to feel uncomfortable around this man

[YesAnastasia]

A Dad of a little boy at my DS's nursery is too over familiar. I don't like it at all but I don't know if I'm being too over protective.

He talks to DS instead of me, high fives him, tries to make him hold his sons hand, shouts for him to run with him, touches his face & pokes his nose. I hate it. My DS hardly even responds but it doesn't seem to bother him, he just carries on.

One day he came later than me & I waited outside until he came out because I felt weird about it. He came out & had not kidnapped my child...

My DH hates it & wants me to say something but I have no idea what to say. Incidentally, he didn't speak to me or DS when DH was there.

He might just be a bit odd...

[Chippednailvarnish]

Given that the poor bloke's interaction with the child will only every be at pick and drop off, imagine how mortified he would feel if he knew people were hanging around waiting to see if he's kidnapping his child's classmates...

I completely agree with you Splendide

[Objection]

Surely that doesn't mean a thing since it wouldn't be such unusual behaviour if it was a woman?

But why should it be unusual just because he's a man. That's the point people are trying to make.

[Brucietheshark]

Sounds like a performance parent to me.

Cringeworthy, but essentially harmless. The eager super dad ones give me the creeps too, but I know I am being unreasonable and a bad, bad person to want to gun them down.

[CumberCookie]

No Objecton it would be equally unreasonable if it were a woman! only talking to the child and not the parent is weird behaviour.

[Joylin]

yabu, lots of men like kids and play with them because they are big children themselves. Not everybody is reserved and terrified of looking in a childs direction in case someone thinks they're a peado looking for a kiddie to snatch.

[almondcakes]

Trust your instincts. Tell him to stop touching your child and to stop telling your child to run with him. You are allowed to have boundaries.

[YesAnastasia]

Yes he might be mortified. Or maybe he wouldn't because he seems very thick skinned. Even I don't go too far with friends children when I don't know them well. I watch for the clues & don't push or overbear children. Yet I am friendly.

Anyway, I haven't said anything to him or anyone (except DH & DM) IRL so I'm not out to slander him or shame him for being 'jolly' or even for being a performance parent. I'm glad I'm BU. Much rather that than any other alternative.

Splendide It makes me sad too but it's how I feel. And this isn't 'normal friendly' honestly, there are plenty of friendly dads that are fine & don't encroach like he does.

Of course I know my anxiety levels are high, they always have been. I have waited outside for a few minutes a couple of times when DS has been upset so it doesn't look quite as creepy as it sounds.

I know you'd all understand if you saw him but I think he's just a bit socially off, which is fine. I'll just carry on being as cautious as usual and everything will be fine...

[almondcakes]

Well everything will not be fine, will it? You will be unhappy and anxious so that he can carry on crossing boundaries. Tell him no.

[kavv0809]

I understand. My dd is 3.5 and has a little friend at preschool. I get on ok with the mum but the friend's dad makes me uneasy. He behaves in a very over familiar manner with dd. He singles her out, makes a beeline for my dd and ignores his own daughter even at her birthday. He has taken many many photos of just her, at parties he tries to rough and tumble and pick her up, and once 'jokingly' refused to hand her back to Dh. Dh very bluntly put him right. Dd responds to the attention but I do really feel he should know better as he is the grown man, she is 3.

It is incredibly hard to explain a gut feeling that something is wrong, without demonstrating the situation IRL. Those who have seen my particular chap in action have assumed he knows dd really really well, and been shocked by his behaviour when they find out he's some random friend's dad, as it is inappropriate for that level of connection IYKWIM.

I say trust your instincts and if you can, say something. With this, as with my situation, I feel it's probably just a case of social niceties being slightly off, but I don't think YABU to dislike his behaviour nor to pull him up on it.

[MorningTimes]

I also think you should trust your instincts. Something about this man is making you feel very uncomfortable, that's enough of a reason.

