to not know what a baby shower is

[PickledLily]

I've been invited to one. No idea what it is or what happens at one. What do I need to know?

Presumably I need to take a present - but what? I always thought it was considered bad luck to give presents for a baby before they are born.

Help!

Agh, busy weekend. Catching up...

They make more sense now knowing that it's 'supposed' to be instead of arriving after the birth when things are hectic and I always wondered why it was a 'shower' (visions of babies in water as someone said). I'll be asleep in the corner by 9pm anyway, so will hopefully miss all the games.

Shame it's so commercial, seems to just be another excuse by the card/gift industry to extract money from our pockets. Not that I'm cynical.

I've never had a baby shower but been to a few and actually really enjoyed them.

You take a present and in return get cake and wine.
Suits me fine as I was going to get them a present afterwards anyway but not be given any cake and wine in return!

in my experience, people almost always end up feeling they need to bring another present when they visit after the baby is born, so, in practice, showers do often end up doubling the gift per person ratio.

See, this is not expected at all in the US. One gift at the shower.

I am American so have been to many in my lifetime and hosted one. It is not perceived as grabby at all, but as a community of friends coming together to celebrate a birth. Also, I have never encountered the chocolate in the diaper thing.

But I understand if there is a cultural clash with British traditions. Your grabby is someone else's celebratory rite. Just as bifurcated wedding receptions and a cash bar at a wedding event would be considered the height of rudeness where I live.

Which is why so many of us hate them....and why, given the population size of the US v the UK, cash bars at weddings will never be something you have to put up with experience

This is where mumsnet differs from real life... In real life, people like hosting parties, and people like attending parties. Sometimes they choose to bring a gift and/or a card, sometimes not. If you are hosting a party, I don't think it is shocking if the people who attend choose to buy you a small gift. When I go to someone's house for dinner I will usually bring a bottle of wine or dessert to thank them for the meal and hospitality, so if I go round for afternoon drinks and cakes I don't feel aggrieved at buying a small present. Also, an invitation is optional, you can always decline if it isn't your thing.

I don't think it is at all "grabby"- would hosting your own birthday party or wedding be grabby? And what are you hoping to grab anyway- a few babygros and some bath smellies? You will probably spend a similar amount of money on the food and drink for the party, so I don't think anyone is hosting a baby shower/ party for the free gifts.

All the baby showers I've been to have been girly get-togethers with tea and cake (people usually bring a plate of food). Not tacky or grabby at all. Presents certainly aren't obligatory, and if they are bought at all it tends to be something for the mum-to-be herself rather than the baby, so nice hand creams, bubble bath, chocolates etc. I think it totally depends on the type of person running it whether it is tacky/grabby etc. Oh and they tend to be organised NOT by the mum to be herself, but by a close friend, who will probably host it too. Hope you enjoy it!

Nope - not different in RL at all, which is why these baby shower threads pop up all the time with so many people saying how much they dislike them.

What is different is that in RL people will groan inwardly, but will go anyway for fear of appearing churlish. They will then come onto MN and go AARRRGGGGHHHHHH.

The difference is the purpose. Taking presents to other parties is fine, and for birthdays may even be expected, but for a shower, uniquely, they are obligatory - you cannot take part in a 'showering with gifts' if you do ntbring a gift. If to do not want gifts, then it's not a shower and should not be called one

And that's a key differenc between the (non-grabby) US tradition where the bride or pregnant woman is never the honouree, and the half-cocked versions that are encountered here.

It's like the difference between the Hen Party and the Bridal Shower. The first can take many forms, with or without gifts. But the second absolutely requires a gift even if e actual party bit is much the same as for a Hen.

Most baby showers I have attended recently have been for men and women. At the one for my son and daughter-in-law, my son was given his own changing bag, which now that his daughters are no longer in diapers, he uses as a boat bag.

To some they are a shower of shite
To others an opportunity to shower gifts on the baby head

Hmmmm.... If I was that opposed to going, I'd just decline the invitation, saying I was busy. Personally I find them fun, and am happy to spend £5-10 on a present if I attend someone's party. I think they can be quite informal, similar to a group of female friends meeting for a birthday or another purpose, with any presents a small part of the day.

It would bother me if somebody suggested expensive presents- if they had a gift list for example, which I have heard of in some baby showers mentioned on Mumsnet- but I would just decline that invitation. Likewise I wouldn't enjoy attending the kind of shower I see in American films, where everyone sits in a circle and watches the mum-to-be open her presents one by one (feeling embarrassed if theirs isn't up to scratch), but I don't know anybody who would host this type of party!

My friend had one. It's the only one I've ever been to and when the invites went out you could hear the collective groan "oh god I don't have a decent reason not to go". So we all went. We took presents, we guessed the diameter of her waist avec bump, we tasted baby food (I refused), we ate afternoon tea, guessed the person from their baby photo etc etc.

