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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has hurt me and I don't know how to even talk to her

91 replies

Janus · 23/04/2014 16:24

This involves probably my closest friend in this area (moved here 6 years ago). Recently I told her something that I had heard but when I told her I expressly said that it shouldn't be repeated as, although I wasn't told not to repeat it, it was 'sensitive'. I only told her, not other people and this is because I totally trusted her but, to be sure, I did said not to tell anyone. Well, she didn't just tell someone, she told the person it was concerning and told that person what had been said and by whom, ie me and another person. I'm sorry this is cryptic but the whole story is very in-depth and complicated. It concerns an affair and the thing she told this woman was about her and her affair and could have been very hurtful for the woman to hear. I contacted the woman and explained everything to her and she said she wasn't actually that bothered by the comment at all, I'm imagining she has better things to worry about right now. BUT I cannot begin to imagine why my friend told this woman the information and why she would drop me in it like that. We had a discussion about this over a series of texts, once she told me what she said I told her I needed time on my own. She has sent me a text to say she 'misses me' but that has been it. I honestly don't know what to say to her. Today was the first time I had to see her as we have children at the same school but I couldn't look at her. I feel so let down. I am a pretty undemanding friend, I think! I find it hugely difficult to ask for help or favours but have spent a lot of time helping her as she does need help with childcare as one child has hospital stays and appointments so I have always been there for her and helped as much as I can. I think the only thing I ask in return is for someone to be a true friend and always 'have your back'. I am devastated to be honest and don't see a way past this. AIBU? Should I be doing something that I'm not? Does anyone have some good advice?

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 23/04/2014 17:52

I would treat her politely as an acquaintance but the friendship would be over. If she asked me I would tell her this.

Original poster
Janus · 23/04/2014 17:56

But Jinty, how do you go from seeing eachother 2 or 3 times a week for cuppas, lunch always on a Friday, nights out together, etc, to just being polite? Hello, no I can't ever do a cuppa or a lunch with you but nice weather we are having? I just don't know how to change from seeing eachother loads to just saying 'hi', it seems impossible. I am prone to over thinking things I think!

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 23/04/2014 17:57

So if I am understanding this right, you and your so-called friend were chatting about something. You drew a parallel with another, sensitive conversation that you had with another friend stressing that it was not to be repeated. Your friend then waited for the original subject to pass her and told her the information in its entirety in the hope of causing trouble as she doesn't like your other friend. She was open about that motivation and doesn't seem to care that she betrayed your confidence and caused trouble for you as a consequence.

OP, this woman may have seemed nice but she is actually a nasty piece of work. She has no respect for you, as shown by her willingness to cause you trouble. She has no empathy for others as shown by her wish to cause trouble and hurt someone else with information. She has no remorse as proven by her ability to talk about it only with regards to how your hurt relates to her i.e. she misses you. I don't get why others are saying that you are at fault, she has behaved hideously!

blanchedeveraux · 23/04/2014 17:58

If you don't feel READY to dissolve the friendship even though you're very angry and upset with her, then you can choose to continue it but with the knowledge that you can't trust her as much as you thought you could.

If you can sit there drinking tea/wine/eating lunch without wanting to smash her face in, then go ahead and do it. Only you'll know what you're prepared to put up with, we can't help you with that.

Original poster
Janus · 23/04/2014 18:04

Queen, I wish I could have said it all like that in the beginning, spot on! I thought I was trying to get her to see another point of view in the hope that it may help her. But I do see with absolute clarity that I should just not have tried to compare it to anything else and just commented on the subject.
Another friend, who we are both close to, has said she told her she knew she was in the wrong.

I have spent too much waking and sleeping time thinking about this over the past 2 weeks and I can never get to the conclusion that I can trust her again and therefore how can there be a future friendship.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/04/2014 18:05

She isn't your friend because friends don't drop each other in the shit like that. Most especially when they've explicitly been asked to keep schtumm

It's time to drop her like a hot brick. Some other fool can help her out with her childcare now. Fuck her!

Quinteszilla · 23/04/2014 18:12

I also wish you had explained it like that all along! Smile It changes it.

QueenofallIsee · 23/04/2014 18:14

I am with Bitter, I just don't see how this could ever be OK with me. I must say that I am a 'dweller' and can blithely type that as advice but I would be chewing it over for a very long time myself. I don't trust easily and I hate things that are unresolved. But OP, you can't make people like your so called mate see the world like you do. You will never get full resolution because to do so, she would have to be the sort of person who wouldn't actually do what she did! I don't go for big showdowns but I couldn't be her friend anymore, just No.

Original poster
Janus · 23/04/2014 18:34

Sorry Quinteszilla, I didn't know how to explain it all without going into so much information that everyone gave up reading! Queen must be very wise!
I dwell on things too much, I irritate myself! I have even dreamt of this, several times, where either I shout at her or hug her so can't even resolve it in my dreams. I know everyone makes mistakes and we should try to forgive but it is the intention to hurt someone behind her comments that just doesn't sit well with me and her blatantly using my and someones else's views to do this.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 23/04/2014 18:41

well she's definitely not your friend! I think you have to just politely nod and say hello from now on but that's it. horrible for you!

maras2 · 23/04/2014 18:41

Hmm Janus? The two faced God?