Maybe just say to him "That's enough" next time he tries to get your DS to run off with him/starts prodding his face etc. You don't have to say it loudly or make a scene, but if you give him some a proper 'look' and hold eye contact, with a very firm tone, he should get the message and back off. It doesn't matter whether the man is offended or not. Your DS isn't old enough to enforce his own boundaries so it is necessary for you to do it for him.

[IdealistAndProudOfIt]

Just adding another vote to counteract the earlier ones... Trust your instincts. Particularly when he starts poking your child, as others say, say 'don't do that please, he doesn't like it' and see how he responds.

Those saying that op is being sexist need to remember that, sadly, men are rather more trouble than women. Simple as that. Any man who resents that fact needs to go sort his fellow men out, not blame women for taking reasonable precautions.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

Simple as that. Any man who resents that fact needs to go sort his fellow men out, not blame women for taking reasonable precautions.

that statement does not make any sense. how would a man stop another man from being a paedophile?

this thread is bonkers.

[anotetofollowso]

OP you don't need anyone else to tell you how to respond as there is no 'right' course of action here. This man has not been abusive or rude so it is not a clearcut case of putting up boundaries. But you feel invaded and intruded upon, and that should be enough for you. Make this clear, as politely as possible, with words and body language. Get him to back off. You don't like the way he handles your DS and that's enough reason to put some space between him and your family. You don't have to make a scene or be massively rude. Just be as unwelcoming as needed to get him to back off a bit. Trust and respect your own feelings, I say.

Good luck!

[fluffyraggies]

Wanted to respond more to this yesterday but had no time. OP does he play with the other children or just yours?

If you enforce the ''stand here by me please and not muck about'' rule with your son, and try to make sure you are'nt waiting around outside together for long then the situation may fade away on its own.

The only real interaction with the man that may be needed from you is a pleasant 'sorry, i'm trying to teach DS to stand and wait nicely by me'. Then he'll have to occupy his time with his own child.

[Motherinlawsdung]

Another one saying YANBU. Stick with your instincts. This man's behaviour is not normal.

[Motherinlawsdung]

Another one saying YANBU. Stick with your instincts. This man's behaviour is not normal.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

He sounds over the top and cringey but not 'abnormal'. I think you are overreacting but of course no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable, so the "I'd like DS to stand and not mess around" should work well.

[kinkytoes]

You say your son has AS. Has it occurred to you that this chap may have the same condition and is therefore not picking up on your social cues?

[Aussiemum78]

Kavv0809 was very articulate. There is a subtle difference between friendly play and over familiar singling out of a child.

I've had a similar experience as an adult, where interaction with someone left me uncharacteristically in tears, but when I explained it, I felt bonkers. This person did something that others did to me - rubbed my pregnant belly. It was the look, the stance, the intrusion of my personal space, the linger, the different behaviour when my dh wasn't around that made me feel very, very uneasy. But he only did something that I had no trouble with others doing....and could feign innocent surprise.

Trust your instincts. Mention to the staff that he makes you ncomfortable and see what they think.

[WilsonFrickett]

How do you think that conversation would go Aussiemum

OP: man makes me uncomfortable playing with my Ds and I regularly wait outside nursery to make sure man hasn't kidnapped my child?

Staff:

[YesAnastasia]

I actually watched him more today - he is like that with other children.

Yes, kinkytoes I did think that was a possibility. If that's the case, fair enough. I have never met an adult with AS so I wouldn't necessarily recognise the behaviours. It could be.

I'm not mentioning it to anyone. Rumours, insinuations & comments like these can ruin people's reputations & sometimes their lives. If he's just someone who is socially off then I might just smile & not hang around in future (which is kind of what I do now anyway).

[SugarcoatedPoisonApple]

It saddens me, that because of a minority, men around children are treated with such suspicion.

Thank God I'm not as paranoid as some of you seem to be!

[dunsborough]

Yanbu. Listen to your gut instinct!

[GatoradeMeBitch]

YANBU. Always trust your instincts.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Just wanted to post another yanbu - sounds OTT to me, and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Always trust your instinct it's there for a reason.

I wouldn't say anything to the Nursery, just avoid him. If he tries to run off with your ds again, stop him!