to feel like I've ruined my life

[ambertigerstripes]

I definitely don't want advice, I'm just wondering if anyone is in the same boat - or can identify with my above title.

I'll try not to drip feed. I grew up in a very poor area - low aspirations, many adults who were illiterate. My parents were middle class but sent me to the local schools where I was bullied for my accent and other things like my clothes (parents had me late in life so although I grew up in the 1980s, I was raised more in the style of a 60s/70s child.)

Primary was mostly okay but when I went up to secondary the bullying was awful. I was once chased into public toilets and beaten up by boys in the year above me and another time two girls I didn't even know assaulted me on my way home from school - they just kept kicking me. I've given those two as examples I remember but to be honest it was the verbal abuse that got to me.

My dad then left my mum, and she died two years later (I was 17.) my dad sent me money but nothing else so I went away to university and then work with no social skills whatsoever

I am still a product of this. Some of my behaviour in my twenties was shocking, including prostituting myself for years for money, telling lies about my past because I thought people would think I was weird if I told the truth and deciding rashly to do things that turned out to be a mistake but that impacted and hurt others. I hate myself for this. I had an abortion a couple of years earlier, I hate myself for this most of all.

I'm in my thirties, no relationship, no children, crap credit score because of earlier mistakes so can't buy my own property, despite having reasonably-paid job (my career has been a car crash to be honest but I've swerved the major problems) and I look around me at people with "normal" lives, I want to cry, I don't even know what that is.

So I like coming on Mumsnet because I can see normal families aren't always perfect and some of the stories give me hope. But I wanted to start my own thread because I am full of self hatred today and it feels so so much better when I say so than let it stew.

I think that there is no such thing as a normal family. They are an invention of TV advertisers.

I am sorry life has been difficult and you were so unsupported as a teenager at a very hard time. Do you have contact with your dad now?
I think counselling would help you unpick some of the issues you are dealing with.

You sound like a lovely person who has a good handle on the mistakes they have made in the past. Have you had any counselling? I think it would be very useful to help let things go. You did things in your 20s that you now think were not good - well you don't do them any more, so let them go.

There is a saying that I read on here which I always remember: "Don't compare your inside to someone else's outside." In your case - you see what you think are "normal" families, but that's just how they look to you. They all have their problems, worries, even miseries, but you wouldn't know because you don't see inside, you only see the surface. You are just as normal as everyone else!

You are still young!

When I was in my thirties I had no relationship, no children, no money, no house, no degree, AND no career - all due to marrying ahem "unwisely" and splitting up with said unwise choice of H. Then I met DH and now I have a degree, 3 children, a house I love etc, etc. You never know what is around the corner!

You know, the thing that stands out to me is how self aware you are.
You know where things have gone wrong, you know where your weaknesses lay (although I think you're overly critical of yourself!!), you have a fairly good idea of why u are the person you are today.

All of that provides a great basis for changing the things you'd like to change.

And I'll bet there are a ton of positive things you could tell us about yourself too! What has gone right? What are you proud of?
Things can change, You can change them...

Thanks Balloon - I do like those sort of stories

I did have counselling yes. But it didn't help, I don't know why, really.

Ah thanks cakey I do love Mumsnet although I'm not a mum. You're right, there are positives too. And I know you shouldn't look around you and compare yourself to others but I always do and it inevitably makes me feel so sad. Sad I don't have a family, sad I arsed up so spectacularly in my younger years, sad I didn't give an innocent baby at least the chance of life. And I've got no one but myself to blame.

But I was SO nice, once, honestly

amber firstly well done on your achievements.

You feel like you don't have any but you've managed to escape the life you had in your 20s which not everyone can do. This shows huge strength of character.

You're only in your 30s. Your whole life is ahead of you. It really is.

We ALL make mistakes in our youth and the stories I could tell about my "perfect family" would shock you to your core!

Please consider counselling if only to sort out y

*your past and help you move on from it.

You're still young, you still have a lot of life to live. Make this the first day of the rest of your life and turn things around. You can turn it around you just have to allow yourself to.

There's a Kierkegaard quote I like

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards"

Give yourself a break. We all do stupid stuff, some of us more than others (ahem) but things do change. I've done some very similar things to you in my past, lots of regrets, lots of feeling lucky that things didn't turn out worse because they easily could have done!

Now I have 3 kids and a partner and house...

I haven't though really Walter - things have stabilised but I'm aware it's for now. I doubt things will stay this way.

I have had counselling, I'm honestly not convinced it works, not for every case and probably not for mine, as others have noted I am self-aware and I find a lot of counselling points out these links and WHY things happened, I know all of that. Plus I really don't want to go into some stuff, there's stuff I haven't mentioned on here I can't.

The awful truth is I don't want to live but I'm frightened to die, stupid isn't it??

Sorry x-post.

Just saw you didn't benefit from counselling.

It might be worth trying again. It can take a while to find someone you click with!

Please don't be so hard on yourself! I'm sure you ARE a nice person!

The awful truth is I don't want to live but I'm frightened to die, stupid isn't it??

Not stupid. But very, very sad.

Why do you think your life is only stable for now?

Maybe I am deep down but my actions have been anything but nice and ultimately that's what we're judged on, I suppose.

I know I don't want the can of worms that is counselling - so sorry, but I really don't, it's expensive and makes me hate myself as I have to be honest. To be honest the only way I get through the day is by pretending to myself and others I'm normal.

