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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in-law wedding on birthday

125 replies

deliciouscitrus · 21/04/2014 11:44

I'm writing this for a friend.
My friends BIL and SIL to be have announced their wedding date for his birthday this year.
It's not a big deal if it were just one day, however In-laws are big anniversary celebration types.
And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary.
(my friends in laws have a history of ignoring my friends preferences, and his family are abroad)

Is he being unreasonable to refuse to go to the wedding and come to our house for birthday cake instead?

OP posts:
NCISaddict · 21/04/2014 13:22

My niece is getting married on my DH's birthday. Thank goodness he is a grown up so we can all go to the wedding without any problem.

Caitlin17 · 21/04/2014 13:24

Does anyone apart from the actual couple celebrate anniversaries?

pictish · 21/04/2014 13:24

And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary.

Yes...and so what? They did not give birth to him, or raise him...why on earth should they care a fig for his birthday beyond the usual courtesies?

What is going on here? OP - where are you?

TheWoollybacksWife · 21/04/2014 13:24

My eldest sister got married on my youngest sister's 6th birthday. As far as the rest of the family are concerned the birthday is the main celebration.

My youngest sister has had the good fortune to be able to celebrate her birthday with the whole family on big events like our big sister's silver wedding anniversary. No doubt we will do the same soon when it is their Ruby Anniversary.

Maybe it is because I'm from a very large family but we are all a bit meh about "special dates". We find any excuse for a family get together and even better if there are more people celebrating.

OddBoots · 21/04/2014 13:29

The issue is more about having big anniversary celebrations than about the date. I've only known couples celebrating anniversaries privately unless they are the big ones (25, 40, 50, 60).

insancerre · 21/04/2014 13:31

when I met Dh and realised he had the same birthday as me, i made sure I married him so he wouldn't have his birthday to himself ever again.
that learned the bastard Grin

Nomama · 21/04/2014 13:40

That all reminds me that we got married the day after SILs birthday (also same day as Princess Di and Prince Charles, though different year). She was most upset that we were stealing her birthday weekends and said so, loud and often on our wedding day.

She also brought it up the week before. People always celebrated her birthday rather than our anniversary, but every year she moaned about being scared they would ignore her special day. Over and over again, despite the fact that we have been almost NC for 13 years, she still, apparently, makes a fuss.

Well, the reason she always gets her celebration is we don't do anything for our anniversary, nothing that involves anyone else. And I think that is normal, isn't it?

Mind you, it is our 25th this year and, despite the utter lack of contact, she has let us know that she would be willing to organise our party, alongside her birthday Smile

So your friend could use my SILs action as a template, to ensure he always gets his birthday properly acknowledged!

Maybe!

LanaStraightLeg · 21/04/2014 14:01

I have a dental check on my birthday this year. Appointments are like hen's teeth at our practice so I took the first date they offered me. Now I realise I should give my dentist a call back and tell her to go fuck herself.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo · 21/04/2014 14:02

I didn't think adults 'did' birthdays, last time I celebrated my birthday was when I was 21 and that wasn't yesterday

Also the only people who celebrate our wedding anniversary are DH and myself.

I think you're friend is bonkers.

deadduck · 21/04/2014 14:06

Bitout, Tom and Kirsty are getting married on MY birthday. The cheek of it Angry

Caitlin17 · 21/04/2014 14:08

I have a birthday party every year, friends not family. I don't know anyone who celebrates anniversaries except by the couple themselves.

londonrach · 21/04/2014 14:09

Yabu. It's a day! Just go and enjoy the wedding. My sister gave birth to her dd on the same day as her sis in law. Her sis in law(good friend of mine too) mentioned in passing ages before hoping the baby wouldn't come then. It happened. Her sis in law says it's an honor she can share the day with her niece. More cake when everyone gets together which is not a bad thing!

fluffyraggies · 21/04/2014 14:10

First thing i thought of was that it's his wife's brother getting married, so quite 'removed' IYSWIM.

Who, when they're planning their wedding date, says oh god, no, we can't do that day - it's my fiance's sister's husband's birthday that day!!

