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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not fancy my overweight DH?

66 replies

minecrap · 27/04/2014 00:24

We've been together five years, married one. When we got together, I'd just started WeightWatchers and proceeded to lose 6st (from 16.10 to 10.10) over the next three years. I joined the gym and was pleased with it. Two late miscarriages and various life stuff meant that my weight increased to around 12.10 but I was still exercising and fairly healthy when we got married this time last year. DH has always been average height, average build but not an exerciser. In the last year, our relationship (bar sex) has improved loads. We're on an even keel with regard to money, which had been a sticking point in the past and we've agreed a loose plan for the future about which we're both optimistic and I feel like he's my best friend and teammate in all this. But, we've both put on a lot of weight in the last year and we're each 14st (and 5'8). This is the biggest DH has ever been, but he's never really mentioned it as something that bothers him. DH regularly tells me he finds me sexy and initiates sex. I enjoy sex when he initiates it but I never look at him like I did before and think that I fancy him. I can't remember the last time I initiated sex but I do masturbate alone so I don't think it's a hormone/libido thing. I don't know what I can do to 'make' myself fancy him. I haven't talked to him about this and he probably had no idea anything is wrong which makes me feel even worse. All I can put it down to is his gaining weight in terms of physical attractiveness, but what can I do about that?!

OP posts:

Louise1956 · 27/04/2014 16:38

Attraction isn't a choice, it's got nothing to do with being 'selfish' as some people have rather absurdly suggested. If you are not attracted to him, and you think it's his weight, could you suggest you both making changes to your diet, and taking more exercise, maybe going to a gym together, or swimming perhaps? If you both lose weight you will feel better about yourselves, and you will be fitter and have more energy. Exercising together will be more fun than doing it on your own.

tobysmum77 · 27/04/2014 17:02

I doubt she is much bigger than him they are the same height . Dh and I are both 5'10 and 11st3ish. We really are much the same size .

OP you clearly have some relationship issues that you are trying to blame on dh's weight.

OafOrForksAche · 27/04/2014 17:10

I feel really sorry for your DH.

DH has known me from a size 10 to my current size 18 and he has worshipped the ground I've walked on at every size, same for me, I've know him skinny and really quite obese and I've fancied him just as much.

Why don't you stop projecting your feelings about yourself onto your poor DH who sounds lovely and get the pair of you back on a healthy eating and exercise regime and get some confidence back.

If that doesn't help, let him go as you clearly don't love him for better for worse.

DownstairsMixUp · 27/04/2014 17:13

Men and women carry differently. I've worked in hospitals all my life and seen women and men at the same height and weights but generally the woman will look larger as women to carry more fat than men.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 17:15

OafOrForks, that's the same as me and DH. He makes me laugh and also gets all my jokes. He makes me feel really special and pretty. That works for me. We've been together 20 years so have changed quite a bit physically.

tobysmum77 · 27/04/2014 17:16

Erm perhaps but it will hardly makes her 'much larger' it if they weigh the same and are v the same height. They are by definition the same size.

GobbolinoCat · 27/04/2014 17:22

I am sorry you have had some horrid replies, you cannot help how you feel after all.

Many people are put off/ disgusted when their DH leaves loo seat up and a myriad of other such trivial nonsense.

However I do thin you need to loo deep into this one, as some have said as you both get older....you aint gonna start to loo more pretty

I hope you find a way round, through this.

DownstairsMixUp · 27/04/2014 17:23

Hmm. If you say so.

OP good luck with how you decide to approach this, you've had some good advice here.

Darkesteyes · 27/04/2014 17:29

Wow its taken me since last August to get from 16 stone 10 to 14 stone 7 Downstairs you've made me feel sooooo good so thanks for that

OP I think you are being shallow.

Oh and Downstairs Women are individual NOT one big homogenous mass. I take a size 16 down from a 22. Because guess what....ive lost a lot more in inches than I have in weight Because like I said we aint one big mass.

waits for the comments about vanity sizing

Darkesteyes · 27/04/2014 17:32

Incidentally I used to be 21 stone and lost ten So when you see someone whos a certain weight for all you know they could be a work in progress.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 17:40

I think you are probably more superficial than he is. And I actually don't mean that to be nasty.

