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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about the blasted car?

116 replies

CrazyOldCatLady · 24/04/2014 09:49

Our car is out of action for the last two weeks; it's in the garage waiting for a new part to be delivered.

My parents have very kindly lent us one of their cars for the duration, because we travel 70km each way to work and public transport isn't an option (it would be a bus, then a train, then a tram, then a half hour walk, so probably a total of 3 hours each way and there's no way we'd do it within creche opening hours!). They're using their second car.

I can't drive my parents' car because I'm not insured - I'm on a provisional licence. Plus roughly half of our commute is on motorway, and I can't do that on a provisional. So DH is doing all the driving.

The car is a small engined automatic. Our own is a manual diesel with a bigger engine and generally a lot more power. DH detests my parents' car, he finds it unresponsive and it changes gear at ridiculous times (changing up a gear halfway up a steep hill, for example!) or doesn't change when it should (accelerating on the straight, it'll stay in a low gear till the engine is racing before it changes up). I know he's right, I'd find it annoying to drive too.

The problem is that DH emphatically refuses to adjust his driving to suit the car's limitations. He floors the accelerator despite knowing that it'll just make the engine unhappy. It can't keep up with him at all. He admitted last week that he knows he's mistreating it, that he shouldn't be trying to push it when he knows well that it won't perform the way he wants it to. But he keeps doing it. He gets angry and forces the revs up into the red - the same shade of red as his face while he's doing it.

We've had the same argument over and over for the last two weeks. My dad specifically asked me to mind the car as it's old and they need it. But DH insists on driving it badly, and when I pull him up on it he says it's the car's fault for being useless. I think he's being horribly ungrateful to my parents; they lent us the car in good faith, thinking we'd take good care of it, and he isn't. I feel he's forcing my to lie to my parents and I don't like it. Also he said he wouldn't treat a car belonging to his parents that way, but it's different because it's my parents. When I asked him why, he said 'my parents would never own an automatic' - which is a total cop out of an answer, and just comes back to blaming the car!

I'm utterly confused by all this. I'm so used to thinking of DH as a fundamentally nice person but at the moment he's coming across as a selfish, entitled git and I just don't like him.

OP posts:
Peekingduck · 25/04/2014 11:00

Don't worry about Bigdog. I think he's trying to compensate.
Funny little man. Thanks

Mechanic covers a wide range of skills and expertise. I suspect Bigdog is visiting from Pistonheads, and if he is he probably has great respect for my OH's experience and skill over there. Wink

RiverTam · 25/04/2014 11:00

'rag the tits off'? Grow up.

OP, sounds like there's a lot more wrong that this one issue (which your DH is being an utter dick about, no question). Out of interest, do you have DC - I would dread to think what a man like this would be like around children. He is angry, disrespectful, gaslighting - the list goes on.

I would return the car to your parents with thanks and apologies and your DH will have to hire a car. And then I would have a good long think about whether or not I could continue to live with a man like this.

bigdog888 · 25/04/2014 11:01

Mechanic covers a wide range of skills and expertise

I guess he fixes vending machines or something?

catsmother · 25/04/2014 11:02

Crazy .... not it's not you being intolerant. Who, on this thread (apart from what seems to be a bored and immature 12 year old) has supported your H's attitude one little bit ? If he was a reasonable person he would at least discuss any concerns of yours with you if he's so sure his behaviour is right - he'd explain, and reassure and compromise sometimes like most normal people do. Instead, he shouts at you, ignores you, deflects the issue back on to you by listing all your "faults", sulks some more and then despite eventually appearing to back down, only seems to appear contrite so that you feel guilty and end up reassuring him ! Saying "I'm so crap" (despite the fact he's right on that one!) doesn't actually serve any purpose at all when you think about it when he knows that self-criticism seems to trigger something in you that makes you sympathise with him. Meanwhile - the actual problem has been swept under the carpet and not actually dealt with at all. A reasonable person, who, when they'd calmed down and recognised that they were at fault would come to you and apologise and explain why they were going to do their best not to do it again and so on. TBH, he sounds like a stroppy kid.

I think that perhaps seeking out counselling for yourself to help explore why you doubt your own sense of right v wrong, why you're inclined to blame yourself for his bad behaviour and how you can improve your self esteem and self belief would probably do you a power of good. And enable you to look at this awful situation objectively - as we're all trying to do - and make the right decision.

