Friend has hurt me and I don't know how to even talk to her

[Janus]

This involves probably my closest friend in this area (moved here 6 years ago). Recently I told her something that I had heard but when I told her I expressly said that it shouldn't be repeated as, although I wasn't told not to repeat it, it was 'sensitive'. I only told her, not other people and this is because I totally trusted her but, to be sure, I did said not to tell anyone. Well, she didn't just tell someone, she told the person it was concerning and told that person what had been said and by whom, ie me and another person. I'm sorry this is cryptic but the whole story is very in-depth and complicated. It concerns an affair and the thing she told this woman was about her and her affair and could have been very hurtful for the woman to hear. I contacted the woman and explained everything to her and she said she wasn't actually that bothered by the comment at all, I'm imagining she has better things to worry about right now. BUT I cannot begin to imagine why my friend told this woman the information and why she would drop me in it like that. We had a discussion about this over a series of texts, once she told me what she said I told her I needed time on my own. She has sent me a text to say she 'misses me' but that has been it. I honestly don't know what to say to her. Today was the first time I had to see her as we have children at the same school but I couldn't look at her. I feel so let down. I am a pretty undemanding friend, I think! I find it hugely difficult to ask for help or favours but have spent a lot of time helping her as she does need help with childcare as one child has hospital stays and appointments so I have always been there for her and helped as much as I can. I think the only thing I ask in return is for someone to be a true friend and always 'have your back'. I am devastated to be honest and don't see a way past this. AIBU? Should I be doing something that I'm not? Does anyone have some good advice?

I wouldn't have it out with at all. That just opens up the possibility of some sort of justification for her actions or other irrelevant flim-flam.

She needs to be blanked. Pointedly and permanently

It would be a friendship breaker for me.

I see two options. a) Let her know how hurt you are that she dropped you in it, and you don't really want to be around her at the moment b) phase her out. Meet up with her less and less, organise other things for when you usually meet up.

Ditch the cow

" I am a pretty undemanding friend, I think! I find it hugely difficult to ask for help or favours but have spent a lot of time helping her as she does need help with childcare as one child has hospital stays and appointments so I have always been there for her and helped as much as I can. "
Your friend uses you for childcare - I'm guessing this is not reciprocated as you find it difficult to ask. Your friend uses you to stir trouble for someone she's in a huff with - despite you having specifically asked her not to repeat it. Seriously - this woman is not your friend. I doubt she is anybody's friend. IMO she's a user and a taker, and you need to distance yourself from her. Think back over your friendship with her - what have you done for her and what has she done for you?

I believe we had a genuine friendship, i did help her a lot as she needed my help but i was very willing to help. She always offered to help me but I refused as I hate to ask for help, my problem. She was always a good friend, it's just all very sad.

It is very sad.

This woman is no friend to you. She trampled all over you just to stick the boot in to someone else. You don't have to fall out with her just politely decline invitations and requests for help. When the inevitable "have I done something to upset you?!" Questions arrive Say "yes, but this time I'm taking out a full page ad in the evening news. You can read about it when everyone else does." What a cow.

Someone up thread mentioned passing hurtful gossip on to her friend and being ok with it. I agree wholeheartedly. When I was on maternity leave with dc2 a colleague who I'd become friendly with told me that our asst. manager (who I was also friendly with)had commented several times to various people that the stock count was so much better while I was away. I'm a bloody hard worker and conscientious. I wasn't having someone who claimed to be teetotal at his interview then suddenly a raging alkie two weeks in denigrating my hard work in such a malicious way. I confronted him. When he denied saying it, my friend stuck his neck out and called him on it. We did have trouble with stock going walkies. It was a maddening tedium the whole ten years I worked there. Whether he was alluding to me being a thief or suggesting that I wasn't doing that part of my job properly or not caring I don't know but it fucking hurt to be gossiped about in that way. Now, unless it's something lighthearted I don't participate in bitchy gossip. Shit gets twisted and knowing my luck I'll get the finger pointed at me when it all kicks off. Now I remove myself prior to that.

"These days most people's idea of a secret is something you only tell one person at a time."

You gossiped but she broke your confidence deliberately. Lessons learnt.

you ask why she would do that? well, like you she can't keep her mouth shut or honor confidentiality. you are seeing your own traits and behaviour reflected in hers. same goes for the woman who's having the affair. at least your friend was honest when she told the woman concerned.

i guess the moral of the story is 'treat others as you would like to be treated'

I'm still not really understanding how the conversation panned out. The OP (in order to console her friend) told her about a comment another friend had made about a third person's affair, which was presumably not very nice apparently along the lines that this affair was very bad, and in comparison the friend's issues were quite small (the implication being that the OP and the other friend had been comparing the two situations). I'm not quite sure why the friend needed to know what the other friend had said in this scenario, and wonder if it was actually her confidence that was betrayed (by the OP) when the friend then went and told the third person what she had apparently been saying about her.

People saying unkind things about their friends behind their backs are not nice. I don't think that anyone comes out of this situation very well.

Your one friend was able to forgive you, don't you feel you can forgive the other friend?

When things get this complicated, I think its time to call time on the whole sorry business. Walk away and dont give it any more headspace!

Life really is too short. Hopefully lessons have been learned all round.

Is this Mumsnet or the teenage girls forum?

Can't stand gossip merchants. Why talk about people behind their back? Would you like it if someone did it to you?

nooka - I think it goes like this.
OP = OP
(ex) Best friend = "Laura"
OP's other friend = "Anne" aka friend who told OP "sensitive information"
person Laura told = "Simone" aka person who had an affair while married

Laura's brother found out that his ex-wife was now dating his best friend. Laura was upset on behalf of her brother about the ex-wife (her former sister-in-law) and best-friend dating. I'm going to presume based on posts that Laura thought this was just the worst thing a person could do. 

OP was consoling Laura and told her "that although it was probably something his friend shouldn't have done, sometimes these things happen, they were already separated and living apart when they got together and then I said it could have been worse", like Simone who was still married when she had an affair with her husband's best-friend, which is a much worse thing and their mutual friend Anne agreed with her, as they'd spoken about it earlier.

Laura then went out of her way to seek out Simone (the person who had an affair) and tell her that OP and Anne think she's a horrible person who's affair was a much more horrible thing to do than what her brother's ex-wife and best friend were doing. OP has since called Simone and apologised for gossiping about her affair etc.

OP explained in other posts that Laura had admitted that she "waited for (Simone) and told her what OP and Anne had said because since (OP) had told her the information, she has fallen out with (Anne) so she wanted to drop her in it even though that meant dropping (OP) in it too".

You're probably right. I still don't see why Anne's opinion was in any way relevant though, or why Laura needed to know that Anne and the OP had been talking about Simone's behaviour. That to me is the gossiping part, unnecessary to share in the first place, and if Laura was friends with Simone and had fallen out with Anne I guess I can see why she might have told Simone that Anne and the OP were being unkind about her.

When my teenage dd tells me about this sort of stuff going on in her friendship group I tell her to stay well away, tell the person saying unkind things that she doesn't want to to hear (or challenge their comments if is up for that) and not to tell the third party about it at all. It does all seem a bit childish.

You are vilifying your friend for doing the same thing you did! If you don't want someone to pass on gossip then don't tell them it!!