to feel uncomfortable around this man

[YesAnastasia]

A Dad of a little boy at my DS's nursery is too over familiar. I don't like it at all but I don't know if I'm being too over protective.

He talks to DS instead of me, high fives him, tries to make him hold his sons hand, shouts for him to run with him, touches his face & pokes his nose. I hate it. My DS hardly even responds but it doesn't seem to bother him, he just carries on.

One day he came later than me & I waited outside until he came out because I felt weird about it. He came out & had not kidnapped my child...

My DH hates it & wants me to say something but I have no idea what to say. Incidentally, he didn't speak to me or DS when DH was there.

He might just be a bit odd...

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

If he tries to lead him away...
Trust your instincts. Tell him to stop touching your child and to stop telling your child to run with him.
he'll run off with my DS when DS knows he should stay by me
Maybe just say to him "That's enough" next time he tries to get your DS to run off with him

reality check: this man is a parent trying to get the children to play together in the playground.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

I don't give a hoot about this particular man's feelings - I do care that so many posters are so negative about men and children.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

reality check: this man is a parent trying to get the children to play together in the playground.

Reality check 2: If the parent of the other child isn't happy or comfortable with this - then it shouldn't happen.

FGS - another adult can't just entice a child away from it's parent if that parent is not happy about it

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

what like the Pied Piper of Hamlin?

[AskBasil]

No, they are not negative about men and children, they are negative about men refusing to acknowledge and respect the boundaries that women and children are entitled to have.

Can you really not see the difference between being a man and being a man who doesn't respect boundaries?

[neiljames77]

What expression do you have on your face when this is going on op?
Is it a forced, uncomfortable, fake smile? A bit of a scowl?
Most people could tell by someone's facial expression whether they are pissed off with you, I would have thought.
I think I can picture what kind of bloke he is. He sounds like my cousin's husband. Bit of a berk but harmless.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

like the pied piper of Hamlin enticing children away from their parents?
or like a parent - unaware of whats going on in the OPs head - trying to get the two children to play together?

[AskBasil]

Every time women assert that they are entitled to have boundaries and have them respected by men, they are accused of hating men.

Do people think that being a man means being unable to recognise boundaries and therefore needing to be allowed to trample over them?

[AskBasil]

He is not unaware of what is going on in the OP's head.

He does not do this in front of her DH, therefore he has read the social cues correctly and employs them when he feels he needs to.

[AskBasil]

And he only feels he needs to, when her DH is present.

Does your DH behave like this Yourmyfavouritewasteoftime?

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

he is not my DH! i am not the marrying type.

DP is like the man in that he likes playing with children and not like the man in that he would not touch a child without their express permission.

however I do not notice subtle social queues (its just not my skill) and would find many of the approaches being suggested very confusing. but I do notice patterns and pattern I see the many posters talking about a situation involving 3 people when there are 4. and that means what actually happened was different than how is has been discussed on this thread.

and as the person omitted is the man's child, they would obviously be the centred of his focus - but don't let that stop anyone.....

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

anyway - I have go to - enjoy your Friday evenings!

[AskBasil]

Right, so your DH respects children's boundaries.

You see how that's different from this man?

You say you wouldn't pick up social cues. But would you look out for them re being careful about boundaries?

[AskBasil]

Sorry your DP.

[AskBasil]

Also you keep going on about the other child, as if the omission of his role in this somehow nullifies everything the OP said.

But it doesn't. Why should it? His dad is still doing the same thing whether he's playing a role or not.

[puckish]

YANBU at all OP. Trust your instincts.

There was a middle aged chap who used to help out at a racquet sport I played as a child (his own kids were competing too) and he used to volunteer to help other kids. Got convicted of assaulting two girls, way later on, in a different context.

He did stand out a lot.

I think one saw a sense of...his own emotions getting too excited when he was with the children, IYSWIM? So of course it was 'the norm' that everyone helped out, gave lifts, but he took things a bit TOO seriously. He didn't look comfortable socialising with the other adults, but always 'with the children'.