In a nutshell, he may well never criticise you - or so you like to think - but the truth is he's only "fine" when everything's going his way and he doesn't have to answer to you. As soon as you start to ruffle feathers so to speak he goes off on one and then he doesn't hold back on criticising you does he ? You can't live like that - it must be like treading eggshells all the time. You're supposed to be his equal - not some subservient underling who must never say anything remotely upsetting to him. Couples are supposed to be able to talk to each other, and respect each other's views.

Peekingduck · 25/04/2014 11:03

ThanksThanksThanksGrin
Nope, I'm not giving you any clues about his identity.

Pantah630 · 25/04/2014 12:12

Ha ha a fucking mechanic. Couldn't he get a better job? Tell him to go fuck himself.

Incredibly tempted to show this thread to the motorcycle mechanics in my workshop, pretty sure they'd be happy to show you how obliging they can be with their tools. I dare say you keep this obnoxious attitude for the internet, in real life you probably don't even know how to drive, let alone quickly.

OP please give thought how to move on from your partner, things will only get worse, get out while you still can. There is a lot of support for you here, do you have any real life support?

AmberNectarine · 25/04/2014 12:34

What do you do bigdog? Professional arsehole? Didn't realise there was a market.

OP I'd have to agree that your partner doesn't sound like a keeper. Lot of red flags in your last post about his arguing style. Rest assured that the problem is not with you.

CrazyOldCatLady · 25/04/2014 12:35

do you have any real life support?
None whatsoever, and two small kids.

OP posts:
CrazyOldCatLady · 25/04/2014 12:48

Well, actually, in strictly practical terms, yes. But at a certain emotional cost. And emotionally, no support at all.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 25/04/2014 12:49

what is he like with the DCs?

HauntedNoddyCar · 25/04/2014 12:57

Are your parents supportive?

I'm just wondering if they could come and get the car plus you and the dc for the weekend?

And when your DH starts the poor me, I don't deserve you routine, you need to stop responding in the same way. Which means he keeps the status quo.

MaryWestmacott · 25/04/2014 13:05

OP - and ExP did lots pitying thing when I called him if he behaved badly - lots of "oh god, i'm terrible, you're goingto leave me for someone else aren't you" and I found that after a while, the thing the worked the best was to say "probably yes if you don't change. I'm getting bored of this." and that stopped him dead - he said the pitying crap, and I was supposed to then reassure him. Not doing freaked him out.

Next time, stay calm, realise he's only saying the "oh you'd be better without me" or "you're going to leave me for someone else" or "I'm so terrible." in order for you to tell him he's not and then the converstaion has gone from how bad his behaviour was about X to you making him feel better about it and all about how terrible you are for complaining about X. So next time say "probably if you don't stop it." or "yes, you are." Don't shout it, don't cry, and whatever you do, don't reassure him you won't leave him over X.

If your arguments always start over stuff he does that pisses you off, it could well just be that you are the nice normal person and he's a twat, you aren't doing stuff that upsets him, not that he's really tolerant, just that you arent giving him reason to get angry. On the other hand, he's giving you lots of reasons to get angry.

MaryWestmacott · 25/04/2014 13:08

oh and while he accepts hes in the wrong, he won't actually say sorry or try to change his behaviour which he accepts is wrong? That is really pathetic. I wouldnt want to continue with that either, even when he accepts he is wrong he can't make the slightest bit of effort to change, you've got no hope on anything he doesn't accept he's wrong about. Life is too short. (this isn't about cars anymore is it)

pluCaChange · 25/04/2014 13:36

If he says "he doesn't deserve you", you can "reassure" him by telling him how he can deserve you and the DC. Moaning that he doesn't deserve you is just saying he can't be bothered to treat you properly: is he really prepared for you to take him at his word?

Chippednailvarnish · 25/04/2014 19:24

Can we all just ignore the UKIP voting puppy who's trying to derail the thread?

OP does your DP have any redeeming features?

AlpacaLypse · 26/04/2014 15:32

Hi CrazyCat

I think you'd do well to start a new thread over on Relationships. Your DH isn't being a very nice person and that's eventually going to make the children unhappy.

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