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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have lied?

79 replies

Shatteredbaubles · 25/04/2014 21:02

I told dh a few weeks ago that I was having yesterday and today off, but he forgot, yesterday I went shopping, when I came home he was also home and asked if I'd been at work (coz I was wearing casual clothes) so I said yes, I can only think I did this because he gets a bit twitchy if I go shopping (we are not skint and both work full time but he hates any unnecessary spending or 'blowing' diesel to get there) so thats why I said I'd been at work. I know this was stupid. He has found out and clearly feels disappointed in me and is not speaking to me. I feel really crap as I know he's right but I really don't know what to say?

OP posts:
Brabra · 26/04/2014 04:54

Yeah, you're not sounding particularly strong. You keep saying but I was in the wrong. Do you realise how downtrodden that sounds?

Paq · 26/04/2014 07:18

You have enough money to buy an expensive car that needs a tracker and he whinges about diesel for a shopping trip??

Where's your holiday?

Sorry but he sounds awful. Listen to the MNers who have experience of abusive relationships.

You don't have to be a "big girl" and stand up to him, you could ditch him and find a nice person who loves and cherishes you and takes you shopping.

Does he know you post on MN?

newsecretidentity · 26/04/2014 07:47

OP, the thing is that he had already tracked you "to try and meet up" while you were out.

But knowing that you had been out somewhere near his work he still waited for you and asked the question "were you at work?" He knew you hadn't been!

The question was a trap. He had already decided to punish you for having the audacity to go out without his knowledge and the further transgression of having your phone off so that he couldn't ring you and control your behaviour by directing you to meet up.

It didn't matter whether you lied or not. He knew where you were and had already decided to punish you. And when he asked the question, your fight-or-flight instincts led you to lie rather than face the reaction. This gave him the excuse to punish you further.

Ask yourself: Do I want to be in a relationship where I feel that I have to lie about a perfectly normal shopping trip?

DaffodilsandTruffles · 26/04/2014 07:48

I'm afraid I would be getting access to the tracker and changing the password. The tracker is only there to be used if the car is stolen, it's not for tracking you. Why does he have access to the app rather than you?

I think I would grit my teeth and stand up to him about this. Apologise for lying but not for shopping. Buying clothes for a holiday is normal. Tracking your wife to check up on her is not.

I understand about wanting to keep the equilibrium in balance but in a healthy relationship that should be a mural thing not all one way. Do you 'freeze him out' when he has done something you don't like? Hmm?

He can only make you feel bad if you let him. You can breezily ignore all the freezing and sniping and put a big smile on and act as if you don't care. If you don't have dc I wouldn't spend my birthday with someone not speaking to me. at the least I'd take myself off to the cinema.
I might go a few interesting,confusing and intriguing places in the car first though

This might be ott but I think I'd also change my passwords to everything, prevent tracking on my phone and maybe check there wasn't a key stroke logger on my computer

newsecretidentity · 26/04/2014 08:00

Yes to Daffodils and Truffles advice.

My ex was similar in the end. Tracked where I was going, had a keystroke logger on the computer and read all my emails and online accounts.

DaffodilsandTruffles · 26/04/2014 08:07

Oh new Sad

comingintomyown · 26/04/2014 08:07

Happy Birthday !

I agree with newsecretidentity completely and thought the same as I read through the thread

Ok you can stand up for yourself but why spend your life second guessing what might annoy him or resign yourself to being sent to Coventry when you have fallen foul of his rules.

I think your DH is emotionally abusive , a term I didn't understand until coming on MN , I would start to read up on it . I wish I had the knowledge I do now when I was married and I might have been able to sort XH out or not have wasted years at the mercy of his behaviour.

IsSpringSprangedYet · 26/04/2014 08:10

I would say YABU to have lied, but I can see why you did. I'm 30 with my own family but still lie to my dad as I don't want him to be cross with me and shout (a childhood issue, I guess). I tend to say what it takes for a quiet life and because I'm a people pleaser. I wouldn't do this with DH as I remind myself he isn't my dad, he is my equal.

Sorry for going off track a bit, but just want you to know, it is easily done. But as others have said I would apologise for lying but explain it's perfectly acceptable and normal to go shopping for your holiday (or for whatever). You did tell him you were off. It's not your fault he forgot.

aquashiv · 26/04/2014 08:13

Oh dear Op this isn't normal AT ALL.

Have you any self esteem courses you could attend to understand why.

RandomMess · 26/04/2014 08:15

I hope you have a Happy Birthday!!

Perhaps you need to spell it out to him that you lie because you can't stand his controlling attitude towards you and how you have to justify everything you do, if he doesn't trust you then the relationship is going to die a death and is that want he wants?

