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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's Christening - do I change to suit mil??

75 replies

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 18:46

Hi this is my first post on here so please tell me if I am being unreasonable here...

DP and I booked dd's christening yesterday for the end of July. Upon telling mil the date today she responded by telling me that she was working that day. (Mil is a retail manager but does waitressing on the side for a friends catering company about once every 6 weeks or so). I asked whether she could get the day off as I'm sure friend/boss would understand considering the circumstances. She got a bit shirty saying that she would just come to the church ceremony but not the party and didn't offer to change her shift. She told DP that she'd specified weeks ago what dates she could/couldn't make but to be honest I can't remember them all and the dates they had available at the church were very limited.

I am now being made to feel like I should change the date of the christening, the next date available was the last week in aug which is the week I go back to work so would have preferred not to have left it until then.

Aibu to expect her to change her shift? FWIW she will only make about £18 for that day. Mil and I also get along very well most if the time and I would say we are pretty close!

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 21/04/2014 20:18

OK, so she didn't exactly tell you dates you couldn't have the christening, she just generally told you, and besides, you weren't given many options - it's the only date that works for you so it's going to have to be that date.

One thing that might be worth noting, you say DP, so I assume you're not married, are their any other grandchildren and married siblings? If not, this might be the first family event for her immediate family where she's had to realise she's not a central figure in it. That can be a hard mental shift for a lot of older people to make, she's not "the mum of the family" anymore, she's "the granny of the family" - and it's not that important if Granny is there, whereas for a long time, she's been one of the most important people to be at any family event (indeed, the one who probably arranged/controlled details, not used to fitting in with others, particularly in a small family).

Fizzybangfanny · 21/04/2014 20:21

Don't change the date

She will come.

Original poster

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 20:33

Marywest, yes you right DP and I aren't married yet, it was postponed when I fell pregnant. Dd is first grandchild so yes you might be right there.

I'm going to sit down and have a chat with her tomorrow and hopefully resolve it all.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 21/04/2014 20:46

If it is making the mental shift to a 'grandparent' role (and sadly, away from being 'central' role) it could be tough for her to get used to, be kind.

You can't change the date, so just make it clear it's really important to you that she's there for at least the ceremony if she can be, don't let her think you don't really care either way. Hopefully she'll realise £18 isn't worth missing out for and will have time for her friend to find someone else.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/04/2014 20:50

Perhaps I'm harsh,but what is there to resolve?

You have the date you want,she will be invited

She chooses to attend or not

iamsoannoyed · 21/04/2014 21:01

As these are the only dates available, YANBU.

Even if you had a list/remembered the days she was working, you wouldn't have been able to have it on a day it would have suited her. Perhaps not ideal, but these things can happen and it needn't be a source of conflict.

I found that it was hard work keeping everyone else happy with dates when it came to christening- between my work, ex-H's work and various arrangements of our parents, we couldn't make everyone happy. So we decided a date which suited us best. Now ex-MIL moaned bitterly and repeatedly as it interfered with her (not yet booked) holiday plans. She felt it was unfair, as if we'd had it a few weeks earlier she could have had her holiday on her "usual" week- but my dad was due to have an op a few weeks before that and he needed time to recover. We felt that of the two competing priorities, my dad's op was the least "moveable" and date suited us best.

Your MIL will have to decide what matters - attending work and only being able to attend the church ceremony, or re-arranging work that day and going to the whole thing.

EddieStobbart · 21/04/2014 21:14

If I was invited to the wedding of a good friend on a Friday I would normally be working that day but would take a day's holiday in order to attend. She has three months to sort out getting time off, it's not an unreasonable request given your options were limited.

deste · 21/04/2014 21:19

Why should the op pander to her MIL. My FIL did that when we told him the date for our wedding. He told us he couldn't come because he had a meeting at work. He came, of course she'll come. I wouldn't even discuss it.

Fizzybangfanny · 21/04/2014 21:49

Offer her a £20 note to come

Sirzy · 21/04/2014 21:55

Surely you check with key people (grandparents/godparents) before booking a date to ensure they are free?

morethanpotatoprints · 21/04/2014 22:03

I can understand how she feels tbh. She gave you the dates and you and your dh couldn't be bothered to remember them all.
She is only working that day, but what if she had booked a holiday for that time.

FryOneFatManic · 21/04/2014 22:06

So, the christenings are only held on the last Sunday of each month.

The MIL does not generally work on the Sundays, it's usually the Saturday.

And it was a general conversation about dates, with nothing specified.

