to feel uncomfortable around this man

[YesAnastasia]

A Dad of a little boy at my DS's nursery is too over familiar. I don't like it at all but I don't know if I'm being too over protective.

He talks to DS instead of me, high fives him, tries to make him hold his sons hand, shouts for him to run with him, touches his face & pokes his nose. I hate it. My DS hardly even responds but it doesn't seem to bother him, he just carries on.

One day he came later than me & I waited outside until he came out because I felt weird about it. He came out & had not kidnapped my child...

My DH hates it & wants me to say something but I have no idea what to say. Incidentally, he didn't speak to me or DS when DH was there.

He might just be a bit odd...

[PrincessBabyCat]

Listen to your instincts. If you think something's wrong, there is. Predators are almost always someone the child knows. His feelings aren't worth your son's safety. I'd rather my child be safe with someone bent out of shape, then to spare someone's feelings and find out they traumatized my child.

In any case, if your child is uncomfortable with someone, that is reason enough to step in. It doesn't matter if the man is harmless, he's making you and your child uncomfortable. Why isn't that enough to make him stop?

[ChickyEgg]

I've lurked on this thread and I really have wondered why you haven't just said straight out 'Please go away' to this man. I would have by now. Whatever his motives are, he is annoying you and starting to worry your child.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

OP, your update is more disturbing - acting annoyed with you, but still trying to engage your ds. I'd be v uncomfortable with this.

I do think that you need to avoid him like the plague, completely freeze him out, or just scoop up your ds and walk away when he next does this. That should be enough - but if it isn't, you may need to say something more direct - "he doesn't want to play" should do it, or 'can you leave him, he doesn't like that' - I've never been one to be rude in these situations, but this might just push me into it tbh!

vivideye, what you say is very interesting - I too found out recently that one of my good friend's dh was arrested for child sex abuse offences - I had been 'uncomfortable' around him, but could never vocalise why, either. I'll never ignore that inner voice again.

[AskBasil]

Right, so his son wasn't with him but he was still bothering your son?

This isn't about encouraging a friendship with his little boy is it?

[Motherinlawsdung]

So, to be clear: his son wasn't around and he was still trying to engage your son in conversation, and looked irritated when you spoke, basically ignored you and turned his attention back to your child? Is that a correct summary of your post? If so, red flags all over this. This is not normal at all.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Keep your ds away from him he does sound very odd

[Aeroflotgirl]

Ok then, take your cues from ds and just stay away from the man and do not engage with him. His social skills sound very bad, if he makes your ds uncomfortable it's your duty to protect him.

[vivideye]

please please please please please trust your instincts with this one. No need to say anything, just keep your son away. I work with sex offenders and their victims all the time and literally every unaware parent says they felt something was wrong about the offender but they didn't really feel they could say or do anything at the time because they couldn't explain it objectively. Personally, I do find his behaviour odd - why he sidelines you and why he basically ignores both of you when dh is around. Even if you've got it wrong, well, what's the harm in keeping your child away? Obviously, you are not going to say anything to your child. I have never posted on mumsnet before but felt so strongly about this that I had to write something because I do think that what it sounds like is grooming. Of course it is subtle and of course it is difficult for you to quantify your concern but that's exactly what grooming is and that's why it's so dangerous.

[Cocolepew]

Tell him to go away . Seriously, don't worry about hurting his feelings. I was tortured by a dad in the playground trying to get my very shy DD to engage with him. I didn't think it was anything sinister. He was just a show off who wanted everyone to ser and hear him.

He ignored all the piss off signals I radiated out of me, so I told him to go away and leave her alone.

He tried to turn it on me that I was no fun, as if I cared. He also didn't do it if DH was there.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

Another confusing conversation will occur. Any way I wish you well and good luck!

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

Op of course he is going to act strangely to you. He does not know you have been reviewing his actions over days on the internet, discissing your perception of him with numerous posters. You are now acting, from his perception strangely. But of course how you will see that is him reflecting strange behaviour back to you.

IME he will now either write you off as the weird one, not that you actually are, just his view. This is the good outcome. Or he will think you were having a bad day/he misunderstood in which case he will talk to you again and amith

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

His reaction to you in your last post makes me think you are indeed correct to feel uncomfortable around him.

I suspect your body language had changed from unwilling but locked into not reacting, to actively showing you weren't comfortable and showing your (& your sons) boundaries.

And how did he react? Not, back away, for whatever reason this woman isn't ok with me behaving in this way any more. He sounds like he was pissed off and challenged your emerging boundaries. That's not a nice or respectful response.

At this moment, I'd protect my son and use this situation to explain that it's his boundaries first, not the adults (as you've started to)... And back off from this man, with some of the 'closing down' statements given by posters through this thread.

I was rather 'on the fence', wondering what if this man has sn and how hard life can be of you cannot interpret social interactions. But also I agree absolutely that as a society we uphold men's boundaries and feelings and allow women's to be ignored and infringed.

So tricky, yet I think being polite and firm, and continuing to uphold your boundaries is the way to go - easier said than done though!

[Hissy]

I think that it's important for our DC to know that if they have legitimate concerns that we hear them.

