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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DS(6) to stay with me when exH is working away

64 replies

ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 15:51

I need some perspective. My DS spends 2 nights one week and 3 nights the next week with his Dad. Dad now has a new job and has to travel to HO for meetings etc which is a 6 hour drive away and obviously means he has to stay overnight. He is into his 3rd month and tomorrow my DS will being staying at his Dads house with only his stepmum for the 3 time in 3 months. This time it is only 1 night.

My feelings are that if I am home (as I travel too but I am able to do this around my time with DS), then DS should be with me, and we swap a day with exH when he is at home.

ExH is refusing to do this, and said DS is his responsibility when he has him and he can organise anyone to care for him.

AIBU?

We still have a hostile relationship, but better than it was.

OP posts:
Standinginline · 21/04/2014 18:45

And yes your ex is right ,it is upto him who looks after his child when he's away BUT even as a parent I wouldn't leave my children with my partner when I'm away if their dad was able to have him.

basgetti · 21/04/2014 18:46

I understand why you feel like you do, but I would leave it. I had a friend who insisted on a 'first refusal' arrangement and it ended up far too intrusive to both parties who effectively had to run every aspect of their lives past each other. If things are already hostile I don't think it is worth making it worse unless your son is unhappy or you are concerned about his welfare, especially as it only happens infrequently.

LouSend · 21/04/2014 18:53

I nannied for a family with divorced parents. One parent remarried and the children had a step-parent. The bio parent never allowed the step-parent to take responsibility for the children. The step-parent never signed consent forms, never collected from school, never disciplined the children, never had a say in what the children did and never had a good relationship with the children as a result.

It was heartbreaking. And awful to witness.

If your ds has a good relationship with his step-mum, if they get along well and have mutual respect for each other, if they both seem happy with the arrangement, then I think you should let it continue. Not only does it give your ds consistency each week but it is nurturing a very important relationship.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/04/2014 18:57

He's right but so are you,

Yes he is totally responsible for the child during his time.

And yes it is a shame that he does not wish to switch days so he can spend that time with DS.

But I wouldn't do or say anything about it unless you have concerns about the SM's ability to provide childcare or unless the contact dad had was really low to start with

fuzzpig · 21/04/2014 19:00

If I'd declined to have my DSCs when DH wasn't around, simply because their mum was around to have them as usual, I think all it would've achieved would be to make my DSCs feel that I didn't love them or want to be around them.

Have to say that despite early problems with exW not wanting me around (I was not an OW or anything BTW, they'd been divorced for a few years) once she accepted that I was around for good she has never ever stood in the way of my relationship with them. Because a SM/DSC relationship IS an important one and it is beneficial to the child if it's a happy and loving one.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/04/2014 19:04

I think it better to be consistent. The message the child would get would be that his step mother doesn't really want him and just puts up with him for the father. Is he happy? Does he have other children in the family there? It must be in the child's interest to have an independent relationship with his step mother.

bellediva · 21/04/2014 19:23

He's quite young so I think you are not being U to ask for a swap.

GoAheadMakeMyDay · 21/04/2014 19:27

I would have agreed with you if it wasn't for the fact that when it fits in with you and your travel your happy for you ex's partner to pick up the slack.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 20:53

Thank you all for the replies. I hopefully will cover all of the questions here.....

Firstly I hate being a part time mum, but we have shared residency and I very rarely change the arrangements. I have twice in 3 years had to travel when I have had DS and I always asked ExH to swap days. Which he has agreed to. I have also swapped days when he has asked as well. And I would never rely on SM to take up the slack, I would always change my work arrangements (I am lucky that I can have that flexibility).

DS prefers spending time with SM than Dad.... but that's another story.

DS does think Dad is greedy in the amount of time he has to spend with him (thats his words not mine). He would rather spend more time with me.

DS seems fine being with SM on his own. No other children are or will ever be in the mix, as we are all older parents.

This is SM 4th marriage (maybe this also clouds my clarity of thoughts, she had a S Child with a previous marriage, and I have no idea whether she sees him still, but doubt it).

