to feel like I've ruined my life

[ambertigerstripes]

I definitely don't want advice, I'm just wondering if anyone is in the same boat - or can identify with my above title.

I'll try not to drip feed. I grew up in a very poor area - low aspirations, many adults who were illiterate. My parents were middle class but sent me to the local schools where I was bullied for my accent and other things like my clothes (parents had me late in life so although I grew up in the 1980s, I was raised more in the style of a 60s/70s child.)

Primary was mostly okay but when I went up to secondary the bullying was awful. I was once chased into public toilets and beaten up by boys in the year above me and another time two girls I didn't even know assaulted me on my way home from school - they just kept kicking me. I've given those two as examples I remember but to be honest it was the verbal abuse that got to me.

My dad then left my mum, and she died two years later (I was 17.) my dad sent me money but nothing else so I went away to university and then work with no social skills whatsoever

I am still a product of this. Some of my behaviour in my twenties was shocking, including prostituting myself for years for money, telling lies about my past because I thought people would think I was weird if I told the truth and deciding rashly to do things that turned out to be a mistake but that impacted and hurt others. I hate myself for this. I had an abortion a couple of years earlier, I hate myself for this most of all.

I'm in my thirties, no relationship, no children, crap credit score because of earlier mistakes so can't buy my own property, despite having reasonably-paid job (my career has been a car crash to be honest but I've swerved the major problems) and I look around me at people with "normal" lives, I want to cry, I don't even know what that is.

So I like coming on Mumsnet because I can see normal families aren't always perfect and some of the stories give me hope. But I wanted to start my own thread because I am full of self hatred today and it feels so so much better when I say so than let it stew.

You have identified the reasons why you have struggled. Intense bullying at school and lack of emotional support at home at an early age are going to scar anyone emotionally. You need to start healing those scars and I know that counselling didn't work for you (what sort of professional did you see?), you should probably find someone more qualified to help you. It really does help, you just need to find the right person and you cannot heal on your own.

You are only in your thirties!!!! I am 40, time flies, there is no point in sitting down and thinking about what could have been. Trust me, you have so much time ahead of you. Please please make a plan and rebuild your life. You have been through so so much, so it might take years, but just take one step at a time and you'll get there.

Yes, it is more important to look to the future. Definitely. I like that line :)

One last thing, I also wonder is spending something to do with it. I'm the exact same, I have far too much of everything and shopping gives me a real buzz followed by a stomach dropping worry thinking I should have paid x, y or z bill! I muddle through but definitely not good with money and a slight "buying" addiction!

amber you will get help from CAB.

They can advise you and help you repay your debts. You won't necessarily have to sell your assets!

Re: the counselling if it's not for you then that's completely your perogative. Would you speak to a GP?

You could get anti-depressants. Plus, if there is the possibility of a personality disorder that is something you can begin to look into with your GP.

Remember, he/she is not there to judge. Tell them what you've said on here and let them help you.

Anything could happen to any of us at any given time. In that sense, all of our lives are unstable! And that's a pretty terrifying thought!

But you keep do

Time flies, I know, this is what scares me. One minute I was 28 and it was 2009 and now we're almost halfway through the next decade and I am still the same sad, lonely, scared person I was then

Ffs!

You keep doing what you're doing. Going to work, getting through your day.

Getting the help and advice you need and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop!

I know that's not easy, btw!

Who do you have in rl for support?

I am still the same sad, lonely, scared person I was then

honestly have always assumed we are MEANT to feel like that, as part of the human condition

sometimes do you feel happier? anything you are looking forward to? unfulfilled ambitions?

Shopping to me is like buying the life I "should" have. So if (say) I buy an expensive pair of sunglasses, it's like buying glamour and beauty and holidays and care freeness. Do you know what I mean? If I buy something pretty and girly and attractive I feel for a moment pretty and girly and attractive.

It's so stupid.

I used to buy myself presents - like the sort of things a mum would buy for a daughter.

Sorry, just realised that you said you didn't want advice!!

Honestly, I don't think there's a person alive who hasn't made mistakes. Just don't let them define you....

By the way, I am terrified of money too. It's so easy to build up debts. I am just trying to tackle mine. It is scary, but just acknowledging to myself what I have to do has started to make things better.

Walter I do have friends, weirdly friendships have always been a positive part of my life.

But I can also be a bit needy and need to reign myself in. As such I don't share everything with everyone so some friends know some things but no friend knows everything, if that makes sense.

That ffs was because I keep posting too soon, btw! Not at you!

Your shopping sounds like a symptom, not a cause.

Again, you've identified why you do it which is actually really positive.

You won't stop doing it though until you stop feeling like you have to compensate for the life you have.

It won't make you stop hating yourself.

You need to learn to love yourself and that's very tough but completely doable!

Solo, no this type of advice is perfect. Everyone's been SO nice, I was frightened of being flamed you see but I've had people just being lovely and non judgemental, I actually think I am going to go to CAB next week and that may sound like nothing but I'm actually admitting there's a problem and I haven't done that in nearly a decade.

I don't tell all my friends everything either.

It's a self-preservation thing, I think.

Gosh, you sound familiar.. almost looking back at myself here even though a lot of circumstances were different, the mood seems earily familiar.

I thought: If it's not better by the time I'm 40 I'll just kill myself, that's it. Not worth it. I was so lonely and tired. May have had a bit of a mood disorder, periods of depression and then carelessness about sex and money.. Ring a bell?

I burned out, crashed, fell apart, that sort of thing where I could not do anything, never mind top myself.
Took up yoga, meditation, had a therapist that did not look at where it all came from at first but helped me make those steps towards healing. Later did an intensive trauma therapy for PTSD, EMDR.