Hmm
Arkina · 21/04/2014 14:13

Surely the fact hes (supposedly) an adult he'll at most get a card & pressie from family? Thats not going to change. If the family are big on anniversaries and celebrate every year (bit weird) then hes knocked it off. Means he'll have something nice to do on his bday every year.

My nieces bday is the day before mine its lucky she wasn't born 10 mins later or wed share a bday Shock Shock I love it. Cos shes just little we always do something as a family and SHE emphasises the fact its a joint thing bless her. Usually she has a thing with her wee pals on her birthday and we do a family thing on mine. I get to see everyone on my birthday; get lovely pressies, a meal out and get to blow out candles on her cake lol.

Tell your pal to get a grip put his big boy pants on and stop behaving like a spoilt child

silveroldie2 · 21/04/2014 14:25

Aww diddums. I am utterly shocked that an (I presume) adult would give a damn about this. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 21/04/2014 14:28

I had the audacity to enter the world on my grandparents 29th wedding anniversary...fast forward 21 years and we did have a bit of a diary clash, especially as they lived a couple of thousand miles away. Never mind, they had a golden wedding party which my uncle and his kids went to whilst my dad stayed for my 21st. No hard feelings, everyone understood.

But brother in laws wedding? Enjoy the free party! DH and i celebrate our anniversary just the two of us, who on earth has a big family affair for a 'normal' anniversary?

chocolatemademefat · 21/04/2014 14:49

My brother got married on my birthday and it was a terrific day. My birthday was never mentioned on the day as it was their special day and I wouldnt have wanted it any other way.
As you get older birthdays matter less - or at least my own does to me - I'd rather celebrate my childrens birthdays. Couldnt care less about my own.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2014 15:14

deadduck, some fictional people have got no bloody consideration Angry

Happy birthday for 24th anyway if they haven't ruined it for you completely

SellyMevs · 21/04/2014 23:42

I got married on my BIL's birthday. It wasn't a big deal for anyone, he was best man, and we all had a brilliant day...

For our first wedding anniversary, I'm pretty certain I will do something with DH, just us, no party.. The wedding was a big enough party to see them family through for a few years! And no doubt we will pop in for tea and cake for BIL'S birthday. Everyone's happy.

Certainly no tantrums in sight..

joanofarchitrave · 21/04/2014 23:51

Hilarious thread - thanks OP Grin

Original poster
deliciouscitrus · 22/04/2014 13:50

Thanks Clutterbugs, and the couple of others.

It's impossible to put all the family dynamics in an OP.

I don't think he is being unreasonable. It is yet another example of his in-laws trying to take over anything of importance to him and overshadow it with something of their own.

It's not at all the same as being born on the same day as someone.

I'm glad you're all so grown up as to not care what happens on your birthdays.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/04/2014 14:07

I don't think he is being unreasonable. It is yet another example of his in-laws trying to take over anything of importance to him and overshadow it with something of their own.

On what planet would son in law's birthday ever trump actual son's wedding? Confused
You may well be right about the family dynamic in general, but on this particular issue it's a clear case of suck it up buttercup.

I'm glad you're all so grown up as to not care what happens on your birthdays.

Yes, I too am glad that I have the maturity to accept that a wedding is more important than my birthday.
I am genuinely puzzled as to why you and he think otherwise?

I understand that from what you say, there are ongoing problems, but this is not the appropriate issue to take a stand over. He will make himself look like a petty spoiled child, and no one will take him remotely seriously.
Do not encourage him to forego the wedding in favour of having birthday cake at your place. That would be preposterous.

Hissy · 22/04/2014 14:12

IS this a genuine clash of dates? I think, as I have said before, that on this occasion, if it's just an ordinary birthday, then he should just forgo it for the wedding itself, but in future he has the perfect 'out' to excuse himself from the family overblown events.

I'm sure there is plenty of backstory with this and the fact that YOU don't think he IBU speaks volumes. I'm sure that you can appreciate that without that backstory this thread being placed on AIBU probably wouldn't have turned out any differently to how it has done.

Hissy · 22/04/2014 14:12

forego, sorry ;)

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 22/04/2014 14:13

I really cannot believe a grown man would think like this. I really can't.