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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in-law wedding on birthday

125 replies

deliciouscitrus · 21/04/2014 11:44

I'm writing this for a friend.
My friends BIL and SIL to be have announced their wedding date for his birthday this year.
It's not a big deal if it were just one day, however In-laws are big anniversary celebration types.
And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary.
(my friends in laws have a history of ignoring my friends preferences, and his family are abroad)

Is he being unreasonable to refuse to go to the wedding and come to our house for birthday cake instead?

OP posts:
IComeFromALandDownUnder · 22/04/2014 14:17

I mis-read the op. I thought it was HIS parents but even worse it is not.

Why is he expecting his in laws to celebrate HIS birthday. The mind boggles. He should throw his toys out of his pram and go to your house for his birthday cake and candles instead.

2rebecca · 22/04/2014 14:18

What does his wife think? If one of my rellies got married on my husband's birthday i can't see how that would affect his future birthdays as they'd still send him cards and presents (usually vouchers). It's up to me to make a fuss of him and remind his (young adult) kids. If he doesn't get on that well with his inlaws isn't it good they're less likely to want to socialise with him on his birthday?
He can just have a fun time with his wife, kids and friends.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 14:19

"On what planet would son in law's birthday ever trump actual son's wedding?"

This!

Really, you are anabling his childish behaviour. He needs to get a big fat grip. As do you if you think he's being reasonable!

NCISaddict · 22/04/2014 14:19

I really cannot believe a grown man would winge about this. I am so pleased that my DH is not going to ruin my nieces wedding by having a tantrum like your friend is thinking of doing. It is very unattractive in an adult regardless of the family dynamics.

iK8 · 22/04/2014 14:21

Why bother asking? I mean really, why?

MNHQ, can we have a topic called "I'm right, I know I am and I don't care what anybody thinks but I am jolly well going to post any way" please? We can bung all the time wasters in there.

humpf.

Original poster
deliciouscitrus · 22/04/2014 14:23

Ah well. The mumsnet verdict is in and I disagree with it, so won't be sharing with my friend.
:)
Hissy is right, now I have seen all these responses I guess it does seem a bit childish if you don't know the people involved.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 22/04/2014 14:25

Sorry, your friend is being unreasonable. I would actually think going to a wedding would be a nice way to spend a birthday. And he could always do a 'birthday treat' another day. Would actually be quite selfish I think to miss a wedding just because it's his birthday. I'm sure a lot of weddings clash with at least one's of their guests birthdays, anniversaries, etc; but you can't plan a wedding around every single one of your guests birthdays etc; as it would be a nightmare! And having got married last year, I know finding a date that suits both the couple and venue and registrar can be a nightmare anyway.

However, I see no reason why subsequent years he should have to go to an anniversary party every year on his birthday, but that's really a different situation.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 14:26

OP that's because it is ridiculous

jaynebxl · 22/04/2014 14:28

So you would only have shared this thread with your friend if everyone had agreed with you both?

Sorry if this has already been asked but will the newly weds have a party every year on their birthday? Or will they just mark it between the two of them, like most people (if they're lucky) thus making it irrelevant to future birthdays of your friend?

Original poster
deliciouscitrus · 22/04/2014 14:28

I think my friend needs to set some boundaries about what he will and won't allow from his in laws. But perhaps the BIL wedding is not such a great place to start with that.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/04/2014 14:30

It's got nothing to do with knowing, or not knowing the people involved. The facts are clear. You are seriously suggesting that a grown person (IMO, this would also apply to a child, but that's another question) would not go to a close family wedding due to the fact it fell on his birthday. Shock.
As iK8 points out - you've got 4 pages of answers all telling you he's being ridiculous, and yet you still seem to think there's some trace of reasonableness about it. Hmm Wow!

Original poster
deliciouscitrus · 22/04/2014 14:30

the soon to be newly weds will have a massive party every year organized by friends MIL
And his wife and kids will be expected to be at that do, and not their own dad's birthday. It's not really about this year one day.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 22/04/2014 14:30

Please OP for the love of chocolate, can you explain who is actually getting married? Is it his wife's brother?

Are you sure they even know it's his birthday? I'm not sure I would

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 14:31

How is he going to "not allow" it.

Look, I'm sure this friend does have an issue with his family. They do sound rather over bearing. But if he chooses this issue as the one to dig his heels in about, he'll look like a nutcase

pictish · 22/04/2014 14:33

Quite.
If there are problems surrounding boundaries and disrespect towards your friend, then he would be right to want to put his foot down...but this wedding versus birthday fiasco would most certainly not be the way to go about it.
He would look incredibly foolish and it would do far more harm than good.

It could not be taken any other way than bizarrely self obsessed.

RuthlessBaggage · 22/04/2014 14:34

So like we said, it isn't the double-booking as the family.

HWVU to marry into that family then Grin

elQuintoConyo · 22/04/2014 14:35

Oh, if only my problems were so outrageously ridiculous!

What a dick. He should also grow up and tell his family that he won't be asking "how high?" everytime they ask him to jump for a party.

RuthlessBaggage · 22/04/2014 14:35

Unless ... do his PIL throw him and his DW a similar party every year...?

Original poster
deliciouscitrus · 22/04/2014 14:36

It's his wife's brother.
Friends MIL (mother of the groom) definitely knows it's my friends birthday. She is very involved in everything to do with everyone.

He can't 'not allow" the wedding, of course.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 22/04/2014 14:36

Yes indeed. To refuse to go to the wedding looks ridiculously petulant and will probably confirm whatever prejudice your friend's ILs have about him.

And as someone said, this is an ideal opportunity to avoid the hideous anniversary celebration parties for years to come.

ILoveWooly · 22/04/2014 14:40

Surely he just goes to the wedding this year and then the answer when asked to anniversary celebrations every year (seriously, who does that?!?) is 'sorry, we have plans that weekend for X's birthday'.
Perhaps join them to celebrate big anniversaries.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 14:42

If I were him I would start a new tradition of going away on my birthday

pictish · 22/04/2014 14:44

If the in laws have no respect for your friend, what do you think the no-show-at-the-wedding-because-it's-my-birthday would achieve?

Will they think

a) Oh perhaps it's time for us to compromise with him more, and show him some consideration.

or

b) Oh my God - he actually thinks his birthday is more important than the wedding and is refusing to come! What a dickhead!!

I'll give you a clue. It's b. Wink

jaynebxl · 22/04/2014 14:44

Do people in his wife's family really celebrate their wedding anniversaries every year with a big party? Yet his wife has avoided this? Just because they have a party doesn't mean he has to go.

MrsD0nnaLyman · 22/04/2014 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.