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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh seeing his familyEVERY weekend

90 replies

steth · 27/04/2014 12:47

My dh works abroad approx 3 days a week so really 4 nights away as he arrives home about 10pm on the fourth day. So at the weekend I always look forward to having a family weekend just our dc's and dh. But every bloody weekend my mil calls or texts to see what time we are coming over. Not when or if we are coming but at what time. Really f'n pisses me off as this leaves only 1 day a week where we can all spend some quality time as a family.

I have complained to dh about this and he suggests that he goes to pils with the dc's and I have a day to myself to do stuff but he is missing the bloody point! I want us to spend time as a family.

It has become an expectation of pil that we see them at some point every weekend. On top of that mil is a pain the ass so I would rather spend little or no time with her.

When we lived abroad it was the happiest time ever as we had all our own time with no annoying pils.

Yes I understand that they want to see dc's but I don't understand why they need to be so greedy every weekend.

OP posts:
thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 18:29

spider Grin yes agree take the kids to inlaws during the week.

Seeing inlaws every weekend is ridiculous (and I loved mine to bits.)

Tell your dh to cut the cord a bit.

Tell your mil you are busy.

TheScience · 27/04/2014 18:31

Just say no?

"Sorry, won;t be coming over this weekend as we are having some family time at home. Maybe see you next week?"

thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 18:33

Dame don't be ridiculous. My grown up lads don't see us every weekend! They are single. Quite frankly I would assume it was very wierd to see them every weekend if they were married with kids.

Mind you I am going to be a super mil so any dil/sil of mine would be glad to visit. Grin

MamaPain · 27/04/2014 18:47

I don't think its strange and if my DH started telling me that we couldn't see my parents I'd be outraged.

I see my parents at least once a week and I see my grandparents the same amount. We see DH's parents that much too for the part of year they live in the UK.

I do not understand this idea of family time that excludes your actual family.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 27/04/2014 18:58

I can't believe that people are seriously suggesting you move - ridiculous!

They're family, we love them and I dont get all this 'once a year' nonsense. I see my family and dps quite a bit.

By all means discuss and decide together how long you're spending with pil but they're obviously all close and demanding he limits contact would really upset me if I were him

IfNotNowThenWhen · 27/04/2014 19:02

Me either MamaPain!
But then, to me MN has been an education in that we are supposed to massively resent any time not spent with in -laws, and we must never, ever expect GP's to child-mind occasionally for free!".
Maybe you all going to in laws every weekend is be a bit much, but when I was married we would drive 2 hours to a family BBQ/dinner at least once a month, staying all day, and there would be other married kids, cousins, aunties. (Latin family) I did like my inlaws though (more than my husband).

IfNotNowThenWhen · 27/04/2014 19:03

not spent? I meant "spent"!

SirChenjin · 27/04/2014 19:05

But presumably you 'outraged' folk don't work away during the week and have a partner who doesn't relish the thought of spending every weekend at the inlaws (who can blame them...) when your limited time together as a family (as opposed to the extended family) is precious? Fair enough if it's a special occasion, but honestly - football at the inlaws over time at home? Stuff that.

MamaPain · 27/04/2014 19:10

But how is your own mother extended family? At what point does it change, I am presumably from what you've said, my DC's immediate family, so when will it change I need to prepare myself I don't think it's when they have children of their own because that's happened and we aren't any less close. I didn't pop my first DC out and think bye to my own parents.

DidoTheDodo · 27/04/2014 19:10

Crumbs. I see, my three grown up children about twice a year (each) and my sons in law maybe once a year. I do hope they reaslise how lucky they are, going by this thread.
So much MIL hating going on, it makes me sad.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 27/04/2014 19:12

Yes, once a week with Il's is too much for most people, but I don't think it's weird that a man wants to see his parents regularly. I hate the whole "ooh, mummy's boy, apron strings" nonsense.
But then, I will be issuing Royal Summonses to my DS and his long suffering wife Grin

YouTheCat · 27/04/2014 19:15

But the poor op was just expected to drop any plans she may have to go and watch football - that isn't quality family time.

SirChenjin · 27/04/2014 19:16

Your own mother is not your extended family necessarily - but your MIL is....do you see the difference?

