To refuse to move to USA with hubby

[CookieTramp]

I don't know what I'm really after here, but please offer your perspective.

We moved to where we are 2 years ago and I love it. Ds1 hs in reception class at school and it's a great school. I have a 4mo baby.

Husband's company wants him in NY and has upped offer to $150,000, and DH says we will be able to save £1000+ a month on that, whereas here we are not able to save. I don't work at the moment, except a little freelance from home.

The main reasons I can't agree are: 1. My mum. She is more my mainstay than DH, really. She has a fantastic bond with DS1 and will have with DS2. We need her and also it will break her heart. We have very little family and my dad died 7 years ago. 2. We will lose the school place and with the squeeze on places could easily get one out of area. 3. I do not know if we really will save what DH says and no clue how to work it out definitively. Relocation package is €5,000, which to me seems like it won't touch the sides what with flights to and fro and furnishing a 4-bed house out there from scratch.

Main issue I suppose is our relationship is not great and DH has never grasped the concept of emotional support. He takes his responsibilities seriously and gives lots of his time to the kids but I don't feel he is really there for me. I'm too scared to leave all my other supports and put myself in a position where he is all I have. We were in Relate last year and DS2 was conceived in fit of optimism thereafter.

So DH is desperate to go, as the job there is beyond his wildest dreams. I would hate to hold him back from that. One possibility is he goes for a year on his own (he needs at least the first two big projects) but how could I do that to DS1, even if I could do it to DH?!

It seems impossible whichever way I turn and we need to decide soon. Hubby keeps saying about financial gain (but is it really?!) and I will make new friends but the biggest loss is my mum and the school place. dH says would be for a couple of years.

Over to you. I am soooo stressed and distressed.

[EggsFlorentine]

Of course I mean if your husband were to quit his job, not you, sorry that bit wasn't clear

[CookieTramp]

Oh my goodness, this is so so useful. I'm so glad I posted and a bit overwhelmed with gratitude.

I did feel last year that the company weren't doing what they should. The HR department consists of one 24-year-old girl! It's a young company and I do understand that but also it's not my problem! I feel like figures are plucked out if the air and no full picture is given , and hubby so wants it to happen that stuff like this nitty-gritty is my job to nail down. It shouldn't be, right?!

They do really want DH. He wants it badly and doesn't want to make demands and be awkward. So I have to :-(.

[itsonlysubterfuge]

I use to live in the US, but now live in the UK. I packed up and left my life when I was 19 to move here with my boyfriend (now DH). I have loads of family I left behind, but I have no question in my mind I did the best thing. I love my DH and he means more to me than anyone of my family members. I know I made the best choice for me.

If you don't feel the same about your DH, I think it will end up causing a lot more strain on your relationship. The first part of the move isn't the hard part (however I didn't have to move a whole household, it was just me and a few of my items) it's after a while when you really start to miss family.

There are loads of places in New York, not just New York City. It really depends on where you live in the state, but $150,000 is a good salary in the US. I lived in Utah and we were slightly higher middle class and my parents combined made around $100,000.

I'm not sure about NY, but something else to consider is that most kids start school at 5. So if your DS just turned 4 then he won't be going to school for another year.

I think it really warrants looking into further if you feel able to move there. I only have limited knowledge of living in the US as I lived in UT, not NY.

Here is wishing you positive thoughts though, this will be a hard choice for you to make.

[EggsFlorentine]

While I agree you shouldn't have to do all the nitty gritty fact finding, back when I moved people abroad for a living, it was not at all uncommon to deal with the spouse of the person moving!

I was lucky when moving with my husband as I knew the right questions to ask, like you it was a small company who weren't entirely au fait with the industry norms for relocation packages. But once I explained to them what we would expect and why (remember you should never be out of pocket, but likewise it is rarely a big money maker) they were very helpful in trying to accommodate our needs. So in conclusion to this long ramble (late here and I confess to a couple of drinks..), just make sure you ask all the right questions and are as involved as possible before you decide and/or go, then it will be a hell of a lot more manageable.

[nooka]

My dh was also over the moon about being offered an opportunity in the States, as inter-company transfers are about the only way to get there. But it meant we didn't get a very good deal as he didn't know enough about what to ask and made a lot of assumptions (and things changed when we arrived). It's something you need to go into with your eyes wide open.

[UptheChimney]

I work in the public sector in an area not renowned for generous "compensation" and I've relocated 3 times, once overseas. Each time, I received a far higher relocation allowance and assistance than you're being offered routinely I was given the maximum under HMRC guidelines. When I lived & worked in the US, it wasn't NYC, but $150k (or do you mean Euro? it makes a difference!) is paltry really -- in my profession (not well paid!) that would be the minimum for a senior post in that geographical area.

US taxes is complicated (I never got my head around it) because there can be several layers -- local, State & Federal.

Your husband sounds very naive to be honest. The internet is your friend: you need to use property websites to look at standard house prices, costs for ex-pats for schooling, taxes, and healthcare.

[UptheChimney]

They do really want DH. He wants it badly and doesn't want to make demands and be awkward

If they want him so much they need to pay more, and ensure that your family is not out of pocket in the move. Get some estimates for a month in a fully-furnished serviced apartment, cost of packing (don't do it yourself!), removal, and unpacking. Cost of flights (Business class for whole family) and so on.

If they want him so much, they'll see sense.