I do use a babysitter from time to time, but I try to keep my contact with exH to a minimum (I have had a non molestation order against him some time ago), so I do not ask him to have DS.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 21/04/2014 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoAheadMakeMyDay · 21/04/2014 21:28

Is there a contact order in place?

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 21:34

Yes we have a very detailed contact order. That's why he has said I would have to go to court to get it changed, and he would fight it every step.

OP posts:
BluebellTuesday · 21/04/2014 22:04

I think if there has been hostility and you have a very detailed contact order, it would be madness, unless DS is unhappy, to change the arrangements. Consistency is important, as is keeping conflict low. You and your ex have spent enough time and money reaching the agreement you have, I would make sure that you make the most of your time with DS and be glad that he has a SM he gets on with.

It is not ideal, but it means you DS knows where he is on which days and has stability.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/04/2014 22:08

I agree 100% with BluebellTuesday.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/04/2014 22:09

I do sympathise, but in the circumstances she is right.

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 22:09

Thanks Bluebell, my head tells me you are right, my heart tells me otherwise.

Its heart breaking to know that someone is caring for my son a couple of miles away and he's not with either of his parents! And non of it is my choice.

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 21/04/2014 22:16

You are not loosing out on any of your time with ds so I would not rock the boat for now, if it starts to get more regular it might be worth trying to make it so ds is with you but I think in that case you will have to always offer your ex first refusal when you are organising a babysitter.

If you say that ds can't be alone with just sm you may find yourself in the situation where sm refuses to look after ds, what would happen if your ex was given last min work at the same time that you had a work trip planned? I think you would have to cancel as it is you who made the fuss about ds not being left with anyone who isn't his parent. If I was the step mum I would not look after the child only when you had no other option, I would feel very used.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/04/2014 22:38

I think the child should be consulted if he is old enough, maybe he would prefer to be with mum or dad.
otoh its nice that his step mum is happy to have him.
How do you all normally get on?

BrianTheMole · 21/04/2014 22:41

I think if ds is happy, then you shouldn't worry too much.

Shockers · 21/04/2014 22:46

Could you speak to step mum about it?

Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 22:49

Brianthemole, its not worry, its the fact I miss him, he misses me, and hes with someone thats not his parent, and my ExH thinks this is acceptable.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlersRFab · 21/04/2014 22:50

Shockers, I do not want to talk to her about anything. My ExH has stuffed her down my throat since the day he walked out on me. I do not like her morales and do not want to engage with her on any level unless I have to for my sons benefit.

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 21/04/2014 23:03

If it's his contact time anyway, yababu. However, I do wonder how long the stepmum will like being used as a babysitter. From what I've seen, the relationships where the dad does that (dumps kids on stepmum and expects her to look after them) don't last very long. If she's the type to get a kick out of seeing you hurt, don't let on that you're not happy with the arrangement ...... treat her like the babysitter too ;)

tiredandsadmum · 21/04/2014 23:13

I had this a few weeks ago for a school pick up. I found out through my DS that stbSM was picking up instead of DF. So I offered to pick up, give tea, keep DS until DF could pick up. I am much more local to school, it would have involved SM leaving work just after lunch for school pick up. My offer was declined. We have had conversations over parental first refusal. I love the idea in theory but actually as other PPs have said, everytime I need a babysitter I should technically ask ex. He already criticises me going out anyway so I would not be asking to avoid that intrusion.

we have a very hostile relationship, not helped by SM being the OW and very hostile towards me and she and ex angling for residency through court.

I am very sympathetic towards your point of view (as I feel the same) but have found many of the alternative points of view on this thread very interesting. The level of hostility is obviously a factor and the age of the child.

fuzzpig · 21/04/2014 23:17

She might not see it as being used as a babysitter though. I never thought of it in that way, it was simply spending time with my DSCs, when DH happened not to be there. I don't think of being with DSCs as 'babysitting' any more than I would of being with my own DCs, if that makes sense.

I do know the type of threads you are referring to though mimi, and I think that must depend on the attitude of the father - must be quite different in cases where the dad clearly can't be arsed.

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