I remember watching him offer to coach one little girl 1-1 (her mother was watching) and he seemed to have a bit of an 'intense' vibe? Like he wasn't just 'relaxed' but 'out of control' in his interactions with her.

He just drove and drove her on in the sport, and it was 'weird', as in there was no perception that 'look, its a strangers child, you should be a bit cautious and read the mothers social cues'.

The girl actually was in tears, at which point the mother stepped onto the court and took her off. But it was that 'lack of self-awareness' in the way he was playing with her?

You REALLY have to be in that situation, as the OP is, to know what I'm talking about.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I think we all know men (Hell, some of you are probably even married to them!) who regularly interact, and even work with children.
I am friendly with many dads in the school playground. DS's friends dad is a SAHP, and often takes DS and his mate to the park, plays games with them etc. I have no problem with any of this because the man behaves in a normal parentley way. He is even quite affectionate with DS. DS likes him.
No one is saying that men can't play with kids, or be fond of them.
When it happens that certain men are discovered to be wrong'uns, there will always be people who think "I never felt comfortable around him" but they have been told not to be silly.
As long as you don't start pointing the finger without evidence, you are totally within your rights to pull back, and pull your dc back from people who freak you out.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I can't help but notice that the people speaking up for this guy have nothing to say about the fact that his behaviour is markedly different when the OP's husband is present.

[YesAnastasia]

My face is neutral. I do not encourage DS to respond to him & I shrug when DS cuddles into my leg. This doesn't stop him.

I have never heard his DS speak. He has a little smile but his DF does all his talking for him. I said Hi & asked him if he was OK once & his DF answered 'yeah he's alright' & his DS just put his head down.

[neiljames77]

Maybe his boy is really shy and he sees your boy as a good friend for him to have and is trying to force a friendship between them.
Maybe he didn't come and stand with you when your husband was there because he saw you had adult company and were busy.
If it's neither of those, I think he might fancy you.

I'm not making excuses for him btw. I used to really dislike these 'superdads' when my kids were at school. They wanted to get involved in EVERYTHING and were a bit too in your face. Sportsday was their favourite time.

[PersonOfInterest]

If your DS is cuddling into your leg because this guy is too in his face, that is the time when I would laughingly say.

"I think you're too much for him you need to back off a bit"

and if he doesn't, stop smiling and say

"I wasn't joking can't you see he doesn't want to play, leave him alone"

Or something similar, just ideas.

If he takes the huff and fucks off so much the better.

Remember, his behaviour is selective -depending on if your DH is there- he is well aware of it and can turn it off when he feels its necessary.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

AskBasil why do i keep mentioning the man's child? because the OPs feelings result from her perception of the situation.

there are always at least 3 views to any situation involving 2 people. the first person's view of what happened. the second person's view of what happened. and the third view being what a neutral average observer would think happened. if one of the people omits a major detail from their recount of what happened, it shows a lot about their perception compared with that of a neutral third party.

You say you wouldn't pick up social cues. But would you look out for them re being careful about boundaries?

if you are not good at reading subtle social cues, you cannot just look harder to see them - they wont make sense and you wont be able to assess what they mean with any level of accuracy. IMO you are more likely to come up with the wrong explanation and make the social situation more confusing. I think many people overestimate their ability to read social cues and think other people's actions relate to them whereas I suspect they don't.

once you assume that the minor things other people do, that you don't like, actually are their issue, I don't see the point of taking them on board and letting them effect you. e.g. someone i know vaguely said something to me on Saturday that was essentially rude and I could have taken offence. but whats the point/benefit of that? its not worth the head space. it was more to do with the person who said feeling inadequate and seeking a way of coping with that feeling. and if I did take offence, I would be giving it more thought after the event then them so really why? either I am wrong and I misunderstood the situation or I am right and why let their baggage become mine?

[nanapam]

Hi, just had to sign up to join in and offer some support, if you don't like this man then don't let him play with or interact with your child, simple as. Who cares what he thinks!!! You are not unreasonable in your concerns