Friend has hurt me and I don't know how to even talk to her

[Janus]

This involves probably my closest friend in this area (moved here 6 years ago). Recently I told her something that I had heard but when I told her I expressly said that it shouldn't be repeated as, although I wasn't told not to repeat it, it was 'sensitive'. I only told her, not other people and this is because I totally trusted her but, to be sure, I did said not to tell anyone. Well, she didn't just tell someone, she told the person it was concerning and told that person what had been said and by whom, ie me and another person. I'm sorry this is cryptic but the whole story is very in-depth and complicated. It concerns an affair and the thing she told this woman was about her and her affair and could have been very hurtful for the woman to hear. I contacted the woman and explained everything to her and she said she wasn't actually that bothered by the comment at all, I'm imagining she has better things to worry about right now. BUT I cannot begin to imagine why my friend told this woman the information and why she would drop me in it like that. We had a discussion about this over a series of texts, once she told me what she said I told her I needed time on my own. She has sent me a text to say she 'misses me' but that has been it. I honestly don't know what to say to her. Today was the first time I had to see her as we have children at the same school but I couldn't look at her. I feel so let down. I am a pretty undemanding friend, I think! I find it hugely difficult to ask for help or favours but have spent a lot of time helping her as she does need help with childcare as one child has hospital stays and appointments so I have always been there for her and helped as much as I can. I think the only thing I ask in return is for someone to be a true friend and always 'have your back'. I am devastated to be honest and don't see a way past this. AIBU? Should I be doing something that I'm not? Does anyone have some good advice?

Well, you gossiped. You relayed sensitive information about a third party to someone else. It does not matter if you were told not keep quiet or not, it was sensitive. Your friend did the only honourable thing, in my opinion, she let the person in question know she was gossiped about, and by whom. It shows that your friend is trustworthy, and you are not. I guess that is why you are so embarrassed that you need to shift the blame onto friend.

If you had been told this ''sensitive'' thing just along the grapevine, 3rd 4th or 5th or 6th hand, i would say YWNBU to pass it along and tell a friend. Sad but true - most of us pass on news. Especially if it's already 'out there'.

But

Unless i'm wrong you were told this sensitive thing first hand from the person concerned. Knowing it was sensitive. In that case you were wrong to tell anyone else.

Advice now?

Apologise unreservedly to the friend who shared her issue with you which you blabbed about. Then it'll up to her how your friendship continues.

Be more careful and decent in future. Only you can decide if its worth mending bridges with the gossipy friend.

Quin, in my further posts i did explain that my friend repeated this information as she didn't like the original person who told me the information, it was to hurt that person. She was not being 'honorable' I'm afraid, it was to hurt the third person.
Believe me, i have crucified myself enough over relaying the information to my BF, I know I shouldn't have done it.

Your friend did the only honourable thing, in my opinion, she let the person in question know she was gossiped about, and by whom.

quint - very true.

Based on your latest post, your friend doesn't sound very nice!

Oh x post.

But whatever the motivation behind it at least the 'sensitive' issue friend now knows not to tel you anything else.

Sorry OP :(
Suck it up and learn from this. Only way.

So she threw you under a bus in order to cause trouble for someone she was cross with?
she is not a friend to you.
certainly you should not have been gossiping, but many people do and its not the worst of thecrimes in this sorry tale. Screwing over your friend in order to cause trouble is worse.She has shown you that she does not give a shit about you.
she cant even apologise, can she? Sorry if you feel she used you? Feel? How else can you feel? She didnt do it out of loyalty to the woman being gossiped about, that might be different, If she felt she wanted to help, protect or defend a friend from gossip, but she did it to be spiteful.

You friend doesnt sound like a very nice person or friend tbh

Fluffy, no it wasn't information the actual person concerned told me. It was a comment someone made about the affair, it was no information about the affair.

And its not like you were told the information in confidance, someone else was and told you. Is that right?

Ex post

It does change things somewhat that your friend was willing to throw you under a bus just to have a dig at the other friend.

It's all a bit unpleasant really. I'd definitely be pissed off if I were you OP.

Oh, and I am guilty of gossiping as much as the next person. I also know some friends' secrets that I'll take with me to the grave. So no judgement from me.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here. You've been let down very badly by someone you thought was a true friend whom you could trust. She dropped you in it for the specific purpose of hurting someone else, that's really unpleasant.

As for all the "well you were gossiping" remarks, I would be very surprised if these people could honestly say they have never broken a confidence in their lives.

I think you've had an epiphany with this person and you should probably start to distance yourself from them.

It's not the end of the world, friends come and go, some are more loyal and supportive than others, some are for life, some aren't. You'll get over it soon enough.

Thank you Social, that explains it very well, it was repeating some bloody comment that I shouldn;t have and, as you say, some friend's secrets I will take to the grave, including this friend or whatever she is now.

We do all gossip. And eventually, one piece will come back and bite us.

But this time it was done maliciously and with forethought. Admittedly you were collateral damage, but your 'friend' really didn't care. Nor did she care about the original victim subject in this.

She is not a friend - in fact she sounds a bit of a cow - and you need to steer clear.

So she intended to drop the third person in it and was willing to drop you in it too to achieve that?

That's not a friend OP, you haven't lost anything here. Move on and remember not to trust this person again.

That's what she did, she said so herself but because she was upset with the comment and who said it. I haven't texted/talked/facebooked with my friend at all as I just don't know what to say. It's a small school and very hard to not run into eachother but that's what I am trying to do.

Well, still honorable in my opinion to drop the first gossiper in it.

You put your friend in an awkward position. How could she NOT tell the friend that was gossiped about? It would be like she was colluding in the gossip, and it was important to her to distinguish herself from you and gossipmonger1, as well as ensuring that the person gossiped about knew. She still has my respect.

Sorry, should have been clear, it wasn't information about the affair that I was told or repeated, that was already known by people, it was a comment someone said on their thoughts of the affair but it was out of context, it's hard to explain.

Ok, so it was an opinion about something that was repeated?

Not so sure now, it more seem like she sacrificed you then...

I think everyone at some point has been guilty of gossiping. So don't feel too bad about it. You've done your best to put it right. Re your friend I think it depends how important they are to you. If not important then let the friendship slide quietly. Don't confront anymore, just start to distance yourself and develop other friendships. If it is important then I would have to tell her how much she has hurt you. And then depending on her reaction take it from there. But I would always be wary with her from now on.

This is hard to comment on because you are , understandably being oblique about it.

But in your position I'd be careful about posting on MN about it, and It also strikes me you aren't going to resolve any of this via text or facebook.

OK, this is complicated but I was trying to explain to my best friend, who was upset as her brother had found out that his ex-wife was seeing his best friend, that although it was probably something his friend shouldn't have done, sometimes these things happen, they were already separated and living apart when they got together and then I said it could have been worse, like x's affair, as she was still married and z had agreed with me when we were talking about this earlier (z is involved, she knows the brother's best friend). She then told the woman who was married when she had the affair that janus and y think your affair is much worse than my brother's best friend going off with his ex-wife's. Sorry, this is complicated!

Hmm, that changes it a bit, I think.

That's not her passing on gossip, that's her being disloyal to you.

TBH, you gossiped and it has bitten you on the behind. What she did is really no worse than what you did.