To be sick of being told "we can't give you any money" by my parents

[CrystalBeth]

It seems every time I mention something financially related to my parents e.g. thinking of getting a conservatory/new car they retort "oh well we're skint at the moment, we can't give you any money" (they are definitely not skint but that's not the point).

To clarify, I have NEVER asked my parents for money towards anything as an adult, and would never expect them to offer me any, so I feel a little insulted that they seem to constantly insinuate I'm fishing for cash, when usually I'm just asking for advice!

I think most of us would chat or ask family for advice about this sort of thing, pretty sure Caitlin is in the minority!

Well my dad is dead and I rarely see my mum but we do chat about the mundane day to day things when she does put in an appearance. Why wouldn't i? she tells me about Gaynors failed gastric band op and Pams reluctance to send back unwanted Avon purchases. It's only fair.

I speak to my mum every day so she pretty much knows everything that is going on. I don't find that odd. I do sometimes have to make it clear I am not asking for money though as she is quite generous and will get me or the children things and sometimes I just want a moan or to think things through.

I can see how this is annoying, especially when you have never asked for money and they have never given it.

Can we have a list of what counts as interesting for chatting to family and friends please?

I fear I've been boring the pants off people on a daily basis instead of only opening my mouth when I have plans to go to Borneo to rehome orang utans or that time I gave birth to half a dozen rabbits or a ghost guided me to a buried chest of gold ingots.

I don't understand why the OP has to give details of planned expenditure to her parents. I can understand the parents' reaction to be honest; either that or it's a boast about how well off she and her husband are.

The OP has already said she was generally asking for advice when she raises new purchases with her parents (perfectly normal behaviour) or that her parents are the ones to suggest she should buy something.

My mother is building an extension to her house. We talk about it, it's interesting. My brother bought a new (silly) car and we talked about that too. This is normal family conversation, not some strange behaviour that needs commenting on.

I think Caitlin should tell all us boring lot what she DOES consider interesting topics of conversation when chatting with family and close friends.

I talk to my parents about things like getting a new car, or needing a new fridge. Just sent my DD a riveting text about a crack in my car windscreen in fact. He does offer me money for things though, in a nice way, and doesn't mind if I ask either. My mum doesn't really give me money/buy me things, but she doesn't mention the fact that she doesn't either - I would find that weird, and a bit insulting, like she was thinking I was only spending time with her or talking to her about that issue because I wanted or expected her to contribute financially.

CrystalBeth: My DP suggests you start conversations with the caveat "Now, I'm only bring this up because I value your opinion, not because I would like any financial contribution but, what do you think about this (fridge?)"

Where does OP say she is giving her parents "details of planned expenditure", Caitlin? Saying that you're thinking about getting a new car doesn't imply that you're saying "And it will be a top-range BMW and will cost £X" It's just normal family chit-chat. My brother was asking me only the other day how reliable my car is because they need to replace theirs: it never for one moment occurred to me that he was either asking for money or boasting.

I'm quite bemused about conversation in your family if none of you dares ever to talk about the possibility of buying something for fear of being accused of either cadging or boasting.

Example where discussing potential purchases is neither boasting nor asking for money.

"Ooo I need a new fridge it keeps shutting off"

"Have you tried looking at your fuses it may be nothing to do with the fridge at all"

Like people do on here all the time. When people discuss these things they generally want recommendations, things to watch out for or cheaper alternatives. They don't have their hands out.

I can imagine this is how the OP wants the conversation to go and is expecting instead of getting the reply:

"Well don't ask us we're skint."

I can confirm that I have neither a conservatory nor new car (I was using examples) so definitely not a stealth boast .

Yes to previous posters, it's usually pretty boring stuff like I need a new boiler because mine broke, or my roof tiles are falling off, which is why I find the response odd.

Next time someone tells me they need a new fridge I'm going to shout 'STOP TELLING ME BORING, BOASTFUL CRAP ABOUT POTENTIAL PURCHASES, FUCKER' making sure I get some spittle in their face.

rabbitrisen I like that idea. I think the OP should do it just for our entertainment.

It would be like that time Mrs Doyle in Father Ted coudln't speak for some reason. "Will you have a cup of tea?" "Oh go on" "go on".

Dont under estimate the power of self- induced guilt!

People react within their own emotional world and I suspect your parents are feeling bad about not being able to help so are reacting to that rather than actually listening to what you are saying! It's like their guilt or whatever is louder than your actual words.

I'd try drawing their attention outside their own emotions by explaining how it makes you feel.

"please can you stop saying that every time? Im not asking you for money,I know you don't mean to, but it's quite upsetting to be seen as money grabbing from my own parents. I love discussing things with you, and I can't do that if you're always assuming I'm asking for money"

Maybe that will get through the loud sound of guilt guilt guilt that is making them mention money all of time?

Talking about things you're going to buy is a boring conversation. Boring conversations happen.

You could just turn it around on them. "Oh, you're broke? We can't give you any money because we're planning on buying this car". :) Enough times and they'll get it. If not, it'll still keep you entertained and from getting upset about it.

My parents have bought about 15 cars in their lives (all second hand!). Until last year i'd never bought a single car, and barely know my engine from my exhaust. It seemed the sensible thing to do to ask them for advice. I love the idea of Caitlin's conversations never encompassing anything so dull and lowly. You must be SO clever and interesting, well done you!

If they have a habit of doing this, I just wouldn't talk to them about any future decisions involving large expenditures. It's possible that they've seen elderly friends hit hard by requests and wish to avoid the same.

My mum used to react like this if I talked about stuff to her. It's pretty horrible to find that the person you were having a nice chat with is all the time thinking you want them to put their hands in their pockets.

Sadly as my mum has got older this has progressed to dangling my 'inheritance' in front of me at every opportunity as if this is the only reason I phone her or visit her, which is developing into quite nasty paranoia that I am trying to swindle her so my advice is to knock this on the head now the best you can.

You've spoken of your mum, who lives with her jealous and domineering twin, in other threads deckswabber - concerning to see she thinks you're trying to swindle her, is this the twin's 'dripped poison' or might there be other cognitive issues (dementia can bring paranoia). Is she forgetful?

Stop talking about such things then. Don't rise to it.

Mine go the other way - my grandparents put money in a fund that was for family, my mother administers it and we get a little payout each year.
Much is made of this money (it's £1k a year so lovely) but it never appears, when I ask about it I get a long sigh and am asked about what has gone wrong now, why do we need money? This is after she has spent from Christmas to April reminding me that I can have it come the new financial year!

I don't discuss household purchases with my extended family. They'd all want to put in their ha'porths worth and think I was asking for advice. I tell them afterwards. I don't find it that exciting as a topic of conversation.
If the family fund money never appears I'd have a discussion with my parents to clarify how much money I'm to get when from it if it never appears and if your mum sighs and asks what has gone wrong I'd say "nothing but I thought you were just administering it not only giving it out when needed and it's nice to know when I'll be getting it and how much to budget". If you have sibs around get them at the meeting. Sometimes the wrong people are in charge of administering family money.