Consider: he's seen you a lot bigger than you are and smaller so if he fancied you bigger, smaller and in between then that's great.

But you're only seeing him change weight now IYSWIM.

Also, in my experience people who lose a lot of weight become a lot more interested in it (there's and other people's) to the point that sometimes they can be a little obsessive!

Darkesteyes · 27/04/2014 17:43

Walter im not interested in other peoples weight Never have been.

That's like saying all women read celebrity rags.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 17:46

I love when my husband puts on weight, makes me feel better about myself

We went through a stage a couple of years ago where he told me he didn't fancy me any more and felt disappointed that I'd put on weight. I'd probably gone from 12 stone to around 13. It was horrible and I still think about how deep it cut me given that i have huge self esteem issues around my appearance.

But it turned out he was having a bit of a crisis (midlife or whatever) and recognised he was being a twat. I think it was a bit of a Madonna/ whore thing... I don't know. In reality I was barely bigger than when we met.

Any way, what I'm saying is that this is probably your issue as when we love someone we don't see the fat. It's not normal to be honest. Once he had acknowledged his isshoos he was happy with me and I know he fancies me no matter what now yet I haven't changed

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 17:47

I thought Dark was talking about the OP.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 17:48

Tobysmum, men generally have more muscle mass so are not as fat as a woman of the same weight. My DH is a very lean 13.5 stone, at 13.5 stone I am very blubby

Darkesteyes · 27/04/2014 17:49

No I was talking about Downstairs attitude to women and weight like we are all the same A worrying attitude considering shes worked in hospitals all her life.

Animation · 27/04/2014 17:50

OP doesn't say she's stopped loving him, infact she says their relationship has got better in many ways.

She just doesn't fancy him sexually when he's put on weight. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy herself either when she's put on weight. Doesn't make her superficial.

wheresthelight · 27/04/2014 17:58

I am with the ladies who point out that if roles were reversed and op was saying dh didn't fancy her for putting on weight everyone would be telling her to ltb. But suddenly it's ok for her to be the bitch?!!

Doubles standards much?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 27/04/2014 18:00

OP have you tried going cold turkey with the masturbation to see if this helps?

DownstairsMixUp · 27/04/2014 18:04

What?! I never said that! I said women and men carry weight different so a 14 stone say, sedentary women, will look a bit bigger than a man! Please don't put words in to my mouth! I have no problem with sizes, my own DP is classed as overweight and wasn't when we met, I think he is beautiful either way. Mallificent probably worded it a lot better than me. Also the same as slim women, a woman at 9 stone who works out with weights will look slimmer than a woman who is 9 stone and doesn't do weights as muscle is a lot denser than fat. I remember doing weights and being 9 stone and have been 9 stone without any workouts and my waist was a lot smaller when I was weight training despite being the same weight! GENERALLY though, yes, a 14 stone woman at 5'8 will look a bit more overweight than a 5'8 man if you are comparing them in the same way i.e both inactive, not working out etc.

Darkesteyes · 27/04/2014 18:14

Ah I see.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 18:30

^Walter im not interested in other peoples weight Never have been.

That's like saying all women read celebrity rags^

Er, I was talking about the OP.

And I also said "in my experience" not "everyone who loses weight".

Bunbaker · 27/04/2014 18:39

"She just doesn't fancy him sexually when he's put on weight. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy herself either when she's put on weight. Doesn't make her superficial."

I agree.

bluesbaby · 27/04/2014 18:51

Are you sure it's his weight, and not just some part of his behaviour that might be putting you off? Do you actually fancy anyone else?

Sometimes my own libido fluctuates, and it's not so much that I don't fancy my OH, it's just... I just don't feel like sex. Nothing that he does. Or maybe he's farted and ruined my amorous thoughts

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 19:01

Well it kind of does make her superficial, IMO.

If there's nothing deeper going on and it's just about how he looks; that's pretty shallow!

But, like I said, I'm not saying that's wrong necessarily! Just kind of sad really!

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