to not know what a baby shower is

[PickledLily]

I've been invited to one. No idea what it is or what happens at one. What do I need to know?

Presumably I need to take a present - but what? I always thought it was considered bad luck to give presents for a baby before they are born.

Help!

I'm American and hate them. Been to loads, always found it a bit counting your chickens before they hatch.

But Brits, you don't have them for second or subsequent children. You don't organise them yourself. You don't call it a get together.

BertieBotts we definitely didn't get a second present from anyone who had brought a gift to the baby shower, though one friend did bring us round dinner after the baby was born.

We had so many presents from other people who hadn't been at the shower after DD was born - family, DH's friends, etc, it wasn't like she was short of anything!

As I said before, I felt very awkward about having a baby shower and I would not have chosen to have one, but when friends offered to organise one, it felt rude and ungrateful to say no.

I have never been invited to one since then or known anyone else who had one, though.

Another suggestion about low-cost presents that are just as nice (in my view) - hand me down clothes are always useful if they are in good condition, and books.

A friend of mine noticed how many nice books DD had, and I said a lot of them had come from charity shops. She lives in a much posher area than me so has a less good range of charity shops - so I started looking out books for her DS.

They didn't cost much to start with, but my friend had less time and opportunity to go looking for them, so was glad to have them, and I was happy to spend the time looking as I would be going to the charity shops anyway, it was no extra work for me.

It's definitely a culture thing. I live in Germany and teach EFL. Before Christmas I was using an article in class about gift giving and buying and the Germans were totally perplexed when I explained that British people find it very rude to ask directly for a present. Everything has a gift list here - even children's birthday parties, if you walk into a toy shop, you'll see boxes with children's names on, and the gift list/registry will be saved with that shop so the child's friends can go to that shop and choose something off the list to buy their friend. It's just common sense to them - the recipient asks for what they want, providing a mixture of prices so that nobody feels obliged to spend too much if they don't want to, the giver doesn't have to think of something and can choose from what is on the list, the recipient ends up with something they want (and no duplicates) and the giver hasn't wasted their money. The US mindset seems closer to the German one in my experience - they're not shy to ask for what they want although they will do the British thing of saying "Oh don't worry you don't have to" even though it's expected.

I definitely prefer the British way as well. It's fun to choose a present for someone and finding something they like gives unexpected pleasure to both of you! Picking off a list removes a lot of that, I think. Though it might be useful if you don't really know/like the person that much and hence have no idea what to get them

Why can't a baby be in a big crowd until 8 weeks?
Immunizations. They could get sick and they're too little to fight off germs. It's not the crowds so much, it's being held and being so close to so many different germs all at once. It'd just be bad form not to let everyone that's giving a gift hold your baby.

Hmm.. You know, I've never really thought about gift registries until you guys started mentioning it. It's just something..we do? You don't have to get something on the registry, but if you're giving a gift in a certain price range anyway, wouldn't you want to give something the person would want or need? In the US registries are more for formal occasions (baby showers, weddings), but some of us have amazon wish lists for other gift holidays.

Honestly, it drives me up the wall when I ask someone what they want for a gift and they don't tell me. I hate the whole "I'll like whatever you get me, but I secretly want something, but I'm not going to tell you what that something is" game. Let me just get you something you'll honestly like or use. Please? My brother does it to me every birthday and Christmas to see what I'll come up with. His only clue is: Something interesting. He thinks it's funny.

Babies are not that hard to buy for - again, we seem to manage just fine in the UK without A List.

Gender reveal parties....?? Oh dear Lord

I've heard of gender reveal parties, never been to one though. its a white suburbia thing They're pretty new. Just like siblings day, I hope that doesn't really take off either.

We emigrated to the States at the end of December, and in the four months I've been here, I've been to five baby showers.

I must admit, I was reluctant to attend the first, because I'd heard bad things about them (i.e. grabby moms-to-be).

However, there I was living in an area of the US that I've never lived in before and don't have any family*, and a fellow school mom who I'd only met a couple of weeks before had invited me, so I could meet others there. She didn't have to think of me, but she did, so I realized I was being a bit of a cow when I was thinking about not going

(*My mom is American, so I spent some time living here in the past, and have family in other parts of the country).

