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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you felt ready to leave your baby or toddler?

65 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 10:56

I only ask because I can't work out if I'm being precious or if other people are being unreasonable to expect more from me.

I posted a few weeks ago about how I didn't feel comfortable about my IL's turning up unannounced because they wanted to take my breast fed baby out for a walk in his pram when he was just three weeks old. I told DH to tell them no and it caused a bit of tension. The support and advice I got on here was really helpful.

However, I have since been asking my RL friends about it and I'm getting really mixed reviews. My sister told me that when her DS was 6 weeks old she allowed her IL's to have him overnight, I was really shocked as I just can't imagine doing this. She also allowed me and our DM to take him on holiday for a week when he was 7 months old. She obviously knew we'd care for him but a week apart just seems so long at such a young age. My sister wasn't fazed by the separation at all.

My best friend on the other hand wouldn't let her DD be away from her overnight until she was 2.5 years old when she was finally allowed to sleep over at her Grandma's house.

My DS is now 5 weeks old and yesterday the IL's suggested we leave the baby with them if me and DH ever needed a break. They live on the same street as us so I know they'd bring DS straight back if he got upset but I still felt uncomfortable at the thought.

How was everyone else?
Am I just being a clingy mother with my PFB?

OP posts:
Thurlow · 27/04/2014 16:40

DD I left her for the better part of an afternoon and evening with my parents when she was about 5wo, as I had a funeral to go to. First overnight I went away and left her with DP she was about 4mo, and her first overnight alone with my parents she would have been about 6mo.

Right from the start, though, I was happy with the odd hour here and there leaving her with DP or my parents. In fact, I wanted and needed it.

Everyone is different through, there's very little right or wrong (though I personally do feel some of the absolute extremes are slightly concerning). It's all about how you feel though.

I don't think anyone offering to give a new mum a break means to put pressure on the mums. It's nearly always nicely meant and potentially just reflecting what that women (mum, MIL) had wanted when their baby was that age.

Familiessharegerms makes a good point about SCBU babies. DD was a SCBU baby. She was never that poorly for us to worry about her, but it does mean that she was apart from me from the start, so I wonder whether that has made me quite relaxed about leaving her. As in, it's not like the first time I ever left her was when she was X weeks/months old. We were separated right from the start so there was probably an element of normality in leaving her for a little bit for me.

fluffyraggies · 27/04/2014 16:51

Totally up to you OP :) In the nicest way.

99.9% of child rearing decisions are down to to the choice of the parents, no 'right' or 'wrong'. Nothing wrong with canvasing opinion though - don't get me wrong.

Personally i will not be leaving DD4 (13 weeks yesterday, EBF) with anyone else anytime soon. Older 3 DDs didn't get left till they were getting on for 1, and then they were babysat in their own home for a couple of hours. Sleepover at GPs wasn't till 3 or 4 IIRR.

MrsKoala · 27/04/2014 17:08

I actually find it harder to leave DS now he is older. I left him overnight with my Mum (the only person i would trust) when he was 3mo. I was fine. He wasn't that aware i doubt. But now he's 19mo he asks for me and actually knows who i am I feel awful and keep checking in. I have only left him overnight 3 times in his life.

fuckwitteryhasform · 27/04/2014 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 17:18

My son was looked after by a nanny (as in Mary Poppins not grandmother) when I returned to work full time. I can't remember when he stayed overnight with anyone. Probably around 18 months when a group of nannies booked a country house for the weekend and took all their charges.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 27/04/2014 17:29

I think we were doing say a two hour shopping trip and leaving the boys with granny and grandad at our house by about 3 months with each of them. With Ds2 I left him for about ten hours with DH at four months when I went on an all day daytime hen do for my SIL. He was ex bf, and I left lots of expressed milk in small quantities, all of which he refused, but he wasn't particularly upset as such, though he fed like a demon when I got back! We did an evening out getting back after they were put to bed by grandparents, when they were each about 12 months-ish, but didn't do overnight away from us till they were 3 and 5. It was at the grandparents, we'd gone over with them that day, and then off to a hotel for two days and nights to celebrate our wedding anniversary. In the years since, the GP's give us a five day break once a year in the summer, which is blissful. The boys have a very close relationship with their GP's though, they skype them every single week and chat on the phone twice a week. We've always seen them face to face at least every eight weeks, either for a weekend at their's or ours, and the boys know that I have a wonderful reationship with them too. We're lucky, they are fantastic people and have never, ever, once interefered in our parenting, and they rarely even go as far as to make suggestions to us either, though they'll always chat and tell us of their experiences if we ask.