Went on a holiday with my friend to India. Met my husband, got married.. studying for my degree now. Life is better than it ever was. I might be damaged goods but I am good enough.

I hear you as someone who is smart and strong, knows herself and doesn't like herself enough. But you are willing and able to face yourself and look into what you do and have done. Maybe you could learn to be less judgmental about yourself but you do have quite a bit going for you already.
Wise words upthread by others... you sound nice! Don't give up.

Thank you, thank you thank you so much, I really can't thank you all enough xx

You have made the first step admitting to us, you have problems and asking for help. Now to take this further in rl.

Tackle bits at a time. Go to cab. It might be best to sort the debts out. They can advise on the homelessness etc. Once you have an action plan you can work with, a weight may be lifted off your shoulders. At the moment everything is overwhelming you, as you don't know how bad it is and you can't see a way forward.

Do you have friends you can talk to. Talking things through helps, even if there are no actual answers. Ask the doctor for help. Perhaps antidepressants? Perhaps self help groups where you can talk to others with similar pasts/problems?

You've buried your head in the sand for so long. This might help in the short term but it doesn't solve things long term. Problems just fester under the surface. You do have to confront demons to get rid of them. Can you think about counselling again? Be brave. You are mentally in a different place now, different councillor and all that.

Good luck.

You sound like a lovely person who has been dealt a dreadful hand. So you made some mistakes, who hasn't? The past is another country -you need to allow yourself to move on. Stop punishing yourself for things you have done and let them go.

Start again, one day at a time. You are very young, allow yourself to have the life you want to have. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else does.

It can take a few attempts to find the right counsellor for you and I totally understand that you don't want to go down that road again. I think you need to make a concerted effort to be kind to yourself. Have you ever tried mindfulness? There is a great ap called Headspace (I think, I'll check that).

op tomorow is a new day, new you.

The amount of times I have had to reinvent myself over the years is astonishing!

I grew up always feeling like I was looking in from the outside. Lots of family issues really ducked my head up for a long time. Made sooooo many mistakes. Nearly ended up in prison , drugs, promiscuity,couldn't hold a job, was an embarrassment to my family - all this with a small child in tow , bad credit.

I had to move away and totally reinvent myself, make new friends. Stop drinking, built self esteem. Checked my credit file.Slowly started paying my debts off. Retrained in a job that gave me self esteem.

I then met a wonderful man who was worlds away from the bastards I was used to. We now have dd2.

I still have night where I spend hours in bed guilt over riding sleep about my fuck ups. I have had to look at myself in the mirror and say, that person isn't me any more.

This may sound silly but when I'm having a bad thought about my past , I think about it fir a few mins then I seal it up and post it through a locked door in my mind. There is a lot of letters in there, but it kinda helps.

Post it notes all over your home to remind you how beautiful and amazing you are , go to the gym being pro active always gets me out of the haze of feeling fucked up.

P.s have you thought about going to a reputable company to do a debt management order to get on top of it. Scary at first but help me!

Amber, you sound like a fantastic person. You are so self-aware and clearly want to make your life and success. That's the first step. Please don't be too hard on yourself, no one is perfect and we never will be. We all make mistakes, but so what, we can learn from them.

It's great that you tried counselling, which has clearly helped you being very self-aware, but what counselling very much concentrates on the past and the problems. Maybe your next step is to try something that will help you to move forward. We can't change the past, it's there and it's done. What you can do is change your future.

It may not be for everyone, but NLP has some great techniques to help do this. It's not about delving into the past, it's all about the future and choices. Goal setting, planning, visualising - I really like it.

There are lots of books and self-help stuff out there for NLP, if you google it. Lots of NLP practitioners too.

From where I am sitting ( mid 50s) you are very young with your whole life ahead of you. If you want to move forward rather than look back can I suggest something called solution focused therapy. I have known people who have found this very helpful.www.getselfhelp.co.uk/sft.htm

Secondly your financial issues are very common and there is a lot of help available This organisation www.capuk.org is very well thought of.

Make a list, of the things you want to change. Then make a list of the things you CAN change.

Speak to CAB about your debts, or have a look at payplan.co.uk - they contact creditors for you & make payments on your behalf. Be wary of debt management companies though. The money saving expert site is good too.

You haven't ruined your life, you are a third of the way through your life & still have so much to live for.

Have you been to your GP recently?

What do you enjoy doing? What makes you feel happy? I assume you work full time, so hobbies might be hard to maintain... but I volunteer one day a week & am in a book group that meets once a month.

Career wise, would you like to further yourself? Is your boss approachable?

Do you have friends or anyone to talk to?

Also, with the spending... could you carry a small amount of cash & leave your cards at home? Could you save towards something lovely or a holiday?

Amber, I've skim read a lot of the later replies, but read all of your posts.

You sound like such a nice person from what you have written in this thread - very self aware, but you are very, very harsh on your opinion of yourself.

I look back at some of the awful things I've said and done when younger and am thoroughly ashamed at some of it, but that's not who I am now and it's all part of growing into your adult self. (And I had not a fraction of the things you had to deal with in your young life, I was just a selfish angsty teen).

Who you are now is what matters, your past is your past.

Please do try and face up to your finances, it will be worth it in the long run even though the thought horrifies you right now.

I just wanted to add to everyone else saying you haven't ruined your life.

You are so young with plenty of time to creat a new type of life for yourself ok you may feel your life so far has been ruined but that's no reason to think the future needs to be

My marriage ended four years ago when I was mid forties and I have had to put a lot behind me and start again and I still view myself as young with time enough to do things

One step at a time gradually dealing with all the things you need to

Good luck !

josephclough.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-past-negative-memories#

Not listened to this yet, but I enjoy his relaxation etc.