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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh seeing his familyEVERY weekend

90 replies

steth · 27/04/2014 12:47

My dh works abroad approx 3 days a week so really 4 nights away as he arrives home about 10pm on the fourth day. So at the weekend I always look forward to having a family weekend just our dc's and dh. But every bloody weekend my mil calls or texts to see what time we are coming over. Not when or if we are coming but at what time. Really f'n pisses me off as this leaves only 1 day a week where we can all spend some quality time as a family.

I have complained to dh about this and he suggests that he goes to pils with the dc's and I have a day to myself to do stuff but he is missing the bloody point! I want us to spend time as a family.

It has become an expectation of pil that we see them at some point every weekend. On top of that mil is a pain the ass so I would rather spend little or no time with her.

When we lived abroad it was the happiest time ever as we had all our own time with no annoying pils.

Yes I understand that they want to see dc's but I don't understand why they need to be so greedy every weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
steth · 28/04/2014 10:09

Well, had the conlp

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/04/2014 10:24

Not sure why it has to be a day? Couldn't dh pop over for an hour at some convenient point to see you?
When my parents were alive, I'd often pop in for a cuppa when I had 1/2 an hour - so I'd see them regularly, but it didn't cut across other things I was wanting to do

TinyTear · 28/04/2014 10:30

That would drive me mad!
I am glad both sets of parents are far away but in the 2 years since my DD was born every single holiday and break has been with family...

At least DH is on the same page as me and next week we go for a week away just the 3 of us... Bliss!

riskit4abiskit · 28/04/2014 10:34

Think it depends on age of dc too. When babies or primary aged gps may be keen to see them every week because they change every week and grow up so fast.

When older its not so much of an issue so visits can be more spaced. Plus the dc will be busy with their ownown social lives.

So if its the dc the pils want to see then I guess fair do's, but if its dh you will be stuck in this routine forever if you don't say something.

riskit4abiskit · 28/04/2014 10:35

Also agree about arranging an evening in the week instead. Give it a jazzy name like 'Thursday pie' to sell it to pils

Flyonthewindscreen · 28/04/2014 11:10

OP - are your DC still very little? As if they are school aged, surely sometimes "summons" from the ILs clash with DC party invites/swimming class whatever. I have found that family time is much more impinged upon by my DC wanting to do other stuff, not by wider family obligations.

TheKitchenWitch · 28/04/2014 18:33

Can I just say I am loving the idea of "Thursday pie" :o

Vintagejazz · 28/04/2014 22:12

I can see the OP's point, given her particular situation.

But I do find it Sad that some people think it odd that adults would want to see their parents once a week.

SirChenjin · 29/04/2014 08:03

Depends what is meant by 'once a week' though, doesn't it? Once a week for an hour or so is very different to once a week for an entire day, or even a large chunk of a day.

theonewiththevoodoo · 29/04/2014 08:09

id suggest managing thier expectations better....

if i got at text saying that.... i text back.... we are going to the beach today, so we will see you next week.

or can we pop over now for an hour? we are going out tomorrow.

families often put in 'default' plans.... if you are not busy then see you at lunch on sunday.... but due to familiarity it becomes....see you at lunch on sunday.

layla888 · 29/04/2014 15:06

I had this problem and feel so bad for OP. So basically I have just got a family car on contract hire and I only took out 5000 miles a year and since the MIL lives 70 miles round trip we now cannot see them everyweekend otherwise it will use all my mileage up and additional miles are almost £3 per mile if we go over agreed mileage with dealership. Basically just showed DH how ridiculous it is driving every sat and sun to see MIL 140 miles a week! Plus MIL hates driving too see us as she says its too far and always gets lost hahaha

layla888 · 29/04/2014 15:07

I forgot to say keep planning family things and keep ur DH busy with house stuff, diy etc

Shewhowines · 29/04/2014 15:37

Most weeks would be fine if it was only for an hour or two. Dp can go with the kids sometimes. Definitely not whole days every weekend though.

KitKat1985 · 29/04/2014 15:57

I'm a teeny bit on the fence here, probably not helped by the fact that because of the fact me and my DH work completely different hours most of the time (him 9-5, me shift work involving a lot of evenings and weekends), means we sometimes only get one day off together a month, so the fact that you still get a day off together each weekend even after the day with the over-bearing in-laws sounds pretty good to me. Also I don't particularly think that seeing his parents once a week is excessive? I probably see mine about once a week and always thought this fairly normal?

However, there's nothing wrong with wanting the whole weekend together as a family. I think compromise is the name of the game here. Either:

  1. You say to DH that you drop the PIL weekend visits down to once a fortnight, (I suggest a pre-emptive attack here - casually Tell PIL's when you next see them that 'next weekend me and DH are going to spend the weekend doing x' and if they try and send any messages inviting you over reply say 'sorry we're doing x this weekend, I think we mentioned it last weekend, so can't make it').
  2. Agree a time limit on the PIL visits (I.E, agree to pop over each weekend but for 2 hours max), and the rest of the time is for you guys.

To be honest it sounds like the bigger problem may be your DH's job forcing him to be away from home so much, and maybe long-term you need to look at him changing job to something more family friendly?

Out of interest OP how often do you see your parents? x

shebird · 29/04/2014 18:20

I think the problem here is the expectation that you will visit every weekend so you are not free to choose how to spend your time. How do your PIL react if you said you were not coming for a weekend? Can you enrol your DCs in some weekend activities that would give you an excuse not to visit so often? Ultimately it is your DH that needs so resolve this with them.

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