to be so annoyed? Deep sleepers.

[KateRambeau]

I genuinely don't know if IABU because I'm such a light sleeper.

Our DD, 5, has an illness which means we have to get up and check her in the night and if needed - provide medication.

I go to bed around 10-11, my DH never comes to bed at this time and prefers to stay up playing on computer games etc. Pretty much every single night he falls asleep downstairs, he'll rest his head on the sofa for a minute and then that will be it until morning.

So, when it's his 'turn' to check DD, he sets an alarm on his phone in case he doesn't make it upstairs.

This is pointless, however, as he never wakes up. Last night was the final straw, I felt really poorly and I was so glad for it not to be my turn. But I woke at 4am and he hadn't been in. Again. This keeps happening. I came down to make breakfast and he was asleep on the sofa with controller in hand.

I was very annoyed, as this keeps happening and I find it unfair. He was embarrassed and went off to work without an apology, but I've just had an email from him saying that he's very sorry, he sets 8 alarms but sleeps through them and the only times that he has managed to go in to her during the night - he's been waiting up until 3am to do it! Because he 'doesn't trust himself'.

I am really, really tired of being the one to shoulder all of the responsibility. But I wondered if deep sleepers could tell me, is my anger here futile? Is there really nothing he can do to make sure he wakes up? Should I just give up and do all of the night checks myself?

He has also been known to fall asleep on the train on the way home from work and miss his stop, so I guess he does have sleep issues to an extent.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Need, your partner has a drinking problem. Not the same thing, although equally frustrating, I'm sure.

[weatherall]

From your first post I was thinking along the same lines as others- gaming problem.

However your updates- repetitive eating, rigidity in sleeping patterns, lax personal hygiene, perhaps lack of empathy ring possible autistic spectrum bells for me- have you ever considered this?

eg how are his social skills?

[Poughle]

Every time he doesn't get up when it's his turn, you smash one of his games.

I think what is most ugly about this is that he's made it into your problem to solve. He actually is willing for you to be exhausted and stressed, to carry all the burden alone; he actually sees that as acceptable.

[expatinscotland]

'I was a bit more tolerant of the fortnightly showers and takeaway diet when we were students, but 6 years on it's bothering me.'

This is why I will be warning mine about being tolerant of crap behaviour in adulthood.

This guy is still kipping on a sofa, too.

Better off binned. He has no respect for you or your child together.

[Tiptops]

I have an illness that really disrupts my sleep patterns and regularly turn off alarms in my sleep, with no recollection of it when I wake up. If you're a deep sleeper, and exhausted from not enough sleep then it is possible to sleep through alarms.

His excuse for being so tired is taking the piss in the extreme. He needs to take a long hard look at his priorities. Getting to bed at a decent time could resolve this instantly.

[Inertia]

It sounds exhausting. And I don't know how you could possibly respect a man who was putting his child's life at risk because he prioritised late night gaming.

However, in view of his declarations of being unable to help it, maybe a new schedule is in order . Obviously I don't know exactly how your daughter's check-up timings work, but I would suggest something like this :

• DD goes to bed at 7 . DH also goes to bed at 7 pm and gets a deep 4 hour sleep in then . In bed, no screens, no games. You are on checking duty between 7 and 11 so he can sleep as deeply as he likes.
  

• At 11pm you get H up and he has to physically get up and get showered - he can play games then if he wants. He has an alarm which goes off at the checking intervals, and the alarm is something like an alarm clock which he has to get up to switch off. You sleep from 11, and he is up and on checking duty until 3am , at which time you have had a solid 4 hours sleep. He has to then provide evidence of having made the checks .
  

• At 3am he comes to bed and you take it in turns to check thereafter.
  

Obviously he will hate this plan. If he wants to come up with a plan in which he behaves like a responsible adult and sticks to it then great. I would also insist on consequences for him personally if he doesn't do the monitoring - the consequences for your daughter are so serious that he can't just expect to fob you off with pitiful excuses

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Do you have access to overnight respite/ shortbreaks?
You must be shattered.

[KateRambeau]

No, as things stand, I don't find him particularly sexy. I was a bit more tolerant of the fortnightly showers and takeaway diet when we were students, but 6 years on it's bothering me.

It's all such a mess.

[Anotheronebitthedust]

How, seriously, how, can he sleep through his alarm 8 times? You can set so many ringtones on modern phones now, seriously foghorn ones at decibel level- if he's actually sleeping through that then he has a problem, as presumably he would also sleep through the fire alarm going off, someone breaking in, you screaming, etc.

However I think it is more likely that he half-wakes up and then turns the alarm off/snoozes it. Which, as other posters have said, basically means that subconsciously he really does not care about your daughter;s health. Sorry.

