never ending though. I clean a worktop than dh makes toast and leaves crumbs andpapers everywhere. Term time is judt a stream of school runs x 4. Club runs etc. Weekends and holidays are actually easier. As a um of 1 happy you haven't had the pleasure of dragging a reluctant toddler to scchool runs, assemblies, open days, after school activities etc. Yes from 9.30 to 3.00 I can be home if nothing on at school but I still have to watch and care for an iinquisitive toddler.
This is all fine. Night wakings during the week too but I still get up when I am working next day and he is doing the easy childcare apparently.
Its also the relentless meal prep, shopping etc.
Tonight he bunged a pizza in the oven for himself but I like to cook proper meals.
Now he is playing computer games whilst I am sorting kitchen so I don't have to come down to an untidy kitchen in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:09

Once finished I will be putting toddler to bed as I have done every day except the one night I was away on a work conference.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:13

The trouble is it seems to be my responsibility 7 days aweek. I even ended up dealing with sick children and sorting vomitty beds whilst pregnant and with a tiny baby who also needed my attention in the night.
The only time he steps up abit is when I am at wofk or on a rare night out. Even than I often find toddler in a nappy needing changing.
If I moan I am told he is too tired.

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 27/04/2014 20:15

So what are you going to do?

Darksideofthemoon88 · 27/04/2014 20:16

I think that if you are only working very part-time, then looking after the house and children is your job and is what your DP can reasonably expect you to be doing while he's out at work. Of course, on weekends/evenings/when he's at home, you should be sharing it more equally.

RiverTam · 27/04/2014 20:18

well - why do you put up with it? I agree he sounds a lazy arse, but you're enabling his behaviour. There is no earthly reason why you can each have a lie in one day of the weekend each, for example. Tell him to put the toddler to bed - or are you saying he would outright refuse.

Before I flame him I would like to know - how controlling are you/have you been in the past about this kind of thing? Because it seems to me that quite a few women who have partners like this also tend to sigh and huff when their DP does do stuff, but not necessarily how they would like it done. If you have wildly differing standards then you need to reach a compromise - it's his house too.

Also, was he like this before 4 children came into the mix - because that's another thing that puzzles me, why women have children (and more than one!) with men like this. If he was changing so few nappies with baby No. 1, I'm not sure I would have gone ahead and had more DC with him.

He might be a tosser. You might be a martyr. Neither are great.

Oblomov · 27/04/2014 20:20

I work part time. I do most of it. is normal, as most others have said. but at weekend we both look after kids , do gardening etc. so I don't see that side of things, to you, as normal.

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:20

Even at weekends woowoo does your dh sit around playing computer games whilst you do everything?

I do the bins too btw. Occasionally he will put them out on bin day but I always bring them back. How many dc do youhave? Maybe I am just iinefficient or maybe everyone in the the house is extra messy because keeping the place tidy and laundry done is never ending along with all the childcare.

OP posts:
EatDessertFirst · 27/04/2014 20:20

I work p/t and do the lions share of the house work and childcare. Its a bit old-fashioned but as DP works f/t I wouldn't expect him to have to clean when he has just done a 12 hour shift. He does cut the grass once a week, put the bins out and wash the car. Also, when he is at home he would prefer to be spending quality time with the DC rather than tidying up.

DP was excellent at nappy changing etc when the DC were younger. He didn't really ever do nights because 1) I am the lighter sleeper and would be wide awake anyway 2) DP drives a lot and sleep-deprivation would be dangerous and 3) DC were pretty good sleepers with strict feeding routines (set by them).

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. Set out your expectations, tell him how you feel and try to find a compromise. Its a partnership, not a competition to see who can do more/who sleeps most/ who is more tired. Down that road, madness lies!

RufusTheReindeer · 27/04/2014 20:22

Yanbu

In my opinion in a partnership

Mon to fri you should do most of the childcare (obviously) til DH cones home and then you share it

You should also do what housework you reasonably can til DH comes home and then share where possible

Sat and sun you should share lie ins and childcare and house work

That's ideally, if you have time to do all the housework in the day then it might be an idea to do it then you can just have family time in the evenings and weekend.

But most housework needs to be done throughout the day and night (dishwasher, tidying, cooking etc)

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:23

It's the weekends which annoy me. It also saddens me too that he doesn't want to spend time with the youngest especially. I don't think they have bonded that well and he blames me breastfeeding for this. Not the fact that he had virtuality nothing to do with youngest in the 1st 9months apart that moaning that he can't sleep because of the crying.

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 27/04/2014 20:24

Depending on what your DH does for a living, I don't see why he should do night wakings, and presumably put his performance (and potentially the family income) at risk.

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:28

Not saying he should do night wakings except possibly with older 2 when he is not working next day and I am.
I think there were only a few times I would have appreciated help. One when I had a screaming baby and a sick child to deal with and once when I was wrestling with a high sleeper mattress which dd vomited over whilst pregnant.
Even those times I didn't wake him as I think he had work next day.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 27/04/2014 20:28

Ok,so what you two going to do to change this situation.cant continue