to feel uncomfortable around this man

[YesAnastasia]

A Dad of a little boy at my DS's nursery is too over familiar. I don't like it at all but I don't know if I'm being too over protective.

He talks to DS instead of me, high fives him, tries to make him hold his sons hand, shouts for him to run with him, touches his face & pokes his nose. I hate it. My DS hardly even responds but it doesn't seem to bother him, he just carries on.

One day he came later than me & I waited outside until he came out because I felt weird about it. He came out & had not kidnapped my child...

My DH hates it & wants me to say something but I have no idea what to say. Incidentally, he didn't speak to me or DS when DH was there.

He might just be a bit odd...

[neiljames77]

So, when your husband is there, he doesn't show any interaction eh?
I think this bloke might have the hots for you, op.

[almondcakes]

SPA, it isn't because they are around children that men are treated with suspicion. If the OP did not have a child and a man was behaving towards her in a way that she felt crossed her boundaries, she would feel the same way.

It has nothing to do with kids. There was a recent thread where an OP got told by posters that she was rude for not wanting to get into conversation with a man she didn't know at a swimming pool.

[Grennie]

I always think with posts like this, that behaviour that is off can be difficult to explain, because we pick up on lots of non verbal clues that tell us when behaviour is not okay. Trust your instincts.

[Topseyt]

I think his behaviour sounds odd and I would not like it. It is an invasion of your son's personal space and an undermining of you as the mum. I am amazed that some people on here seem to think it is acceptable and you should suck it up.

Trust your instincts. Tell him firmly, but without making an undue scene, to back off. I too think you should discreetly take advice from the nursery staff. You might find you are not alone in finding him a little creepy / annoying.

I have to say I have never seen any men round here behaving like that when collecting their children from pre-school or school (nor women, come to that).

[WilsonFrickett]

I honestly don't think anyone has told the op to suck it up. A high number have told op to trust her instincts, others have tried to suggest she sets boundaries with him. I agree with both points fwiw. But I also think that if someone is standing outside a nursery door to make sure a fellow parenting isn't removing their child from nursery may have anxiety issues which may cloud their judgement. That's far from suck it up.

[Topseyt]

OK, not suck it up in so many words, but some posts do seem to suggest people feeling it was acceptable behaviour and the OP is being unreasonable to feel defensive over it.

If someone's behaviour makes another feel uncomfortable then that should be acted upon.

[Cocolepew]

It's very telling that he doesn't do this when your DH is there. Either he knows he's being over familiar or he's trying to get your attention .

If you feel uncomfortable that's all that matters. Don't be afraid to tell him to stop.

[YesAnastasia]

"But I also think that if someone is standing outside a nursery door to make sure a fellow parenting isn't removing their child from nursery may have anxiety issues which may cloud their judgement."

WilsonFrickett I agree with you. I know I have anxiety issues, that's why I'm asking advice from 'normal' people on here :)

I don't think he has the hots for me. God, I hope not.

Thanks Topseyt & those who told me to trust my instincts, I do tend to do that regardless of advice actually, my worry dictates. Tbf though, my DS1 has escaped from various settings including a school nursery & also times when I've been there - my nerves are gone I think :)

Exactly Grennie if I videoed him you'd see. Hold on, let me get my balaclava...

[WilsonFrickett]

6OK, not suck it up in so many words, but some posts do seem to suggest people feeling it was acceptable behaviour and the OP is being unreasonable to feel defensive over it.^

If someone's behaviour makes another feel uncomfortable then that should be acted upon.

Agree with that Topseyt

[WilsonFrickett]

Gah, italics fail!

