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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh seeing his familyEVERY weekend

90 replies

steth · 27/04/2014 12:47

My dh works abroad approx 3 days a week so really 4 nights away as he arrives home about 10pm on the fourth day. So at the weekend I always look forward to having a family weekend just our dc's and dh. But every bloody weekend my mil calls or texts to see what time we are coming over. Not when or if we are coming but at what time. Really f'n pisses me off as this leaves only 1 day a week where we can all spend some quality time as a family.

I have complained to dh about this and he suggests that he goes to pils with the dc's and I have a day to myself to do stuff but he is missing the bloody point! I want us to spend time as a family.

It has become an expectation of pil that we see them at some point every weekend. On top of that mil is a pain the ass so I would rather spend little or no time with her.

When we lived abroad it was the happiest time ever as we had all our own time with no annoying pils.

Yes I understand that they want to see dc's but I don't understand why they need to be so greedy every weekend.

OP posts:

Fizzybangfanny · 27/04/2014 13:41

really wish there was a mil bashing section....... Dreams hopefully!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 27/04/2014 13:47

I think it's weird when people only see parents once a month, or less, when they live nearby.
I dont even get along that well with my mum, but I see her at least once a week! Maybe your DH just likes to see his parents regularly.
I hope my DS still wants to see me when he is grown up!

Having said that, maybe you could ask your DH to forgo it every other weekend, or, yes, take the dc when he is away.(Sorry, broke the rules!)

Bonsoir · 27/04/2014 13:50

I think it's really weird to see parents (grandparents) every weekend. It is important for parents to be on their own with their DC and it is important for families to socialise with other, non-related, families.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 13:51

ifnot - my DH's parents live on the same street as us and if it wasn't for me making the effort I doubt he'd see them more than once a month I do find this odd seeing as they are so close. Saying that though, they don't make frequent visits to us either.

My parents live about 40 minute drive away hence why I don't see them very often, I do speak to them at least twice a week over the phone though. I certainly wouldn't be giving up a day of my weekend every single week to visit them though if it meant sacrificing very limited time with my DH and DS.

SirChenjin · 27/04/2014 13:56

YANBU - your DH is being very unreasonable. Weekends are family time (ie, you and your DCs), esp. when he's away for most of the week. I think once a month is just fine, or if he really can't bear to cut the apron strings for whatever reason, a quick hour long visit earlier on either Saturday or Sunday morning so that you have the rest of the weekend to yourselves seems perfectly reasonable.

Coconutty · 27/04/2014 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 27/04/2014 14:12

Did you marry him knowing that there was a weekly commitment to ILS?

Tinpin · 27/04/2014 14:43

Is it him they want to see, or your dc's, or all of you? If they are happy to see just him, can't he just pop in for an hour without you all. I can understand parents wanting to see their son every week- that doesn't seem unreasonable. Not however when it becomes so dominating of your family life.
When my children finally move out, they are at the uni stage, I know I will still want to see them as often as I can. Not to the detriment of their own family lives of course but because like all of us I love them dearly . It is a hard balance for us all, isn't it?

yourlittlesecret · 27/04/2014 14:46

There was a lovely MIL thread yesterday.

Must have been a blip.

Tinpin · 27/04/2014 14:48

Oops badly worded I don't expect you to love my children ,nice as they are- I mean yours!

hamptoncourt · 27/04/2014 15:03

OP you do not have a MIL problem, although I accept you do not like her, you have a DH problem.

OP has said she doesn't like MIL so why should she take the DC to see her during the week? I wouldn't.

Time for DH to decide who he least wants to upset OP. I couldn't live with a mummys boy like this to has to jump to MILS demands.

Flyonthewindscreen · 27/04/2014 15:10

Is is that your DH genuinely wants to spend a good chunk of each weekend with his parents or that he doesn't want to upset them by saying no sometimes? Either way he needs to compromise and start lessening the expectation that you are always available for every occasion, I.e. maybe one week no ILs, next week he pops in with DC, the following week you all go.

RandomMess · 27/04/2014 15:13

I'd start with insisting every 3rd weekend was visitor free and move it forwards from there.

It's about compromise surely?

Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 15:19

It's far too often. How old are your children? Every week will be unfair as they get older and start to accumulate lives of their own too, which will happen sooner than you might think.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 27/04/2014 15:40

One day you will be a MIL, think on that

Imagine only seeing your child once a week, now imagine only seeing your child every month because their spouse deems this 'too often.'

Standinginline · 27/04/2014 15:47

I used to see my grandparents once a week and didn't think it was too much ,even when I reached the teenage years. Besides ,I could always say no if I didn't want to go. As for seeing parents once a week being too much ,I see my mum everyday but then she literally lives 5 seconds away sometimes it's only for an hour or so ,but doesn't mean I'm not independent ? I just like seeing my parents.

Mintyy · 27/04/2014 16:05

Mumsnet has been such an education for me on lots of topics and one of them is how much some people live in their parents' pockets and vice versa. I don't think it is weird necessarily to want to spend time with your parents ... but what about expanding your social circle a bit, doing other things, venturing further afield, making friends of your own age?

I imagine it to be very claustrophobic and stifling if your parents expect to be so involved in your life.

YouTheCat · 27/04/2014 16:17

I think it's fine to spend time with your parents but only if that is what the rest of the family want too and so long as it doesn't mean you're missing out on doing things as a family. If everything is always on your dh's family's terms then that is very unfair.

Tbh going round to watch football sounds deathly dull.

AlpacaPicnic · 27/04/2014 16:47

I suspect its not so much the visits but actually the lack of choice in the matter.
To those posters who asked how Op would feel if she could only see her children once a month - would you rather that you had family visit because they want to spend time with you ir because they felt they had to?

I don't want to have obligation visits, I would hate to feel that someone was spending time with me and resenting every minute.

hamptoncourt · 27/04/2014 17:03

When I am a MIL there is no way I will be issuing "Royal Summonses" to my DC and their spouses to visit me every weekend.

Life is busy and I would expect my adult DC to have things to do/people to see other than visiting me.

I cannot see what is so terrible about once a month. I do not intend to be so dependent on my adult children for company that I am pressurising them into visiting more often than they would like. I am expecting to be pretty damn busy myself doing other things. Maybe they will be complaining that they cannot see me as often as they would like

Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 17:10

Hamptoncourt exactly right. Given we're all living longer if one becomes a grandmother do the grandchildren attend with their children? And what about the other mothers/grandmothers involved? What if their royal commands get in the way?

DizzyKipper · 27/04/2014 17:39

Ditto hamptoncourt. I don't think it's really fair for parents to be reliant upon their adult DC and GC to provide them with a life/socialisation, particularly if it's at the cost of their own life. I certainly intend to try to ensure I have other social contacts, support, and outside activities so I am not expecting and waiting on my grown children to come round every week - I want them to have lives of their own!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 27/04/2014 17:51

Move. Seriously.

Breezy1985 · 27/04/2014 18:01

I know when I'm older I'll want to see my DC more than once a month, though I would expect them to put there family first.

Though I see my mum every day, she lives opposite and our dc go to the same school so I often pop in for a cuppa after the school run - I still have a life of my own though

Fairenuff · 27/04/2014 18:25

I get on very well with my PIL but we have no regular visiting hours. We often invite them to join us if we're going out somewhere we think they would like.

We've been boating together, vintage car rallys, zoos, historical houses, bowling, beach picnics, that sort of thing. In the summer we're going to hire a canal barge for a day and if they want to, they can come too. If they don't that's fine.

You can make it more fun for everyone and still enjoy family time together.

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