Hubby made no effort for my birthday

[MummyKWP]

I am never usually like this...I'm usually the very understanding type, always making excuses for hubby. I never complain, we rarely argue, I'm always Mrs Positive & immensely grateful for everything, I never moan. However, it's my birthday on Sunday, and I've been reminding hubby for weeks now to make sure he gets me a card, more so that he doesn't feel awkward on the day if he hadn't got me one! (I sort of do it jokingly, but so that he knows I mean it!) he's away from 8am-10pm tomorrow doing a sporting event so I know he won't have time to get anything tomorrow. I met him in town today & had to actually say "don't forget the card shop"...and he said "oh yeah".
Then he handed me £50 & said "that's for your birthday".
I know I sound totally ungrateful, but even if he'd got me something that cost £5/£10, but chose it himself & wrapped it up & gave it to me as a surprise on my birthday I would have been so thrilled. I am the easiest person to buy for because I'm ridiculously grateful for everything. There are some lovely bath sets in the local shop for under a fiver & I've bought some as gifts for people & I told him a couple of weeks ago that I'd be delighted if someone got me something like that for my birthday, they're do pretty. Handing me cash makes me feel like he's put no thought or effort in to it at all. I honestly don't care about the cost.
We have a 1 year old daughter & I had to say to him maybe 10 times that I'd love her to "make" me a card. Anyway, he never did. So I had to make my own birthday card with her this afternoon, writing "happy birthday mummy" on the front & letting her scribble on it. Why couldn't he do that with her & give it to me on my birthday? And no, he hasn't already done it. I know for a fact because I literally spend every minute with her. He could have taken her into the other room & told me they were making me a card, I'd have loved that. I even left some cardboard & crayons out & told him where they were!
I make a huge effort for his birthday, with cards & presents from our daughter & me, etc. I plan it for months.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm a stay at home mum & just feel a bit under appreciated I suppose, not very special.

I don't think you have any right to be upset until the actual day as you do not know that he hasn't got you a card. There are plenty of places open outside of your hubby's other commitments that he could visit, or might already have done!

Have you made it clear that you expect him to make an effort, not just because it's your birthday but because it's an opportunity to recognise just how much you contribute to your partnership and family?

Morris, Thanks it's nice to know I've made an impression.

I know it could seem like he's getting the easy end of the deal but my DH hates being sent away for the night as he is always too big for the beds (6ft 5 so I get lots of messages about lumbar support and sleeping diagonally) and cannot cope with the lack of attention. Also on the occasions he is banished I normally do something like take DC out for an expensive fun family night on his credit card whilst ignoring all contact from him.

I take 1-2 weeks holiday a year without him or the DC so he's generally pretty appreciative of me the other 50. Although I do hope he sits around thinking he married the right woman; too bloody right.

LongTimeLurking, I think you should go back to that. As most posters have said, it is a reciprocal arrangement that they expect because they are making big efforts for their DP's birthday. It's the getting nothing back that causes the hurt. Moreover if I really value something like Birthdays or Christmas, because of my upbringing or similar I think my partner should recognise that and respond. My DH is not jewish, yet as I am he buys me Hanukkah presents every year, in the same way I know he is terrified of the dentist so make myself available for every one of his appointments. It's not about being spoiled its about care and consideration for your partners wants and being thoughtful for the person you supposedly love. They'd be strung up for not recognising their DC's birthday.

Kicking your husband out to a hotel because of an argument or because he forgot a birthday sounds quite controlling and bullying to be honest. If a woman came on here and said her husband had kicked her out for a similar reason people would be saying it is DV.

As for the birthday issue - I still cannot get my head around WHY a birthday is deemed any more special or important than any other day. I would not expect any extra fuss or attention over and above what I would normally get as part of a good relationship.

I can only assume the people complaining here are stuck in crap unsupportive relationships and that is why the birthday becomes a focal point for all this unhappiness?

Domestic Violence?! It's not actual kicking, he's been told to leave or as you put it 'kicked out', theres a difference.

You're spectacularly missing the point, it's not about the birthday, it could be Pancake Day or St George's Day (I expect Mrs Griffin is extra busy on this one), or Eid, the point is that it matters to your partner and so should be celebrated by you.

Birthdays are a general event to celebrate for most people so many posters will be feeling strongly about those.

Despite all but one poster saying YANBU, I'm going to disagree and say YABU.

You're complaining on Friday about a birthday that hasn't happened yet. And why have you been reminding him for weeks and weeks not to forget to buy you a card? If you hadn't said anything and the day came and he hadn't bought you a card, then you're well within your right to be pissed off. But I don't understand why he needs reminding for weeks beforehand? Why not let him get on with it and if he does forget, THEN you can say something.

You're expecting him to fail before even giving him the chance.

DP has given me money for my birthday before. Yeah we split our money, but I won't usually treat myself unless it's something cheap because I worry about wasting it or not having enough money for something more important. So £50 to spend on myself would make me happy and I'd go off to the shops and buy myself a dress or something I'd had my eye on but wouldn't have bought otherwise.

All this wrapping things in tissue paper and a gift bag and leaving it as a surprise to yourself and singing happy birthday through the monitor just sounds very dramatic and bit sad if I'm completely honest.

