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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be soooo tired and considering putting a stair gate on my toddlers bedroom door?

64 replies

betty10k · 25/04/2014 10:29

Pease can anyone give me some advice?

My son is 21 months - since he was 10 months old he has been a good sleeper - we've always had a bedtime routine, dinner, play, bath, milk and story, teeth then bed and i would just put him down to sleep cover him up say goodnight and leave the room. I know lucky me! He loves his bed and i would always say shall we go and find bear (his favourite toy) and he would be excited about going to bed. But not anymore....

But for the last 5 weeks he hasn't slept through - it's got progressively worse and in the last week he has started climbing out of his cot. I put him down to sleep, he doesn't want to go and he is instantly up and trying to climb out of the cot - the only way he will go to sleep is if we stay with him - this can take up to 45mins with him constantly looking up to make sure one of us is still there. Then everytime he wakes in the night 4-5 times he will climb out of his cot and come into our room and then we have to put him back and stay with him while he goes to sleep - this can take up to an hour! We can't leave him to cry as he will just climb out. I've bought a bed guard and will take the sides off of the cot tonight and use that - at least then he is less likely to hurt himself climbing out.

What do i do? We both work full time and are shattered. I've been careful up until now not to create any bad sleep associations and he has always been able to settle himself to sleep but now can't. If we keep staying in the room he will always want that? But we can't leave the room now as he can get out. Do i get a gate for his bedroom door or is that evil? I'm not sure i can do it but wondered if anyone had?

I know he is a toddler and this is all probably normal but any advice would be great?

Thank you!

OP posts:

Fairylea · 25/04/2014 10:33

There's nothing wrong with a stair gate across the door - we did this with both of ours meaning we could hear them if they shouted for us but they couldn't get round the other rooms and into danger. However it won't solve the problem of him waking / wanting you / calling for you etc. Unfortunately I think perseverance is key - make waking up as boring as possible for him, don't say anything, don't make eye contact just put him back to bed, kiss and walk out and repeat. Even if it's 199000 times the first night it will gradually get less and less (went through this with dd now aged 11).

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/04/2014 10:33

I'm not sure why you would even think its evil to use a stair gate on a bedroom door for an age appropriate child.

But using one won't stop the waking up and yelling

Fairylea · 25/04/2014 10:34

(I know you said he's crying when you leave, just go back and resettle and kiss say goodnight (not anything else) and leave again ...and so on).

Original poster

betty10k · 25/04/2014 10:41

I know it won't stop the waking up and yelling to start with but i hoped it might make him realise it's not worth getting out of bed? and also keep him safe. and help him self settle again? Saying that he has toys in his room so perhaps he would just get out of bed and play with them?
Going to persevere with the going back in and resettling for a while longer but i don't even get as far as the door before he is out of his cot. So as it's so quick we've ended up staying in the room with him.

Sorry 1st time mum and wasn't sure whether the stair gate was an acceptable thing to do or not.

OP posts:

EatDessertFirst · 25/04/2014 10:42

What Fairylea said is exactly right. Return to bed, kiss goodnight and walk out. Repeat. Properly boring.

Just to reiterate, a stairgate across a bedroom door is not evil. We used one after DD went into a bed at 18 months (we needed the cot for DS) as she began sleepwalking at about 21 months. When fully awake she could easily open her gate. It only came down about a year ago when her sleepwalking stopped at about 4 yo.

sausagesandplantsandgoldfish · 25/04/2014 10:52

watching with interest - my 20 month old is getting to a similar stage and I'm considering taking the sides off his cot...

Betty - will you keep us posted?

Good luck!

crazykat · 25/04/2014 10:52

We had similar with dd1 when we finally got our own place. She was used to being in our room with younger ds1.

The only thing that worked was takin her back every time.

She'd have her normal bed time routine. First time she got up I'd say 'bed time sweetie' and put her back.

Second time I'd just say 'bed time now' and put her back in bed

Every time after that I wouldn't say anything or make eye contact, just put her back in bed.

The first night it seemed like a thousand times she'd be up but I was very surprised how quickly it worked, about a week to ten days iirc. Luckily she slept through but if she'd woken in the night I'd have followed the same routine.

I also had a gate on her door as she was still in nappies and we have awkward stairs that we can't have a gate on so it was dangerous. The gate was closed at bedtime but she could still call for us if she needed to.

crazykat · 25/04/2014 10:56

Does your ds have a night light? I found that mine all settled better once we got a night light for their room. We have one that attaches to the ceiling light fitting and the normal bulb attaches to the night light. It's controlled by the light switch and is brilliant as it lights the room just enough to see rather than just the area around the plug socket IYSWIM.

Original poster

betty10k · 25/04/2014 11:01

Yes we have a night light for him. I honestly don't know what has caused this massive change in him apart from thinking that perhaps it's his age as he is generally more stubborn at the moment!

