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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DS(6) to stay with me when exH is working away

64 replies

ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 15:51

I need some perspective. My DS spends 2 nights one week and 3 nights the next week with his Dad. Dad now has a new job and has to travel to HO for meetings etc which is a 6 hour drive away and obviously means he has to stay overnight. He is into his 3rd month and tomorrow my DS will being staying at his Dads house with only his stepmum for the 3 time in 3 months. This time it is only 1 night.

My feelings are that if I am home (as I travel too but I am able to do this around my time with DS), then DS should be with me, and we swap a day with exH when he is at home.

ExH is refusing to do this, and said DS is his responsibility when he has him and he can organise anyone to care for him.

AIBU?

We still have a hostile relationship, but better than it was.

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 21/04/2014 15:56

I suppose the obvious question to ask is; is it to the child's benefit to be at his father's house when his father isn't there?

I don't dispute that the childcare is your ex's responsibility on his days - it's just it seems like a waste of his access day.

lilypie13 · 21/04/2014 16:13

I think if you are offering to swap the time so the dad doesn't miss out on time at his house then it would be ok. I'm a step mum and love to spend time with the kids but as a mum I can see why you would want to do this too. Makes sense that you swap for when he is back and you are away

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 16:17

well in my opinion it is a wasted day, and DS is better with me than his wife.

But Exh disagrees with me and said I have to take him to court to get the agreement changed, and he will fight me every step of the way.

Thats why I am asking AIBU?

OP posts:
Nomama · 21/04/2014 16:17

You don't really want to set up your DS with a wicked Stepmum do you?

Leave it be, you have offered, he has said no. That is it. He is right. Unless you want to say that Stepmum is incapable.....

Don't do that to yourself. It will only hurt you and, possibly, your DS.

BackforGood · 21/04/2014 16:17

Yes, I think YABU. It's best for your ds to have a fixed, stable arrangement - part of the week with you and part of the week with his Dad's family. Where parents work, then it's likely there will be some hours of that time they are not with the parent - that is normal family life.
If you got on, and it made sense for both of you to swap occasionally then I could see there would be advantages for you and your ex-h, but while things are tense, then a fixed arrangement is probably best for your ds.
You don't like it, but his stepmum is part of your ds's family now, and fairplay to her for being willing to step up to the role.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/04/2014 17:54

Forget about your ex, what does your DS think? Does he get along with his stepmum? I would only consider wading into a fight over this if my DS was unhappy

ikeaismylocal · 21/04/2014 18:04

Do you never use a babysitter? Does your child never stay with your relatives without you?

I think yabu, your ex's home is your ds's home regardless of if your ex is there or not, I would think it would be best to stick to the pre-aranged days.

It is lovely that your ex's wife wants to have your ds even if his father is away, I do wonder if there will be a past on mumsnet saying "aibu to be pissed off that dp wants me to look after his child when he is away for the 3rd time this year?"

nocheeseinhouse · 21/04/2014 18:12

I think the courts would support you, in that the other parent should be given 'first refusal' before childcarers, if that makes sense? Yes, it's his choice what he does when he has contact... but, it's better for your DS to be with you, a parent, than another adult.

Likewise, if you were off out, it would be reasonable for you to offer the contact first to your ex, before booking a babysitter.

I am fairly sure the courts support this idea, it makes no sense to send a child for 'contact' to either parent, and then them be cared for by a non-relative!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/04/2014 18:14

Well, when its your days and you have to go away, do you swap with EX so that he has DS on those nights?

MammaTJ · 21/04/2014 18:14

I think this way is good. It would all fall apart if you were away at the same time and then needed your DS's step mother to babysit. Leave well alone.

nocheeseinhouse · 21/04/2014 18:16

Mind, if it's only the 3rd time in 3 months, perhaps not worth the battle.

But the point of contact, for the child, is to spend time with your parent! And the step-parent can do their best, but they're not mum or dad, and never will be. Don't feel threatened by step-mum, bet your son would rather be with mum or dad!

WorraLiberty · 21/04/2014 18:16

I think YABU as long as your child is happy, it shouldn't matter really.

He's still spending family time with his other family.

Hissy · 21/04/2014 18:17

Is your DS happy to be there? That's the first question you need ask.

It is his dad's responsibility to provide any childcare while ds is with him.

Sure he could ask you, but maybe he's wary of the arrangement you have being eroded.

nocheeseinhouse · 21/04/2014 18:18

No, he's not spending quality time with his family. His dad is away.

WorraLiberty · 21/04/2014 18:20

Yes he is. Like I said he's spending time with his other family.

And as it's only the 3rd time in 3 months, I don't see a problem as long as he is happy.

BackforGood · 21/04/2014 18:20

but his stepmum is there. Whether the OP likes it or not, she is now part of her ds's family.

MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 18:22

I don't think I'm adding anything new here, but I wouldn't underestimate the value to your DS of the opportunity of gradually building up an independent and good relationship with his stepmother. When the parent is there, the step parent can often take a back seat, meaning that relations are a bit stilted between the step parent and the child. It's all to the good if he has another loving person in his life, even though it'll never be the same as his mother or father. And given that it doesn't seem to be happening every week, or even close to that, maybe just keep the timetable stable and allow him to be cared for by his DSM?

Hope this thread helps you to decide - must be a tricky one!

nocheeseinhouse · 21/04/2014 18:23

He is spending time with his dad's wife, at the expense of time with his mum- his parent.

MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 18:23

Gah, must read posts before pressing post. Obviously, I should have been a bit clearer that if your DS is with his DSM and your XH isn't there, the relationship has an ideal opportunity to develop.

MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 18:26

Whether the OP likes it or not, [the stepmother] is now part of her ds's family

^ this. You could certainly argue that time spent with stepmother is at the expense of time spent with the OP, but it's not like she's getting less time than is set out in the agreement. The DS has the potential to get a third caring adult in his life, which can easily be seen as a very positive thing.

WorraLiberty · 21/04/2014 18:26

His Dad's wife also happens to be his step mother and therefore family Grin

OP, are there any half siblings or step siblings in the picture, or will it just be him and his step mum?

bunchoffives · 21/04/2014 18:32

Is your DC okay with it? If so I wouldn't bother trying to change it.

caruthers · 21/04/2014 18:37

If the stepmum is happy with the arrangement and the child is then it's ok.

fuzzpig · 21/04/2014 18:41

I'm a stepmum and have often had my DSCs stay with me when DH was not around - including in the first few years before we had DCs (ie no half/step siblings). It's been beneficial to our relationship and we have built wonderful memories of these times. I'm grateful that DH's ex never felt it shouldn't happen or that it was a waste of time.

Standinginline · 21/04/2014 18:44

I'm a stepmum myself and have been in my step kids lives for about 3 years and get on with them very well BUT it would seem strange having them here if partner wasn't here and their mum was free to have them. In fact there's been any question about where they would stay when partner was away ,it was assumed :/ I have two kids with my partner ,their half siblings so it's not as if I'm simply just "dad's girlfriend " etc... Sometimes they kids will come round earlier if they're seeing their dad that night ,but that's because it's more convenient for their mum to drop them off here at that time.

So YANBU