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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not fancy my overweight DH?

66 replies

minecrap · 27/04/2014 00:24

We've been together five years, married one. When we got together, I'd just started WeightWatchers and proceeded to lose 6st (from 16.10 to 10.10) over the next three years. I joined the gym and was pleased with it. Two late miscarriages and various life stuff meant that my weight increased to around 12.10 but I was still exercising and fairly healthy when we got married this time last year. DH has always been average height, average build but not an exerciser. In the last year, our relationship (bar sex) has improved loads. We're on an even keel with regard to money, which had been a sticking point in the past and we've agreed a loose plan for the future about which we're both optimistic and I feel like he's my best friend and teammate in all this. But, we've both put on a lot of weight in the last year and we're each 14st (and 5'8). This is the biggest DH has ever been, but he's never really mentioned it as something that bothers him. DH regularly tells me he finds me sexy and initiates sex. I enjoy sex when he initiates it but I never look at him like I did before and think that I fancy him. I can't remember the last time I initiated sex but I do masturbate alone so I don't think it's a hormone/libido thing. I don't know what I can do to 'make' myself fancy him. I haven't talked to him about this and he probably had no idea anything is wrong which makes me feel even worse. All I can put it down to is his gaining weight in terms of physical attractiveness, but what can I do about that?!

OP posts:
macdoodle · 27/04/2014 00:39

Ugh you could grow up Hmm

manicinsomniac · 27/04/2014 00:40

I don't know really, that sounds like a hard situation.

I don't find overweight people attractive at all so I get where you're coming from BUT, I would have thought, that if someone you already love gains weight that it wouldn't change your feelings. Especially as you say you have also put on weight yourself. But I'm not speaking from experience there.

Can you go on a health kick together without you mentioning how you are feeling?

thevelvetoverground · 27/04/2014 00:41

So you're as fat as him but he still fancies you? Maybe sex isn't just about what you look like but the connection.

You can't make yourself fancy him but you can both do something about your weight. Exercise together? Adopt healthier eating?

Perhaps try various forms of intimacy to bring you closer together.

Please don't tell him you don't fancy him though. No good has ever come of that.

There are a bazillion similar threads on here. You might find them via advanced search.

AmIthatSpringy · 27/04/2014 00:47

Hmm, wasn't sure whether to respond to this or not.

You're the same weight as him, is that correct.

But you don't fancy him now he's put on a wee bit of weight (although a 14 stone bloke doesn't sound too overweight to me)

Maybe if it's too much for you to pretend to fancy him, you should just cut your losses and let him find someone who loves and fancies him for himself.

I'm sure there are plenty of us around Hmm

DaveMccave · 27/04/2014 00:49

thevelvetoverground is right. Sex isn't about looks. It is about the connection. My OH is over 10 years my senior, overweight, grey, less than average looks wise. (He's been the same since I met him, no gradual decline!) and I fancy him LOADS. Because he's a really great guy and I fancy him, not his body. Nothing to do with looks whatsoever, if the connection is there. Is your relationship really as good as you say it is, do you ever argue? do you spend a lot of time together? communicate well? Maybe you've just never had a good sexual connection?

NurseyWursey · 27/04/2014 01:22

Do you think he feels the same way about you?

notadoctor · 27/04/2014 06:10

Agree with the posters that fancying someone isn't just about physical appearance and so I wonder if there's something else to it... Maybe rather than the weight gain it's because you feel more settled and like a mate you've lost that spark a bit?

Without wanting to sound patronising - relationships change over time - I still fancy my DH loads and love sex with him but it's more about intimacy and feeling close now and less about a passionate desire to rip his clothes off. It also sounds like you've been through a lot together.

Maybe you need to spend some time doing something different to try and recapture the spark - exercising together could do that and tackle the weight issues at the same time - maybe something fun and silly like rock climbing or something romantic but outdoorsy like a long country walk - something where you'll get a bit sweaty together but also laugh lots and spend time together away from every day life.

jasminemai · 27/04/2014 06:59

I wouldnt want dh overweight, and hes said before he wouldnt want me to be either. It is looks and it isnt being shallow. If its not to do with an illness then there is no need to be overweight so if thats a persons preferences so be it. Its also lifestyle for us. We lead a very active lifestyle and I would prefer that not to change as we are very in to fitness.

I dont think there is anything wrong with that as we both agree. However you are very overweight yourself so do why dont you both get healthy and fit together as a shared interest?