Tbh, with that, staying up late to play games, his sad-voice pathetic excuses and refusal to take responsibility for his actions (or his child) his food issues, etc, he sounds like a teenager. Do you really find him attractive? Can you honestly say you respect him, as an adult? I don't see how anyone can find a manbaby like that sexy.

[JessieMcJessie]

He may be incredibly worried about your DD and using gaming as an escape, despite knowing it is contributing to the problem. I know that if I have a stressful day at work ahead I can sometimes end up staying up till the small hours messing about on MN rather than getting the sleep I need. I know logically that it's bad but I can't help myself and it avoids me closing my eyes and having anxious thoughts going round and round my head.

Perhaps approach from that perspective when you speak to him? I agree he needs a serious kick up the backside re his diet though.

[ConfusedPixie]

Buy him a vibrating alarm. Got no choice but to wake up then! He also needs to sleep earlier as others have said.

He does sound like an overgrown child I'm afraid though.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

And to be fair to him, he is probably caught in a loop here. He's probably very stressed and worried about the whole situation. Gaming might be distracting him from a lot of anxiety.
But Kate's stressed and worried and exhausted too. And he should step up.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

He is obviously struggling and it might be that he literally cannot wake at the required time.
But he could probably solve that by going to bed a reasonable time and not gaming into the night.
So he can fix this.

[KateRambeau]

I do have a lot of friends and family around so that does help, thank you Giles. Although sometimes it makes me feel worse when they are all so nice and helpful and DH isn't.

It's that thing, isn't it - nobody is all bad, and everybody has good in them. And in some ways he's great. Some ways. None of it was supposed to be like this.

I think I just can't comprehend causing more stress right now, and I hate that I feel like I'm being walked all over. He has a good heart, he is just one of the laziest (not in the work sense, he works hard) most spoiled people I've known.

[diddl]

Well he needs to first of all try going to bed earlier for a while.

Could be that he is deeply asleep at the time he needs to get up because he goes to bed at stupid o'clock!

Although I class myself as a light sleeper there have been times when I haven't heard my husband get up & have slept on for a couple of hrs.

That usually coincides with being awake most of the night & seeming to finally get to sleep not long before he gets up iyswim.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I would rather be single than disrespected.

You're 25 and you have a long and happy life ahead of you if you are willing to change things.

[Grennie]

I remember a thread on here with a woman who was complaining that her DP never got up for their baby in the night because he was a deep sleeper and never woke up. She finally one night read him the riot act and said he would be getting up, being a deep sleeper was not an excuse and he had to get up or else.

That night his babies cries woke him up and he got up to see her. He confessed to his wife that he thinks because he knew he didnt have to get up as she would, he was mentally ignoring the babies cry so it didn't wake him up.

Maybe reading him the riot act would change things? After all there must be single parents who used to be deep sleepers who have had to change their habits.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Who says you will remain single forever?

Sounds like this relationship has dragged you so far down that you have zero confidence in yourself or that things can be better. We have a lot in common there two. I know is easy for people to say to leave but I know it's not always an option, not something that can be dealt with on top of other things at this precise moment. What I will suggest however, is that you try and claw some time for you somewhere. Do you drive? Could you learn, so you can go out? Is there something you enjoy doing that could become a hobby?

Obviously not gaming or something that takes up every waking minute but just something.

Do you have any friends or family local that you could meet for a coffee? Or accompany them walking the dog or tending to their horse or something.

I know this sounds bonkers but I find that it does help a little. Gets me out of the house and not staring at things dp hasn't done.

[yourlittlesecret]

It sounds as though he is a child not a father. Just how old is he?
A grown man who stays up late gaming and falls asleep with the controller?
Who eats the diet of a faddy teenager?
This is nothing to do with being a deep sleeper.
Perhaps you should set up a bed in DDs room so that he can sleep beside her some nights.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Good luck.

[whois]

I don't think sleeping through an alarm counts as just being lazy! That is pretty deep.

Maybe he could set his phone super loud, or get one of those mega loud alarm clocks to keep downstairs with him?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ah yes Giles
Well, you'll have to kill him then.

I would tell him he has to go to bed at [x o'clock] and then literally shove his lazy arse out of bed when it's his turn. His body clock will soon catch up. It's completely unacceptable for him to go to bed so late in this situation.

[KateRambeau]

Thanks everybody. I'm definitely going to be having words tonight. I'm confident now, that I'm in the right. I'm utterly exhausted, I had to go into school at 2 until hometime as DD wasn't managing too well.

It just makes me sad, really. I guess you never really know how compatible you are with somebody until you are truly put to the test. When there is nothing expected of him, we get along so well and I love him very much. And then there are times like this.

But what can I do? I choose single or single. I'm 25 and I either stick with this or I remain single forever. Neither very appealing. I'd love it if we could just fix things, I'll speak with him tonight.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Trouble is there's still iPhones/iPad and stuff to play on. Gaming is not limited to the pc

thought about this, much