Original poster
Janus · 23/04/2014 18:44

Didn't know that Maras, it's not how I would describe myself though.

OP posts:
fairylightsintheloft · 23/04/2014 18:46

I was told once that two colleagues were having an affair in a gossipy way. One of the colleagues concerned was a very close friend of mine so I immediately told her that this rumour was doing the rounds. (there was no affair). She investigated the source of the rumours and several people were officially reprimanded. The person who told me had a go at me about it but I absolutely stood by what I had done. The rumours were false, malicious in intent and potentially very harmful. The gossips were pissed off that it had come back on them but if you pass something on, you cannot complain if it bites you on the bum. The person you told obviously felt this woman had a right to know she was being gossiped about.

sykadelic · 23/04/2014 18:58

I totally understand you being upset.

I think that you'd be able to "get over it" if your friend had "told on you" accidentally... as in, if she were being verbally attacked or berated for some reason by the person she told, and it slipped out while defending herself. Still not okay, but more understandable.

It's the idea that she went, on purpose, to tell someone something and drop you in it that's so hard to get over. It's mean. It's both mean to the person she told (so she feels ganged up on) and mean to you and the person that told you. It certainly shows her in a much less pleasant light and I'm afraid my trust would be broken.

It's okay to mourn the loss of the friendship, just as you would any relationship. You thought you had a close bond and you've been "cheated on". It's a betrayal of trust. I could probably see her in passing and be friendly, but I would never confide in her again and never be that close again.

sykadelic · 23/04/2014 19:00

maras2 Janus has 2 faces, one looking toward the future and the other to the past. It's not about being a "2 faced" or "vindictive" person. He "is the god of beginnings and transitions".

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janus

Still apt though.

maras2 · 23/04/2014 19:17

And doorways.

NurseyWursey · 23/04/2014 19:18

YABU - I'm sure the woman being gossiped about is appreciative.

helenthemadex · 23/04/2014 19:32

YANBU I would feel really hurt is my bf did this to me, you were trying to help a friend and she basically dropped you in it. I would not be able to trust her again and in you place would be distancing myself.

I know I can tell my bf's anything and if I say I not to be repeated I know it wont be

maddening · 23/04/2014 19:38

yabu - you were the gossip - your friend hasn't gossiped and indeed went and informed the person that you were gossiping about her - it hurts as you got caught gossiping - rather than feel embarrassed that you shared sensitive information when it wasn't your place to do so you are turning it into anger at your friend who hasn't actually done the gossiping.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/04/2014 19:46

Er, actually not everyone gossips. Don't judge folks by your own standards.

OP I'm sure what you told her wasn't malicious, you don't sound the type. But really getting huffy about your trust being betrayed when you're sharing "sensitive" gossip about someone else? Er, not a leg to stand on. Perhaps your friend simply felt your acquaintance had a right to know what people were saying about her?

Get over it and get on with your friendship.

Original poster
Janus · 23/04/2014 19:58

I didn't share gossip, I shared a comment that was made about the gossip thAt my friend then repeated in order to hurt someone else and admitted that. She absolutely intended to hurt someone by repeating a comment completely out of context. But, yes, I should not have told her the comment but was actually trying to help my friend.

OP posts:
TheRealMaryMillington · 23/04/2014 20:03

That's a completely different story to your OP!

But if she's saying things with the intention of causing hurt (to you? to the third party?) I would be reappraising the friendship.

MyBedMakesItself · 23/04/2014 20:04

Hmm I'm with OP on this.

I share practically everything with DP because I trust him 100% and he wouldn't let me down. If it was something that I knew he wouldn't be interested in then I might speak to my Best friend about it. I wouldn't class myself as a "gossip" but I'm easily shocked, if that makes sense...so it would be a "Do YOU find this shocking/odd or is it just me?" Type conversation. I suppose a bit like people starting a thread on AIBU?

It goes without saying that I wouldn't expect her to pass anything on, and vice versa.

I think I would cool the friendship for a while, and see how you feel. Maybe feel unwell for a bit, have an appointment you can't cancel here and there so that you aren't in each other's company quite so much over the next couple of weeks.

HappySunflower · 23/04/2014 20:10

You didn't gossip actually. Now you've explained properly I can see that.
This 'friend' has used your comment to deliberately stir up some trouble.

In answer to what you do now-avoid her.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/04/2014 20:22

ok so I should have rtft - sorry OP - in my defence the settings have all gone squiffy and i thought i had…..

from you post 17.46 - that to me is gossiping. albeit in the context of consoling your friend. odd strategy but no ill intent. your friend, however, appears to be being a total stirrer.

i'd probably have to have it out with her…...