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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of being told "we can't give you any money" by my parents

62 replies

CrystalBeth · 27/04/2014 17:43

It seems every time I mention something financially related to my parents e.g. thinking of getting a conservatory/new car they retort "oh well we're skint at the moment, we can't give you any money" (they are definitely not skint but that's not the point).

To clarify, I have NEVER asked my parents for money towards anything as an adult, and would never expect them to offer me any, so I feel a little insulted that they seem to constantly insinuate I'm fishing for cash, when usually I'm just asking for advice!

OP posts:
myitchybeaver · 27/04/2014 17:45

Err have you ever just said "you know when I mention needing things...I'm not asking for money, I don't want anything from you."

Might help.

MaryWestmacott · 27/04/2014 17:50

Agree with Myitchy - you might be better saying something like "I really don't want you to think I'm after money from you, I just wanted to talk it through with you and get your advice."

however my parents are weird about how DH and I spend our own money (and DB), so I've stopped ever discussing anything at the decision making stage, and just tell them afterwards, more "we've got a new car" never "we might buy a new car" as mine would then give me strong advice about which I should get (in most cases, not at all because spending money is generally a "very bad thing") and then get an arse on if I didn't do what they said I should.

Gurnie · 27/04/2014 17:52

I'd just say the above ^^ or say "why do you always think I am after money? I've never actually asked you for any as an adult?"

Original poster
CrystalBeth · 27/04/2014 17:57

I do say, every single time without fail "I know, I'm not asking for money, I just want your advice" but they still do it. I've even tried not discussing finances with them but then they bring it up themselves and say "oh you should buy a new car" I say "oh we can't afford it", they say "shame, we can't give you any money" Confused

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 27/04/2014 18:02

Start messing with them then Smile

'Oh you should buy a new car'
'We've joined a New Age organisation that requires you to own a horse and carriage, so we're looking at stabling at the moment'

I know what you mean. I have less excuse as my mother and my ILs have both helped us out as adults Blush but I still hate it when people assume I am after money. I visited my godmother a couple of years back for a weekend with small ds because I felt very guilty that she'd never seen him. She gave me a long speech about 'did I know that she was leaving her house to her nieces' and obviously thought I was prowling round for inheritance.

EatDessertFirst · 27/04/2014 18:08

My DM does this.

For example, we were mooching in the shops and I said I wanted to pop into M&S to check out their school uniforms for DD. Cue massive hissy fit from DM because ' oh Dessert, you know I don't get paid till next week'. I was just like 'err, sorry did I miss something? I don't believe I ever asked for you to pay for anything, I just wanted to look?' I was genuinely shocked and upset that I had apparently upset DM.

I think my DM does it because she bought my DB and I up by herself. She still might resent herself for us being poor.

'I'm not asking for any money.......'. Repeat, repeat, repeat............

Pagwatch · 27/04/2014 18:09

If they are that bad then I honestly would wk on a catch all phrase and use it everytime.
'oh you should get a new car'
'well that would be nice but we can't afford it and would not borrow even if it were offered'

Or just have the conversation -

'you keep saying 'we can't give you any money right now' and to be honest it is getting massively on my nerves as I/we really really don't want anything fom you. Do you think you could stop saying it. And stop suggesting things we could buy while you are at it. I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve tbh'

Koothrapanties · 27/04/2014 18:10

Pils do this. It drives me mad. We have never asked them for money and never will as they would be the worst people possible to owe it to. They would hold it over us and use it to get what they want. This doesn't stop them repeatedly telling dh he is on his own financially and they aren't going to help him. It started years ago when he moved out to live with me and has just continued.

I have no idea why they feel the need, we dont even discuss financial things with them! They on the other hand have to tell us the price of their new kitchen, garden furniture, holiday, sofa etc etc etc... So vulgar.

MargotLovedTom · 27/04/2014 18:17

Are they good at giving advice OP?

If you do value their advice then you need to start every purchase related conversation opener with, "Now, I'm not asking for financial help here, okay, but we're thinking of getting a new car. Do you think the XYZ model would be good for us?"

Get it in first so they don't then bring it up and drive you potty.

If their advice isn't that useful I wouldn't even bother mentioning this sort of stuff.

rabbitrisen · 27/04/2014 18:22

I would keep a piece of paper in you bag which says "I am not asking you for money".
Then each time they bring it up, whip out the same piece of paper. Each and every time.
There is a chance that they will remember a visible piece of paper better than your words.

rabbitrisen · 27/04/2014 18:23

Oh, and when you whip out the paper, do not say a word. Just hand it up to them long enough for them to read it properly.

fairylightsintheloft · 27/04/2014 18:24

my mum does this and I think its mostly out of a sort of low self esteem thing - she has always felt like the poor relation compared to my in-laws (and my ex in-laws) and they have put various things our way (or, more often the grandchildrens' way) and if I ever mention it, or they see something that has been bought for them she ALWAYS says "oh well we can't afford to do that" I think she's always terrified that we or the kids will like the others more cos of what they give us, no matter how much I reassure her that we value their time and their hands on supportive grandparenting so much more than "stuff". I have no real solutions OP, other than to grit your teeth and keep up with the straightforward, open reassurance.

Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 18:52

Why are you telling them? I don't have grown up children (or certainly not one who would be thinking of getting either of those things) but if I had, why would I need to be told in advance about something as mundane as you thinking about getting these items? It's not quite in the same league as say emigrating to Australia.

It's no concern of theirs what you spend your own money on- they can admire your lovely conservatory and car when they're there.

YouAreMyRain · 27/04/2014 18:55

I think they might be saying "we would like to contribute/help you out but we are not in a position to at the moment" maybe it's like a "sorry" because they want to help out?

Do they say it with a sad face or a cross face?

Beastofburden · 27/04/2014 18:56

Ooh no, I would enjoy sharing the excitement of planning a conservatory with family.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 27/04/2014 18:59

So if they say 'You should buy a new car', just say 'yes we should' or 'Yes you're probably right' or 'We will when we're ready' and leave it at that - change the conversation abruptly and don't discuss it further.

Revengeofthechocolatebunny · 27/04/2014 19:05

Could it be your tone of voice?

I have been told that I am asking for help when I've said "I have done this" but apparently my tone of voice indicates uncertainty and what I really meant was "can you help me do this" Confused

Drives me up the wall when people assume what you really meant to say and ignore what you did say. Angry

Original poster
CrystalBeth · 27/04/2014 19:08

Do you not chat to your parents about your life then Caitlin?

I think they mean it in more of a sad tone than a cross tone :(

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 19:12

Well my mother's dead and no idea where my father is but I can't imagine talking to my brother and his wife or any of my friends about such uninteresting topics.

MrsDeVere · 27/04/2014 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 19:13

Yeah just thought about it. Never felt it necessary to tell anyone in advance that I was thinking of buying a car; just bought it.

MrsDeVere · 27/04/2014 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gertiegusset · 27/04/2014 19:42

Me too MrsDeVere, DS1 and his partner and baby were her this afternoon, talking about the holiday they are going on in August and about trading his car in for a new one.
Just general chat.
Not asking for money at all and would probably be a bit cross if I said something like the OPs parents.

gertiegusset · 27/04/2014 19:44

I just read your previous post MrsDV, embarrassing, I would be mad at my Mum for that.

Original poster
CrystalBeth · 27/04/2014 20:35

caitlin what is the need to be so catty?

Is it really that odd to chat to family about what's going on in my life?

I'd have thought it was pretty normal to ask my dad about cars since he knows considerably more than me!

OP posts:
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