[neiljames77]

Perhaps he just doesn't have a sense of paranoia as much as the likes of me. When I was picking up my youngest from school when she was about 7, she came running out with her best friend. Her friend tripped up and landed on her knees. She was breaking her heart crying, so I put my arm around her and asked if she was ok.(her mum hadn't arrived yet)
She put her head on my shoulder and kept crying. This was at a time when teachers were told that they weren't allowed to even put plasters on kids cuts and grazes. My first reaction was, "shit! This doesn't look good". I know it's daft thinking like that but that's just the way things are.
Some people are just over-familiar. He probably doesn't realise he's giving you the creeps. Like others have said, try and avoid him, although it sounds like it'll be difficult without causing offence.

[Grennie]

neil -If that was true, he would behave the same when the posters husband was around.

[neiljames77]

Yeah, you're probably right Grennie. That was my first guess.

Sorry Anastasia, it looks like you have an admirer.

[ElkTheory]

From an outside perspective (and obviously I haven't witnessed the interactions), the man's actions sound perfectly harmless to me. It is entirely possible for someone's gut feeling to be spectacularly wrong. So I'm a bit wary of the advice to trust one's instincts exclusively. Sometimes "instinct" is actually a substitute for prejudice of some kind. Nowadays men interacting with children are often viewed with suspicion, so I think that people sometimes mistake cultural conditioning for a genuine sense of danger.

[Grennie]

Even if that is true, it doesn't matter if the OP is misjudging this man. He is not a relative or a friend. He is a total stranger. So avoiding him does no harm to anyone. But if the OP's instincts are right and she ignores them, it could cause real problems. So I think it makes total sense for the OP to trust her instincts.

[JonesRipley]

I think it is OK to be annoyed by the way someone interacts with you and your child, male or female. Just that.

[janesaysl]

Go with your instincts OP, if he creeps you out and you don't have that reaction to everyone you meet?! You're probably right to be wary of him. Trusting everyone just because they are also a parent is very naive.

[Jinty64]

I would be unhappy with another parent getting my son to run off and touching his face. I do think you should ask him not too.

[iluvchocolate2]

Ok I'm going to agree with the OP. If her son hates it then this man is overstepping. Also why is he not doing it when her husband is there. No adult in their right mind talks to a child and ignores the parent who is standing there. I have a very shy child and a few adults on a daily basis overtly try to get her out of her shell, it doesn't work, she hates it & retreats further into her shell. Its well meant but embarrassing and awkward.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I agree with those that say you need to draw the line more emphatically for him.

The fact he doesn't try to do this when your husband is there says to me that heknows his behaviour isn't really welcome and he won't do it where he is scared of come back, but when it's "just" women, who are generally socialized to not be as clear about their boundaries, he carries on because wants to and feels he can get away with it.

Start by being polite but firm. A grown up shouldn't be poking a child if there isn't clear enjoyment by the child, so next time he does that say something like "excuse me, DS isn't enjoying that." and if he continues be more direct about the fact it's him not your DS, "excuse me, it is quite clear DS isn't enjoying that.", "excuse me, DS doesn't enjoy being poked anymore than you would." all the way to "Stop assaulting my child or I will need to report you" (and do so).

It really isn't on and it's not fair on your DS that he seems to be expected to put up with this.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

I agree with 100% elkthoery

So I'm a bit wary of the advice to trust one's instincts exclusively. Sometimes "instinct" is actually a substitute for prejudice of some kind. Nowadays men interacting with children are often viewed with suspicion, so I think that people sometimes mistake cultural conditioning for a genuine sense of danger

also - I don't always get what I want from interactions with others - but to me it is manners to have some give and take in social interactions.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

also the op is making way bigger a deal of this than the man in the OP. she is posting about it for days.

he just thought he was being friendly.

[threedeer]

OP, the thing I find odd about it is that he doesn't interact with you. It would be normal to be friendly to child and parent alike if you are trying to encourage a friendship between your child and another, or are generally being a nice, hands-on dad at nursery pick up time.

What you describe does seem a bit weird, because he ignores you. Be assertive. If he tries to coax your DS away when you are talking just say to him 'I don't want DS running off at the moment.' And see if he backs off. He's probably just being friendly but insensitive, so needs a blunt approach from you.