Snubbed at a wedding on the other side of the world

[NorthLDNgal]

My partner was the best man for a wedding in Australia so we made the journey from the UK to Aus for the event, sandwiching it between our own holiday there. As it's a lot of money we wanted to make the most of the 3 weeks we were there.

When it came to the wedding day, I found out that I was to be seated at the back of the reception room, with a table of football blokes and a couple that I barely knew. The groom's mother noticed that I was at the back and told my partner. He asked the groom and his bride why I had been seated there when other friends in our group were seated in the front close to the bridal table, and he was told not to bring it up now and "Can she stand?"

He felt terrible about having to do his best man speech although I had tried to tell him I was ok. I moved to the table where our friends were seated so I could watch his speech and it cheered him up that he could see me. I had helped him rehearse the speech in the days before.

I eventually got an apology from the groom but nothing from the bridesmaid who put the seating plan together.

Is it unreasonable to feel snubbed having flown all that way? Some people have said the bride must not like me, but I find that strange since she has only met me once. Others have said not to take it personally as it's tough to know where to seat people at a wedding.

It left a pretty sour taste in our mouths but I suppose you have to let these things go.

A bit OTT to think you should get an apology from the brides as well as the groom.
Yes, she did the plan, but it was their wedding. He's equally responsible for the plan, and his apology represents them both, surely. Especially as he's the one that your husband knows.

Who really cares where the hell they're sat at a wedding?! Does it really matter as long as you're there?!

I doubt it was a deliberate snubbing.

Does it matter so much? You're not likely to be seeing much of them if they live in Australia.

As a partner of someone in the wedding party you're a bit stuck on your own, with, I expect, mostly couples filling the tables so this is where there was space without splitting up a couple?

And as said, someone has to be at the back.

To summarise, it's not really worth turning it into a Montague/Capulet scenario.

YANBU.

Just reading this thread has brought back really bad memories for me of a very dark time in my life as a newly single mum, living quite miserably on my own and having little adult company.

I was delighted to be going to a family wedding where I knew so many people and was so confident I'd have a lovely time catching up and having a laugh with siblings & their spouses, cousins etc. It cost a bundle as well in babysitting and hotel fees.

Going into dinner, I see the seating chart, and I was at a table where I didn't know anyone, so as I got to my marrying relatives mother and father in the receiving line, I asked if I could move to table where I knew everyone and there was a space as one person listed on the chart had cancelled at the last minute.

They said no, as the waiters had already taken away his space, and that it was only dinner. I resign myself to enjoying chat after the dinner, but...

I was sat at the table for all the old people - all between 70 and 95, where I only knew my great-aunt (I was 30). The highlights of the conversation as I recall was flower arranging and the weather of the various places they went on holiday. This wasn't the worst bit.

The sit down portion of the evening went on for 3 hours and I had the whole of that time to stew in my misery, wondering what I had done to be so punished by my own family members, and feeling the sympathy of my siblings who could see my situation. By the time people started moving, they all rushed up to the dance floor, and as I didn't have anyone to dance with, I was a complete wallflower.

My face was probably like absolute putty, so not surprisingly no one asked me to dance, and I ended up spending a couple of hours skulking around the fancy hotel grounds, and hiding in the bathroom, making an occasional appearance here and there so people wouldn't see me as needy.

I had a complete breakdown after that experience, and actually went to the GP for ADs the next week, as I was so tormented. (They didn't actually have any effect on my mood, so stopped soon after). This was a number of years ago, and whenever either of the marrying couple is mentioned, or I see them, I think about it, not deliberately but automatically.

I remember a couple of weeks before the wedding, the mother and sibling of my marrying relative was discussing the seating chart and that they were helping with it, and I asked laughingly if they could make sure I was with people I know. They assured me I would be.

The feelings I had/have irrationally included anger towards my whole family - surely one of them could have seen how awful it would be for me and just have rescued me?

Sorry for the long essay. I'm in a good place now and life has completely turned around, but there is always this awful residual feeling that will probably never leave me that the 'marrying relative's' immediate family didn't bother to consider me (even though I love seeing them and get on very well with them) just so some waiters didn't have to be inconvenienced by moving a seat around. I've never been able to talk to them about it and for my own sanity have had to forgive them, but I'll never forget the black cloud I was under.