I've had worse afternoons for sure, but I think the only people enjoying themselves were the mum-to-be and her mum, which is all that matters I suppose. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

I'll be smiling and nodding then next weekend at the first baby shower I've been to, for a friends second baby... I feel beholden to go and am planning to get a small gift but what worries me are we've been told there'll be games. I'm in if its drinking games but seeing as I'll be one of the only ones there not pregnant I guess it won't be....

LOL You guys. Chocolate diaper games? Stop taking stuff off mommyblogs and then blaming us for your bad parties

Here in the US, baby showers are just for everyone to get together hang out and give the mom a pep talk before the baby comes. It's also to get a little help getting baby supplies because you don't really know just how much you need for a baby until you have to start shopping for a baby. Then you realize you need things you didn't know you needed. It's also for family to welcome the baby into the family. You can't just have a baby shower afterwards because you can't show the baby off in large crowds until 8 weeks, and you kinda need to have the supplies all prepared before you come home with the baby. Afterwards is when you just drop by, see the baby and check in with the parents (no gifts, just well wishes).

Mine we had a co-ed shower where everyone hung out, ate lasagna and gave advice for mother and father to be.

I really enjoy them, but I am American. Usually there are adorable baby clothes and nice food and cake and you get to dress up

I have never had to do that chocolate diaper game though, for which I am grateful, that's disgusting.

Baby showers are a staple of the American workplace, too. It's one of the reasons that I have been to so many.

Sometimes they are charity benefits as well. I know of several where baby clothes and supplies were collected for the local domestic violence shelter.

Here in Canada they are the norm for a first baby. It is in poor taste to throw one for yourself, they are supposed to be a surprise, throw by friends and family. I too cringe at the uncouth girls who throw their own. They are missing the point.

And it is a lot about gifts. (which is why is it so tacky to throw one for yourself) Showered with attention and gifts and food is the main idea. I didn't have to buy any new outfits for 2 years thanks to all my cousins. (we are a large family and shower pro's and know to buy a variety of sizes, not all newborn or 3 months sizes)

Entitled and grabby, and I don't like the expectation that sits alongside. Sometimes you're asked to pay for food in advance too, or buy gift for a set amount. Im not interested at allo and have never been to any I've been invited to. I buy gifts when I want to, which tends to be once baby is born and I also offer my time ie help with housework, which is useful when there's a newborn.

It's also to get a little help getting baby supplies because you don't really know just how much you need for a baby until you have to start shopping for a baby. Then you realize you need things you didn't know you needed.

Gosh - how the rest of the world has managed up until now without baby showers I don't know. God Bless America!

But if it's about getting supplies you didn't realise you need for a first child what about having one for a second baby? That's why I'm a bit at going to one this weekend for a second child

I'm going to one soon that has a gift list. Was agog at the cheek of it but had already said I could go. I'm pretty sure it's going to be one with tacky games too. What fun.

It's definitely not about getting 2 presents - it's just that the cultures differ. In the US you don't bring a present when the baby is born. You probably would bring a casserole or something but not a present - presents are given at the baby shower.

In the UK of course it's considered unlucky to give presents before the baby is born so the expectation is to give them when the baby arrives. Hence people feel "wrong" not bringing a present when the baby is born. So if you've tried to do "the right thing" for both traditions then you end up doubling up. Pick one and don't feel bad about it! If you want to do a little thing at both then bring a gift at one and make some food for the family when the baby is born or make/bring some cakes to the baby shower.

In practical terms it actually makes more sense to give gifts in advance because then if you end up with a million newborn sleepsuits you can exchange some for the next few sizes up and spread them out. Rather than saying "Oh I'd better not buy too much, I'll wait and see what people bring" and ending up with no newborn clothes and only 0-3 month ones and a tiny baby who looks drowned in them! Or you buy newborn clothes but then get given so many, but you can't exchange because people have removed tags and you've already washed the ones you have. It's a shame to end up with little unworn outfits because you were too knackered to get to the shop.

Why can't a baby be in a big crowd until 8 weeks?

I managed quite well with the supplies I had bought before DD was born When I ran out we went and bought more.

I have some experience of the US version and it always seems to include a gift registry. While I can see that having friends round of an evening for silly games/drinking for those that can is more likely to be relaxing before the birth than after, and one gift would be the norm, I'm not a fan of obligatory gift lists At All.

I don't think I've been to a bridal shower, actually, but I've been to a kitchen party which is a similar African custom. It is an occasion where the bride's women friends give her gifts she may not have used before and may need advice on using. If you are black and from a further north country these gifts are usually kitchen focused though often with a heavy dose of metaphor (the kitchen is where it is held - that's the kind I've been to). However I was informed that if you are White and S. African it is still held in the kitchen but the gifts are bedroom focussed. I have no idea if this latter part is true!