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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that just because I work very few hours doesn't mean

51 replies

coolcookie · 27/04/2014 19:39

That I should do all the housework bar the garden. Virtually all the childcare. Dh has probably changed 10 nappies in over a year. Most of the cooking bar throwing the odd pizza in the oven. All the nightwakings even if I am working next day and he is not. Ok to a certain extent re toddler as still breastfeeding but surely he could help when other dc poorly.
Even when we are on holiday I do the lions share.
Have 2 primary aged dc and an active toddler who is rarely in bed until 10pm
Aibu to want more help.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 20:29

Had this problem, now DH has his jobs and I have mine

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:33

I do try and discuss it. He just goes on the attactk saying doing more will make him ill etc. Deep down I think he blames me for last pregnancy so feels I should have to get on with it.
Know something needs to change. Not 100% sure what way forward is.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 20:34

Thats just it. He sees garden and main job his. Everything else mine. Although I have just done a heap of pruning in the garden as kids couldn't reavh swing due to it being neglected.

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 27/04/2014 20:36

cool

I didn't really do night wakings as I sleep like the dead, the few times I did get up were when DH woke me with sick children

scottishmummy · 27/04/2014 20:37

Why isn't your toddler in bed til 10pm?thats so late.set routine,get some order
You'll benefit by not running around10pm.tackle routine and the kids first
Then deal with the adult kid.do a task list,allocate tasks equitably

Sigyn · 27/04/2014 20:37

YANBU

I think how much you can get done in the day is very situation specific but ideally there needs to be enough trust in a relationship that neither side is taking the piss anyway.

I'm at home with the kids right now. I do what I can. But every so often, at the weekend, dp and I blitz the place. My situation is a little different in that my kids are older (primary age), but currently homeschooled, I am also both studying and working from home, so I'm really not short on stuff to keep me busy.

I also massively lowered my expectations of what I thought needed doing. Nowadays my house is quite tidy but when I had three under four, it was a bombsite a lot of the time. The main rooms, kitchen, bathroom, were just about ok (if you didn't open a cupboard or anything) but the rest of the upstairs...jesus. In fact it was all a bit messy. But nowadays its fine, pretty tidy mostly in fact. Sometimes these things are just where you are at that time :-)

RufusTheReindeer · 27/04/2014 20:37

cool

I know that's not helpful but I don't really now what to suggest. My DH has always been very helpful

Methe · 27/04/2014 20:40

Of course of you're at home all day then the bulk of the housework and cooking is your job Hmm

Your husband sounds like an arsehole if he's not picking up the slack when either you or your children are unwell or if he's not doing his fair share at weekends but in general yabu.

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 20:44

Write up a calendar (for yourself at first) that shows how each of you is spending each hour of the day to see how your time is spent. Then show him and discuss what needs to change.

wonderstuff · 27/04/2014 20:49

If you wanted help at night, but didn't wake him, he didn't get the opportunity to help?

Sounds like you are both resenting each other. And if the baby isn't in bed til 10pm you don't really get any time together.

Can you ship the kids out, get some time together and work some stuff out?

MistressDeeCee · 27/04/2014 20:53

YANBU. I work very few hours, OH works full-time but he still does stuff around the house. There isn't a mindset that 'she is at home more so she should do more'. Its about mutual respect, nobody becoming the other's time monitor. I naturally do more as Im home more but its certainly not an expectation if on some days it doesn't all get done. I don't do gardening or any 'heavier' jobs either.

ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 20:54

He obviously hasn't responded to the way you've broached the issue so far (not saying that's your fault btw)

Something needs to change though as you've been angry enough to start several threads this weekend.

Would you consider couples counselling or some other mediation?

Weneedtotalkabout · 27/04/2014 20:57

Yes get your toddler into bed by 7pm. If they don't nap and get a good bit of exercise in the day I would have thought that was possible, Then try and enjoy your evenings.

YANBU though, I think many women are in your situation. I do 95% of the childcare and work P/T. I've always done all the night wakings, early morning wake-ups and bedtimes but I am a bit of a control freak about it too. The thing I hate doing is thinking about what to do for children's meals all the time and doing all the clean-up plus dealing with the squabbling gets me down.

I don't mind running round like a blue arsed fly when I'm in the house on my own but I must admit I do resent my DH lounging around on the sofa glued to phone/TV at weekends.

I can imagine your DH probaby gives you the line about "I'm working hard all week for this family so we can live in this house etc etc" as if your jo means nothing and the fact that you provide the childcare which enables him to have a decent job goes unmentioned I dare say

YolandiFuckinVisser · 27/04/2014 21:08

I would love to be in a situation whereby i could only work a few hours. In that happy state i may do more housework. Or i may spend more time with my children or doing fun stuff. One thing for sure though, if I'm working full time and dh is in a slack period (self employed), i don't think i should have to come home to cook dinner, help with homework, walk dogs, wash pots, wash clothes, do shopping etc.