Excuse typos, and I'm sorry that all sounds so depressing. I do love my extended family and don't hold it against them at all. Luckily I'm in a good place. When I remarried, you can bet I put a LOT of thought into the seating chart.....

In the nicest possible way, I think you just have to chalk it up to experience.

Most of the bridal etiquette guides advise you to mix people up in the seating plans. I actually raised eyebrows at my wedding by just seating people with those that they already knew - but, as far as I know, everyone was happy.

They had tried to seat you with the couple that you had planned to be staying with and other people of a similar age - I am not sure what more they could have done. I also think that the MIL was wrong to raise it with the groom - the last thing the bride and groom should be troubled about on the day of the wedding is any of the practical arrangements!

That's a point about the groom's mother; if you were at the dunce's table in the corner, op, and the mother was presumably at the top table herself, how did she "notice"?
Or was her attention drawn to it by you someone else?
Why would she take umbrage on your behalf that you were allocated a table considered suitable for some of the groomsmen, whom she may well have known better than she knows you, and who are almost certainly more "important" (iykwim) to the groom?

Some of the best weddings I've been to I've been on mixed tables and I'm a natural introvert.

And yes, perhaps it is controlling.

I had 6 tables with 10 people on. Not everyone knew everyone else.

So do I put my four friends and their husbands all together on one table with a random couple they don't know making them feel obliged to include them and the random couple feel excluded for not being part of the gang or do I split people up so everyone is more relaxed?

Do I sit all the family, who of course all know each other, together on one table, even though some of them can't bloody stand each other, or do I mix them up?

If people can't make an effort to be sociable at someone else's wedding then perhaps they should just decline the invite in the first place.

OP's experience, I'd have expected her to be closer to her DP, but after further updates from her sounds like the bride was trying her best.

You will never make everyone happy!

Meh, it's a few hours out of your life. I don't see the huge deal, to be honest.

You can't please everyone & I am just pleased that I got married 20yrs when you didn't have to worry about upsetting people, because they just wanted to share in your happiness, not snipe about food/wedding lists/seating/music/dresses etc. and were just happy to be considered special enough to get an invite!

~The problem is wedding meals can go on for hours, I'm good at small talk and like meeting new people but by the time the starters have been taken away I've often found myself struggling, knowing there are two more courses to go. Keep it snappy, brides!

I hate this mixing people up thing. We spent ages over our table plans. We did have to split a few groups of friends in half as the tables weren't big enough but that was it. I would never split couples up.

I hate forced small talk. Let me sit with my friends who I probably haven't seen for ages and catch up.

pettybetty that sounds absolutely miserable! I was pleased to get to the end and read that life is better for you now.

Thanks for all the comments.

I guess it runs a bit deeper. We were a bit disappointed in how we were treated as a whole. When we had to stay in the campsite, the groom (DP's best friend) wasn't concerned. Even the night of the wedding we slept in our campervan outside the bride and groom's empty house. It was up to us to make our own arrangements but a small bit of concern about our welfare would not have gone amiss. But I suppose if you're getting married 95% of your brain is taken up with the wedding and little else.

I know that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me getting married and I knew DP's best friend was coming from the other side of the world with his wife for it, I would make a lot of effort to make sure they were comfortable and happy.

I guess it's taught us a lot about friendship and what it means.

To clear a few things up, the brides' MiL noticed me as she walked in to the reception room as part of the bridal party and told my DP that I was sitting at the back. How she saw I don't know, but she did. I didn't ask to be re-seated and thought that would be a bit much myself. I think just after the time we'd already had with the marrying couple this was just another let down and we were both feeling pretty dejected.

Agree also that it's just one experience and will not dwell on it.

PettyBetty - your experience sounds miserable - much harder to deal with when it's your own flesh and blood. Glad to hear that things worked out well for you.

Your husband felt 'terrible' for having to give his speech with you sat at the back of the room? You and he are both bu. The bride sat you with the people you were supposed to be staying with, what more did you want. And do people really rank tables? We (apparently controversially) mixed our tables up on the basis of who we thought would really get on together. The closest tables were allocated to older relatives and friends who's hearing might not be as good and that was it.

As for your husband asking for you to be moved after everyone had sat down? That would have gotten very short shrift from me. At my sil's recent wedding she and I had to make last minute changes to the seating plan because her father had broken his neck and he and his wife could no longer make it. Making those changes to a well thought out plan was stressful enough 2 hours before the ceremony. Doing when the meal had started would have been impossible.