GobbolinoCat · 27/04/2014 17:33

I have since been asking my RL friends about it and I'm getting really mixed reviews

of course your going to get mixed reviews, as every single parent is going to feel very differently.

I gave my first up, to early to the altar of the in laws....and it was horrific for me...I hated it.

Second time round I do what I feel comfortable with and its all so much better.

Do what you feel comfortable with, who cares if you are PFB this is your PFB enjoy it for god sake!

Caitlin17 · 27/04/2014 17:53

Oh I missed out "2 months" from my post. I went back to work when he was 2 months old.

beccajoh · 27/04/2014 18:16

With DD she was about 9 months before we left her with anyone other than DH or myself. She had a night with PIL at about 15 months, which was a disaster.

DS is three months and has had periods of time with either set of grandparents. He's bottle fed, which helps. DD was boob only until 7 months.

thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 18:24

Oh don't be worrying about what other parents do/think/did.

Who cares. This is your baby so do what suits you.

I have just dropped my precious second baby at the station. Ok so he's 23 but so what I still miss him!!!! Sad

BackforGood · 27/04/2014 18:27

As you already said in your OP, this is going to get as many different responses as people who answer, I should think.
Personally I was like your sister - would have been quite happy to have a few hours break from any of mine, within the first week or two, just to try to get some sleep. I went back and did a week's work when dc1 was 5 weeks old (then had 6 weeks off). I'd have loved having parents who were willing and able to support me in that way. but if it makes you anxious, then it's not a helpful thing.
What you must stop worrying about, it what other people do - you'll be driven demented, as there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way for most of these parenting decisions - it's about what works best for you and your situation Smile

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 27/04/2014 18:39

I - reluctantly - left PFB at six months so I could go back to work (just for a week, followed by six weeks Summer holiday). I did the shortest days possible and he was with DH. I then went back to work properly when he was 8 months. I didn't leave him for anything social/fun until he was a year old.

Now have 19 day old DS2 and have been thinking about this. Unlike his big brother, who was an adamant bottle refuser, he is happy to take expressed milk from a bottle and this is opening up possibilities! I'd love to go to the cinema or out for a meal that I could eat with both hands! I fantasise about a night in a hotel but wouldn't actually do this - I've only ever left DS1 overnight with DH, we've not gone away overnight together without him (except the night I was in labour with DS2!) and now we have DS2 I definitely wouldn't inflict the broken night on anyone else!

So I'm definitely ready to leave DS2 for a couple of hours which I couldn't have imagined with my PFB, however, I will probably wait til he is a bit more predictable and reliable with feeds etc.

There isn't a right answer! Just do what you're comfortable with - but definitely don't waste the break doing housework!

Toptack · 27/04/2014 18:44

DC1 was prob at least 10m before he was left with anyone other than DH or me. I can't imagine either my parents or my inlaws ever taking the DCs overnight, they certainly haven't ever offered! I'm feeling hard done by now...

KittyandTeal · 27/04/2014 18:57

I first left my DD around 5 months for 40mims at a time for a physio appointment. After that it was around 8 mo I left her with my DM for a day practicing going back to work. I found it very hard but it was only fair on DD to get used to me not being around.

I went back to work 2 days a week when she was 9mo and left her with my DM.

At 19mo I leave her with my DM and DF to go to work and for odd date days with DH. She's not stayed overnight and I'm still not ready!

I'm already feeling wobbly about her starting nursery for 2 mornings when she's 2. It'll be great for her and she'll love it but I'll find it hard!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 19:09

Well I did it, I left him with my IL's. I told them I'd be back in an hours time to feed him but made them promise that if he woke up before that then they'd bring him straight over. About half an hour later FIL arrived with a crying, hungry baby so at least I know I can trust them to return him and they kept their word.

