Snubbed at a wedding on the other side of the world

[NorthLDNgal]

My partner was the best man for a wedding in Australia so we made the journey from the UK to Aus for the event, sandwiching it between our own holiday there. As it's a lot of money we wanted to make the most of the 3 weeks we were there.

When it came to the wedding day, I found out that I was to be seated at the back of the reception room, with a table of football blokes and a couple that I barely knew. The groom's mother noticed that I was at the back and told my partner. He asked the groom and his bride why I had been seated there when other friends in our group were seated in the front close to the bridal table, and he was told not to bring it up now and "Can she stand?"

He felt terrible about having to do his best man speech although I had tried to tell him I was ok. I moved to the table where our friends were seated so I could watch his speech and it cheered him up that he could see me. I had helped him rehearse the speech in the days before.

I eventually got an apology from the groom but nothing from the bridesmaid who put the seating plan together.

Is it unreasonable to feel snubbed having flown all that way? Some people have said the bride must not like me, but I find that strange since she has only met me once. Others have said not to take it personally as it's tough to know where to seat people at a wedding.

It left a pretty sour taste in our mouths but I suppose you have to let these things go.

@Catsize I didn't raise it. The groom's mother noticed and told my DP - the best man. He came over to speak to me and I tried to keep a smile on my face so that he wouldn't get unnerved before his speech. It was his decision to ask the groom about it. He kept his cool and didn't cause a fuss - it was a simple question "Why is she sitting where she can't see/hear anything" and he got a bit of a terse response. Which is fine as it's all about the bride and groom at that point.

When you spend thousands of pounds to be at someone's wedding it would be nice to just get a bit of respect, even if the bride and groom spend x amount per head.

You are right life is too short. I just posted it on here to see if I was being unreasonable. I clearly am.

I can categorically state that the groom and I do not have history.

I would hate a wedding where I was forced to make polite conversation with strangers if there were friends there too. It would feel a bit like a work training course!
We had a long table in front of the top table where all our close friends sat, including the best mans wife who knew everyone on that table. We put parents friends and distant relatives further away, our rationale was that we wanted to be able to talk to our friends whom we didn't see that often. parents friends and relatives were also on tables with people they knew well.
Surely most people make an effort to sit with people they know well especially if, like the OP, they're effectively on their own.

I do feel sorry for you, but......surely it's reasonable for her closest friends to be at the top table and nearest? From her point of view she doesn't know you, so she invited you as a courtesy to your dh, which is a nice thing to do, and probably had to not invite someone closer to her because of this.
I wouldn't take this to heart.

So one if the groomsmen and his partner was on the same table? . I don't get your point "I wouldn't put the best man's dp at the back of the room". If it's good enough for the groomsmen...
Why would being the partner of the best man confer special status on you?
I don't think you were snubbed in any form at all.

wouldn't take it too personally, she was just thoughtless, not a deliberate snub imvho

Zucker
We got in trouble for this at our wedding.
A group of 12 from work. Tables of 10. Should we have put 10 on one table, and dumped 2 somewhere else? Or mixed a group of 6 with a group of 4 who all knew each other, and the other group of 6 with 2 couples who were going to know no-one? We did no 2, and it didn't go down too well with one friend til she did her table plans 6 months later. Then I got an apology, she understood exactly what we'd done.

Equally, I have ended up as nos 11 and 12 on a table full of people who knew each other already. That was pretty dire as they were all chatting about people we didn't know.

Sometime splitting up adults for the sake of a couple of hrs of dinner, in a situation allows free circulation before and after dinner is the best ON AVERAGE for all the guests.

IMO, Partners of those at top table should be at a good table, because they are on their own. And as a point of respect to their partners in the wedding party.
It does sound a little better after your subsequent post. It was expected that you know the couple, so you were not intentionally put at a table where you knew nobody.

The closest friends near the bridal party table were the groom's closest friends and their partners. I was the best man's partner. I do not assume that I should be given special attention, but seeing as the best man is supposedly the groom's best friend and I am his DP it would have been nice to be with people I know.

And I wasn't the best man's date - I've been with him for a number of years.

Thanks for everyone's comments - it's helpful to see both sides of the argument.

I'd be surprised if this was in any way intended as a snub - unless there is a whole load of other stuff that would make you think so.

DP was best man at a friend's wedding, and I was just on a table somewhere in the middle of the room, with a fairly random selection of people, because I only knew the bride and groom and a couple of other people, so there wasn't any particular 'group' to put me in. I can't say it ever occurred to me that I needed to be somewhere where I could particularly hear DP's speech. It wasn't like he was making a speech about me!

It sounds as though they just put you with a couple of people they expected you to know, since you were supposed to be staying with them - seems perfectly logical.

They may also not have given any sort of instructions regarding placement of tables, beyond making sure that very close family and friends were front centre. The arrangement of the other tables may well have been down to staff at the venue.

I'd be highly surprised if this was some specially arranged "snub table", as opposed to just being a table, like any other one - just not one of the ones designated for 'special' guests.

But from what you said about 20 posts ago, you were seated with the people you were going to be staying with. It's hardly the bride's fault that you changed those arrangements at the last minute and therefore didn't know them as well as you might, is it?

