to feel like I've ruined my life

[ambertigerstripes]

I definitely don't want advice, I'm just wondering if anyone is in the same boat - or can identify with my above title.

I'll try not to drip feed. I grew up in a very poor area - low aspirations, many adults who were illiterate. My parents were middle class but sent me to the local schools where I was bullied for my accent and other things like my clothes (parents had me late in life so although I grew up in the 1980s, I was raised more in the style of a 60s/70s child.)

Primary was mostly okay but when I went up to secondary the bullying was awful. I was once chased into public toilets and beaten up by boys in the year above me and another time two girls I didn't even know assaulted me on my way home from school - they just kept kicking me. I've given those two as examples I remember but to be honest it was the verbal abuse that got to me.

My dad then left my mum, and she died two years later (I was 17.) my dad sent me money but nothing else so I went away to university and then work with no social skills whatsoever

I am still a product of this. Some of my behaviour in my twenties was shocking, including prostituting myself for years for money, telling lies about my past because I thought people would think I was weird if I told the truth and deciding rashly to do things that turned out to be a mistake but that impacted and hurt others. I hate myself for this. I had an abortion a couple of years earlier, I hate myself for this most of all.

I'm in my thirties, no relationship, no children, crap credit score because of earlier mistakes so can't buy my own property, despite having reasonably-paid job (my career has been a car crash to be honest but I've swerved the major problems) and I look around me at people with "normal" lives, I want to cry, I don't even know what that is.

So I like coming on Mumsnet because I can see normal families aren't always perfect and some of the stories give me hope. But I wanted to start my own thread because I am full of self hatred today and it feels so so much better when I say so than let it stew.

You do sound depressed to me. Many of the things you are saying are the same as DD (17) says atm.

Please do go and speak to someone - your GP, the CAB or a free debt counselling service - about your worries. You can conquer your fears and get on with your life (I mean this in the nicest possible way) instead of "over" thinking things and bringing yourself down.

I do wish you all the best.

You sound as though you are ripe for making some changes - taking control of your finances would be a good start as then at least you would have a finite way of resolving that problem. I always find it reassuring to remember that people like banks, credit cards etc aren't going to 'tell you off' for owing money to them. If you ring up, they won't call you stupid or question your choices, just sort out a repayment schedule and ask you to send them money. In some ways, I find that quite liberating - you can fix the problem without having to engage with anything emotional, yet you still get to feel good about what you're doing because it's a tangible achievement that will make your life easier.

Everything else is a matter of perception - instead of thinking about the innocent baby who didn't have a chance, think of the innocent baby that you protected from being born into a situation which would have been damaging and unhappy for both of you. Instead of thinking about your past as a series of 'mistakes', think of them as a series of life lessons which you have learned from and can move past. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but I'm sure all of us have done things we are not proud of in the past. It's ok to think about them, cringe and even be ashamed, but they don't define who you are now except for the things you have learned from the experiences.

OP - I had this a few years ago. Had no relationship (or found it hard in them), had credit card bills and loans and also lived at home for longer than I should have (moved back at 30 to save money).

Then I had a plan and also some inheritance which paid off a lot of things and also gave me more of a stricter view on life.

A lot of it is to do with happiness and depression, maybe you actually need to have some therapy (which I did) which can help rid you of some of the demons.

I had exactly the same opinion/attitude/outlook as you, bought things just because I could, spent money like water, had an "I deserve it" attitude. which was great but I ended up in debt too! I won't say I don't have a credit card now (small balance) but I do now realise that new stuff doesn't make me feel better, a new lipstick won't always cut it for me and that my life had to/will keep on, improving and changing.

You can move on up and get a better credit score etc I won't say it is easy (you can slip back into spending habits etc) but if you understand yourself better it does help an awful lot. Good luck and .

OP i hve been where you are. Made some stupid decisions too, I dont even have an excuse . My upbringing was fairly normal. I think you have amazing self awareness and you are so honest. Of you were a bad person you will blaming everyone else, you are holding yourself accountable for your actions- this is so commendable.

Good luck, OP. I hated counselling at first, now I feel totally different. The nhs offer it too, so no need to pay ridiculous funds.

Ps medication and counselling helped me.

You sound like a good person to me. Well, just as good as any of us are. As everyone else has said, we all have a past. But we don't have to be that past. You're self aware enough to figure out what your limitations are and I hope you also discover the good bits, too.

Good luck to you x

I agree with KeepingonKeepingOn too - counselling can be hard going at first (I had a great one) NHS can offer it too but I found mine at a reduced rate through a counselling service (they often do that) paid I think 10GBP at first then 15GBP after a while but well worth it. the cognitive behavioural therapy really helped me too.

You do sound self aware and we all make mistakes. And you do sound like a good person!