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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's Christening - do I change to suit mil??

75 replies

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 18:46

Hi this is my first post on here so please tell me if I am being unreasonable here...

DP and I booked dd's christening yesterday for the end of July. Upon telling mil the date today she responded by telling me that she was working that day. (Mil is a retail manager but does waitressing on the side for a friends catering company about once every 6 weeks or so). I asked whether she could get the day off as I'm sure friend/boss would understand considering the circumstances. She got a bit shirty saying that she would just come to the church ceremony but not the party and didn't offer to change her shift. She told DP that she'd specified weeks ago what dates she could/couldn't make but to be honest I can't remember them all and the dates they had available at the church were very limited.

I am now being made to feel like I should change the date of the christening, the next date available was the last week in aug which is the week I go back to work so would have preferred not to have left it until then.

Aibu to expect her to change her shift? FWIW she will only make about £18 for that day. Mil and I also get along very well most if the time and I would say we are pretty close!

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 21/04/2014 19:11

Yabu, it's your fault you couldn't remember the dates! She let you know in advance of the dates, what more could she have done.

PeachandRaspberry · 21/04/2014 19:12

YABU, and to complain about her body language is a bit off- of course she won't be delighted to miss the party.

Itsfab · 21/04/2014 19:15

I think people are being unfair. The OP might have booked a date the MIL can't do but the OP didn't remember them all and also did not have a lot to choose from. Don't change the date.

We announced our wedding date and very soon was told a relative couldn't make it. We just thought it was a shame but didn't change it. It was our date, we wanted that particular day and you are lucky to get a date where everyone can come to your do at times.

Original poster
Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 19:15

I have apologised but just to clarify, when we started to discuss a christening and informed her we were meeting with the vicar, at no point did she say there were any dates that she couldn't do.

I think she expected me to remember from a casual conversation a couple of months back when she was telling me what dates she's been asked to work (she does this every few months or so just as general chit chat really)

Obviously if she had specifically said certain dates she couldn't do then I would never have booked the ceremony. Like I said we are close and this isn't how I wanted things to be.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 21/04/2014 19:16

In your situation, I wouldn't change it, go back to her and say the only other date the church can do before autumn is a date you can't do (you don't have to say why you can't do it, and not wanting to arrange a christening the weekend before returning to work is completely reasonable!). So obviously it has to be that date, you are very sorry but hope she can come to the church and join you once she's finished work.

Apologise for not remembering the dates she can't do, but make it clear there is no other date that you, the church and mil are available before autumn, and you don't want to leave it that long. Also say that as far as you are concerned, the church but bus the bit that matters, she might on reflection decide the family party is more important to her, but that's her choice.

MyFirstName · 21/04/2014 19:16

Ask your church again - you may find if you have a fair number attending, that they may do a one-off for you. Our teeny village church did when I explained we were struggling to get a date to suit that matched their "Family Service with Christening" dates. We had 30-40 people coming so vicar was happy to do a "Just MyDC Christening".

Original poster
Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 19:19

Woah ok, I've obviously not made my post very clear... She never specifically told me dates she could/couldn't do. It was more 'oh got a few shifts at * over the summer.' Then told me how many shifts she had got from about April-September.

OP posts:
Andcake · 21/04/2014 19:19

Yabu - she gave you dates - you know she works Sundays so could have called and had a chat. Gp's are in my mind more important ( as they are actually real compared to god) and if I was her I would feel snubbed and left out of a family occasion/ celebration.
In this instance she is not just a mil but your dd grandmother.

redskyatnight · 21/04/2014 19:19

The thing you've missed though OP - is that if you want someone to come to an event, you check the dates with them before you book it. I presume you checked with the godparents that this date was ok with them? The fact that you haven't explicitly asked MIL first (and not relied on her voluntarily thinking to tell you), suggests that you either don't care whether she comes or not, or that you just assume she will be fine to drop whatever committment she may have. Neither sends a very nice message to MIL.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 21/04/2014 19:20

Mm. A new mother suffering from baby brain and fatigue has a set of dates relayed to her. Meanwhile she has limited set of available dates to have her DC christened. Wading through the fog, she picks the wrong one. Instead of saying "oh dear, that's a pity, I can work round it/I can only attend the important bit/fuck it, it's 18 quid" MIL has a shitty and berates the OP.

