Hubby made no effort for my birthday

[MummyKWP]

I am never usually like this...I'm usually the very understanding type, always making excuses for hubby. I never complain, we rarely argue, I'm always Mrs Positive & immensely grateful for everything, I never moan. However, it's my birthday on Sunday, and I've been reminding hubby for weeks now to make sure he gets me a card, more so that he doesn't feel awkward on the day if he hadn't got me one! (I sort of do it jokingly, but so that he knows I mean it!) he's away from 8am-10pm tomorrow doing a sporting event so I know he won't have time to get anything tomorrow. I met him in town today & had to actually say "don't forget the card shop"...and he said "oh yeah".
Then he handed me £50 & said "that's for your birthday".
I know I sound totally ungrateful, but even if he'd got me something that cost £5/£10, but chose it himself & wrapped it up & gave it to me as a surprise on my birthday I would have been so thrilled. I am the easiest person to buy for because I'm ridiculously grateful for everything. There are some lovely bath sets in the local shop for under a fiver & I've bought some as gifts for people & I told him a couple of weeks ago that I'd be delighted if someone got me something like that for my birthday, they're do pretty. Handing me cash makes me feel like he's put no thought or effort in to it at all. I honestly don't care about the cost.
We have a 1 year old daughter & I had to say to him maybe 10 times that I'd love her to "make" me a card. Anyway, he never did. So I had to make my own birthday card with her this afternoon, writing "happy birthday mummy" on the front & letting her scribble on it. Why couldn't he do that with her & give it to me on my birthday? And no, he hasn't already done it. I know for a fact because I literally spend every minute with her. He could have taken her into the other room & told me they were making me a card, I'd have loved that. I even left some cardboard & crayons out & told him where they were!
I make a huge effort for his birthday, with cards & presents from our daughter & me, etc. I plan it for months.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm a stay at home mum & just feel a bit under appreciated I suppose, not very special.

Oh and happy birthday!

I've had all this for 25 years! I got nothing for my 50th. I have to tell him to take the children to town to buy cards, literally saying right 3pm you all get in the car and go to x shop, same at Christmas and mother's day - when the children are too young to go to town on their own I think its pure spite that H doesn't bother to drive them. For his birthdays etc I used to source deleted TV programmes on DVD or find a book he remembered from his childhood, but when I mentioned a book I wanted he just said well why don't you order it for yourself?

Thank you Mumteedum!
BurningBridges, I hear ya!

I decided this year to let the kids but me something when we were out (weds was by birthday). Went out the previous week and I saw a craft stall so said to DD 1 she could get me a surprise pressie and I have her £10 and said choose anything and she kept it a secret. Went to sainsburys and said to dd2 if she wanted to buy me something she could so her and dd1 (8&5) were by the jewellery (me stood by them but not looking what they were choosing) and let DD2 choose and they hid it in a gift box and when we paid they scanned it and bagged it first (along with cards they chose themselves) I paid for it all with the shopping but I loved seeing their faces choosing and trying to be sneaky. Got home and they wrapped it and I said have fun wrapping and let them go for it.
They were so excited and loved giving me the pressies on my birthday and they had chosen two lovely things too. It made it a really nice birthday knowing they chose them by themself and enjoyed doing it. DH did go and get cards and funnily enough chose the same one as DD1 chose for her to write to me. I ended up with loads if cards but 2 lovely gifts that I wouldn't have normally had from them.

I've been married 40 years. My husband forgot my birthday the first year we got married. I went out the next day and bought myself a beautiful diamond ring. At the dinner table that night I kept showing the ring and said "look at this lovely ring you got for my birthday" when I told him how much it cost I thought he was going to have a stroke right there and then. I told him it was fine forgetting, in future I'll just get what I want for myself. He's never missed getting a present for an occasion again :-)

I really feel sad for you that you have to 'remind' him to get you a card. That is quite a low. Yanbu, it's even worse if you have to tell him exactly what to get you, he should know by now. And just handing you the money . I think he definitely takes you for granted.

