to be so annoyed? Deep sleepers.

[KateRambeau]

I genuinely don't know if IABU because I'm such a light sleeper.

Our DD, 5, has an illness which means we have to get up and check her in the night and if needed - provide medication.

I go to bed around 10-11, my DH never comes to bed at this time and prefers to stay up playing on computer games etc. Pretty much every single night he falls asleep downstairs, he'll rest his head on the sofa for a minute and then that will be it until morning.

So, when it's his 'turn' to check DD, he sets an alarm on his phone in case he doesn't make it upstairs.

This is pointless, however, as he never wakes up. Last night was the final straw, I felt really poorly and I was so glad for it not to be my turn. But I woke at 4am and he hadn't been in. Again. This keeps happening. I came down to make breakfast and he was asleep on the sofa with controller in hand.

I was very annoyed, as this keeps happening and I find it unfair. He was embarrassed and went off to work without an apology, but I've just had an email from him saying that he's very sorry, he sets 8 alarms but sleeps through them and the only times that he has managed to go in to her during the night - he's been waiting up until 3am to do it! Because he 'doesn't trust himself'.

I am really, really tired of being the one to shoulder all of the responsibility. But I wondered if deep sleepers could tell me, is my anger here futile? Is there really nothing he can do to make sure he wakes up? Should I just give up and do all of the night checks myself?

He has also been known to fall asleep on the train on the way home from work and miss his stop, so I guess he does have sleep issues to an extent.

God it's pretty deep rooted isn't it :(

He must be suffering from a deficiency or two eating such a crap diet.whoch of course won't help the sleeping either. Let's fave it who can sleep on a stomach full of chippy chips? They leave you so heavy and bloated. How frustrating and exhausting.

It's all common sense too, I don't have a sick child there for the grace of god go I but your dh shares a lot of traits with my dp. You feel like screaming at them to wake up and see what's staring them in the face and how they could actually help themselves.

Can you afford a nurse? Just for a few days? Just so you can forget about dh and concentrate on resting

Just read a few of the other posts and definitely agree with better diet will help and more exercise. As a deep sleeper my sleep patterns are terrible if I don't look after myself properly.

These are all things he need to do to be able to be there for you and your dd.

In my experience deep sleeping will not revert itself, it's something you have to manage if you know you need to get up in the night or really early. When I first had dd I had to change my whole way of life to wake up in the night with her, and it's not that I didn't want to, it's that I couldn't hear her to wake me up, even though she slept beside me in her Moses basket. But the changes I mentioned above plus the natural instinct to react to your crying child worked for me.

He does need to come to bed at the same time as you, then you'd at least hear his alarm and kick him awake. I'm quite a deep sleeper and don't hear my dc wake in the room next door. I have slept through alarms - but when dc wake all it takes is dh to give mea kick and I'm there.

He's taking the piss. My BIL is the same and my sis is at the end of her rope with it and her dcs (baby and toddler) are just not good sleepers with no health probs. He stays up half the night playing candy crush then sleeps on the sofa, sometimes making it to bed for a few hours in the middle of the night. He has never gone to the dcs in the night in 2.5 years. Not once, not even when she has been ill/pg/begged. He sleeps in every morning, pulls on his clothes and rushes off to work so doesn't help with breakfast or anything. He genuinely thinks it's because he has to work, rather than because he stays up too late. He also thinks it's acceptable because he is 'a night person' as if my sis loves going to bed a 9pm because she is knackered and will be up several times during the might. Tosser.

Oh and forgot to say, as it's regular checks that are needed here, I agree with all those that have said he needs to be in bed with you then at least you can kick him until wakes up to do his part. Not ideal, as ideally you shouldn't have to wake up if it's not your turn but it would be a step in the right direction it think.

Tell him to go to bed earlier and get a one of those wristband/watches that vibrates when it's time to get up.

It sounds as though his health and routine are not good enough.

But also it is possible to be such a deep sleeper. What type of alarm does he set? Phone alarms with their polite little beeps and tunes, are rubbish.

My son has always been a deep sleeper. You'd think he was dead. The only alarm that works for him is one of those big old fashioned clock ones with two metal bells, really loud, and right next to him. Sometimes he puts it in a metal biscuit tin for extra volume.

I'm a deep sleeper when I do finally get to sleep - I've learnt strategies to cope.
I can easily turn my alarm off in my sleep, and not recall it. So I set one where I have to get out of bed, cross the room to get it and switch it off. Then I have another alarm a few minutes later, in a different place. Phone alarms are crap (for me) as I am so used to handling my phone, and it being by the bed or sofa means I could switch it off too easily. I also get out of sync really easily wrt sleep, so routine is important.

He will know all this, it's hardly rocket science. His problem is that he's a lazy selfish oaf who is prioritising his gaming over his family.

I sleep like the dead. I sleep through thunderstorms, loud parties next door, the gales of '87 (the house was swaying and the shed was destroyed) - you name it.