RedFocus · 27/04/2014 08:18

Dh and have been together 5 years and I've gone from a size 12/14 to 8/10 all the way up to 18/20 and back down to 12/14 (no pregnancies involved) and my dh has never stopped fancying me. He tells me every day he fancies the hell out of me and can't wait to get me into bed that night. Even at my fattest he said I was gorgeous and sexy and he really meant it. He just never saw the fat at all. That's how it's supposed to be, that's when you have a connection that runs deep.
You see past the fat. You see past the age, baldness and all that stuff and you see what made you love them in the first place.
It's not your dh's problem it's yours op.
God forbid he should lose a limb Hmm
I don't see how you can move forward from here. Say he loses the weight but then loses his hair?
We all get old op, we all change.
Like another poster said perhaps you should let him go to find someone who would love and fancy him for being him not for his looks or lack of them in your eyes!

EllaFitzgerald · 27/04/2014 08:28

I would agree that it's definitely about the connection between you.

If it's something that you feel you just can't get over, then why don't you go on a health kick together? If you tell him you don't fancy him anymore, that could cause irreparable damage to your relationship; I'm not sure if I'd get over it if I thought my DH didn't fancy me anymore.

NormHonal · 27/04/2014 08:36

My DH is the same height and weight as your DH and sure, he's not stick-thin, but he's not obese, and not unattractive.

I still fancy him. Any body/physical issues in our relationship are mine, in my head, as I have put on a bit of weight since DCs and feel less attractive.

The problem is with you, not him, I would be willing to bet.

Catmint · 27/04/2014 08:40

There is a thread in relationships by someone whose husband judges her about her weight gain, I think it would be of interest to you, OP.

The title is DH finds me physically repulsive.

Original poster
minecrap · 27/04/2014 12:26

Thanks for that thread recommendation catmint - interesting reading.

Of course I would never tell him that I don't fancy him, there's no way that could end well.

I honestly thing our relationship is good apart from sex so I think that suggestions that I should end it are a bit over the top. And I know that sex is more about the connection that physical appearance and I do feel close and intimate when he initiates, it's just not something I ever do.

OP posts:
parakeet · 27/04/2014 12:31

I think you are all being too harsh on the OP. It's all very well saying "sex is about the connection, not appearance". You mean for you sex is about the connection.

YOu cannot help it if you no longer physically fancy someone.

Bunbaker · 27/04/2014 12:32

I totally get what the OP is saying. I just don't find overweight men the least bit attractive. I expect most men wouldn't find me attractive because I am skinny. Some people are just like that. Luckily OH isn't overweight, but as I do most of the cooking I would make damn sure it doesn't happen. I would still love him regardless though.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 14:54

Poor bloke, you sound a lot fatter than your DH.

Joysmum · 27/04/2014 15:21

You could stop being so selfish.

My weight yoyos. I'm anywhere between a size 8 and a size 22.

My DH has always been very overweight.

His lust for me has never been any different no matter what size I am.

Mine for him has never been affected by his size although over life events can affect things.

I love being able to please him and make him feel good as that makes me feel good. He feels the same. We both enjoy being pleased too. Size doesn't affect that and if it did I'd seriously question how in love we were.

Raskova · 27/04/2014 15:33

So he's there loving and supporting you during your fluctuations and when he's put on a bit, you decide you don't fancy him anymore?!

I'd get it if you were model thin but you say you're equally as fat as him?

You can't help how you feel so I don't want to be harsh on you but you could encourage him to join you in weight loss techniques!

YAB totally U. Hmm

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 15:36

Could it be you don't like yourself at 14 stone and you are transferring these thoughts onto your DH?

bigbuttons · 27/04/2014 15:37

When women post that their menfolk have stopped fancying them because they've put on weight they are told the men are gits....... just saying

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 27/04/2014 15:39

I think you both need to start a health regime and get fitter and less weighty together tbh.

Animation · 27/04/2014 15:49

You can't help it if the overweight aspect make you not fancy him. Don't see what's wrong with that. That's just the way you feel and you can't be condemned for that. I'm pretty much the same - when my hubby puts on weight I don't fancy him physically the same as usual.

It's an incentive to keep trim - both of you.

GrumpyInYorkshire · 27/04/2014 16:13

If you both weigh 14st, chances are you're a lot fatter than him. Are you transferring your feelings about yourself onto him?

Oh, and YABU. My DH used to be quite overweight, is now built like a greyhound. I've always thought he was the most gorgeous man alive.

Bunbaker · 27/04/2014 16:17

"When women post that their menfolk have stopped fancying them because they've put on weight they are told the men are gits....... just saying"

Boot, and other foot springs to mind doesn't it?

I agree with Animation as well.

DownstairsMixUp · 27/04/2014 16:18

I agree, at 14 stone chances are you are a lot bigger than him, even at supermodel height that is still really overweight for a woman. I think it must run deeper than that as tbh 14 stone at 5'8 is hardly monster size anyway?

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