We managed to do some super speedy housework within the 30 minute break which I feel much better for. That sounds pretty sad but bloody hell, the kitchen was atrocious Grin

OP posts:
jeanmiguelfangio · 27/04/2014 19:11

My dd is 13 months, I have left her three times, each one with my mum, and for no longer than 3 hours each time. I just dont want to. Ive left her for a day with DH, but he doesnt count when it comes to my separation. I would never leave her with my ILs because I dont trust them, they ignore everything I and Dh say and call me a horrible mum when I say no to something, sounds silly but they havent earnt the right to have her.

jeanmiguelfangio · 27/04/2014 19:12

Writer, well done, and you know now they will do as you ask, that gives you confidence so thats a good thing

TheWiseOldElf · 27/04/2014 20:00

The first and only night that DD1 (now 18 months) has had away from both me and DH (we had both had one night away when she was left with the other) was when I was in labour with DD2 when DD1 was 15 months. I haven't left DD2 for more than a couple of hours yet because she has refused a bottle. I have to go to a course for work on Saturday and need to sort the bottle issue this week but I'm totally dreading it.

Littlewhiteowl · 27/04/2014 20:05

Go with your instincts. My Lo is nearly 11 months old and I have only ever been away from him for 2 nights. Those 2 nights were the week before last and not at all by choice as I was rushed into hospital by ambulance. He was left at home with dad and I diddnt worry as I knew he was fine but I still wasn't ready to be away from him.

Ive never done it before but I feel like if I went away with friends for the night or something he would be fine at home with dad, that wouldn't bother me but Im not ready for anybody else to look after him overnight though. Not in a million years.

Everyone's different though. I know lots of mums who left their babies overnight after just a few weeks. Just go with what you're comfortable with. If you're not comfortable leaving baby then baby wont be comfortable leaving you! You don't have to say no to them flat out, Just say oh how lovely. I cant bear to be apart from him just yet but Ill keep it in mind for when I need the break. They are probably just dying to bond with him.

Thurlow · 27/04/2014 20:14

That's great, writer. Now you know that they are happy to do as you ask and hopefully you can all build up some confidence. When they are tiny it is difficult to get anyone else to deal with them, even when they are on bottles, as you really have to know the baby to know what they are crying for. But experience leads to confidence for everyone. You have a fantastic opportunity with your IL's on the doorstep for them to be able to do the odd hour here and there, which could be great if you are happy with it. I'm sure a lot of people have problems leaving their babies and toddlers with other people because those other people (parents, ILs etc) don't see them all the time and know them as well, or because the logistics mean an overnight stay. But having family on the doorstep who can really get to know your DS and who can help out for just that hour for a haircut or a doctors appt should be fantastic,

Takesalongtime · 27/04/2014 20:20

All parents vary greatly. I cm & got left with a 6wk old baby where as my own dc were not really left at all- no family near & not wanting to put on friends

missymayhemsmum · 27/04/2014 20:45

Grandparents you trust who are up for childcare and able , 10 doors away- could it be more ideal? Good idea to try it out for a non-essential thing like a housework catch up so that when you are ready you could venture out for a supermarket trip, dentists appt, etc, and maybe even leave a bottle of expressed milk?

MissDuke · 27/04/2014 21:09

I left my lo's with dh for short periods from very early on, but they weren't left with anyone else until I started getting them used to being with my mum before I returned to work. Dd1 has slept at my mums maybe 2 or 3 times, ds and dd2 never have though I stayed in hospital for a week with dd2 after her birth. I rarely ask for babysitters outside of my working hours mainly because I feel bad inflicting them on anyone lol!

IdaClair · 27/04/2014 21:14

First baby I left for an hour at 5 days old, had no problem with this, left overnight from 6 weeks, no problem with this.

Second baby was 4 weeks when I returned to part time work and under the care of dh for five hours twice a week, I do not know if you consider that the same, but I did have a problem with it, I was not happy being away especially as baby was ebf and had health issues. However second baby was 9 months before being 'babysat' by ILs in the evening and is 20 months now and has not been left overnight due to being a worse sleeper at 20 months than my first was at 6 weeks (really)

There is no right or wrong

GinnelsandWhippets · 28/04/2014 11:52

DS1 & 2 I left for an hour or two from a few weeks old, usually to get my hair cut/go out for a quick drink etc (both breast fed until 6m). From a couple of months old I was happy to leave them for a few hours during the day as long as they were with DH or GP. I went back to work when they were both 7 months old, so they've also been with the CM for 10 hours 3 days per week since then.

BUT I have only left DS1 overnight on 4 occasions - 3 times for hospital visits whilst pregnant with/having DS2, and one night for a wedding after DS2 was born. I haven't left DS2 overnight yet (he's 13 months). We're planning to go away for 3 nights at New Year & leave the boys with my PILs. The boys will be 3.4 and 21 months. I am comfortable with this, but leaving them overnight does feel quite different to daytimes or just a few hours in the evening.