to feel uncomfortable around this man

[YesAnastasia]

A Dad of a little boy at my DS's nursery is too over familiar. I don't like it at all but I don't know if I'm being too over protective.

He talks to DS instead of me, high fives him, tries to make him hold his sons hand, shouts for him to run with him, touches his face & pokes his nose. I hate it. My DS hardly even responds but it doesn't seem to bother him, he just carries on.

One day he came later than me & I waited outside until he came out because I felt weird about it. He came out & had not kidnapped my child...

My DH hates it & wants me to say something but I have no idea what to say. Incidentally, he didn't speak to me or DS when DH was there.

He might just be a bit odd...

[MelonadeAgain]

To me, the two things that stand out are that he doesn't interact with you, as parent, only your child, and that he behaves differently when your DH is around.

That indicates to me that he is very much in control of what he is doing. You cannot be sure of what motivation he has for his behaviour, or its causes, so the only thing you can control is your response.

You could handle this by being more assertive in your own behaviour, and continuing to be wary. No harm done by this.

Instincts are often right.

[RoseRadish]

I know a man like this, who would do this. The first time DP ever met him he had a very strong feeling of discomfort, and tbh it wasn't misplaced. Unfortunately we know him socially (he was the H, now ex-H, of a friend and we know his DC) and I have had to stand up to him a few times to stop him bugging and upsetting DD. You should NOT have to put up with treatment of your child that makes you uncomfortable, just out of politeness.

We have instincts that warn us off inappropriate behaviour. Whether he has a condition and can't help being inappropriate, or whether it's more sinister, you're not responsible for his feelings - your natural job and instinct is to keep your own DC safe. Your DS may not mind, but he will naturally pick up from you when to be cautious, and rightly so.

Also I all hate this implication that no man can be nice to a child without pitchforks and hysteria. What bollocks. We have another family friend and school dad who larks about with my preschool DD at pick-up. The difference is he has never been too full-on, he engages with DD and me in a fun way that she actively enjoys (making silly jokes etc), he would never remove her from my side, and the relationship between our families has been built up over time in a gradual, appropriate way - we are all friends.

The weirdness here isn't because a man dared to speak to the OP's DS, it's because of his weird manner and inappropriateness.

[zippey]

"Insticts are often right"

Id like to see statistics on this, because I would believe this statement to be incorrect, in fact, Id believe the opposite to be true.

Someone up there said trusting your insticts is like trusting your own predjudice.

[MelonadeAgain]

I'm sure if you did some "research" on google, you might eventually come across some statistics on trusting instincts. Good luck with that one zippey.

[neiljames77]

"And actually, there was that rather clever study done post 9-11 that showed how road travel had gone up significantly because people's assessment of the risk of flying had changed. But this assessment was misplaced, and led to something like 2k extra road deaths in the months following the incident."
They were probably looking up at the sky instead of keeping their eyes on the road.

[zippey]

Who needs stats or research. I think I will trust my instinct and assume I am correct when I say trusting your instnicts is generally flawed.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

I still find this thread bonkers. a man picking up his own son from nursery is trying to get the two boys to play:

"He talks to DS instead of me, high fives him, tries to make him hold his sons hand, shouts for him to run with him"

another parent spends time away from the playground on successive days analysing his behaviour and discussing it with strangers on the internet.

and he is the one behaving oddly. really? what about the OPs boundaries!

I imagine the man in the OP (and his partner?) would have an entirely different perspective on this 'issue'.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

Some people have problems with recognising appropriate boundaries and reading signals. It sounds like this dad is one of them.

If the op feels uncomfortable, then she must act accordingly. No use saying he is just a jolly dad, trying to be friendly. If you're not particularly drawn to 'in your face' people, then the best thing to do is avoid them, isn't it?

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

I am not zippey!

she will sound like a loon if she 'makes her boundaries clear' this is a big deal to her and a tiny thing to anyone else involved.

[neiljames77]

What if he's just got...........well, y'know............one of those faces?

[MelonadeAgain]

Actually, recent research has come out in favour of inherited memory in DNA, via memory and instinct:

themindunleashed.org/2014/01/scientists-found-memories-may-passed-generations-dna.html

"New research from Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta, has shown that it is possible for some information to be inherited biologically through chemical changes that occur in DNA. During the tests they learned that that mice can pass on learned information about traumatic or stressful experiences – in this case a fear of the smell of cherry blossom – to subsequent generations"

[BoomBoomsCousin]

He doesn't have trouble recognising appropriate boundaries though does he? The OP syas he doesn't behave in this manner when her husband is there. So he knows it's not welcome or appropriate, otherwise he'd just continue regardless of who was there.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

If it's such a small thing, why are their feelings on the matter so, so much more important to protect than the OPs.

i don't think the man's feelings need protecting. just the OP saying 'don't do that....' wont achieve him 'respecting her/anyone's boundaries' he will just think she is odd - from his perspective.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

buffy - fair enough but this thread makes me feel about 100 years old!

I tolerate lots of mild annoyances because if I told people what I thought or wanted, social function would not work. I guess we all have a line up to which we tolerate things.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

I agree with your comments but am also concerned about how men...well actually people...are discouraged from interacting with children. there is a lot of 'paedo paranoia' on MN and RL.

[PersonOfInterest]

The things I don't like are that

• he doesn't do it when your DH is there (on some level he knows its unwelcome)

• and the poking in the face thing which is irritating and intrusive.

I agree with eightyears he wouldn't do it to another man but does to you. Why is that? Ask him to stop. Worst case, he's annoyed and doesn't speak to you again.

Look on it as a lesson to your son of how to behave when someone does something to you that you don't like.

[PersonOfInterest]

Oh and this would be exactly the same if it was a woman. Especially if she only did it when your partner wasn't there