to be so annoyed? Deep sleepers.

[KateRambeau]

I genuinely don't know if IABU because I'm such a light sleeper.

Our DD, 5, has an illness which means we have to get up and check her in the night and if needed - provide medication.

I go to bed around 10-11, my DH never comes to bed at this time and prefers to stay up playing on computer games etc. Pretty much every single night he falls asleep downstairs, he'll rest his head on the sofa for a minute and then that will be it until morning.

So, when it's his 'turn' to check DD, he sets an alarm on his phone in case he doesn't make it upstairs.

This is pointless, however, as he never wakes up. Last night was the final straw, I felt really poorly and I was so glad for it not to be my turn. But I woke at 4am and he hadn't been in. Again. This keeps happening. I came down to make breakfast and he was asleep on the sofa with controller in hand.

I was very annoyed, as this keeps happening and I find it unfair. He was embarrassed and went off to work without an apology, but I've just had an email from him saying that he's very sorry, he sets 8 alarms but sleeps through them and the only times that he has managed to go in to her during the night - he's been waiting up until 3am to do it! Because he 'doesn't trust himself'.

I am really, really tired of being the one to shoulder all of the responsibility. But I wondered if deep sleepers could tell me, is my anger here futile? Is there really nothing he can do to make sure he wakes up? Should I just give up and do all of the night checks myself?

He has also been known to fall asleep on the train on the way home from work and miss his stop, so I guess he does have sleep issues to an extent.

But the thing is, what would happen if I wasn't around - what would a deep sleeper do if they were alone with a child who needed night time care? It wouldn't work, would it?

Yes it would, as a deep sleeper would make sure thye got enough sleep in the first place and put measures in place to make sure they DID wake up. Your DP is doing non of this, he isnt a deep sleeper he is a useless selfish fecker...he is playing with your DD's life.And as for having the temerity to get tearful and say he cant help it........

I'm a bad and deep sleeper. So I make myself go to bed when dh does so I'm sleeping better at night and when dh is away I set two loud alarm clocks in different parts of the room so I wake up (nearly missed a job interview last week because I didn't wake from my phone alarm.

He's choosing not to take responsibility and to not put his dd above his gaming. Plus lack of self-care would be driving me crackers. I have to encourage dh to the doctors sometimes bit not to that extent.

Odd how many men so frequently don't won't wake up when children need something in the middle of the night. Mine was just the same when ours were younger. It drove me nuts, and none of mine have any particular medical needs.

I might be tempted to remove the power cable or fuse from his gaming computer and feign no knowledge.

Seriously, he needs to be more considerate. Poor health of his own lies in the direction he is heading, not to mention the stress it is already causing you.

Yes, some people are very deep sleepers.

But if they had a regular and vital responsibility as you do any decent adult would be doing all they possibly could to maximise the chances of them waking up for alarms such as going to bed at a sensible time, winding down before bed (i.e. no stimulating gaming), eating sensibly, looking after their health generally so as best to cope with interrupted sleep and so on.

Then, and only then, if he'd done everything he could and still wasn't waking up should you concede that his self pitying "can't help it" might have a glimmer of truth to it.

Fact is - once you get into a routine of waking up, even if it feels unnatural, your body clock kind of gets attuned to it anyway. I get up Mon to Fri at 3.30am FFS and though I don't like doing so, I manage it all the time (and on 5 hours sleep).

It's totally unfair on you and on your daughter that he's not even trying ..... "can't help it" doesn't wash when you're not helping yourself. At the moment I'm inclined to think he's being lazy and selfish.

He is a useless man-child! Late night gaming, falling asleep on the sofa in the wee small hours, picky about food and eats only junk food, takes no responsibility for anything (not even the life of his child!!) and gets tearful when confronted over his behaviour. He is utterly pathetic and I would question if someone as chronically immature will ever be able to change.

I sleep so deeply that you would think I had died in the night!! I always managed to get up for my babies but other things barely register. However I have developed good sleep patterns and have researched and found a clock radio thing, the alarm of which never fails to raise me. Perhaps his mobile just isn't doing the job (not that I am excusing his behaviour in any way) and he needs to take some responsibility and look into something that WILL wake him.

I am so so sorry that he is giving you no support at all. Perhaps just throw your hands up at him, tell him that you are sick of his behaviour and just tell him to read this thread. Maybe a bunch of strangers being furious with him might make him grow up a bit!

Funny how it's always our fault too.

You didn't wake me.
you didn't tell me --
you know I don't like that food
you should have just sent the kids down to me
And the classic , you woke me up when you got up to dc and I couldn't go back to sleep.

Why can't it ever be their fault for behaving like idiot teens

I too suffer with deep sleep, one of the things I found that works is settling different sounds to each alarm, it helps me by not getting used to the sound. Different one for the 3 alarms I use each morning and I change them daily. A little thing but may help

Both my parents are incredibly deep sleepers. The burglar alarms went off once and both them and my sister slept through it! So it could be that he just ununfortunately doesn't hear when he is deeply asleep.

