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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask when you felt ready to leave your baby or toddler?

65 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 10:56

I only ask because I can't work out if I'm being precious or if other people are being unreasonable to expect more from me.

I posted a few weeks ago about how I didn't feel comfortable about my IL's turning up unannounced because they wanted to take my breast fed baby out for a walk in his pram when he was just three weeks old. I told DH to tell them no and it caused a bit of tension. The support and advice I got on here was really helpful.

However, I have since been asking my RL friends about it and I'm getting really mixed reviews. My sister told me that when her DS was 6 weeks old she allowed her IL's to have him overnight, I was really shocked as I just can't imagine doing this. She also allowed me and our DM to take him on holiday for a week when he was 7 months old. She obviously knew we'd care for him but a week apart just seems so long at such a young age. My sister wasn't fazed by the separation at all.

My best friend on the other hand wouldn't let her DD be away from her overnight until she was 2.5 years old when she was finally allowed to sleep over at her Grandma's house.

My DS is now 5 weeks old and yesterday the IL's suggested we leave the baby with them if me and DH ever needed a break. They live on the same street as us so I know they'd bring DS straight back if he got upset but I still felt uncomfortable at the thought.

How was everyone else?
Am I just being a clingy mother with my PFB?

OP posts:

NoTeaForMe · 27/04/2014 11:01

I think everyone is different on this and what's right for one isn't right for someone else. I have a 3 and a half year old and I wouldn't leave her for a week, let alone my 1 year old! But it seems many people would.

You have to find what's right for you, if you're not happy to leave your baby yet then just thank your in-laws for their offer and tell them you'll take them up on it when baby is a bit older.

puntasticusername · 27/04/2014 11:06

There are no rules, everyone is different. I didn't leave my PFB for longer than an hour or two for eight months. Remember people probably mean well, they want to "give you a break" (as well as enjoy some time with the baby themselves), they just may not understand that you don't necessarily want one!

ILoveGlyfada · 27/04/2014 11:16

If you feel uncomfortable with the thought then don't do it( the overnight stay bit)
You won't be able to relax so what's the point?

Some women are happy to leave their very small babies overnight or for days with family. I'm sure it doesn't harm the baby but I would not be able to rest like that.

No one should put pressure on you to hand over your baby if you are not ready for it. Don't feel bad about it, just say no, you will realize when you are ready for it.

OhNoSheDIDNT · 27/04/2014 11:21

My eldest son is 7 and I still struggle with letting him although he was 6 months old when he started nursery.

My youngest is just turning 3 and I havent left him yet, but Im ready to. Just.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 27/04/2014 11:24

My DM had dd at two weeks old while dh and I went out for dinner for two/three hours. MIL was a bit longer, maybe six weeks? She came to ours and had a couple of hours alone with dd while Dh and I went out for a walk.

Overnights didnt happen til dd was sleeping through at about five months as I felt guilty inflicting nught wakings on anyone.

riskit4abiskit · 27/04/2014 11:25

My pfb is 8mths. I am just now letting him have 3-4hours with grandparents on his own. He will not be having any sleepovers until he can ask for them.

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 11:27

DD1 was 18 months vefore I left her for a day. DD2 9 months as I had to ho to work.

Overnight was from DD2 being about a year (DD1 3+) again work.

Have never left them to go on holiday yet, don't think I could tbh. It's always work, maybe 2 nights out and DD1 is 4 now.

But that's me others feel happy leaving them from very young. It's up to you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/04/2014 11:29

Left DS for a day when he was four months for a wedding, our choice. My mum was only down the road though.

DS has never stayed overnight anywhere but my mum did look after him at our house when he was about 14 months when I went on a hen weekend and DH was away. He had a great time! He's 2 and has yet to stay at either grandparents by himself.

Your child, so you decide.

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/04/2014 11:31

As others say, there is no right or wrong. If you are bf that limits the amount of time you can be apart naturally (even if there is a supply of ebm on hand); even if you're not, you might want to be close to them most if the time, and that's not being precious especially when they are only weeks old.