I am not really fussed about birthdays myself, but it would hardly kill some of these men to buy a card! I think if you have a partner (or friend or relative) who you know cares more about birthdays than you do, not to make some effort to make that person happy shows you don't think much of him/her.

Revengeofthechocolatebunny

What was his reaction when he didn't get anything for his 60th?

And OP - this:
but it would hardly kill some of these men to buy a card! I think if you have a partner (or friend or relative) who you know cares more about birthdays than you do, not to make some effort to make that person happy shows you don't think much of him/her.

CuntyBunty yes, am still with him. It's strange, I divorced my ex as he was controlling and mentally abusive but I seem to have got into the same situation. Except I am stronger now and do fight back instead of laying back and letting him walk all over me all the time.

With regard to the OP I think that she is entitled to expect a bit of TLC and thought on her birthday. It doesn't take much effort. There's enough card shops around, you can send flowers/chocs or anything 24/7 without even having to leave your computer. He should be saying, don't be getting up at 6 on your b/day, I'll do the early shift so you can lie in as you deserve it.

Don't want to hijack the thread... but

What was his reaction when he didn't get anything for his 60th?

No reaction at all. He just doesn't care about birthdays and can't see the fuss about a "bit of card that you put on the windowsill for a day and then bin". He just wanted to go to see poxy model trains while I chew my elbows from sheer boredom. It was never going to happen.

I'm with Domestic too.

It really bugs me when they say they never had time! My response is "you've had a year"!

All this wrapping things in tissue paper and a gift bag and leaving it as a surprise to yourself and singing happy birthday through the monitor just sounds very dramatic and bit sad if I'm completely honest.

Because it doesn't matter to you.

However, it matters to the OP and many others (me included), so the hurt to them is real.

DH was a bit like this when the children were small. Things changed when I stopped being politely grateful for any acknowledgment of my birthday and made it clear one year that I was not happy at all. Things have also improved massively now that my children are older (I suspect that my 13 year old dd chooses my presents!)

You need to let him know on no uncertain terms that you're not happy.

But that's the whole point of AIBU. To get different perspectives from people who would either feel the same as the OP in the situation or the opposite.

Wrapping things up and planning to sing happy birthday is all a bit premature. The OP is expecting him to fail before it's even happened. I'd be pissed off if it was my birthday and DP hadn't got me anything. But I'd wait for the actual day to be pissed off first.

How did it go today, OP?

If your DH is great in other ways, I think you need to forgive him (not quietly tho - tell him you're upset and hurt and talk it through.) But if he's not good in other ways, he just sounds like a negligent bastard!

My DH has never done/bought me anything for any of my birthdays. He says he doesn't know what he'd get me. He just asks me to tell him what I want when I want it and then he gives me the money to go out and buy it. Fine - but not romantic! He never gives me a card either. The closest we got to that was when I had a miscarriage on my birthday last year and he sent me a sweet email.

I know other posters have said that you can't class men as "just not being good" at it, and I don't think it's a gender thing. But if you are with someone who has first class gift giving skills (like you, planning, buying him presents, making him cards from the DCs) it is hard to match that, and you feel that anything you do will be pathetic in comparison. No matter how many times you say you don't care what it is, you just want some thought going into it, his pride is stronger than that.

YANBU at all. When you're a SAHM while hubster goes out to work, getting promoted, getting praised by his team for his efforts while you sit at home feeling underappreciated, the LEAST you expect is a teeny bit of fuss once a year. Last birthday was such an afterthought from my DH.... he has a ridiculously busy job and just came in late as usual with a card and that was about it. I was devastated because all I wanted in the WORLD was for him to take a day's leave so we could do something together with the kids. I was so upset. So this year he's taken the day off! That's all I want. I really hope you had a nice day OP: you sound lovely xxx

YANBU, and I say this as someone who is very lax about birthdays. It's all about communication and how you both manage your expectations - your DH should know by now that birthdays are a big deal for you.

This year, DH didn't get me a present - he did get me a card - but he gave me an IOU for a digital camera of my choice (just bought it today, it is swish). His birthday is tomorrow and I haven't got him a present either - I would normally have got him a posh bottle of single malt but he is working to cut down his alcohol use so that would have been completely inappropriate - he will also get to choose his present, we are going shopping next weekend. It works for us because that's how we are.

We do both expect some serious effort to be put into picking a sarcastic-borderline-rude card though. Because that is a big deal for us.

Hell would freeze over before I begged, pleaded or instructed someone to buy me a gift. They either want to and go and pick something, or they can't be bothered and that says volumes about their true feelings.

If you hang around in a supermarket or shop around mothers day or valentines, you will see hundreds of self conscious men tring to select something nice. If they can do it , there is nothing to prevent others doing the same.

nope, no way would I lower myself to begging, ive too much self worth

There is no excuse for him being shit. I would suggest you make as much of a fuss of his birthday as he does of yours. I would also take a book, leave my phone and dissappear to a coffee shop for a couple of hours.

Happy Birthday today

Happy birthday OP. Hope you are still in bed being waited on and spoiled.

Happy Birthday