Don't need to argue about it, just say it how it is and walk away and leave him to thinkg about it...

BrianButterfield · 26/04/2014 08:25

It sounds like you walk on eggshells tbh - look how you felt you had to justify going clothes shopping on here. I'm on ML, there's a certain amount of penny-watching going on - but if DH comes home and I say "I went clothes shopping today" or "I bought x toy for DS" he'll say "great!", not bang on about the cost of diesel (and our joint diesel bill per month is pretty high).

BrokenToeOuch · 26/04/2014 08:30

NewSecretIdentity too the words right out of my mouth in her post at 07:47. He was deliberately trying to catch you out so he could 'justifiably' change his behavior towards you. Nasty fucker.
Regardless of the reasons the tracker was installed, checking up on you is creepy and controlling.

Happy birthday, enjoy your day but please address this situation soon.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/04/2014 08:31

Hey OP - happy birthday for today.

I hate to drop a bombshell...but you do know that this tracker really isn't for the car is it? It's part of the control of YOU.

I sincerely hope that you manage to either put him in his place or work out how to get a more equal deal in this relationship. As this is abusive and stalkery...but you know that deep down, don't you?

Topaz25 · 26/04/2014 08:38

lucycoco Just because he bought the OP a car doesn't mean he owns her and has the right to track her movements. People have tracking devices on phones and things to find them if they are stolen, not to track their partner! If it was a woman tracking a man and telling him not to spend his own money I would still think that was controlling. It is unhealthy.

Topaz25 · 26/04/2014 08:45

The lie is indicative of an underlying problem. You shouldn't feel you have to lie to your husband to avoid an argument. He is being controlling. Not speaking to you is a form of control, as is tracking you. This is really not OK. You do not deserve this. There is no excuse for his behaviour. I would tell you to LTB but you don't need someone else telling you what to do. It is your decision. I just want you to know you do not have to put up with this behaviour, you deserve better and you do have options. You can contact Women's Aid for advice and support on 0808 2000 247
Email: [email protected]

Caitlin17 · 26/04/2014 08:59

Briansums it up succinctly "you are walking on eggshells" Eggshells are not a solid foundation for any relationship.

I take it you don't have children?Just think how much more opportunity to control you that would give him.

Poshsausage · 26/04/2014 09:10

I'd turn it around. :'sAy you lied as you wanted to see if he was tracking you unnecessarily !

Cheeky fucker

His excuse is bullshit

MamaMumra · 26/04/2014 09:45

Happy birthday shattered

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 26/04/2014 10:20

Happy birthday sweet.

Look, your living this. And words here can sound different in RL than written down. RL might not be quite so sinister sounding. I'm not suggesting LTB (yet) because there's a world of difference between a rocky patch and "sleeping with the enemy" (film).

But if something resonates, think about it a bit. Maybe ask more questions here.

Whatever you do, take care.

ilovesooty · 26/04/2014 10:48

This sounds eerily like someone I used to be friends with. However her birthday was at a different time of the year.

She wouldn't accept that her husband was abusive because "he can be really nice" / "I can handle him" / "he doesn't hitme" / "he buys me nice things"

She wouldn't leave him at the end of the day because she didn't want to sacrifice her very comfortable standard of living. She had a lovely car, holidays, nice clothes, hair cuts... but he controlled everything. She lied to him all the time about little things 'to stop him being cross "
I expect she's still with him. She used to get very annoyed with me for finding his behaviour abusive and saying so.

OP do you have friends? I hope you have a support network.

Misfitless · 26/04/2014 13:21

Shattered I think it's your birthday today. Hope you have a good one x

Waltonswatcher1 · 26/04/2014 13:36

Just plain weird . Thank god my hubby's boring and normal !

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 26/04/2014 14:16

Happy Birthday Shattered - really hope you're having a very lovely day Thanks

clam · 26/04/2014 14:42

What's with the "he bought her a car?"
In our house, WE buy a car out of OUR money.

And OP, no, you are not "in the wrong." Ask him flat out why he asked if you were at work when he knew damn well you weren't. Don't let him evade the question. Was he trying to catch you out? If so, that, right there is why you lied.

honestpointofview · 26/04/2014 22:28

Happy Birthday op.

Male point of view - wrong, wrong, wrong. Him not you. Using a tracker device. Only trackers that should be used are ones such as national rail or flightracker to make sure you pick your partner up on time. Not a car tracker to check what you are where you have been. If he says his worried when you phone is flat get him to get you an emergency charger. Maplin sell them.

Really sorry op but it is not right and you need to put a stop to his behaviour, now.

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