DS was in SCBU, so I "left him" when he was only a couple of days old. Some mums of SCBU babies then never let them go again; others are much more relaxed about being separated again because the first time is always the worst.

I'd just say thanks to your family for their kind offer but it's a bit early now (and then take them up on it when you do feel ready, even a couple of hours out as a green up couple can be really lovely)

Mybellyisaneasteregg · 27/04/2014 11:32

I haven't done an overnight away yet and ds is 2.9. I left him for a few hours from 3 months. Went back to work part time at 12 months, so away 10 hours a day.

This next baby I will be leaving earlier to go back to work. Probably around 3-4 months, that will be early for me :(

Don't feel pressured into leaving him until youre ready.

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 11:34

I didn't leave my first until she was three, my third I was happy to leave at around 18 months.

I have had my Nephew from two weeks old.

My friends have all been different.

I am a big believer in leaving a Mum to decide for herself, there is no reason to do otherwise. As said, I never felt that I needed a break, it annoyed me that I was sometimes made to feel like a martyr for wanting my babies with me.

CalpolOnToast · 27/04/2014 11:46

Days old for a walk round the village with my mum
About a month for me to go into town for coffee and nails
Not long after that with DM to go out for dinner
4 months he stayed over night with MIL
CM two days a week from 9 months

MIL has offered to have DS (13 months old now) for a week in the summer for us to go on holiday, I think that's too long but would be delighted with a few days in the west of Ireland (MIL lives in Ireland where DH is from). DH says he'd like a weekend in Berlin and I don't want to be that far away! Although to be fair MIL is a retired nurse and SIL is a nurse and midwife so they'd probably be a lot more competent than me if anything went wrong. I'm as happy for him to be with MIL as my DM really.

BrokenToeOuch · 27/04/2014 11:59

I've left my 3 pretty much from birth. They were all bf, but family would take them out for a walk to the park in their buggy if they asked to, why wouldn't they be able to?
Also have left them for nights out (coming home though) from about 3 months, and overnights when they reliably slept through the night, so around 10 months or so.
I wouldn't leave them for more than 3 days with anyone other than dp, but not because I'd miss them too much. I just think my dc are my problem and I don't think it's a grandparents job to be dealing with their shit for 2 weeks while Mum and dad piss off on holiday!
There's no real answer here

jacks365 · 27/04/2014 12:10

Dd is now 2.6 years and I've never left her over night but my parents are a distance away so we all go and stay. My parents don't see a need to have the grandchildren to themselves for the sake of it but would and do happily babysit for me and my siblings though it tends to be part of a bigger family visit as we are all at a distance.

attheendoftheday · 27/04/2014 12:14

I thinks that's very young and I wouldn't be happy at that age. 9 months to be left during the day and 16 months overnight felt ok to me.

BakingEating · 27/04/2014 13:12

Writer I remember your last post and your ds is the same age as my dd. I can't bear to be away from dd and the more people suggest that they "help" by taking dd, the less I want to let them. If people want to help then they should ask what I would find helpful. In reality, they want to spend time with my little baby, which is sweet and understandable, but this shouldn't be dressed up as wanting to help.

I think that personality, experience and circumstances all affect how we feel about leaving our dc with other people. I can't see myself being relaxed about it anytime soon.

PansOnFire · 27/04/2014 13:24

It used to stress me out when the offer of 'help' was to take DS for a few hours, I needed someone to get the shopping or hang the washing out really but that's not things other people want to do, they all wanted the baby.

I went back to work when DS was 7 months and I left him with mum, I'd done a few practice runs here and there so it wouldn't be too much of a shock. I did have to leave him for 2 hours with my mum when he was 4 months whilst I attended a funeral but I was only in the next town and had my car.

