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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am beyond pissed off

74 replies

QuickNM · 26/04/2014 20:19

I just want to Tell someone how pissed off I am. I'm tempted to go ranting at DP when I see him but wondering if I'm unreasonable regarding this one issue and it it's worth the argument.

DS has an autoimmune disease is regularly ill.
He was a bit teary after school yesterday and didn't eat his dinner so I guessed it was coming and in the night he woke disorientated temp 39.

I opened our bedroom door and the window DP asked why I explained DS was unwell. DP said ok.

He goes to work before we wake and last night before we were aware DS was ill he said was planning to go for a few drinks after work with his friends. I was pissed off anyway because I'm pregnant and jealous, I'm lonely, he's been out quite a bit and spends 6/7 days with these people anyway but I am aware those thoughts are unreasonable so said nothing.

He didn't call to ask about DS but text me about 1pm to ask if tomorrow we just wanted to stay in and have a roast to cure his hangover but didn't ask about DS.

I text back to say that was fine and incase he was wondering at all DS still unwell with temp and tummy pains.

He hasn't text back. I'd be coming home but then I know I'm PFB but the fact that he hasn't even asked about DS or doesn't seem to even give a flying fuck is making my heart race with anger! Not to mention he would never ever be willing to be left alone to look after poorly DS whilst I went out on the piss with the people I see every day.

It's just the cherry on top ATM. He things he is the loving family man and I'd be lost without him. It's bollocks but I'm pregnant and shitting it and DS keeps dropping heart wrenching bombs such as I love my mummy and daddy and when baby's here we will all be partners and a proper family!!! Sad

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/04/2014 20:21

Aww what a shame.

I would wait and talk calmly to him about it later when DS is better.

Will be better when you are feeling calmer.

Tell him how you feel though.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/04/2014 20:24

If you address it now your anger will just make him defensive and he wont listen. .you will end up arguing.

You need to tell him though. .but once DS is better.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/04/2014 20:24

This has been my experience

Ronmione · 26/04/2014 20:25

Is he asking you to make a roast or is he offering?

CombineBananaFister · 26/04/2014 20:26

I have no advice but am happy to listen to your rant and say that I hope your Ds is ok and to give you Thanks

Hope you're ok too. Maybe it's 'thoughtless' more than 'couldn't give a shit' - i don't know the history but don't let it wind you up or stew on it. Talk to him when he's sober, it might just have been a dick-headed oversight not to ask about Ds (hopefull) still doesn't mean it's not hurtful.

Original poster
QuickNM · 26/04/2014 20:27

He can't put a bag of chips in the oven let alone cook a roast Hmm Ronmione

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickNM · 26/04/2014 20:28

Thanks combine and fanjo.

To be honest I can't work him out myself because he always says the right things but his actions always say the opposite it's very hard and confusing

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 26/04/2014 20:30

Hope your DS is doing ok Thanks
Yanbu, it is very selfish of him to just carry on doing what suits him knowing you do need him at home. My DH would drop plans with anyone even if it was me that was ill, because you support each other.
But as you are very upset now, it would not be the best time to discuss this with him especially since your DS isn't feeling too good. He really needs to step up.

lanbro · 26/04/2014 20:32

My dh can be like this, I have learnt it is thoughtlessness rather than not caring but it is still hurtful. Explain calmly to him when you're less angry.

Original poster
QuickNM · 26/04/2014 20:32

Thanks coffee.
I wouldn't bring it up with him now I'd only get accused of trying to make his night shit.

I tell him all the time but he genuinely thinks he does enough by going to work, even though I work too.

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 26/04/2014 20:43

I always remember a guy at work talking about how is wife was seriously pissed off at him for going at and drowning his sorrows when she miscarried - or as he put it, it was an 'epic fail' and others thinking it was okay whilst I was appalled Hmm. He was genuinely heartbroken though Sad.

I am not making excuses for for you Dhs inconsiderate actions as he is accountable even when he does something shitty and clueless like this but am just saying the motivation behind the action may not be as personal as you may think - it may have been just fucking thoughtless.

Not sure if I'm helping or making it worse, am just trying to say maybe he cares but is an bloody idiot and it's as simple as he just didn't think. If you're like me you'll be thinking 'well he clearly doesn't care about Ds or he would ask about his welfare... and the anger builds as you wouldn't dream of not asking. Call him out on it though, he needs to be told.

again Thanks

Original poster
QuickNM · 26/04/2014 20:47

Thanks combine Thanks

I think it is that he is thoughtless. And we are very different in that way as I'm the complete opposite and over-think.