Am frantically searching online to see who will deliver me a stair gate tomorrow!

OP posts:

heraldgerald · 25/04/2014 11:02

You do whatever you need to do to get by. Stair gate is fine.

mummymeister · 25/04/2014 11:05

You will need to try a variety of different things and give each one a proper go to see what works best for you and your toddler. it might be that they do not need as much sleep as they did. would definitely put a stair gate across the door but mine did climb over these pretty quickly (using toy box, pile of teddies anything they could get their hands on) but it is a good way of saying "this is your room, please stay in it". I am a great believer in controlled crying. settle and leave as boring as you can. do it for a week at least and they will get the message. Also you might consider moving from a cot to a cot bed with no sides. some kids do climb out of cots just because they can and if you take that away they stop being so difficult at night. good luck and stick with it.

mummymeister · 25/04/2014 11:06

Op - wow he is nearly 2 and become stubborn. who would have thought it!!

Original poster

betty10k · 25/04/2014 11:08

I know i think he gets his stubborn streak from me!

Stair gate purchased - arriving tomorrow. He is going to be very annoyed with me.

I can see him piling things up to go over it - can i just put the stair gate higher? -or will he then go under it - will ask husband later!

OP posts:

Original poster

betty10k · 25/04/2014 11:09

ps i did a bit of controlled crying at 6 months - worked a treat and this is the 1st time we've had problems since. But i can't do it now he isn't captive!?

OP posts:

sausagesandplantsandgoldfish · 25/04/2014 11:12

yes, how does that work? Controlled crying when the toddler is not enclosed in a cot??

TheScience · 25/04/2014 11:16

You can do rapid return - just take him back to bed with no fuss every time he gets out. First time you can say night night, back to bed, see you in the morning or whatever. Second time, back to bed. After that just keep returning him. I would do it before you put the stairgate up though and just sit outside his room so you aren't clambering over the stair gate every time.

sausagesandplantsandgoldfish · 25/04/2014 11:18

TheScience - thank you, that makes sense although sounds bloody tiring!
hopefully I will manage a few more weeks of him in the cot...

HolgerDanske · 25/04/2014 11:19

It's honestly only going to take a few days. Follow what others have said. No talking, back to bed, quick kiss. If you reward him with extra attention it will condition him to make as much fuss as possible for as long as possible as Manu times as possible in order to see more of you.

Good luck tomorrow

softlysoftly · 25/04/2014 11:26

DD2 is 22 months in a bed with a stairgate across her door to keep her safe from wandering. It's not cruel it's safety.

I would definitely take cot sides off and remove anything they can use to try and climb including piles of toys otherwise he could hurt himself and you wouldnt know. Learnt tjis the hard way as DD2 created an obstacle course to scale to the top of her changing unit and leap off

It won't stop the crying or waking though. DD2 still wakes numerous times. I could and have returned her again and again and again.

Then got bored of the exhaustion and let her sleep in our bed from about 3am. Blissful sleep!

agirlwithwings · 25/04/2014 11:32

Agree with the advice about just taking him back to bed every time. Have never tried to a gate.

You could try removing the nightlight from his bedroom and providing some other, fainter, light source from outside the room, but which still gives illumination, IYSWIM. The nighlight may be keeping him awake. Alternatively, you could try no light at all.

wonderingsoul · 25/04/2014 11:34

i would take the sides down/ get a "big boys bed" its afer and may make him stay in it.

also yy to stair gate, though mine was climbing over thouse just before thier 2 birthday.

its horrid when they throw a good routine up in the air, both of mine where good sleepers till they leaernt to get out of the cot at 15-16 months.

but keep puting them back was the only thing that really worked for us.

LongTailedTit · 25/04/2014 11:38

You could try a GroClock? Some younger children do understand and get on with them, tho we got one for DS at 2.9. DS knows he's supposed to stay in bed while Mr Star is in the clock and can get up and come in to me when Mr Sun is in the clock. It's not foolproof tho...

LongTailedTit · 25/04/2014 11:40

And yes, we have a stairgate on DSs door, which stays closed til we both go to bed and can close the gate on the stairs.

SarcyMare · 25/04/2014 11:43

i would take the side of the cot as well, climbing out always scared me.
And you can do controlled crying, you just have to accept the child will be crying next to the stairgate on their bedroom door, not in their cot.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 25/04/2014 11:46

I have seen both of my older two children, aged 19 and 22 months respectively, climb a stairgate on their bedroom doors, (standard mothercare gate) and land on the other side of it. The fury and determination in their eyes was frightening. I would not have believed it if I had not actually seen it happen.

Putting your DS in a bed is quite a reasonable idea, all of mine have had a bed before the age of two. Stairgate at the top of the stairs tho, obviously.

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