OP, I might be wrong, but it sounds like your MIL is showing you a blade. Will you cave in on a matter directly concerning YOUR family, the one you, DP and the baby are building? Will DP take her side?

Maybe I'm just a paranoid old Leninist ("push out a bayonet...").

Original poster
Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 19:25

It's not Sundays she usually works, it's wedding catering so it's usually a Saturday hence why I didn't check. I didn't check with anybody if they could make it, not godparents or my parents as like I said we were pretty much only able to have that one date.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/04/2014 19:31

Telling people a list of dates you're working doesn't give you an automatic right to expect that every family event will be arranged around them as a first priority. She has plenty of notice to give her friend and a decent friend would understand it being for a grandchild's christening.

If you can only choose from one day per month the chances of suiting everyone have to be pretty slim anyway and I completely get why you don't want it to be the week you're returning to work.

She will get to be there for the important part of the day. She may not be happy but work interferes with lie sometimes. Such is life.

tulipsaredelicious · 21/04/2014 19:37

I think she's probably feeling hurt that you organised on a day she specified she couldn't make. If you really don't want to change the date, I think you have to get very grovelly. Explain it was the only date that suited you and tell her you really really want her to be there. As you say, she's making a point, but she does actually want to attend her GC's christening. Make it easy for her to climb down.

Spottybra · 21/04/2014 19:41

Just apologise about the mix up and then stay firm. DH wanted me to change our agreed christening date so he could play in a sporting event.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 21/04/2014 19:42

Right. You want a christening? Then you book the date the church can do. The only people needed are; vicar, parents, baby and god parents.

Everyone else is luxury. They either do or don't come.

Rhine · 21/04/2014 19:49

Surely a grandchild's christening is far more important than anything else.

JapaneseMargaret · 21/04/2014 19:49

So she never gave you actual dates she she couldn't work, and she never usually works Sundays?

If that's the case, then she's being bizarrely precious about this, and you are not being unreasonable.

I don't understand how anyone can say you are being. Confused

I hope she comes round, for the sake of good feeling in the family.

ChasedByBees · 21/04/2014 19:51

I wouldn't rearrange it. She's digging her heels in and cutting off her nose to spite her face, but that's her choice. She's being inflexible not even contemplating changing her work. That would be less effort (IMO) than you changing the christening entirely.

No way would I have remembered a list of dates from a casual conversation from months back - I wouldn't even remember having the conversation let alone the dates! If it's not a usual working day for her then I don't think it's something you can, or should, blame yourself about.

However, your DC has two parents and your husband wants his mother there so does this mean he wants to change the date?

MommyBird · 21/04/2014 19:52

So she didn't give you dates as much, just when she had a few odd shifts?
She then didn't say anything when you told her you was booking the christening?

YANBU

MommyBird · 21/04/2014 19:53

*such

MaryShelley · 21/04/2014 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 21/04/2014 20:06

YANBU. IMO only a complete narcissist would expect their DS and DIL to arrange a christening around an £18 per shift waitressing job.

Any reasonable person would just be expecting to take the day off in the first place.

Original poster
Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 20:06

She phoned yesterday to see if we were home and DP told her we were just about to go and meet the vicar to book it. Also the week before she was round and I was telling her I wanted it to be in July, during any of these conversations she didn't say that there were any dates she couldn't do.
DP has just said he doesn't want to change the date now as he believes she will come, but doesn't want to admit it at the moment.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 21/04/2014 20:09

With all my dc, I checked with parents (ie, the dcs Grandparents), and siblings on both my side and dh's side, before arranging anything. I think it's pretty unreasonable not to do so, to be fair even ignoring the fact she'd already told you she was working then. It's not about the money so far as I can see, but the fact you knew she couldn't do some days and didn't feel it was important enough for her to be there, to confirm the dates before making the booking.
Getting a date everyone could make (including the minister) meant that we did hold 2 of the Christenings quite a bit later than we would have had it just been dh and I, but it was important to us that everyone was there.

whiteblossom · 21/04/2014 20:18

I understand that MIL gave specific dates which she could/couldn't make BUT since when do you pander to her diary? MIL is clearly very busy but why do you have to organise your life to suit her. MIL has said she can make it to the church, if she chooses not to take the afternoon off then that's down to her. The later avail date does not suit you so why do you have to make the sacrifice?

Though I should point out that my views come from having IL's that insist/demand on one date only to suit them and we have to cancel our prior plans or all hell falls out. Needless to say we put a stop to it.

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