Which makes it harder as he is thoughtless all the time.
I'm just very unhappy at the moment with him and I'm finding it very difficult because I don't know whether that's how I genuinely feel or if it's hormone related but unjust cannot shift it and when he does things like this it just makes it all more difficult for me to think about how
I'm really feeling

If any of that makes sense

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/04/2014 20:49

YY to talking to him when the time is right ( interesting that you say he says the right things, so he's thinking the right way, but not doing )

You do need to get this out in the open though because soon you'll have a newborn and it sounds like your DS has ongoing medial conditions to deal with.
Your DP is going to have to be more hands on, and do things without you having to ask.
Learning to cook would be a start, eh?

cees · 26/04/2014 20:52

I would tell him to stay home and help with ds, no point in getting yourself all het up while he gets pissed up. I would absolutely ruin his drinking evening by making him stay in and man up to taking care of his child while you rest.

Maybe it's thoughtlessness but you need to pull him up on it until it finally sinks in that you put your kids first especially when they are ill.

Itsfab · 26/04/2014 20:52

How lovely of him to suggest a family day with roast dinner and let you cook it. FFS. It is time this idiot was told what being a grown up, a father and husband entails.

Actions speak louder than words. It is a cliché but it is true. Anyone can say the right thing but if they can't do the right thing then they are not worth it.

Mintyy · 26/04/2014 20:54

How is ds doing now, op?

Only1scoop · 26/04/2014 20:55

I hope he intends to do the roast....

He sounds rather selfish. I'd be upset also.

BolshierAyraStark · 26/04/2014 20:55

Yep, definitely one to address when feeling slightly calmer-shit behaviour on his part.

CombineBananaFister · 26/04/2014 21:00

If he is thoughtless all the time ask him to cook the God damn dinner - even if it's egg and chips, just make him-it's one step in the right direction at least.

Gurnie · 26/04/2014 21:07

Rant away. He sounds extremely thoughtless. How is your Ds feeling now?

Original poster
QuickNM · 26/04/2014 21:11

Thanks for being my sounding board and I know all
Of this and you are all right so it's all my fault for still putting up.

He thinks I am joking when I mention cooking, how he doesn't do anything at home etc he actually laughs as though he thinks he's cute and dependable on me Hmm he is deluded. He cannot see I am unhappy.

I've mentioned parenting classes since my last threat about him in relationships a while back (just forgot I name changed earlier but usual username is redandchecker) he said he didn't have time I said if he didn't have time then he wasn't committed to our family and making things better so
He would have to leave. So he then Agreed but the parenting classes are on a Tuesday afternoon!!! Hmm

I do everything and I always have and it's the way things turned out I was very young when I fell pregnant with DS and didn't work and anytime I bring up how little
He helps out his answer is about how Much be works. And I should be grateful. Any discussions end at the fact that he works and pays the rent I pay all other bills

He wouldn't know how to pay a bill. He gives me the cash for the rent I pay it and I deal with everything else.
And this is the thing he just hasn't a clue. He can't turn on the oven, he can't find DSs pyjamas or seem to be able
To locate anything or understand any paper work. And if I was to bring up tonight about how he should want to be home with DS or at least know how he is I'd be told
He works and deserves a night out and I am a mean drama queen.

I've probably been up and down the stairs 20 times to see to DS since 6:30. He is okay when he has calpol it's inbetween he suffers with pain and temperatures. Thanks for asking. We've ended up at the hospital many times with DS due to not being able to control temperatures, he should be here so I wouldn't have to ring out an ambulance if that were the case. I have had to twice before

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/04/2014 21:14

Cant you ask him not to go out?
And maybe a carvery on Sunday?
YANBU. I hope you can work it out. Don't unleash the anger though. Best to at least appear calm.
Thanks

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/04/2014 21:15

Oh. Sorry about your DS being poorly.

Original poster
QuickNM · 26/04/2014 21:18

I would TheReal but I know that would do more harm than good because even if he agreed he wouldn't be willing and there'd be an atmosphere DS and I could Do without. I just want him to want to you know Confused Blush

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/04/2014 21:19

Is he your DS's father?

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