But your husband has to stop wanting it so much that it'll cost you all as a family. And factor in any loss of your earnings in looking at the salary they'll pay him.

[HermioneWeasley]

It seems the best thing for you and the family is to stay here and for him to stay. He wants to go and do this job, which is understandable, but we all have to make choices when we have family responsibilities.

Agree with others that the relocation offer is bizarrely low- would just about cover your flights there!

NYC is easily as expensive as London - are you there now? Would you be able to save if you earned that salary in London? Do any of you have a health condition?

I'm not sure you need a 4 bed, with young kids they could share when your mum comes to stay.

[Nosleeptillbedtime]

If your relationship is not that great your ds my find himself without a live in dad anyway whether you go to us or not.
If you do go the stress of living in a new place is very likely to kill off your marriage anyway.

[doziedoozie]

Did you check all medical costs are covered by company? This must be adequate.

It's not enough pay.

He could tell them he is coming on his own for a two year contract (he can Skype everyday) but what will their travel allowance be to get him home several times a year.

Leave is very low sometimes, maybe 3 days a year in some states when you join the company.

[doziedoozie]

Ask for info on the Living Overseas Thread.

[Gen35]

I loved living in the US but I agree, we had double that to move out nearly 10 years ago and 13500£ to move back a few years ago and that didn't touch the sides of the actual cost. Also without a network and 2 dc apart from anything else you'll be desperately lonely. Americans work a lot more hours than Brits too - I know, I've worked in both places, it's not just leave, there are fewer bank holidays and they just put more hours in too. Agree, for that salary pull be struggling to rent something not tiny or dingy - you need to show him what your standard of living will be like.

[eddielizzard]

in your shoes with what you've said so far i wouldn't be moving, not initially anyway.

all those questions need to be answered properly to get a full picture. then perhaps your dh will see it's not this amazing opportunity. better to be fully armed with the correct info.

but i wouldn't be pulling my ds out of school lightly.

[MorrisZapp]

In the history of the world, has anybody actually taken a highly paid overseas job with the aim of saving substantial amounts and coming home rich - and actually done it?

Surely the reality is never going to be that simple.

[MrsJoeDolan]

If only to not get into custody/habitual residence tangles down the line I would be inclined to stay. Sorry.

[BelleOfTheBorstal]

Having done a move to the USA with a less than perfect marriage, which has now ended, there is no way I'd recommend you doing this.
If he really wants to do it, let him go by himself and minimise his living costs as much as he possibly can.

[expatinscotland]

Not enough money. I wouldn't go for that amount anywhere commuting distance to NYC.

[homebythesea]

morriszapp you can make money by going overseas but usually only if you go to tax free country like Dubai, Bermuda, Caymans etc

[musicalendorphins2]

Houses for sale in New Jersey

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Morriszapp, it worked for us, but we moved to a third world country on a UK salary, so living there was cheap.

After 5 years we had saved £1000 a month (but the company paid our rent! So a better deal than $150,000 in the OP, IMO). We were also allowed to fly home as a family once a year, waterer the cost (up to £10,000 I think), so all i all a better deal, and this was not even a senior position! Quite a junior post.

But it was hard at times, and put a strain on our marriage, but also was a wonderful and exciting experience, and the kids were fine (kids always are, they are more flexible than adults).

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

just realise the braggy nature of my post

apologies.

[indigo18]

Yes, you can make money, as homebythesea says. DS is in the process of negotiating contract which will enble him to save a great deal, as everything he needs to live - house, food, transport etc is provided in addition to his tax free salary. He is young, free and single.
Your situation is obvs very different, however speaking as one who re-located and lived as an ex-pat, I would not advise you to send DH alone. I saw many relationships break up in these circumstances. If you can bring yourself to embrace the experience the outcome could be positive. Can you keep your house and let it out? Mum can visit and you can visit her. Your DS would get a taste of life in a different culture. You will make friends, having young children opens doors.
I do agree with those who say your re-location package is low; the company should send packers to your house (even if not taking furniture, you have a lot of stuff to shift for young children). Business class flights too, please; it's a long way with little ones!
I wish you the best of luck. The years fly by, and you may love it!

[Longdistance]

I wish my dh went to Oz on his own. Would have saved me a lot of hassle. I did suggest it, but he was.not.happy.

We're back in the Uk now, but 2 years too long in Oz. Stuff was shipped over. We flew over, that was paid for by the company. Our return flights were paid for, but the bastards wouldn't pay for the container back. $12k later...

I'm glad we're back, but it had to give up my job for this move.

Yanbu, in wanting your dh to go on his own. It broke my heart leaving my dp's and friends back here. And I had the shittiest time thanks to my arse of a h. Glad to be back to normality.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

To give you an idea re £5k relocation allowance - that was what I got from my company in 2005 as an unqualified married but child free 25 year old moving just over 100 miles within the UK.

And it still didn't cover our costs.......

[FrankCarsonsDressingRoom]

My parents made this move on a crap marriage and it split them up. Only go abroad if you're rock solid. It's hard at times, and you need to rely on eachother....and you need a string family unit to get you through all the times you would have been hanging out together...I always miss the spontaneity. I resent going through security checks just to see my parents. I've only got one life though, it's a big world and you just have to suck up that side of things. Basically you need to really want to go otherwise its a nightmare.

Secondly, the money isn't enough. Ive had five stints of living abroad, and relocation has always involved: a flight per year per family member; rent subsidy; relocation of household goods.