You haven't ruined your life, and there is no need for self-hatred, but life has dealt you a harsh blow to have lost your mum at an early age whilst having had so little other family support. You have had to do it all on your own at a time when others will have had a family looking out for them. (I honestly don't think that coming from the poor area is all that relevant and the bullying, while horrible at the time, would probably have diminished in your memory once you had moved away, but for your family circumstances).

You did well to get to university from your background and get a reasonably-paid job. Not having a family at such a young age does make you different and a bit of an outsider, and it must have been painful to see the other students going home at weekends.

Don't be too harsh on yourself. With what you have been through, bad behaviour is understandable. All you can do is move forward from today with the maturity you have now. Maybe counselling could help.

On a practical note, once you have got out of debt, a previous poor credit score may not be a barrier to getting a mortgage. There was a time when we owed quite a lot of money to several different organisations, but when it was all paid off, we were able to get a mortgage no problem.

Walter you're being so nice thank you really thank you

My life is such a car crash, it never lasts, any stability is only temporary, I'll probably mess up at work and have to move on - this has happened before

but most of anyone's 'stability' is temporary - relationships fail, people die, get sick, move away, are made redundant, sinkholes open up and swallow the family car

I think we are meant to grow and change and fuck things up, you sound like someone I'd want to be friends with if we met in real life!

don't get how counselling works but I feel shit just imagining raking over all the yucky stuff from my earlier years

Really Cecily? Thank you.

I have wondered, from time to time, if I've got a personality disorder I am TERRIBLE with money and spending, I stick my head in the sand and just SPEND like liquid.

Anyway I was on top of it at first, but then I went through a period where I just kept moving - not entirely my fault, I will admit to this - it was landlords selling and creepy housemates and so on, I lived in several different places one year (I was 22) including on the streets for 2 weeks. Anyway during this time my finances became a mess. And they've just kept getting worse.

I am guessing I need to speak to someone (CAB?) about establishing what I owe, I am embarrassed to admit I don't know, and repaying it properly. But it's really bad and I'm frightened I might be forced to sell what I DO own (I do have some equity in fact but I can't say what as it'll out me) to pay back my debts. And then I would be homeless?

God it's embarrassing talking about it.

Thanks Mitchy good to know it isn't just me

I also think you have a high degree if self awareness - but you also are quite hard on yourself. I can identify with much of what you say - especially the lack of stability. Does that make you feel as though you can't enjoy the moment because you are looking ahead to a time where you expect things to be not so good?

I would second finding a different counsellor. I've seen three, but only 'clicked' with one. Different counsellors specialise in different issues - could you look for a more specific one?

Do you have any time to do volunteering? Just to give you a sense of being valued iyswim. Would you consider speaking to your gp about how you feel?

Oh you poor thing please don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm product of a diabolical upbringing, parents were raving alcoholics, frequently smashed the house up, injured each other, my mother tried to commit suicide in front of me countless times, ended up in mental institutions, eventually left me and my dad. I was totally neglected and emotionally abused and name called from a very young age.
Moved out very young, was extremely promiscuous, ruined my credit rating for years, felt very envious of people from loving homes etc.

I'm not telling you this as a sob story but to give you some hope. I got a dead end job but quickly made it my business to move up the ladder and did so quite fast (still raking up large debts mind), built up a little social life for myself, eventually met someone and got pregnant. He wasn't the worst but I knew he wasn't going to be the provider me and my daughter needed so I cleared my debts when pregnant saved like mad and eventually bought a little home for me and my daughter and now my biggest problem is keeping it clean (have a thread on the go at the moment about it!) Because I'd never seen it growing up.

It's important to talk about it, I don't mean overshare, but don't tell lies. That's one thing I've never done because I was always told not to tell anyone what goes on in the house and it's so unhealthy.
People compliment me all the time on my relationship with my daughter and I'm so so proud that something so beautiful has come from such a mess. You wrote this so you're aware, that's so important!

Sorry I'm rushing out now so this might not read very well but there's a lovely future waiting for you it's up to you to grab it x

Sorry, cross post, see that counselling didn't work for you. If you are aware that some of the things you have done are bad, you sound as if you are very unlikely to repeat them. There is no need to worry that the stability you now have will be taken away. You are the one creating that stability now, so have become self-reliant. It is not like your teenage years when your stability was taken away by circumstances.

You really shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You regret having an abortion but from the other perspective maybe you weren't ready to cope with a child at that point, and that might have made things worse.

I know it is easy to say but you need to try to draw a line under what has happened in the past, forgive yourself and try to move on from there.

You really are still young enough to have the life you want, but try to take it one step at a time.

There are things you can do to improve your credit rating so look online to find out what to do and make a start on that.

And then think about other things that you want to improve - I know it is a cliche but find out what you like doing and try to meet new people through that. You don't have to tell them about your past if you don't want to.

It's a small example but I am in my late 40s and took up swimming about 10 years ago, and it has really made a difference, I feel fitter, calmer and have made new friends through it.

No one can change overnight but you can take small steps forward each day.

And you can't underestimate the effect your upbringing had on you - after that you were bound to make some mistakes, everyone does, but it is all part of getting to where you want to be...

Good luck. You sound like you are really trying to change things, and being aware of past mistakes is a big thing. I can really understand why you don't feel like counselling will help. I think it is probably more important to look to the future anyway.

Anonymony - thank you, I am so grateful for your post.

Cecily I am ashamed to say I do repeat them. It's only in hindsight I recognise this, though.

your choices about spending and money and work and stuff are just that though, choices and decisions that go well or not, not a measure of the worth of your character or whether you deserve to live