Haha! I've just seen, he's not your husband. That makes it all a bit clearer. Sort out a seating plan yourself, and think how much you'd appreciate someone complaining about it during the meal.

Gubbins - my DP told me after the event that he felt down before having to do his speech because he was disappointed that I was at the back of the room where I wouldn't see or hear anything. He took as disrespect. He did not ask for me to be moved he just asked he groom the question as to why I was all the way at the back when some of our friends were very close to the front (including a single person). As mentioned in my post above, this was just another disappointment after others whilst we were with them for the week of the wedding.

Having read some of the comments I believe the bride was not being intentionally rude. I do know that if I had done the same thing to her I would never hear the end of it and there would be a lot more fuss made about it.

I didn't ask to be re seated and thought that would be a bit much myself. It was a bit much, so it's a pity your DH had no such qualms, really.
Why was it so important to him that you had a front row seat for his "performance", anyway? It was a speech for the happy couple and the wedding party in general; he wasn't serenading you
I notice you've now moved on from the unsuitable seating arrangements to the couple's failure to offer you the run of their home on their wedding night, even though they thought you were staying with other friends...
You really need to accept that you and your dp were not the star turn of the day, and nobody actually set out to make you feel insignificant, they just had more on their minds.

FlogginMolly - Thanks for your charming response. Me nor my DP expected to be stars of the show. When you've spent thousands to travel to the other side of the world to be at a wedding (I suppose we should feel grateful for being invited) it would be nice to get a little bit of respect. I know someone has to sit at the back, but why does it have to be someone who's from the other side of the world.

By the wedding day they knew we were in campsites due to the other couple having a full house and going through relationship problems. It was down to us to sort ourselves out, which we did.

If you had your own camper van, I am sure that everybody thought that you were provided for...why on earth would you expect to be let in to someone else's house, let alone the bride and groom's? Oh no, they should delay setting out on their honeymoon in order to let you in and show you how the oven works etc.?..

I think that your DH was v unreasonable in mentioning your seating position to the groom just before the speeches. What on earth was he thinking?! As for moaning about 'respect'....give over.

On my wedding day, during the meal, i was thinking about:

My new husband
The joy of seeing all my family and friends together
The emotion of the occasion
Making a lifelong commitment to the person I loved

If someone had tried to talk to me about where their partner was sitting I would have probably scarcely been able to comprehend them, let alone give them any useful response.

I now think you were both being VU.

BranchingOut - use of a shower, toilet...?
We drove to a toilet by a beach so we could use it in the morning.

As mentioned in earlier posts, they didn't give a about us the whole time we were there. I would never treat people the way we were treated - like poor relations. It was obvious that my DP and the groom's friendship had changed. Not once did the groom ask about my DP's life, even during the stag where they spent 3 days on a houseboat, another expensive thing. DP lost his dad last year - no question as to how he was or about his family.

My DP felt pretty low about things and the seating was the last straw, if you will. I didn't want him to bring up with the groom but he I can't control what he says/does. We enjoyed the reception once the dinner was out of the way and nothing more was said.

It is clear now that the venue messed up and not them but when you're in that situation sitting at a table with people you don't know with no ushers it can be a bit upsetting. Perhaps I am over-sensitive but I can't help the way it made me feel.

It's clear now that the venue messed up?! Clear since when?

I have no idea who at my wedding could hear the speeches and who couldn't.

We tried to put appropriate people together and I can see that putting you with your planned hosts made sense.

I know my BIL, bless him, got served meat instead of veggie and just ate the vegetables rather than saying anything.

It doesn't sound like they treated you well in the run up, which is probably the real issue, and is fair enough to be pissed off about.

Apart from all the stuff everyone's already pointed out about seating plans, an area where you seem to be on a different wavelength from me, is this idea that you should be treated specially "as you've come from the other side of the world". You seem to be implying that you are somehow doing the bride and groom a great favour. In reality, your dp's friend invited him, and you then made the decision to take the opportunity of a lifetime to have a fantastic 3 week holiday, combined with this wedding. You weren't doing anyone a favour by being there, you were treating yourselves to what should have been a fantastic holiday of a lifetime, spurred on by the fact that if you went now, you would be at your dp's friend's wedding. It wasn't like you were surrounded by people whose language you didn't speak or anything - Australia isn't that different from the UK.