OP had a choice of the one date in July or the one date in August. August is not suitable for the OP and her DP, so really, OP only had one date available, from what I'm reading.

Don't change the date, OP.

Original poster

Littleyellowdaisy · 21/04/2014 22:10

Sirzy, we had been in talks with everybody about booking the christening for weeks. We said all along we wanted July and nobody objected, not even mil. We've had numerous conversations over the last couple of weeks and at no point has she mentioned what dates she wasn't available. It was a half hearted conversation that took place a couple of months back where she merely stated she had a few shifts over the summer. Specifically remember her saying 2nd & 3rd of August but that's it.
Perhaps yes I should have gone back and double checked, but I didn't, and I didn't think it would be too much to ask to change just once shift. Maybe I was wrong!?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 21/04/2014 22:12

Well personally I would have contacted those who I wanted there and said "we are looking at x date is that ok with you?"

I delayed DS christening a couple of months so that I could ensure the key people I wanted there were free.

EverythingCounts · 21/04/2014 22:23

Why is it the OP's responsibility to remember all this and sort it out with her MIL? Does the DP have no liability in this? In your shoes, OP, I would be getting him to sort it with his mother. And I think YANBU anyway.

Pigginnora · 21/04/2014 22:30

I'm organising my dd christening. I will be given the date by the priest. Then i will send out the invites...

YANBU. A grandparent choosing to go to work rather than attend her gc christening?! Ffs!

Pigginnora · 21/04/2014 22:31

Oh YANBU by the way!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/04/2014 22:38

I'm sorting out my youngest christening at the moment godparents will be there because they have not missed a service in 25 years the bay will be there because I will bring her the priest will be because he told me the available date, anybody else is none essential

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/04/2014 22:40

Obviously I'm not taking the bay I'm taking the baby

katmat3 · 21/04/2014 22:41

It's not about your MIL it's about your little angel.
I would feel probably bit guilty but I wouldn't change the date.

BackforGood · 22/04/2014 00:06

Despite the whole 'slant' of this changing with every post the OP makes....
She told DP that she'd specified weeks ago what dates she could/couldn't make but to be honest I can't remember them all and the dates they had available at the church were very limited
.....was in the op, and is what we've been replying to, whereas the last post is quite different information..... we had been in talks with everybody about booking the christening for weeks. We said all along we wanted July and nobody objected, not even mil. We've had numerous conversations over the last couple of weeks and at no point has she mentioned what dates she wasn't available......

I still maintain that at something so significant as a first child and grandchild's christening, the wise thing to do is to make sure you make it clear to everybody that they are an important part of your plans, and you do this by checking the date with them before booking anything, and you do what you can to find a time everyone can be there. The OP has said the Church does Christenings on the last Sunday of every month.

sykadelic · 22/04/2014 00:50

A wedding is just as important as a Christening (moreso in my opinion) and it's not like people often check with people before booking it. You just know around about when it is, and wait for the dates.

It is currently April, almost May. July is 2 months away! It's plenty of notice for those that want to be there!

Goldmandra · 22/04/2014 09:25

you do what you can to find a time everyone can be there

The MIL can be there if she wants to. It's an evening waitressing with three months of notice in which the friend can find someone to cover. She's making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think the OP is right to stand her ground and book it to suit her, the mother, not the grandmother. There's a new dynamic to the family now with the parents and the baby comprising a new unit. It's not a bad idea to establish in the early days that the parents will be making the decisions about the child. It can take the older generation a while to get used to this. It certainly did with my DM when my DD1, her first grandchild, came along.

MaryWestmacott · 22/04/2014 14:17

You realistically can't change the date and didn't get other options that work for you, she might be a little put out you forgot she'll not be able to do all of that day, but it's not like even if you did remember you'd have been able to get a different date, just that you might have told her differently.

So do a little smoothing of ruffled feathers, but you can't change it, so she will have to change her plans, or only go to the actual baptism.

But yes, feathers might be ruffled far more by the fact that her needs aren't a priority than the fact that she might have to move a shift. Jsut remember it's unlikely she's actually upset she'll have to miss an afternoon of waitressing, more that she's upset about not having been prioritised. Lots of making it clear she's important to you still should work to cheer her up, no need to knock it into September/October.

CSIJanner · 22/04/2014 16:14

^ what FryOne said ^

YANBU - my church gives us two dates. We have to pick one. That's it. The one in August didnt work so OP has taken the closer one. From her later posts, she and DP have explained this to MIL who still isn't happy.

OP - don't change the date. Send out invites and apoligise for the short notice etc. and ring the Godparents to double check!

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