TerrifiedMothertobe · 27/04/2014 21:15

Coolcookie. You are quite clearly too tolerant- a true woman.

Maybe dh needs to go through some pain, what would happen if something (forbid this ever happens) happened to you and meant he was in soul charge? Where would he start?

We have some issues in our house, although I am currently only off on maternity leave. I am actually the main earner and earn a lot more than my dh could hope to. However, it is still amazing how he ignores the washing mounting up, doesn't notice the fridge is bare and that the boys have no clean clothes. He also spends most of his non working (from home 1/2 week) life on his iPad (which drives me nuts). He hasn't used he vacuum cleaner unless I explicitly ask him.

However, he does all the DIY and does service our cars when he can and does mainly get up to our toddler (early riser) as I am feeding baby.

But, it drives me nuts. So I just occasionally go on strike. When I returned to work after maternity drive with ds1 he took 2 months paternity. My aim was to land him in the Sh1t. It worked and I had a view from the other side.

I went to work at 8am, came home at 7pm to a cooked meal, clean baby, full fridge and cold glass of wine.I still did more than he does when I am home .... But I see how nice it is having a housewife. I would have loved to have him at home the whole time.

So the moral to my ramble is, play him at his own game. Go on strike, it will be horrific, but sometimes it's the only way to teach a lesson....

You cannot go on being the life support machine. Something thing will break.

Hope that make some sense.

shebird · 27/04/2014 21:16

I envy some men's ability to view their days off work as literally a day off while women generally see a day off work as a day to catch up on household chores and run around like a headless chicken.

Toadinthehole · 27/04/2014 21:22

OP, how many hours per week do you work?

nailslikeknives · 27/04/2014 21:35

Hi cool, is it possible that if you were feeling this way in the work place, it might be described as stress?

I'm SAHM with 2 small boys, boundless energy, no volume control, capable of scaling vertical heights, endless laundry, thick layer of dust over everything they don't trail snot over, frequent sibling tantrums, frequent random tantrums over practically invisible problems etc etc

DH works v long and unpredictable hours. At home, he's capable of spending all weekend on the computer (sort of working/researching but a fair bit of time wasting IMO).

I take my Mums's advice to 'let them get on with it' every now and then. I find it really helps my stress levels to have a bit of time in my own head. So this afternoon, I left DH and the boys with very simple instructions and went to the shops for 3 hours.

It was all useful, household shopping with a pause for a coffee and 10 mins on the kindle, but it forced DH out of the office and I felt better for it. People might think SAHM, where's the stress? It's the tantrums and lack of personal head space that do my head in.

I dunno if that helps, can you hand over the kids and disappear for a couple of hours at the weekend?

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 21:58

Thank you for replies.
Bedtime routine normally starts at 8ish but rarely settles before 10. This is partly due to club runs during the week. Does nap during the day still. Obviously some evenings are better than others.
As I am self employed my hours vary considerably. In peak time I could do 16 to 20 hours a week with minimal childcare. During quieter periods maybe nearer 8 to 10.

OP posts:
rodgette · 27/04/2014 22:22

Hi

same position here but...

my twins are older now, it does get easier...

don't know if it helps but I got my car and never looked back..

I do all the house work, all the childcare, garden, food shop etc...

I worked F/T and finished my degree

worked P/T, completed an NVQ and did all this... I am very independent and stubborn, I am no martyr just determined to make myself happy....

it is true only you can...i think anyway

What worked for me was pleasing myself, doing the house how I wanted [much lower standards than DH :)]

I am quite happy when I am in control, not when things are in control of me [except pmt time]
I promise it will get easier, I was an enabler, not anymore, I enable myself these days....
HTH :)

Toadinthehole · 27/04/2014 22:46

I think the simplest way of deciding whether the division of labour is fair is to ask whether both parents get an equal amount of time to rest.

If they don't, the next question is whether there is a fair explanation for the difference, e.g.

-particularly tiring job
-health issues
-inefficiency in the way things are done

Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 22:47

Thank you. Things were different with the 1st two. By dc 2 he was fairly hands on bar bathtime. By the time they were both at school I had time to do all the school stuff, run my business, looking after ill mum and do house stuff.
Pregnancy with last child was a shock. I guess he just feels his life can stay the same because he wasn't planned. He once even claimed I tricked him. (Change baby) so I guess I have allowed resentment to build and not challenged him enough. Especially when I do speak he just throws the fact that life was better before he came along in my face.
Thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 22:50

The other issue is that I think he has a distorted view of what I do all day whilst he is at work. I think he genuinely thinks I sit on my bum all day drinking coffee, shopping and going out for lunch. (If only)

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 22:57

so do the calendar showing what you are both doing hour by hour, side by side including weekends.

Vikingbiker · 27/04/2014 23:43

I think you basically need the same amount of leisure time each day. He shouldn't have more then you.

All jobs shared at weekends.

He does the thursday, Friday and Saturday wakes but gets a full night the rest of the week.

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