To refuse to move to USA with hubby

[CookieTramp]

I don't know what I'm really after here, but please offer your perspective.

We moved to where we are 2 years ago and I love it. Ds1 hs in reception class at school and it's a great school. I have a 4mo baby.

Husband's company wants him in NY and has upped offer to $150,000, and DH says we will be able to save £1000+ a month on that, whereas here we are not able to save. I don't work at the moment, except a little freelance from home.

The main reasons I can't agree are: 1. My mum. She is more my mainstay than DH, really. She has a fantastic bond with DS1 and will have with DS2. We need her and also it will break her heart. We have very little family and my dad died 7 years ago. 2. We will lose the school place and with the squeeze on places could easily get one out of area. 3. I do not know if we really will save what DH says and no clue how to work it out definitively. Relocation package is €5,000, which to me seems like it won't touch the sides what with flights to and fro and furnishing a 4-bed house out there from scratch.

Main issue I suppose is our relationship is not great and DH has never grasped the concept of emotional support. He takes his responsibilities seriously and gives lots of his time to the kids but I don't feel he is really there for me. I'm too scared to leave all my other supports and put myself in a position where he is all I have. We were in Relate last year and DS2 was conceived in fit of optimism thereafter.

So DH is desperate to go, as the job there is beyond his wildest dreams. I would hate to hold him back from that. One possibility is he goes for a year on his own (he needs at least the first two big projects) but how could I do that to DS1, even if I could do it to DH?!

It seems impossible whichever way I turn and we need to decide soon. Hubby keeps saying about financial gain (but is it really?!) and I will make new friends but the biggest loss is my mum and the school place. dH says would be for a couple of years.

Over to you. I am soooo stressed and distressed.

[TheZeeTeam]

As a complete aside from the entire thread, but just because DH got his bill from the train company today, DH spends just over $250 a month on the commute. That includes the car parking at the station. We live 26 miles away from Manhattan.

Just thought that would help if you are still doing the sums!!

[Wobblestones]

I found this thread while searching for info on US relocation costs as we're about to make a similar move.
OP what did you decide? Did you go? How are you?

[lbsjob87]

A friend of mine had your situation but in reverse.
Moved to Hong Kong before she had kids, OH has some amazing job in a law firm.
She came back to stay with her mum when she had both boys (2.5 years apart, so came home twice, each time for a few weeks) because she wanted them born British.
When the whole family came home for Christmas 2012, none of them wanted to go back. The boys missed their cousins, the oldest was starting school and she didn't want him in an international school (I think at the bottom of it, she was homesick and just wanted good old Blighty).
Eventually, she stayed with the boys, got her son into her old primary school, her OH is still out there.
They miss each other like crazy but he comes home or they go out there 6 times a year.
He has promised to only do it for 5 years, then get a lower paid job here.
It wouldn't be my choice but it works for them.
If your support network means more to you than the NY option, I would excuse to go, but support OH in his choices. Give it a year, see how it's working for you all.
Neither option is easy and I feel for you.

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

It is a reasonable salary if you live outside of the city, don't live in the fanciest neighbourhoods (not saying the nasty ones, just not the country club ones) and don't drive fancy cars. However, moving costs a fortune. Imagine how much it would cost to replace every single electrical item you own, everything from a fridge and washer to a hair dryer and TV. When we first moved our rental didn't have a washer or fridge, we had to buy a hoover, lights for the bedrooms etc. It was crazy expensive, you never realise how many appliances you have until you do this -- then buying two cars, ugh. A chunk more money would help, you could get help with the house, travel, have money for more social stuff and you could afford to go back to Britain to visit more often. Do you need a big house? Remember houses here are quite a bit bigger and a two bedroom here is often nothing like a two bedroom in the UK. Could the kids share? Would a two or three bedroom work? I doubt very much you will save $1K/month but I don't think you will be hard up.

I was lonely for about six months and still not fully settled (not unhappy, just not quite all there) for the first two years (how long we were meant to be here). We put my son in a coop preschool (where the parents volunteer their time to help run it) and I made friends through there. Americans can be much more friendly than Brits. They were friends I had no history with though and it took a while to trust people with my son so we had no babysitter for evenings out. I avoided making friends with Brits as we were only meant to be there two years. I have a couple of Brit friends now after 15 years. It did pull dh and me together though as we spent so much more time together as we initially had no friends.

Your mother could come for up to three months at a time if she was willing and perhaps you could go back for a visit with the kids in between? Our schools tend to be less strict about time off compared to the schools in Britain. Would she be willing to come with you for the first three months and help you get settled?

All this said though, it really feels like you don't want to go. I really wanted to go to Montreal for a year about six years ago. DH and I talked a lot about it and he had some serious reservations, so we didn't go. I still wonder and wish we had done it, but it isn't a big deal. I got over the disappointment.

I love living here, even after 15 years I still feel so fortunate. It has to be one of the best decisions we ever made. However, we both chose it. Also I was not on a visa so I didn't have to worry about custody and suchlike. I think it was wonderful for my son who was almost three at the time.

We supposedly have good insurance, a BCBS PPO for those that that makes sense to. Our out of pocket last year came to about four thousand not including our share of the premiums, office visits and medication. No-one was in hospital. To give you an idea, I got two inhalers for 10 quid in England, here I pay $75 a piece. Cheese costs a fortune.

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

I do think it can be very risky for marriages to be apart like that.