Jenwa, that's lovely! I can imagine how nice that would have been knowing that they chose you something & they were excited about it. I think I'll do that with my DD when she's older (if hubby hasn't got to grips with the birthday thing by then! We're married 5 years)
Suefla62, I like your style! I'm a SAHM so would just have to do it on a smaller, less expensive scale! :)

Suefla, I like your style:)

Op, he knows it means a lot to you- does he appreciate the effort you make on his birthday? I would stop making a fuss of him tbh.

The thing is, its good for the dc to see him making your day special. You make his- they will notice btw- and will you make excuses for him then? Mr perfect pants eh?

I'd stop bothering for his birthday. Don't care if that seems tit-for-tat. If you keep spoiling him on his birthday, it just reinforces that it's his due to get nice things but not yours. Makes it all seem OK when it's not.

And at the very, very, very least, he can get up with your DD on your birthday.

OK, I'm going to go against the grain and point to that you're moaning about your husband not getting anything for your birthday on Sunday on....err, Friday. Give him a chance.....

Ok, well I'll be sure to let you know what happens on Sunday then! :)

Umm, YANBU.

DP and I 'do' birthdays, which I understand some people don't.

I'd take him out for a lovely dinner or vice versa. How lovely depends on the pressie (cheapish pressie, Michelin starred restaurant; dear pressie, the local pub )

I actually think ours has got a bit transactional / tit for tat because we have a lot more money now than when we started out. I'd in some ways prefer to move away from the £400 pressie exchange to each of us holding it back and spending the money on ourselves or saving it up for something else.

I noticed how grateful you are constantly in your OP. Stop that today. Stop being grateful. If ever there was an invitation to others to not bother, that's it.

Stop making excuses and being grateful for shitty presents. DH is generally crap with presents buying because he puts no effort into it and it massively annoys me. Now if he gets me a shit present I let him know about it (forcefully) and go and get myself something for twice as much as he would have spent. Since I started instituting this policy two years ago his gift buying suddenly got a lot more thoughtful! We have been together 13 years and he should have a pretty good idea of what I might like. Plus I am a great present-buyer and the lack of reciprocity really enraged me.

• when I say "twice as much as he would have spent" I mean, twice as much as I think would have been a reasonable amount for him to spend.

You could be describing my DP. He dislikes birthdays intensely, he has managed to pick a fight every year the day before his birthday so he can sulk on the day. He sulks if I made DD a birthday cake, buy her presents etc. I come from a family where birthdays are a BIG occasion and are planned weeks beforehand, big family breakfast, flowers, presents, chocs, lunch out, family meal out. Cards from everyone including Auntie Edna you haven't seen in 30 years but she still sends a card because it's your birthday...

My 40th he bought me nothing. No card, flowers, chocs. He did make dinner but then picked a fight with my 13yo DD as she wanted to see the end of her TV program while he was in the kitchen and I didn't mind - he threw a hissy fit and the dinner went in the bin - so we (me and DD) walked to Mcdonalds and I went to the spare room when she went to bed and drank myself stupid!

I bought myself a pair of diamond earrings and he said "you should have asked me for them if I had known you would like a present"

This year, no card, no flowers. I had a nice breakfast as I have nagged him stupid that I like to be made a fuss of on my birthday, I asked to go out for the day as it was a beautiful day 3 weeks ago. I said "lets go to XX (a National Trust house about 20 miles from here) as I love old stately homes it is my idea of heaven to wander around them. He then drove me to one locally that was SHUT and I had told him that one is only open on Sundays in SUMMER and acted surprised they were shut (clue: he just didn't want to go)

I told him that I wanted a ME present, and having given it a lot of thought, that I wanted to learn the clarinet. Yes, I know I'm 45 but I love music, and used to play the violin, flute, piano and bugle when I was a teen... he looked into it and actually found out how much lessons were, where to get the clarinet from and then on the day when I was thinking "I'm going to get a birthday pressie" he said "wouldn't you prefer a keyboard so we could all have a go?"

Err - NO. I can play a piano albeit out of practice and don't want a keyboard. So my present hasn't happened. I got 5 cards - 3 from friends and 2 from family (huge family row 3 years ago so don't see or hear from most of my family - I have tried to build bridges but they keep burning them down again) DD wished happy birthday on facebook (she was at her dad's but cooked me a meal when she got back a week later) and nothing from DP.

