To expect my DS(6) to stay with me when exH is working away

[ToddlersRFab]

I need some perspective. My DS spends 2 nights one week and 3 nights the next week with his Dad. Dad now has a new job and has to travel to HO for meetings etc which is a 6 hour drive away and obviously means he has to stay overnight. He is into his 3rd month and tomorrow my DS will being staying at his Dads house with only his stepmum for the 3 time in 3 months. This time it is only 1 night.

My feelings are that if I am home (as I travel too but I am able to do this around my time with DS), then DS should be with me, and we swap a day with exH when he is at home.

ExH is refusing to do this, and said DS is his responsibility when he has him and he can organise anyone to care for him.

AIBU?

We still have a hostile relationship, but better than it was.

If I was a step mother I would feel used if I was only supposed to have a relationship if the father was there, a necessary evil to do the housekeeping. I would want to have my own relationship and it be recognised that I could love and actually want to spend time with the child alone. The more people who love a child the better I would have thought.

If it is your step child you can't be the babysitter, they are part of your family.

Having reflected on this, I think the only thing you can do is ask your solicitor at what point someone else looking after your dc during his contact with his dad becomes unacceptable. It might be helpful for you to know what the courts would consider appropriate.

That is probably what I would do. At the moment, he is away once a month, I think you need to swallow that for the reasons I already stated. But I also think for your own peace of mind, it would be helpful to know the legal position, at what point you would be justified in raising an objection.

But generally, the detailed contact plan also protects you,, because it reduces the need for contact with the ex to discuss things and your personal wellbeing is also important for your son. You want to retain as much freedom and peace in your own and ds life as possible, I think, and I think that would be compromised by making an issue at this point.

I can 100% see where you are coming from. However since it is only at the moment 3 times in 3 months and your son enjoys his time with SM I would be reluctant to embark on what would be a stressful legal battle no doubt.

I agree with bluebells last post, find out from a legal perspective where you stand with this.

A good idea to get legal advice- just so you know.

Do step dads get this, the friends of mine living with new partners would not phone biological dad if the step dad could step in during their time. I do share lifts with step dads, chat to step dads at the school gates. My friends would find it intrusive if the dad started demanding to be informed and if the step dads used the term babysitting, it would be deemed a deal breaker and "we come as a package" phrase used. That is not to say I would not feel the same as you the idea of a there being a second mum in their lives would break my heart.

There is a difference between being a NRSP and a RSP though Thom.

Contact orders are issued with contact between the NRP and child in mind. If this cannot be fulfilled by the NRP on a regular basis then in my mind it would be common sense to look at having the contact order amended so the NRP can maximise the time they are given with their child.

If your ds prefers this, then leave it alone, and make the most of your free baby sitter. Try to find a positive in it for yourself.

If your ds would rather change days so his dad is home, then I would just say 'fight you in court for you to have flexibility to have your son when you are home? I was just offering as I thought you might miss your time with him. If you don't feel that you are missing out, then there is no reason to change anything.' Or similar. I would love how stupid he would look telling his solicitor, 'I mean she actually wants me to see my son on contact days, how ridiculous. She had the audacity to offer me the flexibility to change days some weeks if it helped me'

What a twat. Be thankful that you are well rid, and she has to keep him. I could understand his strop if you were saying he couldn't go and no offer of a different day...

Ultimately then, if he prefers her to his Dad, then keep it as it is!

qwertybirdie, I like your thinking.

I also know that ExH could not handle being alone with DS for any length of time, therefore the fact that in his mind he still has DS (ie his with his wife) but is not actually seeing him, probably suits.

But thank you all for your input. I still feel extremely sad about the whole situation, but I also feel stronger from your comments.

I will take legal advice in the next few days and I shall let you know the outcome.

I think the other parent should always get first choice if the parent with responsibility can't look after them.

I wouldn't be happy if one of my kids was with my ex's partner when they could be with a parent.

It is a difficult situation for you, definitely. I do think taking legal advice is worth it, and if you are able to update, it would be interesting to know what they say.

And while I do think given everything, it is best to stick to the schedule for the sake of consistency, his threat to take it back to court sounds like bullying. The simple counter response is really, well, if you are regularly not there, then yes, that is what we need to do. Whether and at what point you would act on that is another matter.

I can see your point OP, but your ex is right.

He's still at his dad's house, it's keeping his routine the same (the same house on the same nights, etc.) and it's helping him build a relationship with his step-mum. It's neither here nor there whether you like her or not - she's a part of your DS's life now and it's important that he has a solid relationship with her and that he's happy to be left alone with her overnight.

Parents work and cars break down and you can't always be home when you plan it - surely it's better that he's in his dad's house with his step-mum and secure, than being rushed all over the place and having his routine disrupted?