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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's Christening - do I change to suit mil??

75 replies

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 18:46

Hi this is my first post on here so please tell me if I am being unreasonable here...

DP and I booked dd's christening yesterday for the end of July. Upon telling mil the date today she responded by telling me that she was working that day. (Mil is a retail manager but does waitressing on the side for a friends catering company about once every 6 weeks or so). I asked whether she could get the day off as I'm sure friend/boss would understand considering the circumstances. She got a bit shirty saying that she would just come to the church ceremony but not the party and didn't offer to change her shift. She told DP that she'd specified weeks ago what dates she could/couldn't make but to be honest I can't remember them all and the dates they had available at the church were very limited.

I am now being made to feel like I should change the date of the christening, the next date available was the last week in aug which is the week I go back to work so would have preferred not to have left it until then.

Aibu to expect her to change her shift? FWIW she will only make about £18 for that day. Mil and I also get along very well most if the time and I would say we are pretty close!

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/04/2014 18:48

Of course you shouldn't,if she chooses to not attend that's her prerogative

CunningAtBothEnds · 21/04/2014 18:48

depends really. if its easy to change and you like your MIL I would.

zeezeek · 21/04/2014 18:49

No you are not. Though if she is so desperate to work as a waitress that day you could always ask her to do the christening party

Chottie · 21/04/2014 18:50

No, please don't change the date. I don't understand why your MiL is so inflexible

p.s. I am a MiL too :)

wowfudge · 21/04/2014 18:52

I think the point is that she told your DP what dates she couldn't do and you've ended up with one of those rather than she'll only earn £18.

She's obviously trying to fit everything in - helping her friend out and attending DGC's Christening. If she can come to the ceremony, but not the party afterwards, why don't you invite her round for a meal with you at a later date and make it special for her.

mangomodellingclay · 21/04/2014 18:52

YANBU. She said she'll miss the party for work. Let her miss the party for work.

This is your DD. You won't find a day to suit everyone.

CunningAtBothEnds · 21/04/2014 18:53

i thought perhaps this would have a future oppurtunities? if she is just being an arse then no dont change

melliebobs · 21/04/2014 18:53

I wouldn't....she said she'd attend the actual christening at church and surely that's the most important bit?!

lilypie13 · 21/04/2014 18:54

Maybe she just feels abit annoyed if that was one if the dates she told your dh she couldn't make ?

Morgause · 21/04/2014 18:55

You've picked a date that she told you was one that she couldn't make I can understand why she's not very happy. YWBU to pick a date she'd already said she couldn't make.

SantanaLopez · 21/04/2014 18:57

You did pick a date she couldn't make!

What's she like normally? Do you get on?

Original poster

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 18:57

Wowfudge, I think your right, I think it's more the fact that she expected us to remember/check with her first as oppose to the money.
She would easily be able to get the day off but I think she's trying to make a point and make us feel guilty. I really don't want to change the date but would hate for her to miss out for the sake of work!! DP however has a very very small family in relation to my very large family so is willing to do anything he can to have his mum there (fair enough).

OP posts:

TheWhispersOfTheGods · 21/04/2014 18:57

If she has specified the days she can and can't do, then I totally get why she is pissed at you - would you not be pissed if she had arranged a family dinner for a day you had already told her you can't do? I would.

If there is a limit to the days the church is available, speak to her and say that is why you've had to have it that day, the other date is too close to your return to work, and is she able to aks her friend to get cover for her. She is also letting a friend down here.

She is probably just put put you've ignored her availability and booked it for a day she can't do - but if that is because it is the only option, then she will hopefully understand.

X3512 · 21/04/2014 19:00

Well she did tell him what days she had to work!
Anyway, she can make the ceremony and that's the important part so no need to change if it's difficult.

MrsMalReynolds · 21/04/2014 19:01

If there were dates available at the church that she was free for, then I think YABU.

If none of her free dates matched up with those at the church, then YANBU and she should maybe try a bit harder to change her shift.

Floggingmolly · 21/04/2014 19:02

She's going to attend the Christening... just not the booze up party. What's the problem?

WhoNickedMyName · 21/04/2014 19:03

If you asked her for dates that she could and couldn't make, and she gave you a list, then you've gone and booked it on a date that she can't make, then YABU.

redskyatnight · 21/04/2014 19:03

I think it was unreasonable of you to book the church without checking with her first. Even if she hadn't been working, she could well have had another commitment.

oh hang on - sounds like DH did check what dates were suitable, and you then ignored them ... I can understand why she is pissed off, you are giving the impression that you don't care if she is there or not.

gamerchick · 21/04/2014 19:03

Tell her the dates were limited, that you couldn't remember her free time and had to book. That you're sorry she can't make the party and she'll be missed. Then leave it at that.

AuntieStella · 21/04/2014 19:04

As she gave you a list of dates, then I can see why she's cross that you chose one she couldn't make.

If that was the only date available, and to had broken it too her with huge apologies that it was the only one possible and you were very sorry because you know that it was going to cause her a problem, then perhaps she wouldn't feel so hurt.

Because she did tell you the information that might have meant this problem didn't arise, or at least was handled sympathetically. You have just chosen to ignore her.

wowfudge · 21/04/2014 19:06

OP - you misunderstood me I think. How much she will or won't earn is immaterial IMO and not relevant - she has committed to help a friend out and you've now chosen a date she told you she couldn't do.

I'd be annoyed if I were her - but if you had explained it's the only date the church had available, then I think that makes things more understandable IYSWIM.

It sounds to me from your posts that rather than accept you have upset your MIL you are trying to justify your choice of a date she cannot do. Just apologise for your date mix up and get on with things. The important bit is that she has said she can attend the church service, which is key.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 21/04/2014 19:07

If I went to trouble of giving dates first I too would feel a little put out that my dates where not checked.....

agree with auntie second para too.

you have not treated her well or made her feel very wanted...or important.

I think you should change the date here.

£18 is not a lot but she seems to want to plan her work in advance and not let this person down and she is working for this money so it must be imp to her.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 21/04/2014 19:08

I think she will feel sorry on the actual day when they all go off for a party and she has to work!

Original poster

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 19:09

Of course I care if she's there or not, I have stated that we get on very well and would hate for her to miss out.

She never gave us a list, just merely stated a few months back what shifts she had been given (at this point a christening hadn't even been discussed) it was just general conversation, I would never have booked a date knowing that she would have been working.

Our local church only does christenings the last Sunday of every month as it is quite a small church, and like I said the only other date would be the week I go back to work. I have explained this to mil today. She kept saying it was fine but her tone and body language suggested otherwise.

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 21/04/2014 19:10

I can't help thinking if this was the MIL booking a family party, OP had specified in advance what dates she couldn't do, and MiL had gone ahead and booked one of them anyway on the basis that it was no bother for OP to just change her prior arrangement, everyone would be up in arms against the MIL!!

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