However if the kids make a peep or DDog does the single, quiet "yip" that means she needs a midnight wee, I'm straight from comatose to startled, bolt upright wide awakeness.

He sleeps through the alarm because he can. I don't mean he's necessarily choosing to....not exactly. But he just doesn't feel that subconscious sense of responsibility that would wake him. You need to get tougher.

This man is putting HIS CHILD'S LIFE at risk every single night because he refuses to address his bad habits. That is an extreme level of selfishness.

I find it incredible that an alarm never wakes him up.

Like you though OP, I'm a light sleeper.

Problem is though, if he sleeps with you & uses an alarm, you're still never going to sleep through.

It is possible to sleep that deeply - at times when I've been really stressed, ill or tired, DH has tried all sorts of things to wake me up (poking me, shaking me, calling my name, loud music, frozen peas on my feet, etc) and still not succeeded...

However, it sounds like your DH's problem is the fact that he's living like an ill-disciplined teenager. He needs to try avoiding all screens for 1 hr before bed, eating sensibly, doing a bit of gentle exercise, and going to bed at the same time as you (and staying there). If that doesn't work, maybe it's time to be sympathetic and look at better alarms.

My DH sleeps through everything, crying babies, loud music, alarms, being poked or a toddler sitting on him! I do think your DH is not pulling his weight and should attempt a better bedtime routine. Then you will both be able to see how much of a deep sleeper he really is! No wonder he's tired if he sleeps on the couch all the time. He should be pulling his weight too heavy sleeper or not. Good luck op.

It sounds like you would be better off as a single parent, as you seem to be managing everything anyway, including a 'manchild'.

he's telling me in a tearful voice that he 'can't help it'

What is he 4?

Your DD has a life threatening illness and he's in "tears" about his complete lack of regard for your DD's health. Get rid of the games console and if that doesn't work get rid of him.
You and your DD deserve better.

You seem to be living with an annoying teenage boy OP! Gaming all night, living off takeaways and junk, crashing out on the sofa, ignoring his own health needs. Agree with everyone else, he needs to start behaving like an adult before you can tell if he actually has some kind of sleep problem or not.

I am deaf in one side and genuinely can't hear ds in the night. When he was a baby or if he is ill, I didn't/ don't sleep as deeply. It's like being in a different gear.

My bdro was a huge pita. He set his alarm and it would go off for hours, waking everyone but him. He now lives alone and has a ds. He looks after himself better, gets to bed earlier and gets up unaided and without involving anyone else.

I think your dh is excusing himself from stepping up. He needs to alter his body clock. I was a night owl before I had my ds. I'm now up at 6am everyday.

I will speak to him properly tonight and talk about making some changes, we have discussed it so many times before though and similar issues before DD was even poorly, but it usually comes to nothing.

I do need to figure it out, because there are many deep rooted issues and it can't go on. This is the tip of the iceberg really. I'm only 25, I feel twice my age.

I'm not defending him because there are other issues that need addressing, but when my two were babies I didn't always hear them cry to be fed. DH had to quite often shake me awake to feed them.

Last week we had 2, minor, earthquakes early in the morning. DS1(19) was away for 1, he doesn't believe us about the other because he slept right through it. He sleeps through the phone ringing, alarms, the doorbell. I was the same. Some people are like that.

But the thing is, what would happen if I wasn't around - what would a deep sleeper do if they were alone with a child who needed night time care? It wouldn't work, would it?

I hope you get through to him kate although breaking these cycles takes a lot of time. Especially when they don't see the problem.

It's obvious what he needs to do and I think anyone would say the same. It doesn't sound like he even wants to change.

Whatever happens please try and get yourself some help.

Thank you Giles - I just feel like it's so intense some days. Nobody will babysit her, so we have no dates etc so I feel that it's really important that we have a really good relationship and stay close as we can't do what other couples might do. But I have days like today when I really worry about what the future holds

Thank you for posting xxx

What happen? I've often wondered myself.
I have been tempted many a time to leave dp to it. See how many times he would be late to work, or miss things.

I'm really :( for you! Your not asking much and you certainly aren't being unreasonable to expect a grown man to deal with his own child!

Bit I don't think anything will change hnltil he starts to take care of himself. Not just with the sleep but with the diet and going to actual bed etc.

I hope someone can come along and suggest something that will help you. Forgetting about dh but will know of an organisation or something that you would be entitled to help from. Even if it's just once a week.

X

My DP is a really deep sleeper too - he sleeps through alarms, never wakes for a crying baby/child. But I think even when you are asleep your brain is still working and categorising noises into "things that concern me/things that do not concern me". Crying babies = my concern, so DP doesn't stir.

However, when I was pregnant I fell down the stairs (only a few and fairly quietly!) in the middle of the night and DP was up and awake to check out the noise in a shot. So I think even deep sleepers will wake if they need to.