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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in-law wedding on birthday

125 replies

deliciouscitrus · 21/04/2014 11:44

I'm writing this for a friend.
My friends BIL and SIL to be have announced their wedding date for his birthday this year.
It's not a big deal if it were just one day, however In-laws are big anniversary celebration types.
And... every year from now until forever this day will not be his birthday, but BIL & SIL wedding anniversary.
(my friends in laws have a history of ignoring my friends preferences, and his family are abroad)

Is he being unreasonable to refuse to go to the wedding and come to our house for birthday cake instead?

OP posts:

Apatite1 · 21/04/2014 12:27

My grandmother had the audacity of dying on my birthday.

Then my nephew had the nerve to be born on my birthday.

The cheek of it!

Seriously, nobody owns a date.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 21/04/2014 12:27

My DD1 was born on our wedding anniversary. How very dare she - didn't she realise this was our special day?

Apatite1 · 21/04/2014 12:28

Patricia, I swear you and I were typing that at the exact same time!

Clutterbugsmum · 21/04/2014 12:29

I sorry but I disagree. So no YANBU as your friend know how thier family works. I don't know what to suggest as I have the similar with my DH as he shares his birthday as his dad. DH birthday has always been as a second class event.

To the point a couple of years ago dh was 40 and his dad turned 65, his mum and sister organised a big event for his dad. We were ordered told to go. In the middle of the event happy birthday to his dad and he a cake. After about 10 min his mum and dad asked if I was alright (I wasn't I was pissed off that once again dh had been forgotten) I turned around and said it would be nice to wish thier son a happy birthday as well because once again he had been ignored. I have to say some family friends were shocked that he had been ignored.

This happens every year to the point now I arrange for dh to have a birthday not including his family.

Rosa · 21/04/2014 12:30

We got married on my nieces birthday ... Very few remember our anniversary but most seem to remember her birthday.

2rebecca · 21/04/2014 12:31

If his inlaws are big anniversary types it seems odd that they also aren't big birthday celebration types.
I think the wedding will take priority this year but in future years then his birthday takes priority for his household family I'd presume and if his inlaws want to make more fuss ove BIL's wedding anniversary that's up to them, I presume they'd still send him a birthday card and present and he wouldn't expect them to visit every birthday would he?
In future years I think he should send his BIL a happy anniversary card and continue to celebrate his birthday as usual. It seems odd for a bloke to be that put out about it, although if we had chosen to get married on my BIL or SIL's birthdays I would have apologised and explained why it had to be that day.

Hissy · 21/04/2014 12:32

Are there genuinely couples/families that celebrate their wedding anniversaries en masse large scale every year?

Wow.

Your friend should go to the wedding if they want to, it's not a big deal that it's their birthday, unless it's a 'big one' then their celebrations can happen on a different day.

I'm assuming that this date actually falls on a weekend/saturday?

flowery · 21/04/2014 12:33

Hang on, have I understood this right? He's thinking of refusing to attend a family wedding because it will be his birthday? Seriously?

I was going to say he is BU and childish but actually that would be ridiculous spoilt brat behaviour from a child as well.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/04/2014 12:34

Do they plan to have an anniversary party every year?! Even if so (mad) friend is not obliged to go.
I can't comprehend missing a wedding because it was my birthday. In fact one of my best friends got married the day before my birthday 2 years ago. I was chuffed as I got to have lunch with some old friends the day after.

Hissy · 21/04/2014 12:34

After the day itself, the wedding anniversary only matters to those who exchanged the vows i'd think, anyway.

Do people expect everyone to remember a wedding and send a card every year?

Fairenuff · 21/04/2014 12:37

Tell your friend to grow up!!!

He can't!! He doesn't have a birthday anymore.

Sheeesh, keep up!

magoria · 21/04/2014 12:37

I think it is more like Clutterbugs has said. OPs friend know his family dynamics and knows that every year his family will make a huge fuss of his BIL/SIL not sure which and he will be further ignored as is normal.

redexpat · 21/04/2014 12:38

A friend got married on my birthday. Meant I didn't have to pay for the drinks, I got a mention in their speech, and it makes remembering their wedding anniversary soooo much easier.

Similarly we got married on DHs friend's birthday. No complaints there. Again, drinks, party ...

Weddings happen once in a lifetime (in theory). Birthdays happen every year. I'm normally of the celebrate your birthday how you like camp, but on this particular one I think your friend IBU.

redexpat · 21/04/2014 12:39

Although just read clutterbugs post and she makes a very valid point.

RuthlessBaggage · 21/04/2014 12:43

If they'll ignore his birthday in favour of the anniversary, then the problem isn't the date but the family.

Go or don't go, but don't pretend that the family dynamic would be different if his birthday happened to fall midweek this year.

iK8AllTheEggs · 21/04/2014 12:43

Surely the solution is to pop some candles on the wedding cake and a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday before the speeches?

Or I dunno, maybe just be a grown up about it?

AreWeThereYeti · 21/04/2014 12:45

Y friend is B very U indeed. In fact, I can't believe he even noticed it kept alone complained to you about it.

LindyHemming · 21/04/2014 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsubject · 21/04/2014 12:58

I call bluff. No-one is this juvenile past their 10th birthday. (when it is perfectly reasonable to be juvenile!)

Caitlin17 · 21/04/2014 13:00

I don't understand the thread. It is his brother-in-law who is getting married,not even his brother,so apart from this one day what on earth does it matter that people to whom he is only related to by marriage might (assuming people actually celebrate anniversaries) be celebrating.

Even if it were his brother how does this prevent his celebrating his birthday next year?

Caitlin17 · 21/04/2014 13:04

I expect it's just me but not only would I never expect any of my in-laws to be involved in my birthday celebrations (nor me in theirs) I haven't the faintest idea when their anniversaries or birthdays are. I'm sure they don't recall my anniversary and they never knew when my birthday is.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2014 13:05

I got married on my aunt's birthday. She got flowers, mentioned in the speech, and everyone sang happy birthday. It was lovely.

But now I come to think of it I am very that 2 characters on Tge Archers are getting married on my wedding anniversary. Now, forever more, it'll be Tom and Kirsty's anniversary. Not mine. which is just as well as I'm divorced

pictish · 21/04/2014 13:08

I assumed bil actually meant db. As in, this chap's brother is getting married on his bday.
It did not occur to me that bil actually meant bil, because no adult in their right mind would think to actively protest over their wife's brother's wedding day overshadowing their birthday, and see it as a legitimate reason to abstain from the wedding!!
Would they?
Surely not!

Floggingmolly · 21/04/2014 13:18

He's going to decline the wedding invitation because it would mean he'd miss out on his birthday cake? He sounds mentally deficient frighteningly immature.
They'd probably be better off if he did decline, rather than have him glooming round their wedding reception with a gob on him because the attention is on the happy couple, not the birthday boy.

pictish · 21/04/2014 13:20

Seriously...what bizarre planet does someone inhabit, if they think their in laws are doing them a disservice by celebrating their own son's wedding anniversary over their daughter's husband's birthday??

Is that the set up? If so, I am doing the faces with no apology.

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