The fact is that the OP is getting fed up with the assumption that they will all pile over to the in laws every single weekend, when she would like some time to do things with her immediate, new family. There's nothing wrong with that at all - a compromise whereby he reduces the amount of time he spends with his parents, or if it has to be a weekly visit he could pop round for an hour earlier in the morning. That way, they still get a chance to be a family without piles of in laws swarming about and resentment levels are kept to a minimum. Seems fair enough to me.

thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 19:23

Oh come on. I absolutely adored my mil but like the op my dh worked away all week too and yes we definatly needed our little family time.

My inlaws wouldn't have dreamed of expecting us to go every weekend, they had sense and also a life too.

I don't see my grown up kids every week and certainly wouldn't expect them to feel duty bound to see us.

We have a life too and have busy weekends.

MamaPain · 27/04/2014 19:27

It's his mother though, she might be OP's MIL but she isn't her DH's MIL. My ILs live in Jamaica for part of the year, my DH doesn't then say to me that as his parents aren't local, we aren't seeing mine. I would be devastated if he tried to curtail the time I spend with my parents and grandparents.

My adult DC and DGC also would be upset if they couldn't spend time with me. I see them nearly every day.

I think OP needs to expand the range of ways she sees the ILs, its probably going to their house which is the problem. Perhaps go out for lunch together, pub to watch the football together or have them over yours?

Itsfab · 27/04/2014 19:31

My PIL had an expectation they would see us every weekend pre wedding and children but I told dh that I had had enough of Sunday lunch round theirs so we started going on Saturdays to get it over with. Eventually it was phased out to not quite so much once the children came along. It is just too much. There is rarely a night when FIL doesn't ring. If DH doesn't answer he rings again the next night. It is lovely they care but it grates as sometimes I could do with more support and it isn't there.

TheKitchenWitch · 27/04/2014 19:35

But you don't have special rights of visitation because you're related, do you? It has to be mutual. I like my MIL, and when she lived nearby there certainly were times when we saw her quite a lot and then maybe a couple of months would go by when we didn't see each other at all because we were all doing other stuff. She has a lot of other friends, plus two dds (dh's sisters) with their own families; we have our own circle of friends, plus of course various things that ds might be doing over the weekend.

I live abroad ie my parents and sister are back in the UK, so I only see them a few times a year. We're still very close, talk a few times a week on the phone etc, so maybe my perspective is different. I really can't imagine wanting or needing to see anyone other than dh and ds with such relentless regularity.

SirChenjin · 27/04/2014 20:05

I know they are his parents....but they are not her parents, and therefore they are her extended family.

I don't think the OP wants to extend the range of ways she sees the ILs - she just doesn't want to see them that often, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Living on top of each other like that when one half of the couple doesn't want to, is the easiest way to cause friction and resentment in a marriage. You need a bit of space to just 'be' - to do the things you want to do, when you want, without being summoned to attend Great Aunt Mildred's 74th birthday party, or watching the football on TV.

Mintyy · 27/04/2014 20:20

Ffs, I don't even want to see my dearest closest besties every single week.

littlegreengloworm · 27/04/2014 20:24

Hmm, dh sees his parents most Saturdays and often Sunday too and they live half an hour away. I see mine during the week and Saturday too.

Mine don't think it's enough.

I don't mind dh going on Saturdays but today he went again. I like his mother a lot and she's kind and good company. He thinks they won't be here forever and I'm not going to begrudge him.

YouTheCat · 27/04/2014 20:34

But those of you saying how much you love seeing your parents/your dp seeing their parents/seeing ils etc, don't you see that this really has to be a case of everyone wanting to see each other? It also isn't a competition over who sees who most.

The OP wants some time as a family - their little family of parents and kids - and I don't see why there isn't room for compromise.

SirChenjin · 27/04/2014 20:36

Exactly cat - it doesn't really matter if some of you on here are happy to see your parents and ILs every day, the OP doesn't and it's her thread, not yours Grin. A compromise seems perfectly reasonable.

GobbolinoCat · 27/04/2014 20:40

Its wonderful when families get on like this, so close.

However if one partner is starting to suffer surely you put them first?

Horsemad · 27/04/2014 20:40

My inlaws live way too close to me and we were expected to attend Sunday lunch EVERY week.
Eventually the resentment boiled over and there was a massive row. We now haven't been for 20yrs and do not spend much time with them at all but DH insists we spend part of Xmas Day with them.
I can cope with that. Just.

Fizzybangfanny · 27/04/2014 22:00

Can't he just phone/Skype/ FaceTime ?

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