I had a wonderful time, it wasn't grabby at all, and when I received the formal invitation it actually said, "strictly NO gifts, but if you would like, please make a donation to..." and went on to provide details of an Alzheimer's charity. And yes, I met some wonderful new people at the shower, which have grown in to new friendships.

The other four showers were those of women I befriended at that very shower, none of them were grabby either. One of them even said, she went to a very grabby baby shower once, so she made sure her's was nothing like that.

I'm expecting a fifth child in September, and said I wasn't going to have a baby shower, but I appear to have been left with no choice in the matter, as my wonderful new friends here are arranging one anyway.

So yeah, I have no problem with them, as long as they're not over the top or grabby. And as I said, for me personally, they've opened up some great new friendships.

I don't think we worry about babies and germs so much here :)

I think the idea of the registry is that you don't end up with 72 pairs of cute shoes and no hats or blankets. Plus they have practical things on like sterilisers, baby nail clippers, etc which someone might not think to buy as a present but might want to get something practical.

So what's a good gift for a baby shower (2nd baby)? You can't get much for £5 these days...

Nothing. No showers for 2nd babies unless you are a newbie in the US like Tess and never had one.

PickledLily - you can get a good teething ring/toy for £5. Baby manicure set, bath toys & soft rattle toy were other good gifts which I imagine cost less than £10.

Another thing to consider with all this gift buying palaver is if you also plan to have a christening or naming ceremony. DH was quite keen to have a naming ceremony as he thought it would be a nice thing to do, but the last thing I wanted was to put any more obligations on friends to feel they 'ought' to buy gifts, even if we said 'no gifts'.

But if you think you'd like to have an event like that, it's a good way to get out of having a baby shower if you don't want one, just say 'oh please don't worry, we are going to do a christening party in a few months, we want to make that the big celebration so I would rather not have a baby shower on top of that'. But bear in mind for that ceremony you'll be more likely to get keepsake gifts rather than useful presents.

Agree the registry is just meant to be helpful and is not formal or required. It's like, if you already wanted to get this particular adorable yellow dress with ducks on it for the baby then get it. But if you wanted to get a blanket but you aren't sure how the nursery has been decorated, you can check the registry for colors. Or if you turned up with a blanket that didn't match the nursery colors that would be lovely too. Princess is right, it's just something we do

I don't understand why something is an 'abomination' just because it's American. Why is it OK to be rude about American things just because they're American? FYI, I am not American. Baby showers work in the US because everyone knows the rules and the social norms surrounding them. Yes, they may not be appropriate in a British context but that's not the fault of Americans! It's more that Pinterest etc has exposed British people to American traditions, rather than Americans somehow trying to force Brits to use their traditions

Re christenings - lots of Americans are either from Christian denominations that don't baptise infants (eg Baptists) or are from religions that don't have an equivalent tradition for newborns where gifts are required. So it makes sense to have a secular gift-giving arrangement that all Americans regardless of origin can join in with. This is partly why Halloween took off so much in the US, by the way - modern Halloween is very much a secular celebration, and it was embraced because of that. It meant that everyone in a mostly-immigrant country could participate.

I do find it sad how American traditions are so often considered "vulgar" just because they're American. You wouldn't say the same about a French tradition or a Chinese one or a Venezuelan tradition even if it didn't "fit" with British cultural norms.

Baby showers are a waste of time and money.

Baby showers have got nothing to do with Pinterest! It's one of those things that has been picked up from other countries (although we tend to think of them as American) over the last 10 years or so, and then brought over here. However, we already have a long tradition of going to see the baby or new mum after the birth (that's anything from standing on the doorstep and saying hi, to passing something to the new dad, to a full on visit, and anything in between) and handing over a gift then. It's the imposition of a foreign custom which is seen as grabby in that a shower/party/whatever means showering with presents (big or small) which doesn't sit right with our long established custom of keeping things low key and giving a gift in private to the new parents if you wish.

It's 'vulgar' because it's an expectation of presents before the big event has actually happened, rather than it being vulgar because it's American.