You will feel ready when you are ready, I know that's a cliché but it's true. At 18 months I'm not ready to leave him overnight but I know I could if it was an emergency. I know that he will be fine now but I feel too guilty to leave him whilst I focus on myself. I still cry on my way to work after dropping him off at my mums for the day. The anxiety lessens once you are ok with it but the sad feeling probably doesn't go away if that makes any sense. Don't feel pressured into leaving him, other people can just wait.

ChoudeBruxelles · 27/04/2014 13:27

Ds was 6 weeks old and stayed the night with my mum and dad. My dad would also turn up and take ds for a walk from about a week old. He'd just push him round the village. If ds started crying my dad would bring him back - was great as I could have a shower/sleep without having to keep an ear out for ds.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 27/04/2014 13:41

Everyone is different.
And that should be respected.
Personally I couldn't imagine letting them go overnight with anyone until they can reliably sleep through the night.
It's hard for me to judge with day time because I don't ally have anyone to take them.
I had a friend babysit for a few hours when DS was about 8mo.
Wen they were tiny I didn't want them out of my sight really.
You can choose.

WoodBurnerBabe · 27/04/2014 13:47

I've always been fairly relaxed about this - my MIL did some childcare for us when I went back to work, so each of my children has stayed with her one night a week for around 2 years (she'll only have one at a time, absolutely fair enough!). This started when each child was about 8 months. My DH took them all to Wales for a week last week as I was revising hard for an exam, so I had a whole week a away from all of them, youngest is 17 months.

Each to their own though, I'm sure not all are like me!

Zara8 · 27/04/2014 14:11

Everyone is different. I have not had a night away from DS and he is 18 months old. Neither DH nor I really feel the need - nor do we have the option really, as the only people we would consider leaving him with (DH's parents, or his brother) don't live in the same country as us!

I let DBIL and his partner take DS for a walk in his buggy when he was 2 weeks old - DBIL ordered me to go to bed and get some rest. I wouldn't have let DMIL do the same though - I think I felt DBIL was more trustworthy and sensible! But other than that I don't feel comfortable, even now, with him being left alone with anyone other than VERY close friends that he knows well, or the staff at his creche. I don't think that's weird. DH feels the same.

Whereas I have a friend who had a night away from her 6 week old, so she could have a spa night/break with her DH. She said it did her a world of good, so horses for courses I say!

Whatever mum is comfortable with, and as long as baby is with someone responsible of course, who knows how to comfort them! It annoys me when some friends needle me about why I haven't had a night away from DS yet, it's not something you HAVE to do if you don't want to. I've been extremely fortunate that DS has always been a good sleeper so I always get a break/time to relax once he's asleep. I can see how if your child wasn't a great sleeper you might really relish a night off, though!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 14:44

Thanks everyone for your replies- it's really interesting to see how different people feel about the issue.

Me and DH are going to the IL's for Sunday Roast later and I'm contemplating leaving DS there for a few hours afterwards (as long as he's fed and settled) so me and DH can get some housework done!! The house is absolute chaos and trying to focus on tidying it is very difficult with DS around I do think I will be able to leave him there but only on the absolute promise that they return him the second he starts getting upset!!

We will see if I can actually do it when the time comes though....

OP posts:

Louise1956 · 27/04/2014 16:14

I don't think I left any of my three sons alone quite that early. With no.1 son, I gave up breastfeeding after the first month, he didn't seem to like it particularly, and I was very restless when I was younger. I can remember going out and leaving him with my husband from about 1 month old. With my two younger sons it was much later, I was much more clingy with them, I don't think I left either of them with anyone else until they were several months old.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 16:25

I think the reason I'm able to contemplate leaving my DS there for a few hours is because they are only 10 doors away

There's no way I'd leave him if he was more than a 10 second walk away

OP posts:

DuckandCat · 27/04/2014 16:29

The pressure put on new mums be away from there young babies 'to rest' or 'have a break' drives me mad! My ILs caused me so much anxiety over this when DD was little.

OP do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you don't want/ need to leave the baby, then don't! No body is entitled to alone time with your tiny baby.

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