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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know what a baby shower is

72 replies

PickledLily · 25/04/2014 13:13

I've been invited to one. No idea what it is or what happens at one. What do I need to know?

Presumably I need to take a present - but what? I always thought it was considered bad luck to give presents for a baby before they are born.

Help!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2014 13:17

Just Google it

It's a strange idea whereupon you're expected to turn up with a gift to congratulate someone for having sex, that ended in conception.

Can you tell I hate them?

Trooperslane · 25/04/2014 13:18

I was under loads of pressure to have one.

I think they're really grabby. I hate them too.

mrsbucketxx · 25/04/2014 13:18

step one: lay baby in bath

step two : turn on shower

et voila baby shower

ACatCalledColin · 25/04/2014 13:20

What Worra said.

However I actually quite like them

Sallyingforth · 25/04/2014 13:38

It's a nasty, greedy, grabby excuse to demand get presents from people. You won't be surprised to learn that it came in from the US.
Just decline politely and do your bit to stop it spreading.

SirChenjin · 25/04/2014 13:45

It's a party disguised as 'a little get together before the baby arrives' - you're supposed to pitch up, bring a present (although you'll probably be told that no presents are expected - ignore that, you'll be the only one arriving empty handed), and play games which involve guessing the gender of the baby and so on. If you're really unlucky you'll be asked to pay to attend too.

specialsubject · 25/04/2014 13:45

I don't buy presents before the baby arrives, not because I believe in luck but because if the worst happens, the parents will have even more reminders.

Baby shower is an American custom. Like proms and other abominations.

I suggest that you have a subsequent engagement.

MummyBeerest · 25/04/2014 13:46

Ok...not British, not a baby shower enthusiast either.

But the vitriol against them on here is kind of insane.

I know when I had DD I didn't know what the hell I really needed, and did appreciate the support I got from friends and family as I was a nervous wreck before the birth.

However, I didn't have games and duckling decor. It was a garden party more than anything, and my aunts made a baby quilt out of my old clothes and blankets from when I was a baby.

It can be a nice thing. Honest!

Burren · 25/04/2014 13:50

It's a cute little dodge by the kind of people who also have engagement parties, hen weeks that involve long haul flights, pre-wedding parties, return from honeymoon parties, first anniversary parties, discover the baby's sex parties etc.

Only if you're unlucky the baby shower will also involve sniffing melted chocolate fake poo out of disposable nappies. It's a riot, I tell you.

SirChenjin · 25/04/2014 13:53

Nope, parties before the baby has arrived are pointless - and there is definitely an expectation to arrive with a present, regardless of what people claim. Just have the baby without making a song and dance about it, come home, and if people are really interested in you and your offspring they will pop round at a time that suits them with a packet of vests or whatever.

MummyBeerest · 25/04/2014 13:57

What kind of baby showers are you all going to???

Paying to get in? Sniffing poo?

You're doing it wrong, folks.

maras2 · 25/04/2014 13:57

Unfortunately if you invite grabby people or are that way inclined yourself , then it will be a nasty grabby affair . I hosted showers for both DD and DDIL just for family and very close friends , our family's huge so a good houseful. Everyone brought a plate or a bottle and the gifts were what would have been given anyway . It was a good excuse for a get together to swap gynae histories and a general gossip. Can't see what all the fuss is about.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/04/2014 13:57

Crikey. What a lot of harsh comments.

I think they are a general excuse to get together before the baby's born.

There is a certain amount of evidence, as I understand it, that women who have a strong community of friends around them are less likely to get PND. So they might be more than just 'grabby', I think!

(Don't really understand the 'grabby' bit anyway. Yes, I've had mates who had babies and I was skint so didn't buy them anything. But generally, IME, you do buy little gifts for your family/friends' babies, don't you?)

Sometimesbrunette · 25/04/2014 14:03

I went to one once that we had to prepay for a Chinese. She had 2 kids already (of the same gender) and wanted a shower because she 'didn't have one before'. Another was a surprise and she got loads of presents- no thank you notes either. Rude.

I think they are entitled and grabby. I'm 15 weeks gone and won't be having one.