As for those saying kick him til he wakes up, doesn't work!! I have been doing it to dp for the last 8 months Nd it fails every time but he does get up in the morning with our baby so I cam get a lie in so maybe there needs to be a different balance? If he goes to bed late can he do the earlier checks at say 10 & 12 and so you get a straight tun through til the 3am ones?

Talk to him and maybe his gp incase there is a medical reason for it

He stays up gaming. There is no medical reason, just him being irresponsible and self centred.
Sorry to be harsh OP but he really is taking the piss and acts like he couldn't give a shit about the strain you are under.
Sorry you and your DD are having a tough time

He needs to change his habits. He's sleeping so deeply partly because he's staying up too late and sleeping on the sofa will give him poor rest.

I am a very deep sleeper but I wake to my alarm because I HAVE to. Your DH MUST go to bed....and at a reasonable time. You need to have a very serious word about his selfish behaviour.

He CAN help it, he's just choosing not to. He's being an incredibly selfish man child who seems to prioritise late night gaming over taking responsibility for his seriously ill child. YANBU OP...

OMG OMG OMG!
He is behaving so badly. I honestly don't think I've been so enraged at aDP's behaviour on aibu. Seriously.
You poor thing. I'm so sorry your DD is unwell.
I would get so mad at him.
He's choosing to stay up late playing games (is he actually a fucking child?) and this makes him wired/ tired. He is completely able to change that. He is being a total utter shit. You must be utterly on your knees.
You should be able to get some overnight respite. Do you know where to get this from?

Oh, and a lawyer.
Or a fucking shovel.

And yes, I'd be very tempted to slice the plug of his PC/ console.

Trouble is there's still iPhones/iPad and stuff to play on. Gaming is not limited to the pc

thought about this, much

Thanks everybody. I'm definitely going to be having words tonight. I'm confident now, that I'm in the right. I'm utterly exhausted, I had to go into school at 2 until hometime as DD wasn't managing too well.

It just makes me sad, really. I guess you never really know how compatible you are with somebody until you are truly put to the test. When there is nothing expected of him, we get along so well and I love him very much. And then there are times like this.

But what can I do? I choose single or single. I'm 25 and I either stick with this or I remain single forever. Neither very appealing. I'd love it if we could just fix things, I'll speak with him tonight.

Ah yes Giles
Well, you'll have to kill him then.

I would tell him he has to go to bed at [x o'clock] and then literally shove his lazy arse out of bed when it's his turn. His body clock will soon catch up. It's completely unacceptable for him to go to bed so late in this situation.

I don't think sleeping through an alarm counts as just being lazy! That is pretty deep.

Maybe he could set his phone super loud, or get one of those mega loud alarm clocks to keep downstairs with him?

Good luck.

It sounds as though he is a child not a father. Just how old is he?
A grown man who stays up late gaming and falls asleep with the controller?
Who eats the diet of a faddy teenager?
This is nothing to do with being a deep sleeper.
Perhaps you should set up a bed in DDs room so that he can sleep beside her some nights.

Who says you will remain single forever?

Sounds like this relationship has dragged you so far down that you have zero confidence in yourself or that things can be better. We have a lot in common there two. I know is easy for people to say to leave but I know it's not always an option, not something that can be dealt with on top of other things at this precise moment. What I will suggest however, is that you try and claw some time for you somewhere. Do you drive? Could you learn, so you can go out? Is there something you enjoy doing that could become a hobby?

Obviously not gaming or something that takes up every waking minute but just something.

Do you have any friends or family local that you could meet for a coffee? Or accompany them walking the dog or tending to their horse or something.

I know this sounds bonkers but I find that it does help a little. Gets me out of the house and not staring at things dp hasn't done.

I remember a thread on here with a woman who was complaining that her DP never got up for their baby in the night because he was a deep sleeper and never woke up. She finally one night read him the riot act and said he would be getting up, being a deep sleeper was not an excuse and he had to get up or else.

That night his babies cries woke him up and he got up to see her. He confessed to his wife that he thinks because he knew he didnt have to get up as she would, he was mentally ignoring the babies cry so it didn't wake him up.

Maybe reading him the riot act would change things? After all there must be single parents who used to be deep sleepers who have had to change their habits.

I would rather be single than disrespected.

You're 25 and you have a long and happy life ahead of you if you are willing to change things.

Well he needs to first of all try going to bed earlier for a while.

Could be that he is deeply asleep at the time he needs to get up because he goes to bed at stupid o'clock!

Although I class myself as a light sleeper there have been times when I haven't heard my husband get up & have slept on for a couple of hrs.

That usually coincides with being awake most of the night & seeming to finally get to sleep not long before he gets up iyswim.

I do have a lot of friends and family around so that does help, thank you Giles. Although sometimes it makes me feel worse when they are all so nice and helpful and DH isn't.

It's that thing, isn't it - nobody is all bad, and everybody has good in them. And in some ways he's great. Some ways. None of it was supposed to be like this.

I think I just can't comprehend causing more stress right now, and I hate that I feel like I'm being walked all over. He has a good heart, he is just one of the laziest (not in the work sense, he works hard) most spoiled people I've known.

He is obviously struggling and it might be that he literally cannot wake at the required time.
But he could probably solve that by going to bed a reasonable time and not gaming into the night.
So he can fix this.