Yes there are kids that are timid to the extreme, but if you are getting a similar vibe from this man, then someone has to listen to him.

Even if your DS wasn't being rational, I think it's important to encourage him to be open with you as to his feelings, so that they don't then balloon into larger issues.

[YesAnastasia]

It isn't that he's a man. I have lots of men in my family & there is a male worker at the nursery. I am relaxed &appy for my DC to spend time with all of them because none of them behave like this man & none of them make me feel uneasy.

I worry too that when DS1 gets older, people will worry about his behaviour & speculate about him because they don't understand him. His behaviour is a bit off sometimes too but he's only 4.

[FryOneFatManic]

Going by OP's last post, and also by the fact that this chap can change his behaviour when the OP's DH is there, this chap knows exactly where the boundaries are and is ignoring them.

He knows what he's up to, and I'm sure he knows the OP isn't happy about this.

I also think it's interesting that his own child doesn't really speak up and his father speaks for him, almost like he doesn't want the child to talk.

[Hissy]

Curiouser and curiouser!

Trust your instincts, trust your ds instincts. If you have to be blunt, be blunt.

I'm sorry, but you are making my ds uncomfortable, and that's making me uncomfortable, so perhaps it'd be better if you backed off a bit.

[RiverTam]

I would try to disassociate from this man, it does just sound too odd. At the very least his social skills are making you feel uneasy. I would feel the same whether it was a man or a woman doing this - someone is trying to engage with your DS in the face of obvious discomfort on the part of both you and your DS. I have no idea why they might be doing that, but they shouldn't and you should not have to accept it. And I say that as someone who was thrilled to bits when a man came of work in DD's nursery, DD doesn't have many men in her world and she really liked him and I thought it a very good thing that there was a male worker there.

[YesAnastasia]

Well I saw him again & I payed more attention to his behaviour. He definitely doesn't fancy me. I tried to take his focus away my DS (he was without his) who was once again trying to hide behind me. He looked annoyed that I was talking to him, giving me one word answers then back trying to engage DS.

He even asked if DS was ok because he wasn't responding, as if he usually does. It's just a very weird exchange every time. Yes it still makes me very uncomfortable. This time, I actually felt like I'd upset him somehow & he's 'fallen out' with me by the way he was being with me. He can't have because I don't know him but that's how I can describe how he was with me.

I asked DS how the man makes him feel, he said 'shy, I don't want to talk with him'. So I said that was fine & he never needs to talk to him if he doesn't want to.

[nanapam]

Hi, just had to sign up to join in and offer some support, if you don't like this man then don't let him play with or interact with your child, simple as. Who cares what he thinks!!! You are not unreasonable in your concerns

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

AskBasil why do i keep mentioning the man's child? because the OPs feelings result from her perception of the situation.

there are always at least 3 views to any situation involving 2 people. the first person's view of what happened. the second person's view of what happened. and the third view being what a neutral average observer would think happened. if one of the people omits a major detail from their recount of what happened, it shows a lot about their perception compared with that of a neutral third party.

You say you wouldn't pick up social cues. But would you look out for them re being careful about boundaries?

if you are not good at reading subtle social cues, you cannot just look harder to see them - they wont make sense and you wont be able to assess what they mean with any level of accuracy. IMO you are more likely to come up with the wrong explanation and make the social situation more confusing. I think many people overestimate their ability to read social cues and think other people's actions relate to them whereas I suspect they don't.

once you assume that the minor things other people do, that you don't like, actually are their issue, I don't see the point of taking them on board and letting them effect you. e.g. someone i know vaguely said something to me on Saturday that was essentially rude and I could have taken offence. but whats the point/benefit of that? its not worth the head space. it was more to do with the person who said feeling inadequate and seeking a way of coping with that feeling. and if I did take offence, I would be giving it more thought after the event then them so really why? either I am wrong and I misunderstood the situation or I am right and why let their baggage become mine?

[PersonOfInterest]

If your DS is cuddling into your leg because this guy is too in his face, that is the time when I would laughingly say.

"I think you're too much for him you need to back off a bit"

and if he doesn't, stop smiling and say

"I wasn't joking can't you see he doesn't want to play, leave him alone"

Or something similar, just ideas.

If he takes the huff and fucks off so much the better.

Remember, his behaviour is selective -depending on if your DH is there- he is well aware of it and can turn it off when he feels its necessary.

[neiljames77]

Maybe his boy is really shy and he sees your boy as a good friend for him to have and is trying to force a friendship between them.
Maybe he didn't come and stand with you when your husband was there because he saw you had adult company and were busy.
If it's neither of those, I think he might fancy you.

I'm not making excuses for him btw. I used to really dislike these 'superdads' when my kids were at school. They wanted to get involved in EVERYTHING and were a bit too in your face. Sportsday was their favourite time.

[YesAnastasia]

My face is neutral. I do not encourage DS to respond to him & I shrug when DS cuddles into my leg. This doesn't stop him.

I have never heard his DS speak. He has a little smile but his DF does all his talking for him. I said Hi & asked him if he was OK once & his DF answered 'yeah he's alright' & his DS just put his head down.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I can't help but notice that the people speaking up for this guy have nothing to say about the fact that his behaviour is markedly different when the OP's husband is present.