Burren · 25/04/2014 14:04

LRD, in my experience, people almost always end up feeling they need to bring another present when they visit after the baby is born, so, in practice, showers do often end up doubling the gift per person ratio.

And I don't think it's anything at all to do with having a strong friendship group - showers are a very new introduction to this country, so I don't think you can extrapolate that the previous generation were friendless because showerless...?

SirChenjin · 25/04/2014 14:10

Totally agree Burren - the expectation is definitely there to bring 2 presents. Our custom of bringing a small gift after the baby is born jars completely with the idea that you bring a gift to the baby shower and then arrive empty handed when you visit the baby.

Lj8893 · 25/04/2014 14:11

I had a baby shower, it was lovely.

My family and some friends got together and had some tea and cake and had a nice afternoon.

There were no games and yes, there were presents but they were not expected whatsoever.

Original poster

PickledLily · 25/04/2014 14:11

Ok, I'm a bit clearer now, thank you! Mum-to-be is definitely NOT grabby, neither are the friends going, so i think it was just an excuse for a get together.

But what's the deal with the chocolate nappies, there was mention of it when they were arranging dates. am slightly scared

OP posts:

Burren · 25/04/2014 14:16

I think the chocolate nappies is an American shower game. You melt different kinds of chocolate bar into nappies so that it looks like baby shite, and identify them by sniffing. Or something. I've never had the pleasure personally.

Lanabelle · 25/04/2014 14:19

ah, at last, someone who doesnt want to go to one and someone who is vehemently opposed to having one!! Personally, at 6 months pregnant and whale size this is the last thing I want. They do seem really pretentious and assuming, however I do get the point that a woman who has a strong community of friends etc is less likely to experience PND but I would opt for a chocolate/ non alc wine night myself. Nothing says bonding to me like film, junkfood and talking rubbish with likeminded people. Wish people would stop telling me to have one or they want to throw me one I suppose I could ask the question is it unreasonable to not turn up to your own one that someone else organised?? haha

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/04/2014 14:21

burren - I didn't extrapolate that, though.

I just pointed out they might not be 'grabby' in origins, but more to do with a community recognizing that it's good to rally around mothers-to-be.

Of course some people are grabby and will adopt any trend they can possibly manage to try to get gifts. But it doesn't prove that this is an inherently grabby tradition and I think it's quite unpleasant to suggest it is. I doubt anyone would say so if it came from Japan or Sweden or wherever.

From what I've seen, both in RL and on MN, quite a lot of people don't actually want dozens of visitors when they have a newborn, so organising to see people just before the baby comes seems quite sensible to me.

marshmallowpies · 25/04/2014 14:23

Don't be too quick to condemn the mum for being the grabby one. I didn't especially want a baby shower, but I have a couple of American friends and they suggested a baby shower for my friend. I was pregnant too, a few months behind her, so they offered to do one for me too.

It really seemed rude and ungracious to say no, so we had one and it was a lovely afternoon, but if it had been down to me I would not have had it. I did ask people not to buy expensive presents, just equivalent of 'stocking filler' gifts was fine, but this request was not really listened to.

One thing, though: if you've bought a gift at the baby shower, nobody expects you to buy another present when the baby is born. That would just be too much!

Sometimesbrunette · 25/04/2014 14:46

The chocolate game sounds horrendous.

I'd find a baby shower quite awkward. It's all a bit saccharine for me. I'll be suggesting donations to child related charities if they insist.

meditrina · 25/04/2014 15:06

They're not really an excuse to have a get together before he baby is born. You'd just host a party or whatever if that's what you want.

They are specifically a shower which is short for "shower with gifts", so taking a present is obligatory (which it wouldn't be for a get together by any other name). That is why the honouree should never be the host (that's seriously grabby).

They are meant to mark a major rite of passage (traditionally, bridal shower for first wedding, and baby shower for first baby) where friends get together to give the things that were previously not needed in unmarried or pre-baby life. The form of the party can be whatever is likely to please the honouree - dreadfully cheesy games are not mandatory, and som eof the descriptions I've read on here sound utterly cringeworthy.

meditrina · 25/04/2014 15:08

I think mrsbucketxx's version is the better one

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