Oddly enough for his 60th last year, he dropped hints about going to that huge model railway place in Germany - I ignored it and bought him nothing as he's done that to me for the last 7 years.

Childish, I know but I thought Why the F should I bother?

I think it's some sort of misguided protest to his ex as she was also one to love birthdays - NOTHING wrong in spoiling someone on their special day!

Hope you do get a nice pressie, and have a lovely day, OP!

Crap present-buying / thoughtlessness aside, he gave you money???

Why? Don't you have access to it anyway?

In an equal partnership, presents are absolutely about the thought. Since the money is equally yours, why would you need him to give it to you, it sounds horrible :(

I dont agree that your DP "should just know" what you want. Each year, people's needs and tastes change.

My DP and I have taken to setting up wish lists on Amazon if only to hint at the sorts of things we like. It is a practical solution.

No excuse for not buying you a card . Happy's for Sunday. I hope you have a nice update to give us!

Revenenge, are you still with him? He sounds horrific and abusive and your DD is being exposed to that. I'm shocked. He's supposed to be your nearest. It's not normal and you deserve better.

OP, yes Tea's message was great. All this passive aggressive stuff is awful - ie the singing happy birthday at 6am. Be direct, direct, direct.

Not just saying what you would like but the fact that it is shit not to treat you well. That's the upshot. As another poster said, it is good for the dcs to see their mother treated well and appreciated on her birthday.

If he still doesnt' do anything I would make exactly the same effort for his birthday as he does for yours. Though that is hardly a long term solution. Maybe you need a chat about general respect and romance in your relationship, if you feel it has reduced recently. Good luck.

I have just sat here reading this thread open-mouthed. This is absolutely crazy behaviour and you need to stop putting up with this shit. I feel incandescent on your behalves.

DH and I are prone to free and frank exchanges of views so maybe this wouldn't be everyone's approach but if he ignored my birthday or only put in such a piss poor level of effort I would put Russia and Ukraine to shame; WW3 would commence PDQ. Genuinely, my DH has been sent away for the night over much smaller offences, so I can guarantee he's be up Premier Inn over this.

It is rude, disrespectful and out-fucking-rageous that your nearest and dearest treat you like this, someone has 364 days to buy a card and present for an event which comes round at the same time every year and they still can't manage it. You can buy a card and present online in under an hour so if they've ever had time to play candy crush or watch football or spend all day at a sporting event then they've had time to sort stuff out for you. Thats presumably your joint money so the grand some of his effort is a cash withdrawal. Appalling.

This kind of behaviour cannot go on, I would make sure I had a good day Sunday and then Monday morning give him a 5am wake up outlining exactly what he has to achieve in the next 364 days. I would make sure he was clear on Christmas/Valentines/Mothers Day and Easter as well.

I recognise some people don't do birthdays and some people can't afford extravagant presents, but his efforts should be equal to yours. I think its ok to ask if you want something specific, but even then my DH knows a standard list of gifts I'm always happy to receive (favourite perfume/chocs/band/bath products or clothing size for pyjamas and underwear) and if he does get me something I request he will normally do little surprises in addition.

You can't complain next year if you don't say something now.

*grand sum of his effort.

As someone who really doesn't 'do' birthdays I find the borderline hysteria here a bit strange? To be honest some of you sound like self-obsessed spoiled children. "It is MY birthday and I WANT ...." stamps feet.

Your partner should know what to get you, dropping hints, going into a sulk, buying really expensive gifts for yourself to punish your DP..... It all seems rather passive aggressive and quite frankly pathetic.

Get a fucking grip. It is one day, there is nothing more special about it than the day before or the day after.

MamaPain, you are an awesome lady :)

However, I feel you may be shooting yourself in the foot within your Premier Inn based sanctions policy.

I can just picture him, tucked up with a takeaway, clothes strewn where he likes, flicking the channels, picking his nose and looking forward to sweet peace and privacy for a whole night and thinking yup, I married the right woman.

Next time, get yourself to the PI. Take chocolates.