I agree with BackforGood. The groom probably thought he'd done entirely the right thing by making sure you were with the people you were staying with, and was probably a bit surprised to be challenged about it in the middle of the reception!

I'd imagine he was terse because he was thinking "Er..and?"

It sounds to me like thoughtlessness rather than a deliberate attempt to snub you. The bride doesn't know you very well, shoved you on a table and hoped for the best. I doubt she gave you a second thought. I'm not saying this is right but I don't think she deliberately set out to hurt you.

I went to my brothers wedding last week and at the meal all the other siblings of the bride and groom were seated together with their children on one table while I was sat at the other end of the room with family members of the bride who I'd never met before. initially I was upset about it, and I think I had a right to be, but as the food was served and the people I was sitting with started insisting on holding the baby so I could eat my meal I realised that sometimes people you know aren't the best people to spend time with

Its the first warm meal I've eaten in four months and I got an invite to stay with them next time we're in the area

I think that seating you with the couple 'you barely knew' was probably fine in their mind, given you had planned on staying with them (not exactly clear from your OP).
Also, when I said I thought you were wrong for raising it at the wedding, I meant you as a couple rather than you personally, but agree it wasn't clear.
At least the wedding didn't have a rule that OHs could only come if married or engaged.
Now we have more info, sorry OP, definitely unreasonable.

I can sympathise OP. Its bad manners when you made the effort to travel so far and spend so much money to be treated like a hanger on.

Last year my DH and I went to Australia for a family wedding and even that our DD was flower girl we were told she had to leave straight after the ceremony. We didn't know anyone else in Australia so I flew the whole way there with a 2yo to go to a 20 minute ceremony and leave with her after as children weren't at the reception. I could understand their local friends not bronging children but we were the only ones who flew from the UK with a child.

It leaves a bad taste but try to npt let it annoy you and cerish the nice holiday memories.

I think it probably felt a bit awful for you .

At ours we made sure the Best Man's wife was with people she had known for years and a lively bunch near the top table. We ran her table list by her before the day. She had a ball.

However the bride messed up. She probably tried - but failed.

TBH now though I think you would be better to just move on. Forget about it. It was a bummer. Dwelling on it will not help.

Well, if there was a part of the room where people couldn't see/hear then someone had to sit there! However, no-one would intentionally have that situation at their wedding so I suspect the venue were at fault there, rather than the bride and groom.

I'm sure the bride also thought that she was doing the right thing by seating you with the couple with whom you were supposedly staying. Did she even know that you didn't end up being able to stay with them? Even if she did, it was probably too late by then to do anything about the seating plan.

It sounds like it wasn't a very nice experience but it's done and dusted now and I really wouldn't continue to dwell on it, weeks after the event.

I've been in this position, difference is I guessed it was coming - and warned DH, who thought I was being ridiculous - until he found himself sat up on the top table and I was way, way, way at the back with some distant friends of the groom. There was even a spare place at the top table.

I really didn't give a monkeys, give me red wine and I'll talk to anyone., I knew the groom had never forgiven me for stealing his best mate.

DH doesn't have anything to do with him anymore, he's recently contacted me on FB, trying to get in contact with him but he can't be doing with the drama ( there was other silly stuff too)

Sad really, as by the end of the wedding me and the bride were getting on like a house on fire, could have had some lovely couples nights out ...

Ugh such a minefield. I once travelled abroad with my then bf and a group of mates expecting to have a bit of a jolly at the reception, only to find that they happy couple had split us all up and spread us around cos they thought it would be fun for us all to make new friends ... With people we had never met before in a different country where we were unlikely to be frequenting our new friends in the future!

And this is why I loathe weddings ...
The idea that some are worthy of a better table ! I detest this sort of selection - it's no different at school plays ; govourners get the front row reserved . Why ?
I refuse invites now where this sort of antiquated clap trap is adhered to .
Op- when the christening invite arrives recycle it before dp sees it!

You were seated with people who the bride & groom presumed you were staying with, and would therefore be comfortable.

You weren't happy and the issue was raised with the groom. What was he expected to do?

Who do you think should have been sat at that back table?

I got married last weekend and took great care to make sure all our guests were seated with people whose company they would enjoy. Some groups of people were too big for one table, so I seated then on adjacent tables. Unfortunately the venue arranged the table numbers differently to how we had discussed, so the group were on tables on opposite sides of the room.

Should I have rearranged when I realised the situation?

Bride was thoughtless and rude, good thing your nit in regular contact with her.

A buffet and free seating, that's how to run a wedding :)

I think you're being way over sensitive to see it as a snub

It may not have even ideal, but it's not a snub.

You were sat with people you were (supposed to be) staying with. The groom/bride weren't to know your husband needed moral support for the speech. And tbf, it's not about you being there to listen to him! Although it's a rubbish choice of venue if he couldn't be heard at the back. That may not be their fault though - they might trust that the venue size works, as it's being sold as a venue.

I don't blame the groom for being terse. It was his wedding day - people shouldn't have been bringing him minor problems to sort out.

Yes, you came from the UK, but it was your choice and you combined it with a holiday.

It just doesn't seem like that big a deal to me.